What a difference a new country can make.
It took only an eight-hour bus ride, from Lviv, Ukraine, to Kraków, Poland, for “black” to be back. (I spent half of the travel time waiting to clear both countries’ traffic-jammed border controls.) After weeks of Ukrainian men on Grindr uttering nary a word about my race, suddenly, in Poland, guy after guy was using it as bait (“I love black men”) and as a weapon (yep, the dreaded N-bomb explodes again). But this time, I fought back–and won the battle.
One misspelled N-word on Grindr in Wroclaw set the wheels in motion on a course to justice, if not for all, at least for me and for other gay black men on the dating app.
I previously had spent nearly two months in Ukraine, hitting three different cities (Odessa, Kiev, and Lviv). As with all extended stays in foreign countries, I had a series of highs and lows.
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The people in Odessa were spectacularly unfriendly, and one woman in Kiev started angrily shouting at me for no apparent reason as I walked by the bus stop where she was waiting one otherwise quiet Sunday morning. I wondered if the color of my skin, a rarity in the snow-white ex-Soviet bloc country, had sparked her outrage. But I don’t speak Ukrainian and can’t even decipher the Cyrillic alphabet that’s exclusively in use in Ukraine, so I chalked up her peculiar behavior to getting up on the wrong side of a cold, lonely bed.
For the most part, though, Ukrainian locals were as lovely as the city centers of Kiev and Lviv. Even the boys on Grindr were mostly well-behaved. As I told a Kievan named Oles when he respectfully referred to the no-sex policy I’d laid out in my profile, gay men on Grindr in Ukraine were so polite.
He had no idea what “polite” meant and must have taken it as an insult, because after weeks of pursuing me, he disappeared before we ever met. I got to the face-to-face stage with only five men over my two months in Ukraine, but for almost the entire time, none of the hundreds of men who talked to me on Grindr mentioned my race.
It wasn’t until my final week in the country that it finally came up. “I love black men,” Yevgeny announced shortly after meeting me, as we walked through the streets of downtown Lviv. It was the first time anyone had said that to me in person since I landed in Europe in October of last year, but I’d had such positive experiences with gay Ukraine up to then that I brushed off the clichéd “compliment.”
Then I got to Poland. Over the two and a half weeks that followed? I received more “Sex?” and “What are you looking for?” messages than in any 17-day period since I’ve been using gay dating apps. Coming one after another, it was almost-comically extreme. Less funny was the plethora of racial messages. Almost from the minute I arrived in Kraków, they started pouring in.
“BBC!”
“I love black c*ck.”
“I want your big black c*ck in side of me.”
“Is it true that all black men have huge c*cks?”
Things got so annoying that I decided to address it directly in my profile:
Dear white boys in Poland: Please stop mentioning my race. I’m black, and I’m proud already. Telling me you like black men won’t impress or flatter me because I don’t care. I assume if you message me you like me, so just say hi and leave it at that.
Polish guys may speak decent English, but they clearly don’t read it. The “black” talk continued to come in waves. One of the first people to message me in Wroclaw wrote, simply, “Escort?”.
I wondered if he would have asked a random white guy the same thing and decided that even if he would, it was too disrespectful not to clap back.
“F*ck off,” I wrote.
“Stupid niger [sic],” he replied a minute later, followed by a banana emoticon (a monkey reference?).
I didn’t respond. I decided to do something I’d done numerous times before after being called the N-word on Grindr and on Scruff, without ever receiving a response: I reported him on the app?–or rather, I tried to. Each time I completed the process, the same “error” message popped up. Sigh.
After a half-dozen failed attempts, I contacted Grindr Customer Service directly on the website and explained what had happened. Within minutes, an automated email arrived. They were already on the case.
One hour and 15 minutes later, I got another one from someone named Stan that began “Rest assured that Grindr doesn’t not condone or allow this behavior in the community” before requesting more information. I sent him a screen grab of the conversation and of the guy’s profile. Then I favorited it in order to make it easier for him to find.
Two hours and 10 minutes after launching my complaint, I received a mission-accomplished email.
“As outlined in our Terms of Service, our Review Team has banned and removed the profile in question…. I can confirm the profile you reported has been banned from the Grindr platform.”
It took at least twice as many hours for the profile to disappear entirely from the app than it did for my complaint to be addressed, but I was still impressed by how swiftly and decisively justice had been delivered.
The “black” talk kept coming in Poland, but I just moved on to the next message without commenting. I’ve gotten several notes from Polish guys apologizing for the behavior of their fellow gay countrymen. I appreciate their words, but I appreciate Grindr’s even more because for the first time, they backed them up with action.
I know my one victory won’t end racism on dating apps. Surely I’ll be called the N-word on Grindr again. Next time, though, I won’t feel powerless when reading hateful racially charged words from gay men online. Beware, boys. If you’ve been spreading them unchecked, time will soon be up for you, too.
Related: 10 things you should never say to a black guy on Grindr
stranger2myself
So to sum up, no one is allowed to like black guys and their genitalia except black guys, noted. Also we find out that people are on grindr not for sex, that’s some news. I guess he was there to find a soulmate. Adorable.
iamru2
What I have noticed in life is if you give out an attitude you will get the same back and oftentimes worse.
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David
“I assume if you message me you like me.”
^The most naive thing anyone has ever put on Grindr other than, “Just looking to meet good guys.” What are people seeing on Grindr, they’re seeing a picture of you (which probably makes your race very clear from the start) and they might see a small bit of text that they’re not reading if they’re horny. More over, you filled that small bit of text asking people to like you for you.
How on earth is somebody supposed to like you when all they have is one picture of you? Asking guys to message you on Grindr only if they like you is just plain counter productive.
Also there’s no way in hell you’ve got a “no sex rule” if you are on Grindr enough to notice the difference between how men behave in two different countries. You either can’t get enough data because you’re not on enough, or your profile actually says, “Hungry bottom looking for loads.” There’s basically no middle ground.
Also getting a racist’s profile deleted isn’t justice. It’s a minor annoyance.
If you want to experience -real- marginalization on grindr, put up a fat guy’s picture and pay attention to what happens.
Brian
If only Queerty were as conscientious as Grindr when it comes to respecting race and listening to their clientele. I’m sure by the end of the day we’ll have yet another article vilifying white gay men and a bunch of comments pointing it out, which they will ignore, and likely make fun of at their next staff meeting.
GetOffMyInternets
So basically in yet ANOTHER post in which Jeremy discusses how he’s been treated on Grindr, he’s spent time writing an entire article when a simple “Someone called me the N word on Grindr and I got his account banned” would have saved SO much time.
Insufferable.
BeastDong
Another day, another self pity story from Jeremy. We get it Jeremy you’re Black but you don’t have a BBC and white men don’t respect you. Can you stop projecting on the rest of us (yeah I’m black) and get some closure. Some of us love racial play, some of us love being objectified and some us can actually hold up to the stereotype…
OrchidIslander
Jeremy is pretty transparent. He obviously fetishes white guys for their otherness, but he doesn’t want them to verbalize the fact that they are doing the same thing to him. Being on Grindr, and having a no sex policy is just weird. Ditto being a gay black man traveling through lily-white countries and expecting horny guys to not notice – and act upon – race. His sense of decorum is way misplaced, as are the ridiculous demands he tries to place on others. I’m black as well, and when white men tell me they love black guys – it depends on who they are…….
BeastDong
I think it goes slightly deeper than that. Jeremy fetishes white guys but he also craves the attention of white guy fanatics toward black men. If you read his articles you will notice that there is a very clear pattern here . White guys send him messages to meet, yay he gets super excited, but as soon as they see him in real life they completely lose interest. To the point where they won’t have sex with him. Let’s be honest here brother we both know what that means…
GetOffMyInternets
I think what Jeremy also fails to understand (and I’ve said it before) that there are plenty of people who don’t care that he is black that just don’t find him attractive, good looking, or sexually appealing. If you feel that way, you’re still racist. He’s an insufferable, self loathing basket case.
Umoja
1) “Dear white boys in Poland: Please stop mentioning my race.”
But do not complain when I mention your race in a public rant, just to show that I abide by my own rules.
2) If Grindr really cared they could simply use a content filter so that no one received these messages, but they can’t because that is the name of a whole country. Maybe no one uses Grindr in Niger, but the country does have a population over twenty million.
3) “the no-sex policy I’d laid out in my profile”
You’re doing it wrong and/or asking for at least some trouble when you use a hook up app to refuse hook ups
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
MEMO TO EVERYONE:
Grindr is a HOOK UP APP! Not a vehicle for brunch buddies. If someone isn’t interested in you, move the flock on!! So sick of guys staging pity parties here because they were rejected….
Billy Budd
This is so silly and tiresome.
Cacti
Is this guy payed to do nothing and hang out on Grindr all day in foreign countries so he can complain about the locals and their behavior ? lol
To the “author” of this wonderful paper: it took you maybe hours to report and then make the account of this asshole banned, but it takes litteraly 30sec to create a new grindr account…
scubooty
If you wanted to get rid of racism you (Blacks, in general) wouldn’t of set up a racial double standard that requires everyone to find out the race of anyone using a certain word (to figure out if they can say it, or not.) That little malignant trick requires people to check everyone’s race, right? So, it was Blacks who set up this racist practice, because increased racism is the best way to maintain separation (the real goal.)
Kangol
You sound so racist you should head straightaway to the nearest psychologist. Pronto!
UT89B
Good on you Jeremy for reporting that guy. Hateful behavior like that shouldn’t be accepted, even if it’s on a “hook-up app.” Being on Grindr doesn’t give you an excuse to act like a monster.
I’m a bit baffled at the comment section … none of you would want to be treated like Jeremy was treated, right?!. We need to acknowledge the rampant hate, racism and misogyny in the gay community and we need to be better. Obviously not ALL white gays are like this, but some are. We need to stop allowing and accepting that behavior as normal. Articles like this are great for highlighting these problems. Thanks for sharing.
Umoja
Did you read the above?
On Grindr you don’t have to reply to anyone, and in fact, you can just block profiles you don’t want to communicate with. Well, you can, if you’re not desperately trying to entrap others.
When Jeremy tells someone to “F*ck off”, he should recognise that he is being the aggressor and may face some retaliation.
It’s quite an example of cultural imperialism to expect Polish men to have a nuanced and Americanised understanding of racial terms. English isn’t even in their top three languages.
UT89B
Umoja, thanks for responding. Clearly we disagree .. I’ll just share a few quick thoughts
I don’t think telling someone to “f*ck off” gives someone permission to use a racial slur (no matter who the aggressor is). Using the N word with the monkey emoji kinda makes it seem like this guy knew exactly what he was doing, despite not having English as a first language.
Racist stuff happens on Grindr all the time throughout the US, where people ARE expected to have a “nuanced and Americanised understanding of racial terms.” And yeah, we totally could block those profiles, but it’s got to be exhausting hearing that garbage all the time. I don’t think it’s too much to ask everyone to be kinder and less aggressive on dating apps.
Brian
It may not be too much to ask for people to be kinder on dating apps, but it’s stupid to think that will actually happen. We’ve had the internet for over 20 years now, we all know that a lot of people are obnoxious jerks when they’re hiding behind the safety of their screen. If that were going to change, it would have changed by now, instead it’s just gotten worse. Chalk it up to human nature and learn to deal with it, because it’s never going away and it’s incredibly naive to think otherwise.
mr guy
Queerty x Jeremy Helligar — where narcissistic wokism unproblematically meets sex tourism—exploitation of economically disadvantaged populations—for financial gain and woke cookies. “Progressive” head pats all round
bishonen91
Your stories always involve you’re experiences with white men and your adventures with them; do you not have anything else to talk about? You claim that you hate feeling like a fetish but it seems you do the same to white guys but try to write it off because you’re black. I really hate when I see other black men try so hard to be liked by white men. Like its 2018 and if you haven’t figured out that a lot of the white gay men out here look at us the same way white women did during slavery and jim crow days then you need to wake up. The desperation for white attention is sad at this point.
Kangol
My comments about JH usually get deleted so I’ve stopped posting direct responses, but you’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s trapped in a personal crisis that he keeps writing about over and over on here. (I’ve suggested he write a book in the past, but that got deleted too.) He’s a middle aged black writer who only seems to search on Grindr/dating apps for young white boyfriends/partners, etc., particularly white Eastern/Central Europeans, meaning they’ve had very little exposure to black people in general, let alone African Americans, but then appears surprised when they objectify him, behave in a casually racist fashion, primarily seek sex, etc. This is not to defend these white guys, but at the same time, the same scenario keeps playing. It’s also kind of ironic during this current moment of heightened white patriarchal nationalism and white supremacy not just in the US but across Europe. Perhaps there is an ideal young white Central European guy who’s on Grindr/dating apps, who’s racially aware, and who’s seeking friendship with a black guy double his age; coelacanths were thought to be extinct but were eventually discovered, so who knows?
Chrisk
@Kangol. Haha. I guess if I was obsessedly trolling for young guys I’d probably be bitching about their behavior all the time too and I’m a white guy.
Large Hardon Collider
Poor brave Jeremy, he “boldly goes where no (black) man has gone before,” i.e. obscure parts of Eastern Europe. But why not Moldova and Transnistria? – I hear they’re lovely this time of year.
Perhaps Star Fleet can send him to some all-white planet where he will never run out of things to complain about!
kamirX
I assume Queerty continues to publish this snow queen’s magnum opus of (alleged) sexual oppression to affirm (this) black men’s obsession with white men?
Yooper
Uh, someone shut this person down, creating drama is not the same as actually being on the receiving end of oppression or racist actions.