If you were to ask a heterosexual person who the owner of Christmas is, they would name either Mariah Carey, Hallmark, or themselves. But Christmas is also kind of an asexual holiday, isn’t it?
Allegedly, Mary never had sex; and there’s no record of Christ ever marrying, either. So, unless the three wise men were secretly bestowing gifts of herpes upon each other, then none of the main characters of the Nativity Scene were sexually active.
But what if the three wise men were boning?
Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the controversial stuff, let’s talk about how Christmas was once a massive, Godless queer blowout full of alcoholism and unchecked cunnilingus.
Cut to: Ancient Rome.
In those days, Christmas was just a twinkle in the eye of DL Christians, who were violently oppressed at the time. Rather, the name on everybody’s lips was “Saturnalia,” a Pagan festival that praised Saturn, the god of agriculture.
While Saturnalia emerged from a one-day affair, it eventually grew into a weeklong sexfest that ran from December 17 to December 23. It was also quite inclusive. Though mainly a party, it also honored the contributions of society’s working class and enslaved people. It literally gave them a bigger piece of the pie for a week.
Oh, and it was also quite heteroflexible.
While Romans could be a bit squeamish about same-sex relationships between grown men, they generally abandoned this discomfort for Saturnalia. Instead, this festival aimed to emulate the queertastic parties of ancient Greece, and featured, in the words of one historian, “boys running naked through the streets, women dressed as men, masters of the house waiting on slaves, and an overabundance of wine, cunnilingus, and fruitcake.”
Sadly, as humanity closed out the 4th century, Saturnalia slowly receded into the past while It Boy Jesus Christ began to steal all the attention. Then, through a savvy combination of political maneuvering and appropriation of paganism, Christians transformed it into a completely new holiday, Christmas, that eventually dominated the zeitgeist. And lest Faith Hill suddenly enters the chat and screams, “Where are you, Saturnalia,” don’t worry. It’s here inside us: in evergreen wreaths, gift-giving, packed dinner tables, and candlelit altars. All of those started with a giant gay bender.
Oh, but speaking of Jesus Christ, he was probably gay, too.
Relax, it’s not just me. Many people have been theorizing this since as early as the 16th century.
Exhibit A: Kit Marlowe, one-time rival of William Shakespeare, attracted undue criticism after proffering a “Jesus is gay” theory in Elizabethan England. He was also allegedly murdered for it.
Exhibit B: Just 40 years prior, the same fate befell Francesco Calcagno, who lost his head after accusing Jesus of having a daddy-twink relationship with his disciple John.
But Marlowe and Calcagno had a point, and the proof is in the painting. In many depictions of the Last Supper, the disciple John is seen next to Jesus, resting his head on the latter’s breast. Additionally, in the Bible, Jesus beseeches his mother to adopt John into his family, betraying a, well, special love for the disciple.
All of this, combined with the unusual fact that Jesus was an unmarried Hebrew rabbi, was enough evidence for Hugh Montefiore, a bishop of Birmingham, to support the Gay Jesus theory in 1967, drawing the consternation of his fellow Christians.
But all of this pales in comparison to the dramatic 1960 discovery of a “Secret Gospel of Mark,” a lost (and possibly apocryphal) Bible verse that purportedly recounted an adult sleepover that Jesus had with a young man one fateful night:
“And after six days Jesus told him what to do, and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God.”
Ah yes, the “Mystery of the Kingdom of God.” My friend tried that in college and broke his finger.
Speaking of sex injuries, let’s not forget about the three wise men that I previously accused of bestowing herpes upon each other. While I’m unsure of the veracity of the herpes part, I’m almost positive that at least one of those guys was queer.
In her book Outing the Bible: Queer Folks, God, Jesus, and the Christian Scriptures, historian Nancy Wilson even theorized as much.
According to Wilson, in addition to having the very West Hollywood names of Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar, the three wise men were also understood to be “eunuchs,” which was a contemporary term for “yassified queer man slay the house down boots.”
Also, hel-ur, they were all wearing fabulous robes and had gone on a shopping spree for exotic spices just before their Best Mary’s baby shower. Gay! Manila Luzon, Peppermint, and Alaska deserve a Ph.D in History.
So, how would you answer the question of “who owns Christmas” now? Would you still say it’s Mariah Carey? Or, considering the fact that the Nativity Scene is essentially the first-ever meeting of the Bethlehem Gay-Straight Alliance, would you change your answer? Would you say that queers own Christmas? Before you answer, just remember: Jesus is watching. 👀
Related:
Guys list the gayest Christmas gifts they’ve ever given or received
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Mister P
Saturnalia sounds great. Let’s go back to that. A new old tradition.
COTTONTOP
Count me in!
DarkZephyr
“Before Jesus came ’round”, there was no Christmas.
“Then, through a savvy combination of political maneuvering and appropriation of paganism, Christians transformed it into a completely new holiday, Christmas, that eventually dominated the zeitgeist.”
I think trying to switch out a Pagan festival with a Christian one is more “replacing” or “supplanting” than “appropriating”, personally. Besides, Pagans don’t own the concept of utilizing equinoxes and solstices to decide the dates of major feast days.
ZzBomb
Well let’s start by dispelling the notion Jesus ever actually existed in the first place.
COTTONTOP
Exactly! And, if he did, he certainly wasn’t white and he’d be appalled at what people that call themselves christians do today.
missvamp
ty!! & if he did, he was Def gay. he hung out with all men. it was a gay posse ffs. 12 apostles- all queer. they totally overlooked that. why did judas betray him? he was jealous that he didn’t get that booty.
Kangol2
Except the historical Jesus of Nazareth is documented. He lived in Palestine in 1 CE, his life provided the foundation for what we know as Christianity, and his existence is recorded not solely in the Gospels and subsequent Biblical texts, but also by Josephus and Tacitus. Whether he did all the stuff claimed in the Bible is another matter.
ZzBomb
@Kangol
Problem is, the bible is not a historical text. There is no archeological evidence he ever existed. Nazareth wasn’t even a town or place back then, not until nearly 300AD. There is no Roman records of census being conducted and there wouldn’t had been any reason for people of the empire to travel some place to have it conducted (which historians have confirmed was done). There is also no mention of a prisoner exchange or crucifixion of anyone by that name despite the fact we have numerous documents relating to Herod and Pilot.
Jesus, objectively, never existed and a smattering of incongruent stories in a book that was conglomerated centuries after when the man supposedly lived isn’t proof.
still_onthemark
I highly recommend Gore Vidal’s novel “Julian” about the real-life emperor who tried to reverse the spread of Christianity and return the empire to paganism. I just bought one so I can reread it!
S.anderson
The author is obviously delusional, and uncreative. “Queers everywhere, throughout all time!” Naw, nobody identified as “queer” nor did deeds in the name of queerdom until these last 10-15 years when certain people began appropriating everyone else’s accomplishments and identities in it’s name. With a slowly metastatic infection reaching back to the end of the 80’s when the now-defunct “Queer Nation” movement burst into the public eye through the media and asserted that they’d gathered ’round all of the LGBT organizations and all agreed that the New Word was ‘queer’. Forcing their label upon other people whether they objected, or were never asked.
Bisexuality, or if you prefer; “lack of discrimination for the sex of one’s partner” has been documented as far back as records exist. So has relaxed sexual practices as a form of celebration. And cultures that were very different from our own which didn’t consider homosexual activity to even be worthy of a separate label. Modern Queerdom(TM) does not own these things though it insists on viewing everything through it’s rheumy yellow lens. The fact is, being something other than “straight” or “gay” is probably the actual human norm, so they weren’t strange, odd, or contrary to norms at all.
Now, if you’re going to talk of evidence for the attitude of Jesus and entourage toward vaguely hinted “alternative lifestyles” then let us consider the bible description of Jesus arriving at the house where the last supper took place. The door was opened by a male who was carrying a water vase. Carrying water was considered strictly women’s work. There’s not a ton that can be directly drawn from this, but the scribe made sure to record this little point, and it’s clear that Jesus and company had no problem with it. Assuming this represents Perfect Scripture, one might say that it was an attempt to set an example for all xtians.
dbmcvey
Queer Nation was started in the 90s, and it was commonly used well before that. You must be very young and uneducated about gay history.
S.anderson
@dbmcvey Come on. Late 80’s or March 1990, makes no substantive difference.
I was secretary of a college LGBT organization when the orders arrived to fall in line with QN’s narrative or be singled out as haters. I was kind of educated on gay history then, and I’ve kind of kept up to date since.
Sure, while the term “queer” was used prior to QN, it did not refer to QN or LGBT people. It was, what it remains to many people to this very day, a slur which diminishes one’s humanity by labeling them strange, odd or abnormal. So it’s no proof of ancient and enduring “queer identity” and “queer culture” ya boob.
dbmcvey
You said no one used “queer” until the last 10-15 years and that’s just not true.
S.anderson
@dbmcvey: The record contradicts your latest retort; “Naw, nobody identified as “queer” nor did deeds in the name of queerdom until these last 10-15 years”.
COTTONTOP
You’re out of your mind. A statement from a clearly self-loathing gay. Seek help
john.k
In more northerly climes there were also mid-winter festivals. The Druids of the Celts had such festivals to banish the mid-winter blues at the time of the winter solstice – hence the coloured lights to brighten things up.
Man About Town
Among many other gaffes, I sincerely doubt Kit Marlow said “Jesus was gay” since the word gay, in reference to sexuality, didn’t even come about until the 1920s.
But if this piece is intended to be satirical, it works, because much of it is quite funny.
SUPREME
people constantly ask if we should say MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS. what we should say is HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS.
ZzBomb
That’s just weird.
Den
Why would you wish happy birthday to a third person, not even present, as a holiday greeting? Perhaps we should also start referring to January 1st as “the Feast of the Circumcision of Jesus” which is exactly what it was referred to until around the 15th century. That would also have been when he was given his name.
MISTERJETT
@ZzBomb, why is that weird? you do know Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, don’t you? or do you know????? do people really not know what Christmas is all about? really??? show of hands – who has been to church lately? Christmas has always been a religious holiday.
ZzBomb
@misterjett
B/c Jesus never existed and sooner we shake people of this age old collective delusion the sooner humanity and can move on to greater things.
Happy Holidays
SoPluckyWhat
It’s always fascinates me that the three “Wiseman” are there at the birth, when their appearance isn’t even close to that date. They arrived a couple years later. It was then that Harrod got jealous and killed all the newborns. Why god allowed that is beyond me. Maybe god isn’t real!
Atlavocat
1) I remember getting into a fight with my neighbor when he called someone “queer”. We were both ten years old and that was sixty one years ago. So I know the word “queer” applied to Gays long before then.
2) You should check out “Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality” by John Boswell, he wrote a lot about the possible homosexuality of Jesus.
3) People who adamantly proclaim their belief in God and Jesus are really trying to convince themselves. If you do believe, then you don’t have to insist on converting others to your belief. Only those who are emotionally insecure fight so hard for their religion (every religion) because they really don’t believe it – deep down – themselves.
S.anderson
@Atlavocat: 1) That’s not evidence that people identified as “queer” nor that a “queer culture” existed, only that the word is a slur against homosexuals. The slur isn’t applied exclusively to homosexuals either. Anyone or thing “strange, odd, or contrary to norms”.
Bosch
Why does the word “queer” need to exist in the past for use to use in the present when describing the past? The word “electricity” also meant completely different things before the 18th century, that doesn’t mean that lightning used to be made of ectoplasm.
This isn’t about the temporal correctness of a definition, this about the fact that you don’t like the word “queer”. Just say that.
S.anderson
@Bosch: As you know, “queer” is a label that has recently been embraced as an identity by a few, and those few have militantly applied their chosen label to a billion people past, present and future, who were never given a chance to decide for themselves. And millions of people today who have considered the label and rejected it, and who remember history as it really was, and know that people throughout history were not champions of this new queer movement, have been hurt by this.
Those few who persist with their ‘queer gift’ are doing a disservice to LGBT people everywhere by practicing something fairly akin to misgendering them; forcing a term they consider appropriate upon those who do not identify that way. Whatever happened to LGBTQ people being free to express themselves as they truly are? Now we have a self-appointed “Queer Council” acting as police and gatekeepers, making sure that the Great Transition continues on schedule.
So NO, lots of people don’t like the label ‘queer’ and if you’re implying that there’s something wrong with them, or that they deserve a scolding for their “disloyalty”, then go pound sand. There’s nothing wrong with not liking the same things you like.
worship
Queerty does a dis-service to its readers by publishing utter rubbish about historical sexuality. It is simply imagined nonsense, like this piece.