You may not think what you wear to a Grindr or Scruff hookup matters all that much. After all, it’s not like you’ll be spending much time in your clothes. But, honestly, it does. It’s important to make a good first impression, even if you never plan on seeing the guy again. You don’t want to disappoint your lover by showing up to his apartment looking like a homeless person. Not to mention, wearing the wrong thing to a rendezvous can result in said rendezvous not happening. A man could take one look at your threads, get turned off, and dismiss you back into the night without so much as a “maybe another time.”
Here are eight no-no’s when it comes to what to wear to your next hookup.
Toe shoes
We get it. Toe shoes allow you to “feel the ground beneath your feet” and leverage your body’s natural biomechanics and blah, blah, blah. But they also make you look like you stretched a giant mesh glove over your foot. It’s really not cute. And it certainly doesn’t arouse feelings of sexual desire.
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Pajama pants
We know it’s late and you were probably hanging out on your sofa in your PJs before you decided to come over and join us for a romp in the bedroom, but could you at least change into some proper pants first? Yes, we know you’ll be taking them off soon, but in the mean time, your old, ratty pajama bottoms with the elastic waistband are kinda, well, killing the mood.
Worn out underwear
If your skivvies are faded, hole-y, or stained, don’t wear them to a hookup. We repeat: Do not wear them to a hookup! (Unless, of course, you want your lover to think you’re a slob.) Go to your underwear drawer and fish out a newer pair. If you don’t have any presentable underpants, invest in some. Seriously. There’s nothing less appealing than unzipping a guy’s fly and being confronted with a pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs circa 1998.
Jorts
When it comes to jorts, Urban Dictionary says it best: “Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like.” They are, hands down, the most unsexy piece of fashion ever to hit department store shelves and should not be worn in general, but especially not to a hookup.
Zipoffs
Unless you’re out fishing or hiking or camping, zipoffs are not an appropriate form of trouser. And if you are out fishing or hiking or camping, why are you looking for guys to hookup with on phone apps?
Ed Hardy
Because it’s not 2006 anymore.
Multiple undershirts
If you’re one of those fellas who wears a shirt, with an undershirt, with a tank top under your undershirt, take note: All that extra fabric really isn’t necessary. Especially when you’re just going to be removing it as soon as you step into our bedroom chamber.
Socks with sandals
The ultimate fashion faux pas. It pains us to have to include this one on our list, since we’d hope that by now nobody would still be committing this cardinal sin, but the fact of the matter is men who think it’s okay to wear socks with sandals still remain in this world. To be clear: It’s not okay. It never was okay. And it never will be okay. Wearing socks with sandals is a surefire way to turn off your potential paramour. And you can bet that, even if he does follow through with the hookup, the first thing he’s going to tell his friends afterwards is: “OMFG. He showed up to my place wearing socks with sandals.”
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Marc
“Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like.”
HILARIOUS!!! Best line, I’ve started my day with a good laugh, thanks!
AJAnders
I didn’t even know toe shoes existed.
Kangol
JORTS! Hilarious.
Thanks for this, Queerty!
Beachhouse
Nobody should wear those period.
RIGay
Though I do own JORTS, being well over 6′ tall, they do look normal on me (mid-thigh). It’s when I see the weeble-esque men in JORTS at the Walmart that my douche bag alert goes off.
Here in the Northeast, we also see a lot of guys who wear shower flip flops with socks. BIG NO.
iggy6666
People who do random hookups have standards?!?!
Bromancer7
There is absolutely nothing wrong with jean shorts.
Ms Urethra Johnson
I was gonna says:Your pets/Leg warmers/Leotards combos/Neon coloured anything/oversized pedophile glasses/make-up/hair spray/pocket protector/dreadlocks/cornrolls-rows/Emo hair extensions/flip-flops/dirty nails/yellow-green toe-nails/your half-empty Big Gulp/ food residue in your hiptser beard/crucifix necklace/your rabbie outfit/your Pherrell Williams hat/your ugly tattoos of your dead mother-baby sister/the cum-stained-drippings t-shirt from your previous glory-hole hook-up/baind-aid over your injection site/your hospital bracelet/toe-tag/your kindergarten teacher nametag/your Hello Kitty anything…oops fell off the chair…and your Madonna/LadyGaga/Taylor/Rihanna/Britney albums and remixed cd’s….If you even try to stick your spent gum under my railing/mailbox I swear, I’m not answering that door…Unless you’re Nick Jonas and got lost in my neighborhood and you just happened to run out of sugar…
pigbtm
I agree with all of these no-no’s but hung trumps them all 🙂
Ms Urethra Johnson
Discoloured-scratched / half missing Lee Press-on Nails….
Ms Urethra Johnson
Your McDonalds/Wallmart name tag…
Ms Urethra Johnson
Your Siamese twin
Bellamy
“What Not To Wear To A Hookup”?
I’ve got an idea. Stop being a hook-up whore. If you want to fornicate like a heterosexual, why be gay? Let set a moral example for our perverted Straight brethren.
DickieJohnson
Toeshoes make you look like the “missing link”, or from “Planet of the Apes”…EEK! Loooved the Jorts laugh!
Jeton Ademaj
i have been judged for “bad” clothing by hookups before, and turned away. each time, the idiot learned of my sexual merits from others and came begging back.
i am sadistic about making them jump thru hoops as a result, and i turn my usually rough self up a notch or 3 if i deign to pound them at all. i tell the idiots this beforehand.
i usually don’t begrudge the femininity of my bottoms, but when one of my fellow faggots plays Tim Gunn before a hookup, he will suffer for it.
Wilberforce
I don’t do hookups. But I wouldn’t wear that stuff anywhere.
scotshot
@Jeton Ademaj: “i” You’re a top? Tim Gunn’s tougher than you. If you have to talk/brag about it, you’re not.
Saint Law
Some blokes don’t know or don’t care what constitutes a fashion faux pas. These are usually the kindest, least self-conscious and sexiest men.
Certain gays could take a leaf out of their book and realise that there is no greater boner killer than a prissy fixation with the ‘right’ ensemble.
ridgelineranger
I arrived at a dudes house in my jeep wearing nothing but my work boots and a baseball cap. He kept me there for 3 days. I must have made a good first impression.
iggy6666
@Jeton Ademaj: hahahaha. That was 100% pure cheese right there! A narcistic top and a slutty bottom must make for a good hookup.
chinadad
Here in the Pacific Northwest (aka Seattle), we men enjoy our socks and Birkenstocks. It’s one of the ways to distinguish natives from newbies. That and we natives don’t carry umbrellas.
Sebizzar
Kinda sad that we have to resort to this. And “You don’t want to disappoint your lover”? You mean luster.
LuckyboyLA
@St Law. ‘Don’t know’ is one thing. ‘Don’t care’ is something altogether different. We only get one 1st chance to make a good impression anytime anywhere. Why settle for some slob who might or might not be a nice guy and good sex. He’s had enough time to learn good grooming and dress habits by the time he shows up to anyone’s door by the age of 21. R U a Brit? We get this fashion shit straightened out by 12 or 13 yrs old in middle school. Girls AND boys. Get out and see some real ‘Blokes’ sometime. Besides, this is LA, not Farmville USA. We don’t go straight from barn to town doing errands. I’m 60, n2 kink, but I look prep. I change/put on a good outfit to do errands. I’m not going out looking like some old schlub here in Pasadena. And I only see str8t’s. But I see the same people in my stores. TJ’s etc. It’s called self respect and pride in ones appearance.
Jeton Ademaj
@scotshot: ahhh, the appraisal of a style-nazi!
Jeton Ademaj
@iggy6666: the best, actually. i can only imagine how hot your hookups must be…”i’m like the devil, but 10 tymes moar!”.
electrifying!
connergreen
Funny article, and some not-so-funny comments. It seems in places that Mr. Gremore confuses “hook-up” with “date” (as he confuses “trick” with “lover.”)
FIRST of all, I dress for convenience of getting to his bedroom, stripping naked, and later getting swiftly dressed for my exit. No small talk on the couch with suggestive hand brushes against his knee. So, I’m commando, and underwear is not an issue. (HOWEVER, anyone who’s holding onto worn-out underwear should recycle them out of their prior function.} Also, convenient footwear is indeed a matter, so I choose casual loafers I can walk in without socks to take off and then linger to hunt those socks. Didn’t know gorilla shoes were a thing, but … no.
(For a DATE, I’m more refined into the bon visage of public human interaction.)
SECOND, I am a hookup slut, because I am single and I like sex. If you don’t like sex, you’re not doing it right @bellamy . If I’m looking for sex online while someone else is looking for sex online, and we agree to hook up, well, good for me.
In sum, get there, get nekkid, do you deeds, get presentable, then leave.
connergreen
@connergreen: edit — I DON’T have to linger finding socks.