Makes No Spidey Sense

Sony Hack Reveals Spider-Man Isn’t Allowed To Be Gay

1304191910871537187We’ve unearthed a pertinent clue as to why the latest spate of Spider-Man films have been such a slog: According to a leaked agreement between Sony and Marvel, there are a great number of things Spider-Man can’t do or be: He’s “not a homosexual;” he “does not abuse alcohol;” he “does not use foul language;” he “does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16.” (In regards to that last one — Duh?)

No mention whether he can/can’t eat yummy flies on the weekend.

However, there are also several character traits he absolutely must possess: he is unswervingly “Caucasian;” he “gains powers from being bitten by a spider;” and, though “heterosexual,” he still has the innate know-how to “design his first red and blue costume.”

For a fellow who’s able to shoot thin ropes of spiderweb out of his wrists to traverse New York skyscrapers and catch enemies in a viscous mess of goo, the poor guy is kept on an astonishingly tight leash.

Andrew Garfield, who’s been longing to portray Spider-Man as gay, is no doubt devastated by this news.
h/t: Gawker