romantic histories

Ricky Martin Loved His Affairs With Women, But He’s Definitely Not Bisexual

Today’s Ricky Martin interview with Oprah was pretty sprawling, but I’m still gonna buy the book! They covered everything from having his heart broken (for a man he was willing to give up his career for) and coming out to his parents to, yes, his romancing the ladies.

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So what was with his “passionate love affairs” (Oprah’s words) with women? Were they just a way, asks Oprah, to mask his sexuality? Says Ricky: “I’m sure I’m not the only gay man who felt attraction to women.” But: “I am not bisexual. I am a gay man. For many years I thought I was [bi].”

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  • john

    Scientifically proven, everyone is “strait” and everyone is “gay”. You are just attracted to one sex more than the other. Sometimes to the extreme, but nontheless the attraction is there.

  • peteNsfo

    I saw it, as well as yesterday’s interview w/ Portia DeRossi. Both were terrific & Oprah didn’t get all goofy, which sends a very positive message about gay people, as part of the everyday fabric of life, to the whole world.

    And, Ricky’s message to Latin culture cannot be underestimated. It’s huge.

  • David in Houston

    I thought it was odd that Ricky didn’t want to be labeled bisexual, even though he’s been intimate with women AND finds them sexually attractive. If that isn’t bisexual, I don’t know what is.

  • Electro

    @David in Houston:

    That’s because Ricky, like myself, believes that sexuality is a spectrum like Oprah stated. He’s saying that he does identify himself as a gay man but he has some significant degree of attraction towards women. Not enough to consider himself fully bisexual (EQUALLY attracted to both genders) but he is aware of this attraction, although his attraction for men will always overpower that small attraction towards women.

    This is why we should try to avoid labels. Sexuality isn’t black and white because there’s always that gray area.

  • wannabegay2

    @David in Houston: its actually great that he corrected oprah on that issue. bisexual you are if you are attracted to both sexes and you love both sexes. you can have sex with women and be gay, that doesn’t make you str8.

  • Hilarious

    Actually he’s just trying to save face because his longtime straight female fans feel lied to.

    He’s not remotely attracted to women, gmab. Smelled the gay on him as a teen, watched him shake his bonbon, called him out, got asked “Why do gay guys always try to accuse everyone of being gay?!”.

    Suddenly it’s a crime to specify gay or straight and “everyone” is bisexual. Yeah right.

    There are bisexuals and they’re a tiny minority of an already tiny minority. All this sexuality is fluid stuff is a load of bs. If it was we wouldn’t have nearly as much trouble as we do right now and in the past.

    Hell I’d love for sexuality to be fluid and for people to stop hating others over random things like skin color, sexuality, and ethnicity. But just because “We are the world.” doesn’t mean it’s time to put on the rose colored glasses and sip tea in La La Land. Everyone is not bisexual, sexuality is not fluid for everyone, and yes most people on the planet are only SEXUALLY attracted to one gender. Get over it.

  • dannyal

    anyone else shed a small tear during the story between him and his mom? I felt kind of all warm inside.

  • xyz

    i think this is a very good effort, which provide me a lot of knowledge about the history and cluture

  • Aaron


    Bisexual has NEVER meant Equally attracted to both sexes. Bi, as a prefix, simply means two and/or both. Hence Bisexual means you share characteristics of both Heterosexuals and Homosexuals. If you’re attracted to both men and women…. yeah, in the technical sense, you’re bisexual. And in my own personal opinion, if you’ve voluntarily had sex with both men and women, you are sexually bisexual. Unless you’re being forced, you ultimately have that choice whether to or whether to not have sex with the sex that you do not find attractive. If you’re straight, you’re gonna choose not to. If you’re gay… same. If you choose to have sex with them, then that would indicate that you most likely have a subconscious attraction to them. This does not mean you fall in love with them, it just means you can derive pleasure out of sex with them. Science has proven that Love and Sex are two absolutely different parts of the brain. So No, I’m not saying everybody is Bi…. that’s not true. I believe there are people who are both %100 Romantically Heterosexual or Homosexual, and %100 Sexually Heterosexual or Homosexual.

    That was rambling, but it fits into this story. If he’s sexually attracted to women, and apparently romantically as well, I’d say he’s Bisexual…. but only technically, and certainly more attracted both ways to men. I’ve noticed most people choose to align themselves with either straight or gay, because it’s just much easier that way. Hence why so many people say that Bi is just the stepping stone to Gay. It is, but only as an identity. Perhaps Ricky Martin identifies as gay because that’s what he feel’s his identity could be described as, not his sexuality strictly. Either that or he just doesn’t want to have to come out again (this time as bisexual) after he’s already spent so much time being hounded by the tabloids and gay men about him being gay.

    I’m sure I’ll get lots of thumbs down, but I don’t really care. I’m a proud Bisexual man, and if that makes me a gay in denial, or an experimenting straight, so be it.

  • soakman

    Men are less sexually fluid than women. Fact. At least according to my old neuroscientist/sexoligist professor. She uses plethysmographs to record physical responses to a variety of sexual stimulus for both men and women.

    And this ‘everyone is bi’ idea is offensive if only because you’re denying individuals their personal experiences based (probably) on nothing but your own. I understand the theory of the ‘spectrum’ and Kinsey’s scale, but those are both theories (older now) and based MOSTLY on self-identification and biased self-reports.

    A lot of people want to think they’re some kind of sexually ‘free’ being regardless of whether or not it’s true. You can make your body do a lot of things (including having sex with someone you aren’t at all into). That doesn’t mean that you’re bisexual. It means you were bored, curious, closeted, felt like you needed to counter some kind of stagnation, or maybe you are bisexual. But I don’t think anyone will know for sure unless they attach wires to your junk.

    It’s safer to assume a limited sexuality for men and a more fluid one for women. Not ALWAYS true, but this ‘everyone’s bisexual’ thing is really obnoxious.

  • Bob

    Oaky Oprah….are you moved enough to come out?????

  • Bob

    Okay Oprah….are you moved enough to come out?????

  • MMDD

    Gay men face a double stigma in society: 1) the stigma of being sexually attracted to men and 2) the stigma of not being sexually attracted to women. As powerful as these stigmas are in American culture, they are almost minuscule in comparison to Latino culture, where women are constantly and unwaveringly lifted up (and lift themselves up) as sexual objects. Ricky may very well have conditioned himself to be bisexual to a certain degree because of his cultural upbringing.

    Now, if he starts dating women again after coming out as gay, then I’m crying bullshit. His actions will define him from this point forward, regardless of what he chooses to call himself.

  • jason

    Bisexual does NOT mean equal attraction to both sexes. It means any degree of attraction, not just half-half. The confusion is caused by the prefix “bi”, which suggest “in half”. In its correct translation, bisexual simply means “two sexual”, meaning oriented to two genders. It has nothing to do with relative quantities.

    As for Ricky Martin, I think he is bisexually oriented but his predominant orientation is to men. He may have a 95:5 male:female orientation, for instance. You can’t really quantify these things precisely, partly because they can’t be precisely measured.

    In any case, I’m rather cynical of Ricky. His act in the past was a manufactured hetero guy image into which Ricky no doubt had an input. Like George Michael, his videos were full of leggy females. His record company probably hired these silly women to strut and pose like models on a catwalk. Sad, really.

  • Cam


    Exactly! It’s the same B.S. that George Michael came out with when he was outed. The first thing he said was that Carless Whisper and other love songs were written about women.


    That said, congrats to Ricky for finally coming out, I wish he and his family well.

  • jason

    Not everyone is bi. But the concept of bisexuality for men has been almost totally ignored over the years by both the gay male community and the straight community.

    My view is that the concept of male bisexuality is most important. It liberates men in general. Note that I use the word “concept”. I use this word because I’m attempting to convey the notion that the idea is just as important as the actual act.

    The idea of male bisexuality loosens the chains of ideology placed on men by both the church and women. The church is afraid of male bisexuality because it is viewed as being conducive to a promiscuity paradigm. Women are afraid of male bisexuality because it represents a competition paradigm in which they stand to lose.

    Women cannot compete with men for the affections of men. They are physically weaker and their sex drive is nowhere near as strong as a man in heat. In a society where male-male sexuality is completely de-stigmatized, men will turn to each other with relative ease, leaving women out in the cold where they will be useful only for the purpose of procreation. It’s the ancient Greek model.

    I truly believe that the concept of male sexual fluidity must be incorporated into a male liberation or men’s rights movement. Not necessarily the practice but certainly the concept.

  • Dino

    @john: How could that ever be scientifically proven?

  • Dino

    @Aaron: Thumbs up!! From a straight guy.

    One of my biggest peeves is when someone calls bisexuality a “stepping stone” or “a phase” or a transitional identity or whatever. It can be — but so can homosexuality and heterosexuality

  • Dino

    @soakman: Or, better yet, *don’t assume anything.* Respect everyone, label no one — that’s the prerogative of the individual.

  • afrolito


    Thumbs up from a straight guy?? LMAO!

  • afrolito

    I thought that Ricky pointedly asserting that he was a gay man, and not bisexual, was interesting. I have no reason to disbelieve him, as he could have easily come out as bi, and made things easier for himself. The fact is, gay men in the closet have sex with women everyday, and even enjoy it. What he did is not out of the ordinary.

    Other people trying to suddenly paint him as bi, are just projecting their own issues on to him. Ricky is living his TRUTH.

  • BubbasBack

    And the truth is that, his new song, is a piece of crap! Burp.

  • Cam


    DINO, people call it that because nearly every single gay friend I have, when they were first coming out said that they were “Bi” as a step out of the closet.

    Trying to ignore the reality of people’s actions just makes you look silly.

  • Raul


    His mother drag him out of the closet when he was 21. He confess to her that he was in love with a man at 21…and she hugs him and whatevs… so why keep the lie to yourself and to the rest of the world???? You kept the lie to sell more records to horny teenage girls… And there is nothing wrong with that…its a smart move… Now, he is not selling that fantasy anymore but he will be in the elton john category “the gay guy with great songs” (I Loooove some of his songs in Spanish)

    On the other side…I find him a very disturbed person right next to the Micheal Jackson category….
    “im Mother and Father?????!!!!!” WTF is that… queen you are gay… You are not str8…why do we try to fit in the “normal” standard and force ourselves to be married and have families???… Why didnt you make your kids having sex with a girl??? why did you buy them like its similar to buy candy???

    of course they are going to ask where is my mother and your answer is: I’m sorry Im selfish and i needed kids around so i dont feel lonely but i didnt wanted boobs around this house…

  • Raul

    And this is also great: “I never left them more than 2 days…”

  • meego

    @Cam: Couldn’t agree more! The saying, “Bi now, gay later”, has, does, and will apply to a whole heck of a lot more people that you realize! I, too, have known a great many men and women who were “bi” in the early stages of coming out but soon after came out as all gay or all lesbian.

  • meego

    @Dino: You strike me as one of those questioning/insecure “straight” guys. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, for one thing. Showing “support” for your gay friends is one thing, but you’ve been showing “support” more and more lately. Hmmmm.

  • Tommy

    I think the reason Ricky may have said he was gay rather than bisexual was because although he was attracted to women in the past and enjoyed sex with them, currently he is only interested in men. Thus he defines himself as a gay man.
    To be bisexual, I don’t think your attraction has to be 50/50, but I think you have to have some current attraction to both sexes. Even though I have had sex with women in the past, I”m not currently interested in having sex or relationships with women so I call myself a gay man. Your sexual orientation can change over the course of your life.

    As far as Dino, people should leave him alone. Maybe he just finds gay issues interesting from an intellectual point of view, important to society or has some job related reason to do research on them. I go to sites about African American or feminist issues for those reasons.
    I think we should welcome anyone who comes here as long as they aren’t homophobic without questioning their motives.

  • Kieran

    Wouldn’t we all have loved to have seen a show like this on television when we were 12 or 13 years old? Ricky Martin making it clear that he’s not bisexual, he’s a proud gay man. Wow, how times have changed. Young gay kids today should know and appreciate that it wasn’t very long ago when gay people had absolutely ZERO representation on TV (except for the occassional stereotypical, effeminate queer held up as the butt of a joke)

  • jay edwards

    Great stuff! Brings to mind a hilarious book I finished recently–The Making of Bernie Trumble by Robert Wetherall. Entertaining take on a world run by the ladies–where men are on the bottom and the ladies are on top!

  • Carlos

    @Bob: Hahahahahahahahaahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha (really, I’m like that) hahahahaha

  • Jamie

    @Cam: Actually, George Michael said in a 2004 interview with GQ magazine that he is sexually attracted to women, just not romantically.

  • Jamie

    @meego: That’s only because they have more power in identifying as gay but they still have bisexual attractions. Why do many bi-racial people who are half black and half white end up identifying as only black when in fact they are as much white as they are black? It’s society that wants to put people in categories all the time.

  • AdonisFire

    Human sexuality is a lot more complicated than |straight| / |gay| / |bisexual|.

  • Cam

    @Jamie: said..

    “Actually, George Michael said in a 2004 interview with GQ magazine that he is sexually attracted to women, just not romantically.”

    You got it in reverse. Bitter Mr. Michael tried to say that he felt more intimate with women, but wasn’t sexually attracted to them. Well DUH!!! How many High School gays have a best friend who is a woman that they love being around, share all their secrets etc.. with but hey, guess what ladies…he’s just not into you THAT way. ;)

  • Jamie


    Nope, here’s a quote from contactmusic about the 2004 George Michael interview:

    George Michael Still Attracted To Women

    Pop superstar GEORGE MICHAEL is still attracted to women, despite being openly gay.

    The FAITH hitmaker was forced to admit his homosexuality in 1997 after being arrested after propositioning an undercover policeman in a Los Angeles park.

    But Michael insists he still has straight urges: “When I walk into a restaurant I check out the women before the men, they’re more glamorous.

    “I would have sex with women, no question.”

    He also talked about being attracted to Madonna during her “chubby days”. Elton John said something similar in a 2001 interview with the London Sun newspaper, that he still sometimes fancies women. Sexuality for men is not as fixed as people think.

  • Dino

    @Cam: Cam, I know people who used to identify as gay and now identify as bisexual, straight people who are now bisexual, and straight people (duh) who are now gay. That doesn’t mean that when someone tells me that they’re straight/gay/bi I raise my eyebrows and say, “Oh really? Well, we all experiment. Let me know when you’ve decided!”

  • Dino

    @meego: I don’t like that slash between “questioning” and “insecure.” You have to be secure to question your own identity.

  • SteveC

    Ricky is such a queen. Always has been. Good for him.

    Remember that his revelations are mainly about selling his book and record.

    He’s not coming out for his children. He was already out in his personal life for many years. He’s coming out because he is trying to revive his stagnant career, his looks are fading, and he needs a new angle with which to promote himself.

    Again, good for him. I have no problem with this.

    It’s a nice interview, but let’s not forget, that his PR people prepped him with the answers that will appeal most to the public.

    Entertainers are fake. They are talented, and good looking. But they are not honest. They are selling themselves as a product. They are about marketing.

  • Herbert Wassinger

    This man is to be respected. And can’t we all identify with his description of the RELIEF that he felt when he finally came completely out. Nice interview, Ricky.

  • MMDD

    @Jamie: I think it’s important to remember that these guys are celebrities, and they live very different lifestyles from most other folks who struggle to come to terms with their sexuality. Also, male celebrities are held to a completely different standard than female celebrities. (Compare Ricky’s interview with the one Oprah did with Chely Wright last spring. Hmmm, funny, but she didn’t seem to rave about about how “passionate” it was having sex with Brad Paisley.)

    This is precisely why I rarely get excited when a male celebrity comes out as gay because there’s a 99% chance he’ll start talking about the women he’s had sex with and likely would again if the opportunity arose. Bi seems to be the new gay these days, at least for male celebrities who come out: Tom Ford, Elton John, George Michael, Rupert Everett, and now Ricky.

  • D.R.A.

    @MMDD: Don’t forget Adam Lambert!

    And, yeah, if a person really is sexually attracted to men and women, that automatically makes the person bisexual. Ricky Martin doesn’t have to identify as bisexual if he does not want to, of course, but if he’s genuinely attracted to women, then he’s technically bisexual.

    Also, bisexually does NOT mean being equally attracted to both sexes. Someone who’s, say, 85% attracted to women and only 15% attracted to men is still bisexual.

  • Mysanthropic Destiny

    I identify as gay because I am sexually and emotionally attracted to men. I am physically attracted to women, to a lesser degree, but i have never had real romantic feelings for them, not that I am closed to such a thing though.

  • soakman


    It’s not the individual’s perogative when it is isolating other members of the community. Call yourself what you want, but claiming any blanket statement about people’s sexuality (especially when based on subjective content like emotional attachments and desires)is isolating. I’m not claiming that the majority of men aren’t sexually fluid. I’m claiming that they are LESS fluid than women. Specifically when it comes to raw physical sexual arousal.

    To be honest, many of my professor’s studies showed that women tend to have a higher arousal state in regards to watching OTHER animals have sex than some men have towards the opposite sex of which they self-identify as being attracted to.

    In other words, women watching monkeys bang get more turned on than a gay man watching lesbian porn or a straight man watching gay porn. And men, in general, even have a tendency towards being more visually stimulated than women do.

    I’m not assuming anything other than that which has been brought to my attention by a very intelligent and well-respected sex researcher.

  • Red


    Adam Lambert never dated or fucked a woman. Tom Ford, Elton John, George Michael, Rupert Everett, Ricky Marin dated and fucked numerous women. There is a difference. If Adam is truely attracted to both sexes, why no girlfriend ever? It’s so much easier for a bi guy to find girlfriends. He is a known party animal and has been hanging out in the night-club scene in LA for years. Hard to believe a 28 year old guy has never fucked a woman if he wanted to.

  • MMDD

    @Red: Oh, please. Adam Lambert could be fucking a woman right now for all you know. Just because it’s not making headlines doesn’t mean he isn’t doing it. And besides, where is it written that you MUST have sex with a particular gender you find attractive before you reach a certain age?

    Adam openly makes out with countless women and raves about how hot they are. He’s made no secret of his supposed “bi-curiosity.” In a few years when he’s tired of partying, he’ll likely settle down with a woman and start playing the “labels are so passé” game.

  • TheInsider

    @SteveC: You said it. That’s how it works. In TV, they sit before the show actually goes on the air, i.e. Oprah and Ricky, and discuss all the questions and rehearse it. Glad Ricky Martin is out, but let’s not delude ourselves: money talks, and his career in the U.S. was in the toilet.

  • Michael

    I believe he owes some sort of apology to at least the women he lied to. They were obviously used to foster his fame and fortune, and that’s a bit selfish for a gay man.

  • Red


    LMAO at you thinking you actually know what Adam is thinking and feeling and think you know what Adam will do in the future.
    The fact is that Adam says that he never had a sex with a woman. He is just honest enough to say, “Hmm. I’m curious because I’ve never done it”. He might act on it, he might not. Who knows. But when a female fan said she would turn him straight, he responded; “Unless you’ve got a surprise under that skirt, I don’t think it’s happening”. I don’t think Adam will ever be with a women, he’ll never have an actual “girlfriend” IMO. He admits he is a boy-crazy and likes da d!ck lol. Kissing a woman wouldn’t change him being gay. Lots of gay men kiss women at some point or another in their lives. The opposite is true of heteros. Why kissing/smacking/making out is such a big deal? In dance clubs, people do that just for fun. If you think that is a big deal, you must be really old-fashioned, conservative man.

  • Jamie

    @Michael: He didn’t lie to them. Did you actually watch the interview? He made it perfectly clear that he did fall in love with women and enjoyed sex with them. That’s not lying.

  • MMDD

    @Red: Of course I don’t know what he’s thinking or what he will be doing. I’m just saying it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he did start dating a woman down the road. Regardless of his attraction to guys, he’s made it clear that he’s into females far more than just simple curiosity. Besides, it’s really not that unusual for a guy to initially come out as gay but later on get his first taste of pussy, go absolutely hog wild over it, then naturally move into bisexuality and start dating women. The very same could happen with Adam (notice I said COULD, not WILL).

  • MMDD

    @Red: Of course I don’t know what he’s thinking or what he will be doing. I’m just saying it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he did start dating a woman down the road. Regardless of his attraction to guys, he’s made it clear that he’s into females far more than just simple curiosity. Besides, it’s really not that unusual for a guy to initially come out as gay but later on get his first taste of p*ssy, go absolutely hog wild over it, then naturally move into bisexuality and start dating women. The very same could happen with Adam (notice I said COULD, not WILL).

  • afrolito


    Correct me if I’, wrong, but didn’t Adam already admit to eating pussy ages ago? I seem to remember him mentioning that, when discussing his first sexual experience.

  • Louis

    I am 60 years old and unlike the younger generation most guys had girlfriends before being totally out. We all had to learn to be heterosexual before knowing for sure the true extend of our desires.Ricky Martin is couragous man.

  • Kim

    @Jamie: ITA Also Ricky says he is still friends with his ex girlfriends

  • Kim

    Oprah mentioned on her Portia interview that she received the most hate mail ever when she was on ELLEN in 97. Well I just read the comments on regarding Ricky show very little has changed.They are questioning Oprah’s Christianity, vey hateful comments I was suprised . In 2010?

  • Jamie

    @jason: I agree that the concept of male bisexuality would free men but I disagree with your sexist views on women. Physically weaker? Yeah, I guess that’s why they live longer than we do… because they’re physically weaker lol. Strength isn’t just about having big muscles and a big sex drive. Women are stronger than men in many ways, more endurant, more compassionate and understanding of the complexities of human nature. I completely disagree that women cannot compete with men for male attention. I consider myself a bisexual man and even though I have strong sexual urges for “men in heat”, I also strongly desire and crave the sensuality of a woman.

    Many women are afraid of male bisexuality simply because the media completely ignores it and focuses instead on female bisexuality. You fear what you don’t understand. Secondly, there’s also the fear of HIV that comes into play. I’ve always been very honest with the people I was with and I find that women do understand male bisexuality if the man is honest with them and doesn,t try to hide his attractions to men. The media tells people that as soon as a man has desires for other men, he’s gay and if he had sex with women in the past, he must have lied to them. That’s simply not true.

  • scribe

    Why does it bother gay men, when other gay men or bisexuals slept with females? I don’t get it. I’m a gay male, with a dude for 17 years, but I have at times slept with females. I have slept with them for different reasons, some because I have loved them, others because their sexual energy matched my own. The best sexual partner I have ever had (wildness, willingness to try threesomes, etc) as been a woman. I have gay butch female friends that I find attractive. YES I Prefer male energy and BODIES, but some women touch my heart and make it to my bed. I have lied to dudes about sleeping with girls, but never to a girl with about being with guys.

  • afrolito


    Does the dude you’ve been with for 17 years know that the best sex you’ve ever had, has been with a woman? I’m sure he’d love hearing that.

  • MMDD

    @scribe: So you have more respect for the women you’ve had sex with than the guys you’ve had sex with? You tell women the truth but lie to guys? Heck, you’ve even lied in your post here by calling yourself a gay man when you’re obviously a bisexual. It’s because of guys like you that men get held to the fire and called out on their bullsh*t when it comes to their sexuality and sexual behavior.

  • Max the Communist

    Am I glad that Ricky is open about his fluid sexuality? Yes. Am I disappointed that he doesn’t have an identity that indicates his sexuality is fluid? A little.

    He has a right to pick whatever identity he wants. I just fear that his choice of “gay” leads others to believe that any identity other than straight or gay is illegitimate, a concept that just reinforces the artificial and oppressive binary between straights and gays.

    It’s like fluid sexuality is that last taboo. There are plenty of people who do it, but they don’t dare to name it–because they know they won’t get any respect or support from straights or gays. It’s forbidden to give fluid sexuality legitimacy by respecting the identities that are created to indicate that kind of sexuality.

    Or, in spite of all the LGBTQ activism and sex-positive activism, people are still afraid of any sexuality that makes it seem like people are “choosing” their sexuality. On that topic, I think the religious right has us running scared.

  • Jamie

    @Max the Communist: I agree. It’s strange how people started clapping and cheering when he said “I’m not bisexual, I’m a gay man”. Is there something wrong with being bisexual or fluid?

  • Mykey

    @David in Houston: I dunno why society believes you are either straight or gay, nothing in-between! Sexuality as stated by many is very fluid, ranging from either corner of the kinsey scale!

  • SG

    If Ricky Martin is really a gay man he’s not going to have any sexual attraction to women at all.

    I agree with the poster that said how he only claimed that he has attraction to women just because of the straight female fan base.

    There are a whole shit load of latent bisexuals masquerading around as gay men because they are ignorant of the fact that bisexual doesn’t only mean an equal attraction to both genders or they’re too scared to admit it because they’ve invested so much of their time and energy cultivating a gay identity.

    The dirty little secret that never gets addressed in the so called “gay” world is the fact that many gay men do go through a second coming out and re-identify as bisexual. These men may still overwhelmingly prefer men, but their orientation and identity are not exclusively towards men. And how their attraction to both sexes manifests differently as well. The ridiculous protest that “well it just happened that one time, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not going to happen again” belies the fact if you really were gay it wouldn’t have happened in the first place and to now assume that it would never happen again defies basic logic.

    It’s always weird to be corrected by someone who is wrong in their knowledge of a subject. I’ve found that if you dare to even allude to someone not being not quite “gay” (in other words bisexual) then you get the typical apoplectic reaction–oh no, no, no, he’s gay, he’s definitely gay, absolutely, no question about it, and on and on and on. So many gay men are so fucking bi-phobic it’s unreal–and it’s usually because they don’t understand the concept in the first place and they’ve made no attempt to do so.

    A good number of men who say they are gay aren’t fully gay. They only say they are gay because they want a relationship with a guy. But a good number of them if they can’t find a guy when they are horny will have sex with a woman and they’re sexually attracted to women but have more sexual and romantic attractions to men.

  • MX

    Since the beginning, the entire GLBT movement has ultimately fought for one reason: To show to the world that there’s no shame in being who you are sexually; that it’s okay to be yourself.

    So what’s with all this hate against bisexuality and bisexuals? It baffles me that gay people – who should understand this more than anyone else – are sometimes into bashing bisexuals and talking out their ass saying that bisexuality doesn’t exist or else that it’s rare.

    No I did not say that all gay men are biphobic or somehow dislike bisexuals.

    A lot of people who’re in the process of coming to terms with being gay struggle with the fact of “I’ll never get married and have babies naturally like everyone else does”. I think a lot of young gay people desperately want to believe that they’re bi as a way around this; to believe that they can fit in and be like everyone else.

    Just because these people aren’t actually bi doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no one on the planet who’s genuinely bisexual.

    As for Ricky Martin he’s either confused about what it means to be a gay man and is really bisexual and has always been bisexual.

    Or he said that he’s somehow a homosexual man yet somehow attracted to women to keep selling an image of being a pop star musician.

    I’m a gay man and I have had sex with women but they enjoyed it more than I did. I can tell if a woman is beautiful but that does not mean I have a sexual attraction to women. I have never had any sexual attraction to women even if I did have sex with them when I was younger and I was trying to be heterosexual or make myself that way but it does not work that way.

  • meego

    I can tell you one thing from experience. The number of bisexual men who actually are bisexual, be it 50%-50%, 60-40, 70-30, whatever, is rather small. Of course there men who really are bisexual. But the number seems to be far less than you’d think. A large part of men will label themselves bi during their coming out process only to eventually say they are gay. They usually say that once the coming out process is completed. Like it or not, the word “bi” is often used during coming out and then disappears after coming out.

    It would be difficult to assess what percentage of the male population actually is bi. (It’s been said that gay is about 10%, more or less. But really, who cares) There are so many factors and variables to consider. As its been said many times, human sexuality is not just black and white. There’s a lot of grey in between. I wouldn’t know where to begin!

    I for one have always been 100% gay. Never been attracted to women in any way other than friendship. Does that make me 100% gay? Do my platonic friendships with women make me, say, 90%, 95% gay instead of 100% gay? Who knows and who cares!

    Bottom line, life is short. Do not waste it trying to cut everything up into neat little compartments and percentages and what not. Accept yourself as you are and enjoy! If your loved ones have a problem with that, educate them. If they still won’t listen, then move on with your life.

  • Jamie

    @meego: As someone else mentioned, the bi label can be used as a stepping stone to a gay IDENTITY but that doesn’t mean there are no more attractions to the opposite sex. Many people with bisexual attractions identify as gay for the same reasons many bi-racial people identify as black. If Barack Obama had called himself bi-racial (which he is), he would have never gotten elected because there’s no such thing as the “bi-racial community” or the “mixed race community”. There’s the “black community”. Even if we talk about bisexuality, people always refer to LGBT people as the “gay community” and so identifying as gay is apparently more powerful than identifying as bisexual – atleast for men it is.

  • MX

    Yes the percentage of bisexual men and women is small since GLBT people are a very small percentage of the human population and straights/heteros make up the majority. I’ve heard that bisexual people make up anywhere from 8-12% or even as high as 15% of the population.

    Just because some gay men and lesbians hide behind the “bisexual” label before they come out does not mean that it’s impossible for someone to be bisexual. If someone is really gay or lesbian and not bisexual then they’re not bisexual at all because they’re only sexually attracted to one gender. You can be a gay man and be married to a woman, only have had sex with a woman or all the women in the world, and be a complete virgin to men but you’re still going to be a gay man. It’s like that with bisexuals in that if you are really bisexual you’re not going to stop being attracted to both genders and these attractions can change throughout your life. Yes you can be bisexual and be completely monogamous.

    If someone is really bisexual then the label of bisexual is not going to disappear and they are never going to be straight, lesbian, or gay.

    I’m a bisexual man. One of the real ones. I’ve been out since I was 10 as I knew this rather early like some gay men do. I’ve been attracted to both genders since I was a child/teenager. My attractions have changed over time. I’ve had times where I leaned towards women and toward men but my attractions to both never disappeared. I’ve had years when I was very equal or what they call 50/50. I can’t really think of myself in terms of percents or ratios and as far as the Kinsey scale or Klein Grid go I’ve been on multiple places on it.

    I’ve met men who are gay and closeted who call themselves bisexual but it’s very easy to tell that these are gay men. How? They’re not attracted to women at all as gay men and it’s not that hard to tell that these men are gay. I have a few gay male friends who told me how they once did think that they were bisexual just because they dated women or because they’d had their first time sexual experiences with women as a teenager or young adult before they realized that they’re gay and not bisexual.

    I’ve dated and had long term relationships with other actual bisexual men and I’m currently dating another bisexual man and it’s going well.

    I’ve dated and had relationships with gay men and straight women too.

    I can understand what real bisexual women feel like when they see celebs like Lady Gaga, Megan Fox, or Madonna claiming that they’re bisexual just because they’ve made out with a few women or say that they only have a physical attraction to women yet are only ever seen dating men. Then there are real bisexual women like Margaret Cho, Kathy Acker, Dr. Carol Queen, Susie Bright, and Sandra Bernhard.

    Lots of people in history who were once thought to be “gay” are bisexual such as Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, Alexander the Great, and others.

    I do know some bisexual men who do lean toward men and are in a relationship with another bisexual man and they tell gay men that they are “gay” just because they feel as though some gay men do not understand bisexuality. They tell straight people that they’re bisexual since they feel that most straights understand bisexuality better than some gay men do.

    This has not been my personal experience with gay men.

    I’ve been out as a bisexual man for decades. I have never met any gay men or lesbians who are biphobic and told me how I did not exist at all or who said that it’s not possible to be bisexual.

    When I went to gay and lesbian centers I was told about bisexuality. This happened both when I was first coming out as a teenager and young adult. It happened later when I was out and went to different gay and lesbian centers besides the ones I went to as a teenager/young adult.

    When I’d talk to gay men who were friends and strangers in gay bars, and I’d describe my sexuality to them they said I was bisexual.

    When I first entered a gay bar and talked to gay men and identified myself as being bisexual they were nothing but supportive of me.

    These gay men are not biphobic, they do understand bisexuality and are nothing but supportive of bisexuals. I have never had the experience of having a gay man tell me how I’m not really bisexual and how eventually I’ll come out as a gay man.

    Even when I have dated women or had relationships with women, or had the possibility of marrying a woman gay men have been highly supportive of my bisexuality. These gay men who sometimes have only had sex with men understand that there are different ways to be bisexual and that some bisexuals are pretty equal while others prefer one gender over the other.

    The best thing bisexuals can do to be visible is come out and be out even if it’s not National Coming out day, bisexuality day, or pride.

  • Dave

    Again with the labels, and judgment. If you’re bi, some gay men say your weak and need to pick a side, Really? and the straight people just say your confused. again wtf. Look if I fall in love with a woman its about that woman and my relationship to her with sex just being a small part of it and the same applys if I fall in love with a man. again the sex is just a small part of it, I fall in love and desire the “person” and who they are regardless of what equipment or genitals they may have. I have strong desires for men and have had a few long term (5+yrs) relationships with men and I am currently in a relationship with my wife of 26 yrs , My desire for men doesn’t go away, Just like a straight married man, the desire for a blonde hottie with a rack doesn’t go away, However I am committed to my wife and her as a person and our relationship. It would be the same if I was married to a man. I get “fed” different ways from each gender. I just think it’s a bunch of useless mental masturbation to be trying to label and project your picture of what a bisexual should and should not be in to a box. fuk the box and labels people, You love who you love, that’s it, it’s not complicated!

    Ricky is probably saying that he did not use a woman as a beard or as a way to fake being a gay man and that he was somehow magically sexually attracted to women yet is a gay man, just to save face and because he stayed in the closet for decades even though mostly everyone that’s not a straight woman knew he’s not straight and he even flat out avoided the question of his sexuality when asked about it in interviews.

  • Ervs

    It is possible that before he was out he had relationships with women is his attempt to be straight and they were decent relationships. But once he resolved to be who he is, anything with women disappears. It doesn’t make him bisexual necessarily. It make him an oppressed human being just like prisoners who have gay relationships in prison. Not gay not bi bot straight.

  • m

    Believe your gay propaganda… get over yourself.

  • Alice

    @Electro: Bissexuality doesn’t mean necessarily being EQUALLY atracted to both sexes. It just means you can have a romantic and/or sexual atraction to people regardless of their gender. I DOUBT IT that, if he was a man saying he had ”passionate” relationships with men, and enjoyed them, but called himself ”straight”, people would be taking him seriously.

  • Alice

    @MX: ”I can understand what real bisexual women feel like when they see celebs like Lady Gaga, Megan Fox, or Madonna claiming that they’re bisexual just because they’ve made out with a few women or say that they only have a physical attraction to women yet are only ever seen dating men.”

    Oh, you were going so well. And then, all of a sudden, you insist on telling how a bissexual should and should not be, the same thing you were angry about before. So, if a woman is only seen dating men, she can’t be bissexual? Weren’t you the one saying the thing that determines sexual orientation is a person’s desires and feelings, and not their sexual behavior?

    I’m a 24-year-old bissexual woman, and I’ve only been with one woman, when I was 22. But I’ve known I’m bi since I’m 09, and I really resent know-it-alls that think I need to fulfill some quota of woman-f*cking untill I’m a ”Real Bissexual”.

    It’s annoying and disrespectful to act like you know more abt a person’s feelings, desire and identity than the person his/herself.

  • Alice

    @meego: Yep…this is how we’re gonna build an inclusive society. By labeling gay/lesbian everyone who shows an interest in LGBT issues.

  • Alice

    @jason: Really? In a society that accepts male bissexuality, men will just turn bi all of a sudden?
    Cause, unless you’re proposing straight men seek other men for love and sex out of their loyalty to ”male liberation”, how’s a greater acceptance of male bissexuality going to ”leave women out in the cold”? (cause we’re all so, so cold and lonely without you strong, big men in our lives)

    Stop projecting your own desires and feelings unto the entire human race. If YOU think men are the epitome of good sex, then good for you…be happy with the man or men of your choice. Just don’t expect every other straight and bi man in the world to neglect sexual and emotional conections with women just because YOU don’t wanna stick your d*ck in a ”phisically weaker” being.

  • MM

    Ricky Martin was never sexually attracted to women, he made that clear.

    But … His celebrity beards, like Rebecca de Alba or Gabriela Sabatini, are still in the closet and Ricky is in no position to tell the whole truth – that relationships with them were fake.

  • Mickey Rartin

    What Oprah reads on page 74 about his feelings toward that woman cannot possibly make him gay. He liked p—y. Period.

  • Ickey Carton

    He is a very nice man. A good man and beautiful too. People were just way to in his face about his personal life It’s not right for people to be that nosey about another person’s personal life. Who cares? Just leave them alone. Nobody owes another person any answers. This is a very very good man, but he is confused. I don’t care what anyone says. He’s confused. Chaz Bono is very very very confused. In fact, Chaz should be in a mental institution.

  • allie

    i don’t agree, i’m a bisexual woman and it is 50/50 for me, sorry!

  • allie

    agreed, i’m bi and its 50/50 for me which is why i ID as bi, i’m a true bi, he isn’t because his is probably 80/20 if not 90/10 the majority going to men, not women. since it over powers he is gay, not bi.

  • allie

    i don’t feel that everybody is originally bisexual, and i’m a bisexual. but to say that i’m not and that people are either gay or straight is just as stupid. you don’t know what people feel or are actually attracted to. there is a scale, there truly is, living proof of that because its not a black and white issue, sorry its not! i am visable, i am here and i am bisexual and i know others that are too. they did not choose to be bi, just like you probably did not choose to be gay or somebody else choose to be straight.

  • bell


  • bell

    i’m a 26 vegan marchborn homosexual since 23,can’t imagined gay would like to li*k p*ssy,i don’t even want to watch it, come on it’s horrible. we love women, but not that way, i like judi foster, but hell li*ck That Spot? holy s**t. ricky wasn’t gay i think , not every gay are all girly, but R.M. just too not like gay. why he said hes homosexual? did he like p*ssy? watch it and enjoyed l*ck? and did he love girls bre*st? a homosexual don’t feel intresting with those two things , so if you like it then you are straight, if you like mens co*k hole balls too then you are bi. sexually attracted with girls? maybe, young only, small one. skinny. cute smooth sexy butt.(if is men, i like a little bit hairy ass) better a short hair, and i don’t want to see her bre*st, p*ssy too, touch it? hell no. that just so gross for me. i love girls and women, i’ll destroy who not treasure them if i know who he is, cuz i don’t care my life and that guy have much already than me, and to bully badly someone somebody’s family who he think weak is really pissed me off, hes dead, in very hard way. sorry again, another bulls**t words, i couldn’t do this, i’m too good. i guess. and english you know, not my.. you got it… so ricky, you are fu**ing bi right? you loved p*ssy?

  • Bell

    I’m Sorry. For my infantilism.

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