“No” might be the unsexiest word in the English language. But I suspect that if someone were to do the research, he or she would discover that’s it’s the one most commonly used in Grindr profiles.
No Asians. No blacks. No whites. No fems. No trans. No oldies. No this. No that. No! NO! NO!!!
For a community that’s so intent on demanding acceptance from outsiders, we seem to extend so little of it within.
At the risk of showing my age, I must say “No oldies” has a particularly brutal sting, perhaps partly because so many guys who go there can’t resist twisting the knife by expounding on it.
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“I already have a dad–don’t need another one,” with its suggestion of paedophilic tendencies for anyone of a certain age who dares to approach a fresh young thing, seems to be a favorite. There’s an extra layer of hostility there. It’s almost as if they’re actually saying, “It’s not just that I’m not attracted to your kind. Why do you even still exist?”
Related: 10 things you should never say to a black guy on Grindr
The grand irony is that, unlike the other categories of “No,” older is something we’ll all get to experience eventually, if we’re lucky enough to live that long. And as someone who has lived long enough to hear the gay death knell toll on my 40th birthday, I can confirm that youth is frighteningly fleeting; the gay death knell tolls for you much sooner than you think.
But there’s another twist: Despite my advanced age (which I choose not to reveal in my Grindr profile because, as a black man, I’m already subject to quite enough stereotypical sizing-up, thank you), most of the messages I receive on Grindr are from guys in their teens and twenties–many of whom insist they don’t want anything to do with anyone over 30.
Usually, I’ll ignore them the way I do profiles with any kind of “No” list, even if none of them apply to me. But sometimes I can’t resist calling them out for hitting on a dreaded “daddy.”
“Um, I’m sorry. But I’m over 30, mate. In fact, I’m over 40,” I recently responded to a twenty-something who insisted he wasn’t looking for a dad. He even included an ultra-specific age range: 25-28.
“That’s OK, man. You don’t look it, and you’re hot, so it doesn’t matter. But it’s up to you,” he wrote back within minutes.
Related: The Trump effect: How American politics are ruining gay etiquette and making us meaner
So if it doesn’t matter, then why mention it? If you are going to bother putting age restrictions in your profile, if you are going to risk making any “oldie” who happens to read it feel inferior just so you can avoid having to hear from undesirables, shouldn’t you at least have the integrity to stick to your ageism?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the rejection of older men on Grindr has nothing to do with numbers. It’s just another form of prejudice. It’s not that they’re not looking for another dad. That really goes without saying. Grindr is about a lot of things, but incest isn’t one of them. What they’re really saying is that older equals not hot, which is not only offensive, but it’s an urban myth. After all, have you seen Ryan Reynolds, 40, Ryan Phillippe, 42, Mahershala Ali, 42, Will Smith, 48, or Viggo Mortenson, 57, lately?
It’s one thing to look for a match who is close to your age because you’ll probably have more in common with him. But guys are constantly reminding me that Grindr is a hook-up app, not a match-making one. And so the implication of age restrictions, as with race restrictions, is that the prohibited group is unattractive: Yuck! Who wants to go to bed with someone like that?
The great thing about meeting guys online is that, unlike in a bar or club, if you don’t fancy a suitor, you can just ignore him. But, despite the higher likelihood of having to deliver an awkward rejection in a bar or club, no one walks around in public wearing signs that say “No Asians” or “No oldies.”
Related: Gay men, please stop using the term “BBC,” It’s racist, blogger says
Has the gay community been so overtaken by the “mean girls” mentality in the internet age that we can’t just ignore messages from people we don’t find attractive? Is it absolutely necessary to make pre-emptive strikes so that they won’t clutter our precious inboxes with yet another “Hi”?
There are a lot things that frustrate me about Grindr, but something I’ve always appreciated is that there’s no built-in way to specify race and age restrictions. Guys have to put those in themselves.
And if it’s important enough for you to include, this is one oldie-but-(alleged) hottie who won’t be biting the bait.
Jeremy Helligar is the author of Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World. You can tweet him @Theme4Gr8Cities
This article includes links that may result in a small affiliate share for purchased products, which helps support independent LGBTQ+ media.
Heywood Jablowme
Uh… wait a minute. You got offended when a twink wrote ‘no one over 30,’ but then he Grindr’d you anyway knowing you were over 40 and said he was making an exception for because you’re “hot.” Seems like a weird thing to get offended about.
But you’re also offended when they DON’T specify ‘no one over 30’ and then when you hit on them they’re not interested? Huh? Do you want them to write it, or not?
kiriakis1
I’m guessing reading is not your strong suit.
Heywood Jablowme
“So if it doesn’t matter, then why mention it? If you are going to bother putting age restrictions in your profile, if you are going to risk making any “oldie” who happens to read it feel inferior just so you can avoid having to hear from undesirables, shouldn’t you at least have the integrity to stick to your ageism?” That is his very next paragraph AFTER the young guy wants to have sex with him ANYWAY. That kid wasn’t being insulting at all, or even calling him a daddy. He still wanted to have sex. (Jeremy doesn’t actually tell us if he went through with it or not, but apparently not, because he was offended about… something.) Jeremy is all over the place here.
Godabed
You somehow missed the point, whether he chose to give details of whether he specifically hooked with that twenty something or not, is irrelevant. What he said specifically was that these types of people he ignores, or he engages them in their ignorant assumptions about age. The same with race, sometimes it’s interesting to see just where these people get these perceptions from, and just how dear they hold close these prejudice ideals.
I myself have talked to many racist men, who fetishize blackness, just to hear their justification as to why they think blackness is so great, or why they hate blackness altogether. Sometimes you get insight, sometimes you just hear the same stupid reasoning.
Heywood Jablowme
@Godabed: It’s irrelevant in the sense that we surely know the answer (he didn’t, because he was offended about… something.) It’s relevant in the sense that, until recently anyway, he WAS hitting on 20-something guys – the ones who didn’t specify ‘no one over __’ – and then getting offended when they rejected him.
I agree that they should simply have ignored him. But it’s not strange at all that most 20-somethings aren’t much interested in older guys. OR that some might make an occasional exception. Young people generally want to have sex within their own age group. (I sure did, in my twenties, and made the occasional exception.) That’s totally unremarkable. How does that equal “ignorant assumptions about age”? It’s not like race at all in that respect.
And of course, in case Jeremy is unaware of this, a subset of young guys really like older guys.
ChrisK
I understand their age restriction but discreetly relaxing it time to time. Like you don’t mind someone with a little junk in the trunk or football player build but some Orca Whale shows up one day. It’s hard to keep that door half open.
ChrisK
Yes. Being ostracized does suck. Especially when you don’t grow up and stop acting like a 20 something yourself. Not once did he bring up guys his own age. He’s obviously attracted to 20 somethings and how dare they not reciprocate.
I wonder how many guys he rejects because of their age too? Most young guys are pretty shallow, self centered, and attracted to guys there own age and that’s fine. You want maturity? Then grow the f*ck up yourself Peter Pan Boy and look at guys more appropriate.
ChrisK
He’s “mostly” attracted to 20 somethings.
1898
I’m inching closer to 40, and most of the “age discrimination” I see on these apps is from guys who are in their 40s, 50s, 60+ who will only talk to someone younger. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve clicked on the profile of a guy in his mid 40s, and his profile text says something along the lines of “looking for someone 18-30.”
I now get a lot more attention from younger guys than I ever did when I was their age. When I was in my early 20s, the vast majority interest/flirting/attention I received was from guys who really WERE old enough to be my dad, or even my granddad. Guys my own age wouldn’t give me the time of day. Now it’s the opposite. Apparently I’m catnip for the 18-25 group, but the 35-45 crowd won’t come near me.
It’s weird, but it is what it is, right? No sense in worrying too much about it.
For what it’s worth, I’m immediately distrustful of people who don’t list their age in their profile. Most of the time it means they’re either ashamed of it (which is sad and indicates a bigger problem) or they’re too young to be using the app (no thanks!).
JerseyMike
I know exactly what you are saying.. I’m a young guy magnet. I’m more attracted to men my age but they are chasing their sons and grandsons..
YogiPerogy
At 72 but still horny and looking for some fun, I know the ‘too old’ syndrome all too well!
I’d love to be of interest to men in their 50s but even that’s a stretch. Sadly, most men may age simply aren’t that appealing sexually, though they may be wonderful human beings. Guess I’m ageist too!!
mastik8
Worst of all, my jokes don’t land on young people. I was at a party around a pool, hereinafter referred to as a Pool Party, and made an Esther Williams joke that no one got. Didn’t know who she was. I mean really, if we’re going to entrust them with implementing the secret gay agenda of taking over the world shouldn’t we require a certain minimum in gay history?
davidjohng
I find interesting Jeremy’s introductory sentence…”at the risk of showing my age” in regards to complaining about ageism he’s experiencing. The phrase itself is ageist. And people ( some gay men to the max because of emphasis on the physical) have internalized it in regard to advancing age as if there is something wrong with being or growing older. It may be unconscious but it’s there. Perhaps Jeremy could help himself more effectively by being aware of his how HE regards ageing himself. Actually ageing is a good thing. People generally get more interesting with age.
1898
You hit the nail on the head.
Black Pegasus
@DavidJohnG – good assessment! He reminds me of the Black guys who whine about White men not dating them yet he also practices “exclusionary preferences” by refusing to date Black men as well. The irony lol
JerseyMike
I wish people would stop writing these articles about rejection. WE ALL DO IT!! Whether it race, looks, body size, d!ck size or age. I have rejected people for all of those reasons.. I am sure I have been rejected for all of those reasons as well.. Will not loose one ounce of sleep over it. Every person will have to deal with rejection sooner or later. Someone rejecting me for my age is fine with me.. I don’t date guys under 35.. Get hit on by them all the time.. A polite thank you but no thank you will do.
Bromancer7
OMFG are people still obsessing over this BS? People like what they like, and don’t like what they don’t like. Who gives a sh*t? Isn’t it better to know up front rather than get an immediate rejection or no response because you’re not what they’re looking for? It saves everyone time and energy. Unless you’re an insecure little snowflake, then you have to harangue about it endlessly.
Nothing has changed. Do you really think in the “olden days” before smartphones and online profiles, when we went to bars to find hookups people didn’t have the exact same “no no no no” criteria? Of course they did.
I’m so sick to death of all the “waaaahhh…why am I being ostracized!??!?!” Grow the f*ck up. Stop blaming your inability to get laid on people who don’t find you attractive and focusing on finding people that DO find you attractive.
Deanf
I couldn’t have said it better, I had an Asian guy accuse me of racism because I said he wasn’t my type.
I had to explain to him that my type is tall stocky and hairy, and that i’m not going to sleep with some one just to be politically correct.
Armiya
I’m 41 and I’ve never experienced outright ageism on an the apps I use. Maybe a joke here and there but then again not all the apps are as bad as Grindr, which seems to be the worst of them.
Manolete
I’m going to be 62-years-old this year and I grew up in the NYC Metropolitan area. The “mean girls” behavior is not a new phenomenon. It was evident in the gay circles I winessed when I came out in 1973. Prejudice has existed throughout history. Prejudice is ignorance of “the other.” We have to be vigilant and educate ourselves and others.
Evji108
I agree, bitchy mean queens are definitely not new. Too bad we don’t learn and evolve as a group.
Chris
I’ve encountered a wide range of age based “preferences” among gay folk: guys my age who are not interested in guys our age; younger (or older) guys who are interested exclusively in guys my age; and so forth. Yeah, it’s a confusing variety of people. But I try not to overthink it. I prefer to focus on the men who I do connect with.
lessthan
I have qualifiers in my profile. Most of them are related to fetishes that I’m not into, but age is in there too. I’m not there to date, I’m not looking to get to know you. I’m there to have sex. I won’t do some things during sex and there are some people I won’t have sex with. The qualifies are there to make that clear and there are more than a few.
I could tell guys that wouldn’t make the list that individually and more tactfully, but the qualifiers server a second and higher purpose. They are there to slow down just one type of person. The worst kind of person on those apps isn’t the slut-shamers, the photo-fishers, the puppet-masters, or the spammers, it is the guy who won’t take “No” for an answer. There is a type of guy who gets offended if you tell him that you aren’t interested. This guy can’t be pinned down by something a conventional as racism or ageism, because he transcends -isms. He can be black, white, Asian, Latino, or Eskimo. He can be 88 or 18. He can be fat, slim, pleasantly plump, or anorexic. The qualifiers don’t matter because the only constant thing about this guy is that he is an entitled asshole who thinks that, because he has shown an interest in you, you should be happy to slob on his knob.
When you say no, you get treated to harassment and grief till he gives up. Harassment, which can be a nasty message or two about how you’re the terrible person or weeks and months of escalating stalker behavior as reported on this very website. People are people. There may be a way to fix our culture so that entitled assholes are no longer created, but till then, it is best to have a way on hookup apps to only talk to people that you would be interested in having sex with. Then the situation never comes up. (There is the related situation of you-hooked-up-once-and-he-gets-pissed-when-you-don’t-want-a-second-round, but no system is perfect and I’m a pretty lousy lay anyway, so that situation doesn’t come up that often for me) I’m a huge fan of Scruff’s “Are you interested?” and Tinder’s swipes for the same reason.
So if someone’s profile disqualifies you, don’t take it as a personal rejection, take it as a sign that you weren’t going to get along, let alone get into their pants, and it saved you the time lost to trying.
MartyCares
In all fairness, most guys my age (50+) are not in the kind of shape most 20-somethings want to see in their beds. (Nor in my bed, for that matter). That aside, you are attracted to who you’re attracted to, which is never an excuse to throw kindness and civility aside.
surreal33
This article is comical. A man who goes to Grindr (or any other gay sex sites) and expects to be treated with respect has much bigger problems than ageism. Grindr and its ilk are cesspools of disease and deception ageism is the least of your worries.
itsmyhusbandandme
You’re only as old as the guy you feel. Which unfortunately makes me 42.
JP
itsmyhusbandandme.wordpress.com
trell
Not sure this will be a popular opinion, but here goes.
There is nothing wrong with expressing a preference to the type of person you want to sleep with!
Sorry, I accept that as a community, we do embrace a wide range of ages, races, body types and opinions. Yes, we do support diversity, and I’m all for that!
But lets face it. If you are looking for NSA sex on Grindr and you are looking for a particular kind of guy to hook up with, what is wrong with expressing a preference?
Yes, I also agree that using phrases like “No fats” “No Fems” “No oldies” etc. is insulting, and that a guy is more likely to get a positive result if they describe the type of guy they would like to meet, as opposed to the type of guy that they won’t, but the sort of person who uses “No ….” in his profile is going to get less hits anyway, even from guys who totally match his expectations.
Ultimately, though, it’s just an app. It is not the life-blood of the gay community, and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to get a head-check. I’d sooner go out, find a decent bar/club/sauna, and socialise. I’ve had more fun, made more friends, and had more satisfying encounters from doing this than from looking at a couple of blurred photos and responding to any number of “Hi”‘s from faceless profiles on these apps. – Also, by actually going out and socialising, you actually get to know the person a bit better, regardless of whether they are old/young, fat/thin, camp/butch and all the in-between. you might even surprise yourself by having some of the best sex you have ever had, with someone who you thought was the polar opposite of what you thought you wanted.
dustashed
My name is.. NO!
My sign is.. NO!
My number is.. NO!
You need to let it go
You need to let it go
Lol