At least that’s what I used to tell myself during my first couple of years living in New York City, a time I now like to think of as my “re-education,” or the unlearning of those stubborn Midwest values so deeply rooted in my mind. And I didn’t consider myself conservative either for passing that judgement onto the men that were pointed out to me as escorts or Rentboys. After all, I was a go-go dancer. I may have shaken my ass but I drew the line firmly — albeit self-righteously — there. Rather than turn tricks, I chose a path of odd and poorly-paying jobs to “make it,” a plan that while grueling, was at least “real work,” I assured myself. Those other guys at the bar were “just hookers.” “How could Rentboys be so blind as to think they could sell their bodies and be considered ‘professionals?’ How could they ever expect to be taken seriously?”
I laugh when I now think about how “liberal” I considered myself in my early twenties simply for being an out gay man,” especially considering that up until Tuesday, August 25, I was an active, even featured member on Rentboy.com. I laugh, and I cringe. The old judgements I held for the Rentboys and sex workers I encountered in my first years in New York City was completely textbook. I was unhappy with my life. I was broke. And most importantly, I was jealous of other men in my situation who were bold enough to take control of their lives, bodies, and desires to make their own happiness. I feel the same respect now for female and trans sex workers. I also recognize that my personal circumstances and decision to become a Rentboy can in no way speak for all those involved in sex work. However, for the scope of this editorial, I’m going to draw from my own (literal) firsthand experience.
Related: RentBoy CEO And Six Others Arrested In Prostitution Ring Bust
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The judgement I felt was certainly a part of that brittle bedrock of “American values,” but it is not unique to small town America either. That moralizing doctrine that loves to play police man is also a part of a larger narrative shared by many gay men, especially in urban areas like NYC where our sexuality itself is rarely called into question, neither socially nor legally. It’s baffling and yet it makes perfect sense. For many adults, “being gay” is almost as normal as, well, “being straight.” It is the expression of my sexuality though that is still regularly called into question, more often than not by other gay men. Now that Rentboys have been publicly labeled as criminals, it’s become even easier for straight and gay communities to write us off as “just hookers.”
Thankfully for me, by my mid-twenties my personal biases against Rentboys dramatically shifted, especially when I acknowledged that they stemmed more from my own desire and interest in sex work. I had also befriended a plethora of people from my adventures in NYC. While no two were alike, what I was shocked to discover was that sex work wasn’t actually all that uncommon. It wasn’t uncommon for a freelance writer to vend a helping hand during a lap dance. It wasn’t uncommon for a photographer to massage his way through one of NYC’s most distinguished but exorbitantly expensive art schools. Sex work was actually fairly common, whether a person chose to occasionally dabble or make it his career. Even more so, after my first Rentboy session, I was shocked to discover how natural it felt it to me, a literal “second hand” nature. Escorting wasn’t harmful to me or any of the people I knew. If anything it empowered us to take control of our financial situations and improve our lives.
I like to think that I’ve since graduated from my NYC “re-education” after signing on as a Rentboy, but even now I’m constantly surprised and then humbled by the range of talented, smart, and well-adjusted sex workers that cross my path. Unbeknownst to them, many have become role models for me, examples of how I can simultaneously use my body to build myself a better life and take pleasure from it as well. I have to continually remind myself, “Oh yeah, it is possible to be a sex worker and be well adjusted.” And on its tail end is the more personal reminder, “Hey, YOU are well adjusted. You’ve got your own apartment and health insurance and a savings account. You pay taxes, and you built back your credit. You open the door for old ladies and tip your barista and wink at dogs and you are ‘ok.’”
I owe these self-assured feelings to my role models, many of whom were arrested last Tuesday and accused of running an “internet brothel.” Their kindness, so generously shared, helped me gain a more positive understanding of myself. But now the public is told that Rentboys and sex workers from all walks of life are criminals. Our careers are wrong, our bodies are wrong, our desires are wrong. We are being told we are “just hookers.” It’s my old prejudiced mantra echoing ghost like in my ear and boldly exclaimed across the social media boards: “Those Rentboys are going to crawl back to the corners they came from, lol,” insert winky-smiley face.
That emoji may be cruel — never mind pointless — but I do understand those comments, because I once quietly thought them to myself as well. They are tributaries to the deeper misconception that sex workers run away from ourselves and the “real world.” However, I know that it was only through sex work that I began to cultivate a better understanding of myself. I am not “just a hooker,” I am a “reformed hooker.” However, my absolution comes not from denouncing my involvement in sex work, but instead from accepting that I can live my life fully and whole heartedly, all the while employing my body as I see fit.
Before Tuesday, August 25, that would have been the conclusion to this article. As much as I wish I could wrap things up neatly and conclude, “Rentboys are people too, yay sex positivity,” I’d be ignoring the multitude of issues now facing myself along with every escort and employee connected with the Rentboy raid. Technically, I am indeed backed into a corner. I’d like nothing more than to publicly decry the raid — social opinion and “hater gays” be damned. But there is also the very real fear of further legal persecution. I may have personally come to terms and won against my personal prejudices of escorting, but publicly, the struggle to recognize sex work as “real work” and its employees as real people is still unfolding before us.
[Editor’s note: The author of this op-ed requested his name not be used. The opinion expressed here is his own.]
Vinkenzo OC
who cares!?
SteveDenver
@Vinkenzo OC: Did you visit this post just to be a stupid b!tch?
SteveDenver
Sex work, for whatever reason people enter into it, is a forum where legal entities can exercise bias and get away with it.
What in the hell is Homeland Security doing investigating alleged prostitution? Has that agency treated all similar agencies alike? What is the threat to the United States posed by such transactions?
The Taliban and ISIS approve of Homeland Security’s attack on gays.
juliansorl
Just wrote a check to the Tax Man and every year I wonder how I’m going to afford my taxes because Half my income is from a home business so excuse me if I hope they come after all you “gentleman” for tax evasion!
OhHellNo
Dude, that was insightful, thoughtful and brave! Pity you’re just a hooker.
Javier Rodriguez
With all false and expensive hopes that are out there, RentBoy was a guarantee that at least you could fulfill a fantasy or two and not be fighting weeks later over who betrayed who. It’s was an indulgent at times exotic gift I gave to myself and memories that I selfishly will treasure.
Cam
He seems to be going to an extrodinary effort to convince himself and us that he is ok with being a rentboy.
If he was really ok with it, not sure he would have to write something so over the top.
That said, the arrest of the folks associated with Rentboy.com and the weird charges that way exceed what charges normally would be seem to indicate that they are trying to pressure them into taking a deal.
A guess is that some powerful politicians have RentBoy accounts, flipped out after the Ashley MAdison hacking and pushed the FBI to go after Rentboy and seize their servers before they could be hacked. Now they come up with very excessive charges but will agree to settle if the owners agree to hand over the servers and clear them, or something like that.
Again, just a guess, but something in the story seems weird.
Randy
@OhHellNo:
Pity you’re just a douchbag
richard s
@Vinkenzo OC: why be such an asshole when you probably have a profile on adam4adam and manhunt and grindr and scruff…you and most of us arent much different than this guy…you’re just giving it away for free
richard s
@Cam: you have a very very interesting and completely plausible suggestion that this is somehow linked to a shakedown. The interesting thing here is that the rentboy owners have very good legal representation and have operated legally. They’re smart businessmen and know how to skirt the law. It does sound like someone wants those servers wiped clean. Probably a high ranking Republican…Lindsay Graham maybe?
jwtraveler
@juliansorl: “I have to continually remind myself,…You’ve got your own apartment and health insurance and a savings account. You pay taxes…”
Notice that last phrase? Did you not read the article, or conveniently ignore the part that doesn’t support your prejudices?
Dave in Northridge
I wonder why it is that this bust was conducted by Homeland Security. This feels like we’re back in the 50s again.
NateOcean
To show how naive I am:
The dude on grindr chats me up saying he is a college guy and needs cash for his textbooks. Being helpful I suggest half-price-books.com, and various local used book stores where he can save money. His spelling and grammar indicated he was probably not a college student, or at best, a poor one.
And they all think they are super-model calibre. Except for the occassional lazy eye, or the amatuerish or unfinished tattoos.
So I’d say rentboys are mostly just low grade prostitutes looking for a quick buck to feed their meth habit..
moldisdelicious
Well.. think the raid was a much needed reality check. It’s clear that some gay guys are not in touch with the world today. Folks like to run away from reality instead of dealing with it. Prostitution has nothing to do with gay rights or being discriminated by the government. It’s a real shame that folks believe that too. All these gay men basically trying to hold on to the same thing that are holding them back through sheer ignorance.
gro@2709
The Rentboy.com attack by the government (both state and federal) brings up the idea of legalizing prostitution. I’m in favor of taking away the stigma of sex and allowing the market to say what is tolerable, i.e., do I want to pay for sex or get it for free? We as Americans have a hatred of sex going back to the Puritans: we don’t want men to wear Speedos in public (except at a swimming pool but never on a beach) since someone might see a bulge; we can’t have any image of two men kissing less the “children” become traumatized; and pictures of dick are considered obscene (but breasts are not???). If a man has the ability to provide a service to the paying public that does no harm to others, why should that be a crime? Studies have shown that where prostitution is legal, sex workers enjoy a safer and healthier life – safer since they no longer have pimps, they can advertise their services, and they can chose how they get clients; healthier since they now can provide themselves with health care through a medical plan without the fear of being victimized by the government for their choice of work.
Some gay men will look down their noses (as did the writer of the above article initially) due to society’s constant beat-down of anyone who wants to own-up to their own sexuality and get paid for so doing. As with Marriage Equality, sex work in no way harms those who do not partake of it. It only “harms” those who constantly obsess over it fearful that their own sexual identity or desire may be questioned by others. Let’s not penalize those who provide a service to others in exchange for dollars – in many cases, the service they provide may actually help save a life! Rentboy.com was a great service to all who would seek clients as well as those who would seek companionship. Since it’s now blocked, sex workers will have a harder time connecting with clients and clients will have a much more difficult time finding a companion. I only hope that a judge will toss out the complaint and chose to penalize the government for misusing the DHS and the NYPD. Those organizations need to get back to protecting the general public and not prosecuting sex workers!
moldisdelicious
@gro@2709:
Breh, I doubt you’d care if it were a bunch of straight people getting locked up for prostitution. That’s the funny part. The way you and some of these guys sound, you make being a prostitute or to live a life around sex where it’s someone’s means of survival to be like a destiny for gay men. It’s not. If someone wants to ho themselves up the block, they can but all this “we as gays have to stand up for sex workers because they are like ua” trash needs to stop.
Even though it’s not the same thing depending on the situation, how long before folks defend child pedos, rapist and people who have sex with animals. I’ve already seen some people on here defending rapists ready to go like… that guy shouldn’t have been sharing another guy. Folks don’t see how they’re acting like their biggest enemy. Never mind the homophobes.
Clark35
@Vinkenzo OC: Exactly he’s a puta and is a prostitute since he has zero self esteem, has been abused before, or has a major drug addiction.
Clark35
@Javier Rodriguez: So you were so desperate that you actually paid for a puta? What gay or bisexual man is so desperate to act out certain fantasies that he can’t actually connect with a man in person or online, discuss what they want to do sexually even if it’s their personal fantasy, and not be a total bottom feeder that pays for a puta?
richard s
Wow…I wish we were all as perfect as you, Clark35. You have the perfect life! That’s so great
richard s
@Clark35: dont judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes
billygoat
@gro@2709: well said. There’s something strange about this that hasn’t been publicized. But whatever, these agencies should be concerned with matters of real consequence.
Hussain-TheCanadian
ISIS, the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and all related cult gangs approve of what Home Land security is doing to Rentboy……………………………………..BTW…..This is related to Home Land Security how?
Josh447
Unless there can be rational harm induced and proven by prostitution, it should be legalized as any other goods and service, particularly for gay men who are more able to protect themselves than women. To not legalize it is truly a violation of the first amendment. There are 81 countries in the world where prostitution is legal: Denmark, considered the happiest country in the world, France Italy Spain Germany and Canada are but a few. See the list here: http://chartsbin.com/view/snb.
The US is plagued by backwards corrupted religious beliefs that sex is bad, and therefore we have the Puritanical tight bloused ignorant uptight schoolmarm holding primadonna court over her lemmings at afternoon tea toddling, complete with her black Sunday School Study Bible clutched tightly at her side. This is exactly what many naysayers portray.
Two consenting adults who want to include a financial transaction for how they use their bodies is no ones business but their own. i.e. financial actions not applying; gays and sodomy, now overturned.
Clark35: Many hot gay business men do not have time to cruise like you might, and the service to them can be invaluable. Sometimes jacking off to porn while single just doesn’t cut it.
To naysayers about prostitution; I’d suggest you check your tight necked blouses, your religious convictions, and who is being harmed in these transactions, and see what you turn up. You may be surprised at how the rights we demand with gay marriage, are protested by the same tight necked blouses you dawn so perfectly.
JWTraveler: I agree with you completely. Very well written and compelling. I believe there are many well rounded very intelligent people that simply don’t buy into religious ignorance around sex, and they use it as a goods and service they feel is correct and satisfactory to all involved. Kudos to them, they have left the dark insulting irrational religious fodder for the weak minded.
Clark35
@jwtraveler: Kim who?
@Josh447: OK thanks for explaining. I have never paid for sex with anyone or been paid for sex.
I think all the people who want to legalize “sex work” aka sex trafficking are the same people who voted that they didn’t want to know what was in their food.
You think people want to be whores? Most are forced into it, many are kept drugged out of their minds so they can’t fight back, and the rest were brought in early so they feel they have no other way out. This happens to women, children, trans people, and even adult men. In countries where prostitution became legalized or decriminalized this basically made trafficking and sex slavery legal, and increased them greatly.
Most prostitutes have been raped and molested at some point in their lives and continue to live in that hell because they don’t know how else to cope or move past it.
But hey as long as you get an easy lay who looks “pretty” who cares how they got there right? Sex slavery is awesome!
Nevermind that drugs and guns are never too far behind prostitution. They usually go hand in hand.
Lets go ahead and make America a full fledged 3rd world country. Legalize “sex work”! Go, Merica!
Can’t wait for every lazy American sob with an even slightly pretty face to label himself a professional “sex worker” and lay on his back for $50 because desk jobs are too haaaaaaarrrrd.
1 step forward,100 steps back.
richard s
@Giancarlo85: its laughable at how ridiculous you sound with your grand statements about escorts. Raped and molested? Drugs and guns? Dude…shut up already
Giancarlo85
I don’t quite understand why one would pay for sex, but that isn’t my issue. I’m just good looking so I never had that issue. And I have never sold my ass… so enough of that. It’s not really my business though and I don’t think prostitution should be illegal. It just needs to be safely regulated. The government overstepped its bounds. But again, it’s nothing I would ever need nor would I do it myself. If someone wants to I don’t see the problem as long as it is regulated.
Why don’t Homeland Security actually investigate all the white collar criminals in Wall Street? Those guys are ripping off the taxpayers of hundreds of millions!
Giancarlo85
@Clark35: You really have no clue what you’re talking about and most of your statements have no proof. I challenge you to come up with some evidence to back up what you are saying. If you can’t and refuse to do so, you’re lying your ass off.
richard s
@richard s: sorry Giancarlo85…I meant this for Clark35!
richard s
@Clark35: lots of resentment here, Clark35. Did an escort turn you down so now you bash all of them?
Billy Budd
@Clark35: You are an idiot. I have met escorts who were the total opposite of the image you have of them.
jkb
@Clark35: Are you related to that bitch in Kentucky? You sure sound like her: hateful
MarionPaige
was the author of this article paid by the word?
Finrod
Prostitution is the only way that some people are ever going to be able to have any kind of sexual expression or physical intimacy. And it’s the only way that some other people are going to crawl out of working at Walmart. Judgmental, puritanical queers are no better than Kim Davis.
Josh447
@Clark35:
I get the things you are talking about however, I think you have sex trafficking and consensual adult prostitution fused together, which they are not. But you are spot on about sex trafficking of minors, adults forced sex and kidnapping. That is an obvious no no and the abusers should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. i am talking about adult consensual paid sex where all parties are satisfied with the result and have not abused or harmed another human being. That is what I advocate for being legal.
I think you are talking about two entirely separate subjects as one. They are quite separate and deserve their rightful research and execution under the law. Consensual adult prostitution is not legal in most of Europe for no reason. They have dropped their judgments and their fears and moved into a state of honest assessment, and found no reason to continue criminalizing it. Hooray for them. We are a young impatient judgmental nation traversing it’s infancy as best we can. Things will get better in time when we store our judgments for rational research and resolution.
Josh447
@Finrod:
I agree. I am sure it has been done, but I would like to read an article where a gay virgin son’s dad buys him a male hooker to bring him into being “of age as a man” and maybe to snap him out of his son’s obsessive porn addiction.
Josh447
@Clark35:
Kim David featured widely in many articles on todays Queerty main page.
Josh447
@Clark35
Correction: Kim Davis
jwtraveler
@Cam: Every year when Gay Pride season comes around, gay people “seem to be going to an extrodinary effort to convince [themselves] and [the world] that [they are]ok with being [gay].
If [they were] really ok with it, not sure [they] would have to [do] something so over the top.”
jwtraveler
@Cam: Oops. “extr[aor]dinary”
Uppity
@Cam: I think your theory could very well be right.
Finrod
@Clark35: “What gay or bisexual man is so desperate to act out certain fantasies that he can’t actually connect with a man in person or online”
A disabled and housebound one, Captain Empathy.
o.codone
All that bragging on himself, yet he won’t he use his name? I’d think a little free ad right now would be a good thing. Maybe his Mom reads Queerty.
@Giancarlo85. I’m glad for your sake that you are not a Rentgirl. It saves you the narcissistic injury. Guys are not looking to hook up with Ricky Ricardo’s little sister or, for that matter the Chiquita banana girl. It’s better for everyone involved if you keep all that wrapped up and away from the public. Besides if you need five dollars, I’ll just give it to you. No strings attached.
Clark35
@richard s: It’s true. Look it up. Legalised prostitution leads to more sex trafficking/forced sexual slavery for people of all genders and sexual orientations. Plus drug addiction and prostitution have gone hand in hand for centuries/thousands of years.
richard s
@Clark35: no shit! You’ll find issues with prostitution in say….Bangkok but not so much with guys on Rentboy. Stomp your feet all you want but your generalizations are getting boring.
Clark35
@Finrod: Meh, even people who are disabled or house bound can easily get laid without having to resort to pay for a male hooker.
Giancarlo85
@o.codone: You’re a fat obese man with colon issues. You’re not worth anyones time on here. You need to go get some exercise and stop blaming your genes for your obesity. That’s how mentally screwed you are… has to be all those drugs you took. Pain killers aren’t candy. Somebody needs to knock some sense into your tiny little brain.
richard s
@Clark35: it sounds like you make housecalls, Clark35. And you dont charge…how generous of you
richard s
@Clark35: as they say down south…”Clark35…bless your heart”
Finrod
@Clark35: “Meh, even people who are disabled or house bound can easily get laid without having to resort to pay for a male hooker.”
You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. And yet, you keep talking.
Dating for the disabled is, in many cases, virtually impossible. Nobody wants to deal with the limitations. Try doing some research on the subject before you barf your prejudices over the rest of us.
SonOfKings
@Giancarlo85: “But again, it’s nothing I would ever need nor would I do it myself.” Bytch, this is the present and you cannot predict the future. Given the right circumstances, you would buy it and you would sell it. So don’t tell these lies.
jwtraveler
I @Clark35: Probably not much prostitution in Iran or Saudi Arabia and look at what bastions of human rights they are, especially for women and gays.
Giancarlo85
@SonOfKings: You don’t tell me anything or what I would do. You need to shut your fat face. I would rather work a bunch of dead end jobs than sell myself. Creeps like you have no clue and really shouldn’t speak for others, dumbfuck.
Giancarlo85
Oh and I can predict every fucking thing about myself because I know myself more than some useless internet keyboard warrior.
Josh447
What in the world does “meh” mean? Sounds like sheep grazing for food or maybe a sick dying cow. A sickly adjective at best.
@Sonofkings
Your comment is rather presumptuous and inflammatory not to mention judgmental and self righteous.
Josh447
@Sonofkings
But then if you are out to incite emotional violence, you’re right on Q.
YepItsMe
Boohoo. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Pitou
@o.codone: LMFAO.
WORK! Bitch.
Pitou
@Clark35: NOT true.
All men have things that turn them on and not everyone is anyone elses type. The internet and whatever other means for some people to find free sex is completely unsuccessful and unfortunately have to resort to actually paying for it. Not everyone’s desirability ever happens nor does it usually ever last a lifetime, but their sexuality probably will.
When I am older, I pray that I can afford a sex friend if/when I need it. If Im ever disabled, I hope to have someone around to ‘know’ how to arrange me a sexual encounter if I would like one. I don’t think most gay men think of it until it hits them, but at the same time I’m sometimes surprised at a general lack of empathy in people period.
OhHellNo
Rent boys pay taxes? Pull the other one, Mary.
tusgold
you are an egocentric, shallow, compassion less assclown. That young man is twice the human waste you will ever be.