What is the difference between “good sex” and “great sex”?

A recent study has looked at what constitutes “great sex”. In particular, it wanted participants to explain what turns a sexual encounter from “good” to “great”.

It turns out that what makes sex great definitely differs from individual to individual. However, three common themes emerged. These were: orgasms; an emotional aspect, and the hard-to-define “chemistry” between individuals.

The study, entitled ‘Caring, Chemistry, and Orgasms: Components of Great Sexual Experiences’ was published in Sexuality and Culture. The authors say there are relatively scant studies about what maximizes pleasure during sex, or what gives sexual encounters a turbo boost for those involved. However, knowing such things is of importance to sex therapists and counselors.

They interviewed 78 individuals about their sex lives and specifically asked them to quantify the difference between “good” sex and “great” sex. Around two-thirds were women and a third were men. Around a third identified as “non-heterosexual”.

Here’s a closer look at the three most common responses.

1. Orgasms

Forty-nine of those interviewed said orgasm was essential for sex to be regarded as “great”. Some said their own orgasm was essential, while others said it was equally, or more important, that their partner achieved orgasm.

Some women said that if their partners didn’t make them cum, it couldn’t be regarded as “great” sex. Men typically said they felt they failed if they didn’t manage to make a female partner achieve orgasm. They indicated their ego was dented.

One bicurious male respondent said, “I do not require an orgasm if I’m able to completely satisfy my partner. I find it incredibly stimulating to watch and feel my partner orgasm.”

However, it wasn’t the same for everyone. Twenty participants said orgasm was not essential for great sex provided there was a strong emotional satisfaction with the encounter.

2. Emotional aspect

Fifty-two of those questioned said great sex required some emotional component between those participating. This could range from “love” or “passion” to simply liking or feeling comfortable with them. Many people, especially some of the women interviewed, talked about wanting to feel trust in their partner. They wanted to feel able to exert control over what was happening.

One man said, “[Great sex includes] both physical pleasure and the mental message that I do love and care about their pleasure when it comes to sex!!!”

Again, this did not apply to all. Sixteen people said a strong emotional component was not required for great sex.

One 27-year-old gay guy said, “Sex can be great either way, emotionally involved or just physical. They both have different elements that just make you feel good. Knowing someone has a physical attraction to you only and wishes to use you can be arousing [in] itself, and knowing someone loves you and is willing to go out of his way to make you feel good is also fulfilling. I don’t think it can be easily categorized.”

A bisexual woman echoed this, saying, “Yes, I can have great sex with someone that I don’t like, it’s not very intimate (if that makes sense) it just feels great.”

3. Chemistry/connection

Thirsty-sex participants listed “chemistry” as an essential part of great sex. Of course, what constitutes “chemistry” between two or more individuals is hard to say. One previous study attempted to define it as a “nonspecific, subjective description of a mysterious, physical, emotional and sexual state that feels driven and mostly pleasurable existing in the context of an interpersonal relationship”.

The interviewees did agree on one thing: Chemistry can’t be manufactured and is out of one’s control. It can be present from the start, while for others, it can build up over time. But there’s no faking it.

One 26-year-old straight man compared it to a lock and key.

“You need a natural connection, like you have to fit together. Overall, it’s like a situational thing, as well as a natural thing. Some people are just more inclined to have great sex with each other because of whatever their personalities are or what their physical makeup is. I kind of like to describe it as a lock and key thing. No matter the effort you put into it with some people, they just fit better together.”

One bisexual woman said, “Components [of great sex] include mutual intensity, or an almost primal need to share each other’s bodies. That chemistry or passion, whatever you wanna call it, where you let go of composure and sensibility.”

The concept of “letting go” and not feeling inhibited with someone was something else that seems to constitute good “chemistry”.

In summing up, the authors said that popular media, and pornography, often depict unrealistic or unattainable sexual encounters. They wanted to talk to real people about what makes sex “great”.

“This study contributes to the scant existing literature on people’s perceptions of what makes sex great and the sociology of pleasure.”

Given that the study only spoke to a handful of queer men, what do YOU think makes the difference between “good” and “great” sex? Tell us below.

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