Black History Month. The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Black Entertainment Television. Black Panther. Spike Lee.
In a society that has historically valued white above all other human colors, we the black people need our own advocates and forums of recognition, whether they be in the form of individuals, organizations, award ceremonies, TV, or movies. As a black man, I get it. That doesn’t mean I have to always like it.
The “black” make-up movement I love least right now is one currently playing out from sea to shining sea (in Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Philadelphia, among other U.S. cities) and in London: Black Gay Pride. Again, as a black man, I get it. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Black Gay Pride is a positive celebration, but it’s also a sobering reminder that, in many ways, the LGBTQ community is no more accepting than the straight community. It’s a world where activists preach diversity and acceptance, but one in which white, masculine, and young are seen as superior to any of the alternatives.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Black Gay Pride serves as a reality check that I might never be just a gay man or just a black man. For now and for the foreseeable future, I’ll always be a “gay black man.” I’ll have to wear at least one “X” everywhere, whether I am in an exclusively black crowd or an exclusively gay one, signifying that I don’t completely belong to either.
The homophobia that runs rampant in black culture has been well-documented and dissected, on social media, in rap music, in stand-up comedy routines, and in numerous think pieces. But we rarely talk about the insidious racism in gay culture that can render anyone who doesn’t fit the white ideal unwanted and invisible. Yes, there’s white privilege in the LGBTQ community, too.
Writer Kevin Maxwell, who is black and gay, recently wrote about why he wouldn’t be attending this year’s Pride in London on July 6 in an op-ed for the UK’s Independent. His thoughts echoed the way I feel about all the Gay Prides I’ve skipped in cities where I’ve lived, from New York City to Buenos Aires to Sydney.
“Pride in London claims this year will be its ‘most diverse’ parade yet, though historically, Prides have excluded diverse voices from within the LGBT+ community — the very people the movement was created to uplift. This is one reason that UK Black Pride throws its own celebration the day after, specifically for people of colour.”
So in the end, if you’re black and gay like me and living in the right city, you might get your own special parade, but what does it do about the larger problem? Are Black Gay Prides bridging the chasm or widening it? Do they mean we should abandon traditional Gay Pride rather than try to fix it?
God knows a few significant repairs are needed. I’ve always side-eyed Gay Pride because it feels like someone else’s party. I view it with the same degree of suspicion and near-dread that I do the Fourth of July, a holiday that celebrates a manifesto of freedom from a time when my ancestors were slaves. Independence Day is more about white people than it is about me.
The hypocrisy of the gay community may not be as violent as America’s racist past, but it can be nonetheless haunting. For most of my life, I’ve felt like something of an interloper among what are supposed to be my own people. Gay life is dominated by white men and white voices, and even in the so-called safe spaces (bars, clubs, dating and hook-up apps), for too many, my greatest value is in the presumed size of my penis.
I never feel blacker than I do when I’m surrounded by gay men, in both virtual and actual reality. That’s not because I’m automatically more conscious of my race. It’s because others keep reminding me of it — whether it’s through an offhand “BBC” comment on Grindr, a question or compliment that revolves around black men and assumes conformity over individuality, or the N word hurled by a rejected suitor.
Perhaps the sexual element brings out our basest impulses. I’m on the receiving end of some flagrant display of gay racism and racial objectification on most days that end in Y, usually online but sometimes in real life, too. Straight people can be horribly racist, but I can’t remember the last time one was overtly racist to me, and unlike gay men, they rarely bring up my race to my face.
Black Gay Pride is a jolting newsflash: It gets better for some, but not for all. It underscores the division in our community, in all minority communities. We spend so much time criticizing straight white men for taking their privilege for granted while using it against us. Then we turn right around and create categories within our own community that put those who don’t fit the idealized standards (white, masculine, young, whatever) into boxes labeled “Other.”
The entire gay community needs to talk more about diversity and inclusion within its own ranks and not just outside of them. We all must pay closer attention to the specific hurdles that many gay people of color face, including poverty, racially motivated violence and police brutality, and racially and religiously coded homophobia.
I don’t groan over upper-case Black Gay Pride because I have anything against lower-case black gay pride. It hurts because having it means we still need it, and in 2019, Gay Pride, despite the rainbow flag that represents it, should be color blind.
I’ll support Black Gay Pride through clenched teeth as long as it’s necessary. But I’m waiting for the day we’ll no longer need it, when gay pride and black gay pride finally merge and become the same thing.
Donston
This is actually one of the only times where Helligar has written something that fuses race, identity and sexuality and it didn’t end up being very problematic. However, there’s still some plotholes and a lack of nuanced perspective. For example, if you feel categories are keeping us down and keeping us segregated then why do you hype up and place so much emphasis on identity? And why did you recently write an article that was a thinly veiled ode to your love of young white males? Jeremy wants the cake and eat it as well. He wants to constantly shame “white gays” and claim that they make him feel lesser than, but he also desperately wants their approval, attention, love and lust.
I don’t hate Jeremy. He’s really the only writer here who actually writes and gives some type of personal (sometimes refreshingly non-pc) perspective on things. While a lot of people live within contradictions. But writing about those contradictions and the personal, sociological and political ramifications of those contradictions would perhaps be more interesting than a lot of his output.
TheMarc
Well said!
Vince
Maybe you’d have less of a problem with it if you’d stop obsessively chasing after white twinks. Try dating men of color or even men closer to your own age. As men get older they’re less hung up stereotypes. Just a thought..
Donston
You like what you like. And I do understand where his frustrations come from. I often feel like a persistent outsider. I don’t fit in with a lot of “gays” because I’m not close to homosexual. However, I don’t fit in with a lot of the “bi pride” or even “queer pride” guys, because so much of that is about maintaining sociological and romantic/relationship connections to hetero-normalcy, about political separation from “gayness” and about approval/affirmation from women. I don’t always feel like I fit in with black people or white people. And I do sometimes feel a sell-out for marrying a white guy.
However, as a writer it’s important to not always present yourself as a victim of every sociological fraction and important to really be honest about your struggles, your contradictions and the nuances of everything. Jeremy does not do a good job with those things. His writing is often narrow and places him in a constant position of victim-hood. If he were entirely honest in his writings, didn’t have that obsession with being a victim and obsession with at once admonishing and worshiping white people then he’d have more interesting things to say and would be more sympathetic.
Wicked Dickie
Black gay pride events are needed, for example, in cities like Dallas which have NEVER had a black gay marshall EVER for their parades. Black gay pride events are needed because Castro gay bars have “black night” once a month (in 2019!!). Black gay pride events are needed because NYC only has ONE black owned gay bar. And it’s in Harlem. Not Chelsea, not The Village, not Soho, not Williamsburg. Black gay pride events are needed because there are pics of white gays guy holding up a sign that says “it’s ok to be white”, as if their whiteness was being threatened. But I don’t go to pride events, so what do I know.
S.anderson
It’s difficult to picture a gay parade that is conducted in such an absurdly “white” way that blacks can’t celebrate their gayness there. And that’s what a gay pride parade is intended to celebrate: LGBTQ pride and community. It’s not about race at all. It’s about all kinds of people who are LGBTQ. That shouldn’t be hard to understand. And what do black-only gay parades look like? The same as the non-black-only parades, just no white people allowed.
And I’d say a “shortage” of black-only gay bars is a good thing. It suggests that folks are better integrated, and the separatist movements there are in decline.
Kangol2
@s.Anderson, I’m not sure what prides you’ve attended, but I can assure you that the White LGBTQIA community has a long history of exclusionary attitudes and behavior, particularly in the years after the radicalism of the early post-Stonewall (1970-1973) era. It’s one reason why lesbians, particular White lesbians, pushed for separate spaces, organizations, etc., because they felt marginalized by once inclusive organizations like Gay Activists’ Alliance and the Gay Liberation Front. Black Gay/LGBTQ Prides arose to address this exclusion, and continue today. Some prides, like NYC’s, are much more inclusive, but not all are, so there’s a reason why they exist. Also, you clearly have no idea about how Black and other non-white patrons have been treated at predominantly White owned bars in a number of cities, so perhaps just go to a gay newspaper, look through their archives, and you’ll be able to catch up.
S.anderson
@Kangol2 This is where your argument collapses. You start out with the assertion that white LGBTQIA are confirmed and proven to be racist against black LGBTQIA. Never any examples or proof, just the assertion. It also collapses in light of the fact that LGBTQIA bars, organizations and pride events have always been open and welcome to people of all genders and races. Compare and contrast with the black-only bars, organizations and pride events. Blacks are the racists here. Anything white folk do is what black folk just won’t be doing then. The fact that you can wade in and navigate the situation without facing that starkly obvious evidence just shows that you know it’s there and are experienced at ducking around it.
You don’t seem to know a damn thing about Lesbians. They are largely separatists because they don’t want men and male thinking in their lives. Many of them are victims of rape and raised under male dominance which denies them the right to be themselves. And god bless them, but it’s pretty much the same reason separatist blacks exist. Blacks don’t want whitey in their culture. It’s not pure otherwise.
Having worked at, oh, 3 gay bars including a really large one in a major city, I do know how black patrons are treated. Not as tourists, but as welcome equals. It’s recognized that there are fewer of them around and that there is a schism created by black leaders, so they are valued as emissaries and encouraged to bring their friends and make the scene more representative.
I admire your chutzpah Kangol2, but sometimes you’re gonna butt heads with someone like me who has actually been there longer than you and testifies the truth instead of whatever agenda you’re on about. Go tell your illogical stories to young, ignorant people elsewhere.
Larry
This is so profound. Will we ever just all be people who are celebrated because each is different? Nope. Why so much hate in the comments? It’s HIS view. We all don’t have to be the same and more importantly, we don’t have to satisfy YOU!
Donston
When you’re a professional writer and you talk about socio-political issues, people are going to share their opinions on your perspective. If you can’t handle that then this is not the right business for you. Yes, many of the comments on the internet are often hateful or dismissive. But if you want to talk about real shit and engage in honest conversation then expect not everything to be nice or in unison. I completely embrace everyone being their own person. It’s Jeremy that often does not accept that. Also, folks recognize some hypocrisies and victim instincts in Jeremy’s writings. They have a right to call that stuff out. And a lot of black people have taken issue with his articles (including myself). So, it’s not all the “white gays” are against him.
Black Pegasus
Poor Jeremy…. so obsessed with whiteness.
S.anderson
The article can be summed up as “We don’t do that because white people find it empowering, and we’re black.” I’m so tired of this. I’d bet a million dollars that if exclusively black groups “rose up and demanded” to be included in the non-black-only parade, and to be treated respectfully at non-black-only gay bars, that non-blacks would cave instantly. This is a cultivated crisis – fire your leaders.
edsearl
I have never heard of but I’m in and ready to attend.
Happy Black Gay Pride gentlemen.
Kangol2
They’ve been around for a while, and are a lot of fun. At one point NYC had competing ones, but two of the major ones are in DC and Atlanta.
jonasalden
My problem is not fitting in enough with the dominant Pride culture. I want to an event last night, and I couldn’t have felt more out of place or more unwelcome. I don’t do drag or watch Drag Race. I don’t dance or like the same music as most people there. And there was a girl dancing wildly, repeatedly bumping into me or hitting with her hands as she swung them. At one point I gave her a look, and the people around her acted as if I was the transgressor (I think she thought I was a straight spectator). As a homosexual man, I’m not “gay” enough. I imagine if I were a woman, I wouldn’t be butch enough. This doesn’t sadden me as much as it shows the need for more diversity WITHIN the gay “community”. Race is just one of these issues. I’m also Black, and the penis expectation isn’t as much of a problem as not fitting the Billy Porter image. Now, I’m preparing myself for the attacks and accusations of straight culture modeling. Ok, go!
Donston
Honestly, most of what’s considered “gay culture” is silly, shallow messiness. It can be fun to indulge here and there. But it’s hardly something most want to bank their life on or indulge on a regular basis. It is true that more conventionally masculine homosexual and overall romantically/sexually homo-leaning males are not as welcomed to the party unless they are fully willing to put up with and support all the posturing. And it is true that being a more “naturally masculine” guy (as opposed to macho cartoons) does lead to some folks not viewing you as a “real gay” because you don’t have to contend with as much regular homophobia or as much regular taunting. However, effemiphobia is a still real issue, and more “masculine” men definitely have certain privileges and advantages. Also, more masculine guys benefit from masculine worship, can more convincingly pull off straight/hetero-leaning worship, are less pressured to come out, and if they’re good-looking they have an array of individuals who want to date them.
Having to rebuff certain stereotypes and having to live up to certain expectations in order to be accepted by the “culture” can be exhausting. It’s partly why so many guys stay closeted, why so many don’t identify as “gay” or aren’t comfortable with any connection to “gay”, or why so many build certain resentments that lead to internalized homophobia. It is a problem that needs to be confronted. But there are so many problems. And you really shouldn’t be too concerned with or based your sense of self on what parties you fit into or what sociological/political factions embrace you.
EliottlovesLucas
Much of this is socio-economic. Race plays a part but I think it’s over played. Gay men for the most part are a rather unique subspecies of male. We tend to be highly educated, much more so than the general population and somewhat affluent depending on where we live. Educated people tend to be more comfortable interacting socially with other educated people. A white bank president will find chatting up a black lawyer less uncomfortable than a black lawyer chatting up a white coal miner or unemployed black ex convict.
Donston
Uh, no. This post ain’t reality. Also, all I tend to see are broke faags. The “rich gays” thing does not come anywhere close to representing the majority.
Gay Veteran
Even if there was no need for Black Gay Pride or Black anything, I’d still want it because I love my people.
Ronbo
I’m just posting to see if “Donston” will pipe up and tell me what to think.
dustashed
I wonder what other gay people from more homogeneous societies think of this issue; my experience as a “POC” is that– i don’t really feel it? the isolation the–“othering” within the community. But maybe that is because i did not grow up here and my experience is different. For me I just go into a space and make myself feel welcome. It’s fun watching lgbt pride celebrations and its entertaining watching western gays in their natural habitat, kinda like bird watching.
S.anderson
I chalk that ‘othering’ up to black LGBTQ leadership. They’ve created a subculture where standing together against the dread white LGBTQ is part of the identity. Black LGBTQ separatism does not lead to integration. Duh. It’s not intended to. It leads to non-black bars being bereft of blacks, and then black LGBTQ leader point at the obvious racism yadda yadda. Trans people are following the same playbook in their subversive war on ‘CIS’ people.
swamp bubble
Idk coming from a white young masculine gay man, it seems to me Asian dudes have it way worse. I mean black dudes are more popular with white twinks, and this is me trying to speak from a distance, removing my own preferences that’s what I have gathered. I feel like it about your experience, and who your around, online dating is just a reinforcement of what you think you like, whereas in-person interactions you can actually explore and discover new things you like.