They’re coming for our wet wipes!
England’s environment minister told BBC News Tuesday the government is considering a ban on plastic wet wipes to tackle water pollution. According to the article, wet wipes account for 93% of sewer blockages in England, and around 90% of them contain plastic. Yikes!
“It is part of a wider plan to improve water quality in England, where no river or waterway is considered clean,” the article says.
That sounds pretty bad, but has the government considered the alternative? If the ban goes through, England’s waterways may be cleaner, but the bums of British men will not.
That would be–pardon the pun–a true bummer.
In all seriousness, there are legitimate reasons to stop using wet wipes, even here in the States. In addition to being a huge pollutant, they’re actually not very good for you. An anal surgeon laid out the case last year in the publication Well and Good.
“People tend to use wet wipes and then pull up their pants, so what happens is that the moisture sits there,” said Dr. Evan Goldstein. “The moisture just festers, and it causes a change in bacteria and leads to irritation.”
What’s the end result? Due to the buildup of bacteria, people can feel as if they’re suffering from fissures or hemorrhoids, which is very painful–and also not conducive to anal cleanliness.
But…wet wipes just feel too good! Let’s break it down like this: if you were covered in dirt, would you scrub yourself with a dry paper towel? Of course not! That would be ridiculous, never mind futile.
The same logic should apply to poo, right?
Of course, anal tissue is much more delicate than, say, the skin on your arms and legs. The doctor makes sense.
But he’s also apparently never had a bottoming emergency…
It’s important to note that England hasn’t actually passed a ban on plastic wet wipes. The proposal will undergo a consultation, which has happened three times since 2021. Sky News skewered the idea, calling it a “recycled policy.”
When it comes to waterway pollution there are bigger culprits than wet wipes, such as industrial waste. Sky News says rivers in England have been used as “open sewers for decades.”
With that in mind, it seems like wet wipes are being scapegoated. But gays are always persistent.
In the aforementioned Well and Being article, Dr. Goldstein advocates for bidets as the best cleaning method for underneath. Now, that’s something we can get behind!
Maybe some influential London gays can lobby for a wet wipes ban to coincide with a nationwide bidet buildup. It would be the Real New Deal of anal health.
We would happily lobby for it here.
nm4047
bambo wipes are equally effective & not full of plastic. Assuming there is an actual benefit to using them.
Kangol2
Needed to happen a while ago. Toilet tissue works just fine; these things create far more environmental problems than they’re worth.
correctio
“toilet tissue works just fine” WHAT???
PubisHairus
You must be into s-c-a-t if you think toilet tissue works just fine.
abfab
Kangol……….tell them about the time when Jesus would use old donkey hoofs! Fig leaves…if he could find them!
@pubisanus……………bringing up scat and questioning the myriad of paper products that you find inferior….priceless and way TMI…………..
correctio…..you are still full of shit——-they don’t make paper good enough for you……
KiraNerysRules
Just buy a bidet attachment. They’re cheap, work well and feel amazing. If you’re a top, you should buy one for your bottom’s (or bottoms’) convenience.
dali
I love wet wipes. They feel like cherubim lightly kissing your ahole.
correctio
amen!
abfab
And there it is.
sfhairy
No, gay men aren’t freaking out about this ban. What nonsense.
abfab
Gay men should stop freaking out.
bachy
Like tampons, you’re not supposed to flush them down the toilet.
Prax07
Someone tell me why I should give a flying fuk about the environment. I’m never having kids, I don’t give a shit about your kids, and I don’t care if the planet implodes or gets swallowed in a wave of trash tomorrow or fifty years from now.
As a gay man why should I be giving a care to pollution or anything else affecting this planet?
abfab
You’re playing the part of the average republican. How entertaining you are! Encore!
bachy
It’s called “altruism.” One of the most historically esteemed human values. Look it up.
abfab
High Five bachy!
Yooper
You have to be one of these Russian bots or whatever, just making comments to be antagonistic.
Yooper
Again, you playing the antagonist.
Openminded
For the same reasons many queers stood up at places like Stonewall. We have it better today because of what someone did decades ago. If everyone in past history was as selfish as you, no one would likely even be here today.
Dijonaise
Have you no Nieces or Nephews? No friends with kids? You really don’t care what kind of world you leave behind? I hope not, because that would make YOU the toxic waste. A waste of skin as it were.
scotty
not everyone has a family or wants one.
Prax07
I have no siblings, not one friend with kids, but several cousins and their families that live nearby that I’ve never even met, and honestly don’t care what happens to them. They could all drop dead tomorrow and I’d never know about it.
So no, I Really don’t care what happens to the world after I go. I don’t see why I should.
Openminded
Prax, I wish the developers of PreP and HIV meds could ban you from ever accessing their discoveries. Maybe then you would see how we all should be paying it forward as much as we can.
Fahd
First, I’m surprised that the use of wetwipes is a sexual orientation thing, but maybe UK is different. The wetwipes I purchase state “safe to flush” and “plumber approved” on the packaging. Why would they lie? I have a hunch that disposable diapers – filling landfills- are a much bigger environmental problem. Why not go after the users of disposable diapers? Why is it always up to gay men to save the world?
abfab
You’re Gay?
Openminded
Fahd, even the “flushable” wipes are a problem for many sewer systems. Unlike super thin tissue, they hold together much longer and tend to accumulate anywhere a slight restriction is found in plumbing. Few people realize you are supposed to flush no more than 2- “flushable” wipes at a time to help prevent this problem. Good news is, like many “new” products, this issue is being worked on by removing the plastics and tweaking the products to be sturdy enough for satisfactory use yet flimsy enough to break down as quickly as possible. This will likely be all forgotten in a couple of years.
Cozmo2
Thank you Prax07, I don’t have kids I don’t want kids. why should I/we care about the environment? some people want to criminalize being gay, they want to kill us and they have. Why should we help to save the planet?
Brian
What a random comparison. You might as well say, “Some people are malnourished, so why should I care about the economy? There are several ongoing wars, so why should I care about malnutrition and hunger? Some wars include genocide, so why should I care about the other wars?” It’s nonsense. You have zero critical thinking skills. How do grown adults become so dumb?
StuMi
I don’t have kids, nor do I want them. I also work in conservation. The plant and animal species that have evolved over millions of years deserve a fighting chance at survival, despite the anthropocentric worldview of selfish people seeking momentary convenience.
Do you really need to wipe your butt with a plastic-based wet wipe and flush it down the toilet and into the waste water stream? Just take a f*cking shower and clean yourself with soap and water.
Yooper
The only people who flush wet wipes down the toilet are people who rely on municipal sewer systems, and don’t deal with the results of their actions. Anyone with a septic system can tell you why, regardless of if a label proclaims “flushable”, wet wipes wreak havoc on a septic system.
JJinAus
I’m 61, never used one. SHOWER, you dirty bastards.
LegionKeign
For christ’s sake it’s 2023…get a god-damn portable bidet. I’ve been using one for years and it’s magic, honey, magic! Don’t bother with the fancy one’s that attach to your toilet or replace your toilet seat.
There are these little bidets that have a nozzle and a squeezable bottle attached that you fill with water and when needed you just blast that hole clean!
Then a gentle pat with some tp and you’re all dry and clean.
They are wonderful, just wonderful.
And so soothing after spicy meals or massive tricks! I LOVE MINE!
JessPH
It’s 2023. Why is bidet still not a thing in Europe and North America?
Bromancer7
Because straight white men won’t tolerate anything that makes their booty hole feel good.
ZzBomb
FFS just get a bidet attachment and be done with it.
Bromancer7
For all you guys saying “just get a bidet attachment”, 1.) not everyone lives in a home where they’re permitted to modify their toilet/plumbing, and 2.) doesn’t help you one bit while you’re away from home.
BEPVA
A Bidet/washlet isn’t a modification – it’s an attachment.
It’s like plugging in a lamp – It can be unplugged.