Dear Jake,
I’m 32, and I’ve been single all my life. When Grindr first came on the scene and was an actual dating app, I downloaded it, and kept it even as it devolved into a hookup app, in the hopes that I might meet a nice guy. Eventually, I deleted it on my 30th birthday. My question is this: where/how do I meet a guy that wants a monogamous relationship?
Admittedly, I’m not notably attractive enough to stand out in a crowd and catch someone’s eye, but there’s nothing strikingly off-putting about how I look. I’m okay with that because I feel like I’m an intelligent guy with a good sense of humor. I’m educated, I play piano, I speak multiple languages, I go to the theatre, I go to a weekly tango dance night (when we’re not in lockdown), and I pride myself on being an old-fashioned gentleman.
I feel like I’ve got so much to give, and for the right guy, I’d give so much more than I’d even want in return. But in a world of instantly-gratifying, topless-torso-profile-pic hookups, guilt-free cheating and open relationships, where does a hopeless romantic like me find love? Please advise, how can I improve my chances of finding Mr. Right?
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From,
A Lonely Guy
Dear A Lonely Guy,
Wow, what a great catch for the right guy out there! There are a lot of interesting and wonderful things that would make you a great partner. (A tango dancer?! *cues up the El Tango de Roxanne scene from Moulin Rouge). I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing loneliness in your search for “the one” who will appreciate all you have to offer. As you’ve made clear, the difficulty is finding that other person who also sees and values the same things you do, and wants the same kind of relationship.
Believe it or not, there are quite a few other “hopeless romantics” out there, and not everyone is looking for a quick hookup, a threesome, or an open relationship. Although there is more fluidity in terms of how LGBTQ can relationships look in regards to monogamy, roles, and relationship dynamics (one study estimates that 30% of gay men are in an open relationship), there are also a large percentage of LGBTQ people who are looking for that one special partner to settle down with. They find comfort in sharing their mind, body, and soul with one other person, without having to navigate the sometimes-muddy waters of non-monogamy.
Now, about that search for Mr. Right… This may sound counter-intuitive, but my first suggestion is that while you can want things and have goals like a monogamous relationship, you should also practice being in total acceptance of being single. There are a lot of great perks to single life, such as not being accountable to someone and the freedom to do what you want when you want, so enjoy it now until that special someone comes along. By doing this, you’ll also then be projecting a confidence out into the world, and to the people you meet, that will actually help you draw in Mr. Right when the time is right. The universe can smell desperation, and, unfortunately, usually doesn’t reward it, because the first lesson of self-worth is to be OK just as you are. Therapy can help with that as well!
That doesn’t mean stop looking, however. You can still be fine being single and enjoy it, while also doing the necessary footwork to find the right partner for you. For example, I know that Grindr tends to be more sex and non-monogamy focused, but I happen to have two close friends who have been married several years that met on Grindr, so I wouldn’t close the door on anything. As long as you both are upfront about what you are looking for, why not take advantage of a large pool of people who use the app?
Next, there are a lot of other dating apps that are less sex focused, which you may want to experiment with–Chappy.com, CompatiblePartners.com, Match.com, and OKCupid.com, just to name a few. If you put it out there from the get go what you are looking for, you won’t waste as much time with those who are looking for something else.
Lastly, although it’s much harder during an unprecedented global pandemic, my best advice for you is to simply put yourself out there in the world, in whatever situations you feel comfortable. That can be anything from formal groups (gay sports leagues or gay book clubs, for example), to going into the office when you can, instead of working from home, to accepting a friend’s invitation to a party where you know there will be people you’ve never met. By simply interacting with people, you’re upping your chances exponentially at organically making a connection with someone.
In a gay world that sometimes feels, ahem, less than romantic, know that there are plenty of starry-eyed lovers out there who want to find something platonic, consistent, and stable, even if they aren’t as visible as first. It’s up to you to sift through the possibilities, and remember that you’re fine exactly as you are. Stay true to what you want, and try to have fun looking!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
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MISTERJETT
at my house!!!!
LarryHolliday
Jake’s response is spot on!!! Coming to grips with who you are is essential to giving off the “vibes” that will make you more attractive to other similarly minded and available men. I am in a monogamous relationship of 44 years with a wonderful man. Neither of us is the other’s “ideal.” So much for outward attractiveness. It’s the intangible soul of your partner and how you jibe in life goals and outlook that matters. We happened to meet accidently through a mutual friend and immediately clicked. I wish you the best in your quest and assure you that you can find your mate!
Larry
avesraggiana
It’s clichéd because it’s true. I speak from experience. STOP LOOKING! Live your life, find out the things you love to do, and most importantly start enjoying your own company. Nothing draws people in more than someone who is self-possessed and completely comfortable in their own skin, someone who is already happy. Nothing is more repellant than someone who gives off a vibe that they are needy, that their life is incomplete unless they have a partner. People can people pick up on this without your ever saying a word, and if they themselves are already emotionally well-adjusted, they will run.
stanhope
Count the blessings you already have. I was always thought sexy and ‘hot’ more so than pretty. With that, I attracted my fair share of the pretty and hot ones. You know what…….pretty and hot don’t last! If there is no depth, no common interests, it will fade. Not always but often, the hot and pretty have little else to offer. Further, those exceptionally hot guys have often traded on their looks all of their lives. One thing I know for sure….beauty fades and if you have nothing else, you really don’t have much at all. I’ll leave you with this…..I once had a boyfriend who was a traffic stopper. What I called broomstraw blonde hair, tanned dark like Latin in the sun, powder blue eyes and a body that could launch a thousand ships. He couldn’t go to a gay bar. When we would, people wound send over endless drinks to him, guys would literally come physically between us to talk to him. I found it kind of amusing since I knew the inner workings of this fellow. He found it irritating and more than once we wound up leaving because it was so annoying. I’d take the sweet guy in the corner who is true blue over the Brad Pitt wannabe any day of the week. Be patient, be true to yourself, develop your own interests…..he’ll come along when he is supposed to.
loren_1955
I would say be careful of falling into the religionist model of heternormative monogamy relationships. Love comes in many forms, relationships can be very fluid. On the other hand, monogamy is just one of many ways of expressing that love as both parties gift each other with a monogamous relationship. There are so many of us that have that single hope and dream to wake up each morning that that amazing man that loves me so much to be in my bed and that in turn I love and want to be with him with all my heart. Keep looking, keep putting yourself out there while loving yourself the way you are.
barryaksarben
I grew up very poor and tortured for being gay in a horrible small town in Iowa so I was so focused on getting a career going that would support me and working on myself to gain self esteem that I never approached ANYONE ever. I was no hermit and was approached many times when young – always for sex and I was no saint but as I got older I was approached differently and have had 2 husbands both of whom have since died. I am happy now being single knowing I had both of these wonderful men in my life. However, I enjoyed the roll in the hay too. I say be open to others but to keep your boundaries but as I write this I would also say explore why you have them st where you do and is there perhaps a reason to reexamine them from time to time. I have a very good friend who waited for prince charming his whole life and has never had a realtionship of any length. Remember there is NO perfect prince charming. I look at my husbands with clear eyes and remember their flaws as well as my own but that is love in the real
winemaker
it’s never ceased to amaze me how as gay men many times we settle for less than we want just to be partnered. We turn down potential long term relationships with great guys for foolish reasons I won’t go into here but most of us know what they are. We sometimes stay with someone we know isn’t the right one because the thought of being alone sucks. . We go from one hookup to another searching for that one man we can connect with hoping this brief encounter will lead to something more than a ‘booty call’. That being said, when we approach our 30’s we need to have sown our wild oats, know what we’re looking for and stop playing mind games and acting like teenagers going on dates. Not knowing what we are looking for and ‘winging it’s a waste of time and emotion. In the past when we met someone it very often was sex first, then maybe getting to know each other and since human nature changes little in this aspect, it’s the same today as was years ago. The reality is, hook up apps are a waste of time and emotion when the idea and premise’s a ‘hookup’ but you want something stronger.
major8man
We are out there! I’ll date you for sure !
DarkZephyr
You definitely have to make sure you are happy with just yourself, I agree. Plus when you come off as desperate or “needy” it is certainly going to make other guys keep looking. In the past even when I’ve been really interested in a guy I have gone to great lengths to play it off like I wasn’t and that always got me much further than showing my interest too early. I have also been on the other end of it where a guy has shown interest a bit too early for my tastes and it really is a turn off because you are looking for someone sane and grounded and not someone expressing their undying love and readiness to move in with you after a couple of conversations. There is no way that person is mentally grounded enough to be entering into a serious, long term relationship. And if they are mentally ungrounded in that area, where else are they mentally ungrounded?
1898
“When Grindr first came on the scene and was an actual dating app, I downloaded it, and kept it even as it devolved into a hookup app…”
yeahhhh that’s not true. grindr was always a hookup app. it was never a dating app. i, too, remember when it first came out. it was very clearly a hookup app right from the start
1898
when Grindr was launched in March 2009, this is what Queerty wrote about it:
It was inevitable that a programmer would be hired to take the technological brilliance of the iPhone and merge it with a gay’s favorite pastime: hooking up.
Behold Grindr, a new iPhone app that uses GPS to find guys in your area looking for the same thing you are: No-strings screwing.
JustMuscles1
Don’t shy away from a small smile and twinkle in an eye of an admirer. That one glance can change the trajectory of your life. Hopefully, in the most positive way!
I also have to add that relationships change along the way. Monogamy, experimentation in threesomes, to open—then closed monogamous again.
You need to be communicative and open-minded, whether it’s a gay, straight, or whatever kind of relationship!
Hang in there; you’ve got this!
Iona Lexiss
Don’t overthink it. Just be the best you (yes, I know that may sound ridiculous). The point (reiterated from above) is being your CONFIDENT & HAPPY self is appealing and motivating to others, especially when coupled with a smile. Like everything in life, you will go through many failures until you hit a home run but those are all growth experiences.