The publishing industry is dying. Crashing. Simply by reading this blog post, you are single-handedly diminishing the circulation of Field & Stream magazine by 3%. But this week, our girls will attempt to save print media by launching their own dragazines.
It’s the type of episode that, as Dida Ritz explains, “separates the intellectual people from the not-so-intellectual people.” And gurl, we start with one of my favorite mini-challenges: It’s time to read some bitches because the library is open!
Sorry, I mean #TheLibraryIsOpen. #HowManyHashtagsCanOneShowHave #SoManyHashtags #HashtagDigitalMarketing
The girls don neon reading glasses and throw their best shade:
* Dida acts shy and awkward but does a passable job, “Jiggly Caliente, you should feel honored. The first contestant in RuPaul’s Drag Race history with child.”
* Jiggly just reuses a joke, “Chad, it’s called Forever 21, not Forever 41.”
* Phi Phi is a stammering disaster, and she manages to compliment Jiggly by “mistakenly” calling her Jujubee.
* Willam reads Chad Michaels for still being on MySpace. And yes, I went looking for her page. And no, I couldn’t find it. (Methinks she took it down because of this incident.) But her current site was built with flash and blasts music upon opening—just as bad as MySpace.
* Latrice Royale continues her staggering command of acronyms by calling Jiggly, “BMW: Body Made Wrong.”
* Chad Michaels threw decent shade, “Jiggly, I love you. Come to Mother Dust, I won’t hurt you. Here’s my dentist’s card—use it.”
* Sharon Needles wins for giving my favorite line, “Jiggly Caliente, you’re such a fat slut, after sex you smoke hams.” But it’s apparently a line from Latter Days. Sigh. Can I un-learn this information? I love the line so much.
For the main challenge, our girls become media moguls and create their own dragazines. It’s strikingly similar to a challenge from Season Two in which they had to concept their autobiographies. (Anyone recall Tyra Sanchez’s succinctly titled classic, The Woman in Me: A Guide to Letting Go of the Past, Accepting the Present and Looking Forward to a Better Future?).
Mini-challenge winner Latrice assigns the titles, and they range from Sugar Walls (interior design) and Tastes Like Chicken (food) to Kitty Cat (cat lovers). The girls have to think of article titles, plan their photo shoot and create a layout on poster board.
Sure, they would eventually hand over their sketches to a graphic designer, but I’m living for the day the producers put the queens in front of InDesign, and we watch as they curse the Adobe gods for not knowing the difference between the Selection Tool and the Direct Selection Tool. Ha! Creative Suite humor, anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
So they had this cute photographer (above). Every queen who came into the studio almost walked into the wall after being distracted by his attractiveness/shining sternum. And condragulations to Sharon for reading our minds when she met him, “Have you done porn? You should really consider it.”
You know what tastes like chicken? Everything.
Sharon channels her inner crazy cat lady by dolling up like Little Edie and trying to mount a scratching post. It almost works, but you hear a nervous producer yelling at her from off-camera, “Whoa, Sharon! I need you to climb down from that.”
It was like watching a parent spoil his child’s dangerous yet vivid imagination. Just let Sharon play! Even if she breaks a leg, her runway will still be better than most.
Willam starts with a half-decent concept for her interior décor magazine: stripped-down design. But she has the pit crew wear lampshade hats (which is more coverage than they usually have.)
Then, she gets naked and jumps around. I guess her publication would be sold in a black wrapper?
During the prep for the main stage, Jiggly gets defensive about not going for comedy for his Battle of the Bulge cover. Why? There’s more to him than just being goofy! He scored 1240 on his SATs! He’s smart!
He’s so smart he forgot the SAT changed their grading scale—1240 is now what you get for correctly filling in your name.
Phi Phi continues to bash Texas for being a place where gays can’t “hold hands, kiss, or look at each other without being called a faggot.” Is that the same Texas where the capital city just named March 8 “Leslie Cochran Day” in honor of its beloved, cross-dressing homeless citizen?
The topic switches to gay marriage, and Latrice takes the controversial stance that it shouldn’t be called marriage—it should be called something more fabulous. Please. I usually agree with her wisdom, but I don’t think “Fabulously Forever” or “Domestic Divas” is going to help us reach equality.
For the main stage, the girls present “glossy glamour looks” with Southland’s Regina King and country legend Pam Tillis as the guest judges.
Here’s the rundown:
* Sharon Needles gives us a taste of elegance that’s “black and white and fierce all over.”
* Dida Ritz wears another glittery outfit with hair that’s still not big enough. And then she awkwardly zigzags during her runway; “a strategic walk so a sniper can’t hit her.” Thank you Ru… 10 out of 10 for that one.
* Chad Michaels serves us danger—short hair and darker makeup!
* According to Santino, Latrice’s outfit looks like “a couch from Rent-a-Center.” That’s not fair. She gave us at least Crate and Barrel Outlet.
* Willam serves up sparkly, pink, and… five o’clock shadow. Please, stop the presses and get home girl some proper paint.
* Jiggly wears another prom dress (did she just buy the same thing in twelve colors?).
* Phi Phi gives us fierce… proportions? Thanks Santino, you’re full of insightful commentary tonight.
Phi Phi O’Hara
Phi Phi gets snaps for pulling off a professional looking travel magazine that highlights slutty words like “bathhouse,” “69” and “virginity.”
Perhaps it was low-hanging fruit, but the judges preferred it to Sharon’s equally puntastic cover about loving pussies.
Yes, you’re following correctly. Phi Phi won the main challenge. I’m sure that her home state is going to secede in protest.
While that shock is still registering, Ru releases Dida, Chad, and Latrice.
Oh, Willam. How the cocky have fallen. But the icing on this slice of humble pie? (I know. Sorry. I’m mixing food idioms for no apparent reason.) Regina King describes Willam as robotic for never changing her expression, and then they cut back and forth to a frozen-faced Willam three times.
Thanks mister/miss editor for being especially thorough tonight.
Jiggly, once again, is in the bottom two. The lip-synch song is Pam Tillis’ “My Vida Loca.” If you’re not familiar with the tune—well, you and Miss Caliente would have that in common. Her determination to “not let this skinny Botox bitch send my ass home” results in a performance that’s overly energetic yet uncomfortably static. Her arms sure moved…but not much else.
Oh, and they have to blur Willam again. While she’s prancing about and picking up imaginary coins, she flashes the judges about five and half times. Her forgetting to wear panties isn’t much of a shock; we’ve grown used to this nakedness. Now, it’s just expected. Call me when she wears a turtleneck and slacks.
Anyway, Willam’s lip-synch is solid, even earning a compliment from Sharon. Chanté, you stay. And that means Jiggly sashays away.
So Queerty, what did y’all think? How shady was it that Phi Phi steered Jiggly towards the serious route? Is Oprah jealous that she didn’t think of Chicken of the Month? Do you eat watermelon in public? Also, I call dibs on Are You Smarter Than a Jiggly Caliente?
Sound off below!
Next Week: The episode is titled Frenemies. And Phi Phi gets paired with Sharon. And there’s a lie detector challenge. And Pamela Anderson guest judges. And thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Jason Sweeten is starting a program to teach proper reading in school.