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LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Things Ever Said About Gay Sex By Conservatives

By DANIEL ADDICE April 19, 2013 at 2:19pm · Updated on February 26, 2015

  “You know, in the instruction manual, it said, now plug this into a 120 [volt] outlet. Suppose I said, ‘Oh, I’m not going to follow those instructions, those are antiquated instructions. I’m going to plug it into a 220 [volt] outlet. It’s my TV and I can do whatever I want to with it, but I’m going to blow that TV to smithereens if I put it in a 220 outlet! The manufacturer made it; he knows how it operates best. The Bible is God’s instruction manual for us.”  — Robert Jeffress   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex will make you explode. The Reality: In a recent interview with Trinity Broadcasting Network, Texas Pastor and prominent LGBT headache Robert Jeffress attempted to explain what he considers God’s manual for sex.  According to the pastor, a penis is like an electrical plug and a vagina is the only fitting socket; and if you go around sticking your plug in other outlets, well, you know, you might just blow up.  While we can all agree the Jeffress’ botched metaphor is a complete sham, I am starting to wonder if I should hire an electrician next time I get into bed with someone, just to be safe.  
 

  “The court says it is in certain limited circumstances, but you know what that [homosexual] behavior does? It cuts your life by about 20 years.”  — Bob Marshall   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex kills you twenty years faster than straight sex. The Reality: There should really be a mandatory class for politicians, or well, anyone for that matter, to quote statistics from a survey, since most research is subjective and really easy to misinterpret. Take Virginia delegate Bob Marshall, who in a CNN interview, “quoted” statistics from the International Journal of Epidemiology during an anti-gay rights rant.  It would have been a lot more effective if one of the co-editors of the journal, Julio Montaner, didn’t later come out to state that Marshall’s report was, “a gross misrepresentation of the research.”  

  “Homosexuals are 100 times more likely to be murdered (usually by another homosexual) than the average person, 25 times more likely to commit suicide, and 19 times more likely to die in a traffic accident.” — Dr. Edward Fields   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex increases your chances of getting murdered and hit by a car. The Reality: Remember how we just said that people should be required to take a class on using statistics. Well that also goes for people who poll statistics. Take for instance, Dr. Edward Fields, an anti-Semitic, anti-Communist, white supremacist who coincidentally published a journal titled Is Homosexual Activity Normal. Though there were tons of falsities within the journal, the most insane statistic, hands down, was his connection of same sex intercourse to the probability of murder and death.  

  “Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a ‘butt plug‘ just to be able to contain their bowels?” — Patrick Wooden   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex means you’ll have to wear diapers. The Reality: In a discussion with the Americans for Truth about Homosexuality, Pastor Patrick Wooden tried his best to shoot down homosexual intercourse by spouting the usual conservative hate rhetoric — gay sex is a sin and unnatural, semen was not designed for the rectum, gay sex will destroy the human race, and so on. Wooden’s coup d’état of ridiculousness commenced when he predicted the repercussion of gay sex to be an overly-stretched anus in constant need of a butt plug. It seems to us that Pastor Wooden has spent much less time researching medical journals, and more time in the hardcore section of some pretty graphic websites.  
 

“They use carrots, they use bananas, they use cucumbers, and other metalised ones, and they put them insides themselves…because they are not normal.” — Martin Ssempa   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Lesbian sex requires metallic carrots, bananas and cucumbers. The Reality: Let’s all be honest, the framework for this one actually sounds pretty great — a clip of some man with a thick accent and a poor grasp of the English vocabulary, attempting to act out sexual scenarios with fruit. The problem with the equation is that the man here is one of Africa’s most notorious bigots, Martin Ssempa. In his crudely inaccurate depiction of lesbian sex, he points out that they lack the right tools to have ‘correct’ sex. Ssempa then lists what objects all lesbians must be using instead.  It’s a shame that no one on the set had a pair of scissors, Ssempa could’ve actually learned something.  

Rick Santorum prays

  “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.” — Rick Santorum   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex incorporates polygamy and incest. The Reality: Great minds think alike, and by great minds, we mean simple-minded homophobes.  It turns out that Jeremy Irons, who just came under scrutiny for making some poorly-worded comments on gay marriage and incest, wasn’t actually the first to do so. Hate-mongering goofball Rick Santorum made a very similar comment a while back.  If so many people think that legalizing same-sex marriage will lead to same-sex incest, why don’t we ask heterosexual families if they experience a large quantity of heterosexual incest since their marriage is already legal?  

  “Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community — it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall.”  — Stacey Campfield   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is the reason AIDS exists, only after a gay man had sex with monkey. The Reality: Chances are that if you have to say “if I recall” twice within two sentences, what you are saying can’t be that factual. And if there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about not knowing the facts, it’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill spear-header Stacey Campfield.  

Chocolate - stonesoup

  “I want to say homosexuals eat each other’s poop. Homosexuals stick their hands into their rectum. Homosexuals stick all sorts of deviant sexual things into their rectum… And they call poo poo, chocolate.” — Matin Ssempa   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex involves eating poop. The Reality: It takes some genuine ignorance to end up on a list with only ten spots twice, but then again, we could have probably made an entire list of quotes from Martin Ssempa alone.  During a press conference, Ssempa displayed a slideshow of gay men participating in scat play.  He then went on to discuss in detail, how eating ‘poo poo’ or ‘chocolate’ is the standard for gay sex.  Not only did Ssempa exhibit an enormous amount of intolerance, he also ruined chocolate for us all.  

Angels at Pride London 2010

  “We need to remember the term sodomy came from a town that was known as Sodom and Sodom was destroyed by God Almighty. They practiced homosexual activity and then they raped angels. — Pat Robertson   What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is a gateway to raping angels. The Reality: During an episode of The 700 Club, Pat Robertson, noted televangelist, decided to give us his interpretation of a biblical passage on Sodom. He reminds us that Sodom was destroyed by God after its inhabitants engaged in bouts of gay sex, which ‘inherently’ led to them raping angels… cause that makes sense.  

Kiss Matthew Ossenfort + Jeffrey Denke 20100117.7D.02081.P1.L1.SQ.BW SML (4321373756)

 

“If you isolate sexuality as something solely for one’s own personal amusement, and all you want is the most satisfying orgasm you can get—and that is what homosexuality seems to be—then homosexuality seems too powerful to resist. The evidence is that men do a better job on men and women on women if all you are looking for is an orgasm… Marital sex tends toward the boring end. Generally, it doesn’t deliver the kind of sheer sexual pleasure that homosexual sex does.” — Paul Cameron

 

What Dumb Conservatives Will Hear: Gay sex is so awesome, that it will eventually turn all straight people gay.

The Reality: Well, can we really argue against that? In a 1999 issue of Rolling Stone, “sex researcher” Paul Cameron decided to vilify gay sex in the best way possible, flattery.  According to Cameron, gay sex yields the most satisfying orgasm which is just too damn flawless to resist. But in essence, it sounds more like Cameron is giving us an ultimatum, boring straight sex or the blissful gay sex.  Hmm… decisions, decisions.

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40 Comments*

  • Darson

    It cuts 20 years off your life…

    Yeah but it’s the last 20 and those are usually the shitty ones anyway.

  • Darson

    “Eating poo and scat play is the standard for gay sex”?

    What browser are you using Ssempa!?? Type in scat and 99.9 percent of what you find
    is men pooping on women! Anxiously awaiting your response.

  • B Damion

    Y’all I just can’ rim. I won’t even try. the idea just makes me wanna puck.

  • B Damion

    Rim jobs and having my nuts squeezed hard is it for me. I just can’t. Two men shouldn’t be squeezing each others balls anyway. the hands r just too strong.

  • Captain proton

    Genesis 19:8 “Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

    This is Lot, offering the crowd outside his home in Sodom to take his two virgin daughters, just so they’ll leave his guests alone and let them sleep.

    any time someone talks of the evils of sodomy, tell them to go read this verse.

  • hyhybt

    Lessons learned:
    1) Don’t stick my penis into a 220 volt electrical socket. Apparently a 110 socket would be fine, though. You first.

  • iBLOW

    I find it funny that they brought up Scat Play, which straight people do. I honestly think straight sex has more nasty stuff going on in it.

  • 2nd Class Citizen

    If the Ass-hat Pat Robertson would actually read his bible he might stumble across this in Ezekiel 16:48-49

    48As I live, saith the Lord God, Sodom thy sister hath not done, she nor her daughters, as thou hast done, thou and thy daughters.

    49Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.

    Here Robertson’s non-existent god clearly says he killed everyone in Sodom (including infants and the unborn) because of pride and greed. Nice god!

  • hyhybt

    @2nd Class Citizen: I still find Jeremiah 8:8 the most helpful in listening to “inerrant literal Bible” types. “How can you say, ‘we are wise, for we have the law of the Lord,’ when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely?”

  • Righteous

    Hey Ssempa when it comes to eating poop you might want to check out Santorum…. That’s all that comes out of his mouth.

  • jackpapa

    One of the most shocking days of my life came when I found that my nephew had posted Ssempa’s poop press conference on his facebook page, along with some choice comments. It, of course, showed up in my news feed. I confronted him on it, and we posted back and forth and in all of his posts he used such vile language in his unwavering support of what Ssempa had said, that I wound up disowning him. (Unfriending just seemed too weak a response)- I have not seen or spoken to him in many years and that is the waay it will stay.

  • milomorris

    Christians who think that the sin of Sodom was homosexuality don’t know their bible very well. Ezekiel chapter 16, verse 49 says:

    “Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.”

  • daniwitz13

    If a hundred people in a room “claimed” that they were Gay, would you know which one may have lied? Which one was really one? What if none of them, would you have known? If he says he is but isn’t would you know? If he says he isn’t but he is, would you know? Do you just take the word of everyone that says things. Does a Court of Law require proof of Identity? Can a Judge tell who is or isn’t Gay? Is just telling the Judge that one is Gay enough for proof? Boy, you are a good candidate for those spare bridges that I’ve been trying to sell. Pity.

  • jwallyd73

    @jackpapa:

    It is so sad that “family” behave so atrociously. Kudos to you for separating yourself from such judgmental ignorance. Family is so much more than blood ties, but support beyond that with which we have personal experience. I applaud your commitment to that which is RIGHT.

  • Vallin

    No brainer #10. Bring on my hot femboy harem!

  • hf2hvit

    @B Damion: Oh, excuse me…was this about YOU?

    “Your sex life complications are not my fascination”

  • Joe

    The “20 years” figure was come up with in a ridiculous way: Someone took the ages of obituaries in gay newspapers in the 1980s and averaged them. It’s like saying, well, the average age of kids who die in car accidents are 13, therefore kids live 59 years less than the average person.

  • Charles175

    Just wait long enough and an ass like these will start referring to the “Gerbiling” myth.

  • Charles175

    @iBLOW: They do have more nasty shit in their closets as these vain imaginations come directly from their hearts.

  • dbmyers

    @B Damion: Who asked you to? People make their own decisions as to what does or does not turn them on and neither you, nor anyone else, has the right to make that decision for any one else, unless those actions violate the rights of others, involve the use of force (rape), or are engaged in with persons unable to give informed consent due to age, incapacity, mental awareness, or lack of consciousness.

  • D9W

    What get’s me is the heterosexuals have oral sex too, and from what I have been told it can be just as stinky and messy too. That’s what soap and showers are for but you would never fine that in the Bible either. According Old Songs of Solomon 7:8, morning breath smells like fine Apples. I don’t know about you but I never smelled morning breath that smelled like fine apples. And according to 7:2 navels produce fine honey wine. Try something lower and I never thought of it smelling like honey. Sorry I did not mean to devirginize all those gay boys’ minds with too much hetro information. But my point is most of the right wing crazies have never even read their own religious book.

    Yeah, I know these old farts that make these proclamations probably never had oral sex. And probably shouldn’t. It might give them a heart attack. What it comes down to it, what these wind bag are talking about is what they think people do, not what they really do. After all these guys are a legend in their own mind.

  • hyhybt

    @jackpapa: I’m sorry to hear that.

  • DOFEK

    If you only heard what I say about fucking Christian! you won`t be surprise!! AdamHomo

  • Pix

    Any ideas why Christians worry more about what adults do consensually with each other who are not of their religion rather than clergymen (not just Catholic priests, btw) preying on children they’re trusted with (in both hetero & homosexual fashions)? I don’t get this or why they get upset when someone interrupts their homophobic rant and/or promoting their “superior morality because I have a holy book” to point that out (and that Jesus said to worry about the beam in their own eye than the splinter in their neighbors).

  • InscrutableTed

    Rick Santorum seems to be unaware that adultery is legal.

  • Dresden

    I totally support Rick Santorum’s assertion that I now have the right to anything.

  • B Damion

    @dbmyers & the other one. Don’t try to bully me into silence.

  • bigomega73

    If God made a penis to only go inside a vagina, then why on Earth would he put the male G-spot inside the man’s ass???

  • EvonCook

    I think Paul Cameron was on to something important. Of course, gay sex is the best! And, since all people are actually bisexual (that is they could respond to stimulation by either sex), we know which one offers the best sex experience and it seems so does Paul Cameron, so it could be a real worry for straights that they may die out, or rather more likely that they are just damn envious that they KNOW their sex is boring compared to gay sex!
    And, certainly in my childhood, teenage years and adulthood I’ve had more than ten times the amount of sex had by the straights I know. And yes, they are jealous –a few (married) have even asked to try it with me and have come back for a lot more!
    I truly love the epiphany, the awakening and the utter amazement of a straight man who experiences great gay sex for the first time! Some feel guilty, but like most converts they certainly can be demanding and zealous for a while! Two classmates (now married and fathers) in boarding school roomed with me just to get the daily bjs, a college footballer actually stalked me until I let him move in ( he was the best ever morning, noon and night!), and two husbands (and fathers!) in my apartment building play at “visiting” when the little lady is out to avail themselves of a good release –even they say guys “just suck better.” I can imagine a time when gay sex is the norm and heterosexuality is mainly for breeding.
    The Arabs have a great ancient saying: “Boys for pleasure, women for reproduction and mellon for sheer delight!”

  • cleanhenn

    Clearly gay sex leads to slaughtering angels and calling poop chocolate. It all makes sense.

  • D9W

    @bigomega73: RE: Q: If God made a penis to only go inside a vagina, then why on Earth would ‘God’ put the male G-spot inside the man’s ass???

    Because SHE knew 90 Percent of Heterosexuals Males are Anal-Retentive. And SHE wanted revenge for Heterosexuals Males trying to make her in their image.

  • Matt

    Sadly, there’s a lot of truth to this but not all of it. So many gay men are involved in their anus or other guy’s anuses and it’s just filthy, the rimming, fisting, anal sex, etc. All the diseases they keep giving each other from those parasites that inhabit the colon. The prostate gland isn’t a g-spot. If it were every gay man would be verse and it’s just nasty and smelly in there. The penis is a perfect fit for a vagina and all the sex positions involved and the vagina is lubricated and doesn’t get tiny tears like bottoms do. You can clearly understand why bottoms have so many problems, but they keep doing it to make the top happy.

  • D9W

    Oh Matt- have you never heard of a shower? Most people use them to clean their bodies. Did you fail human sexuality or missed the part where Heterosexuals have ORAL sex too? And Sorry Charlie the prostate is the G-Spot for men, just some people don’t know it. And NO people don’t get diseases for licking someone’s rear. Most people are not from third world countries and don’t have parasites and diseases. And most people, who are not from third world countries, know how to use a Fleet Enemas if they are worried about internal issues. So you might want to go back to your ex-gay denial. I hear the 700 club wants you back.

  • bigomega73

    @D9W: HAHA!! Omigod that was fucking awesome! Marry me D9W!

  • D9W

    Another thing Matt- you might want to check out your ‘Bible’ but Song of Solomon 7:2 talks about a guy going down on his girl friend orally: ‘Your navel {think of something a lot lower) is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine’. How hygienic was that 2000+ years ago? I am really sorry Matt they didn’t teach you those code words for VIGINA back in Sunday School.

    Also I really don’t think any woman would want her breast referred to as clusters of the vine or two fawns or tell them that their nose is like the tower of Lebanon as pointed east or something in 7:3-4. Even a gay man would not be so stupid.

    And I for one, do not think your morning breath smells of apples as in 7:8. I personally think you should brush your breath with Minty Colgate Toothpaste before you get anywhere near me in the AM.

    So before you grace us with your wisdom of what is YUCKy, please visit your own religious text and take the log out of your own eye, before you try to critique someone else’s sexual habits. For Unlike King David, I will not be taking you out into the Field and show you my love, like King David did with Jonathan (meaning they had ANUAL and/or ORAL SEX).

    Note to the rest of you: Sorry guys, I don’t mean to de-virginize your minds, but somebody really needs to educate this 700 Club moron about sex.

  • D9W

    Speaking of Pat Robertson- he just popped out at the bottom of the screen with a message>> Also on Queerty- Surprise Pat Robertson Defends Chris Broussard’s Anti-Gay Remarks on ESPN.

    I did not mean to misspell Anal Sex. But the guy really does have a way of freaking you out while typing.

  • hyhybt

    @D9W: You can brush your teeth with Minty Colgate toothpaste, but you can only brush your breath with Dentyne 🙂

  • Matt

    @D9W: You’re so naive! lol Parasites are in the butt. It’s called human waste. It’s not surprising how many gay men have stomach and bowel problems from this, as well as numerous STDs. Men do not have a g-spot. Women really, really do. There’s a lot of truth in that article.

  • bigomega73

    @Matt: Replying to trolls is usually beneath me but your post is so ridiculous that I had to. Human waste is a parasite? So what is urine? A virus? And where the heck did you get that gay men have so many stomach and bowel problems? If you actually did your research you’d see that gay men have much less instances of prostate cancer. So looks like all that playing with your prostate might actually be good for it. And all you have to do is Google “male g-spot” and you’ll find that it is indeed the prostate. But I guess using Google is a little over your head judging by your easily discounted assumptions

  • Matt

    @bigomega73: Guys like you are lame. You probably call anuses manpu**ies and manginas. We all know men don’t have g-spots, clits, and labias. And we all know that anuses have no lubrication like vaginas. You guys are always trying to feminize your bottoms. lol Educate yourself. I’ll throw it back at ya! “Replying to trolls is usually beneath me but your post is so ridiculous that I had to.”

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