A woman says she has long-known her boyfriend had a gay past. It didn’t used to bother her, but lately it’s all she can think about, so she’s seeking help from advice guru Dear Deidre.
“My partner insists that he is not gay but he has admitted to having had sex with another man before we became a couple,” the woman writes.
She goes on to explain that they’re both in their early 30s now and have been dating for just over a year, though they’ve been friends since their mid 20s.
“Before we got together, he would tell me all about his various sexual escapades, and they were not generally things I would do,” she writes. “He had joined a swingers site to find women for sex and he also had sex with another guy.”
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She says this didn’t bother her at the time, but now that they’re officially a couple, it’s an issue.
“He treats me very well, but every time we have sex I can’t help but imagine him having sex with a man,” she writes.
“Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.”
In her response, Deidre informs the woman that “most people are neither entirely gay or entirely straight” and that a lot of people experiment, especially when they’re in their 20s.
“It is not so very unusual to have tried out a same-sex encounter at some point in life,” she writes, adding, “but it doesn’t sound as though you have explored this issue very fully since you got together as a couple.”
Deidre goes on to say that if she wants the relationship to work, she’s going to need to address the issue with her boyfriend so she can better understand it.
“The way he would explain it to a friend is probably quite different from the sort of reassurances he would give a partner,” she says. “Brushing it under the carpet clearly isn’t working for you, so you must raise it with him.”
“But,” she adds, “best not at an intimate moment.”
What advice would you give this woman? Sound off in the comments section below…
Cam
““He had joined a swingers site to find women for sex and he also had sex with another guy.”””
__________________________
If the guy was open about having sex with a guy, and was on a swingers site trolling for women AFTER he had sex with the guy. He sounds much more like he’s experimental and horny, not gay.
She sounds like she’s self sabotaging, looking for a problem. He might want to find someone new.
James123
Men at swinger’s clubs are often looking for sex with another man but do not want to come out as being gay.
irenebwebb
This easy job just by giving this job only 2 to 3 hrs a day using my laptop. Everybody on this earth can now get this job and start making more cash online just by follow instructions on this web page…? 6.gp/a738e
Tempus
Well, seems like her main issue is that she’s homophobic. I mean she doesn’t say she’s worried that he’ll cheat on her with a guy, that he’s secretly gay, or anything like that rather she claims she feels sick whenever she finds herself thinking about him having sex with a guy. That’s just sad or pathetic depending on how you look at it.
Kangol2
She’s homophobic and biphobic. She especially seems a bit obsessed with his one–known to her–gay hookup, and if she can’t let it go, they should part ways because she’ll stay miserable and obsessed, no matter how much he tries to reassure or placate her.
inbama
So I can call any man who doesn’t want to have sex with me “homophobic?”
Can women call gays “misogynistic” because we aren’t attracted to them?
It seems all this condemnation is getting out of hand. Charges of discrimination need to stop at the bedroom door.
Kangol2
@inbama, can you read? She’s homophobic and biphobic because she is fixated on his same-sexual past experience (however many times it happened, even if it was just once), to the point of “feeling sick,” not because of her choice in not having sex. In fact, if you read the story, they are having sex. Did you not grasp this basic fact? Do you even understand what homophobia is? Do you become physically nauseated at the thought of having sex with women? Other men? Do you even grasp how extreme a psychological response that is?
inbama
She states her boyfriend’s sex life did not bother her in the past, but has now become a fixation that is destroying their relationship. Is she emotionally or mentally ill? Or has she fallen out of love with him and her mind is creating an excuse? Is there something about her boyfriend that makes her think he will ultimately leave her for a man? There are all sorts of possibilities. Instead of writing to an advice columnist, she should see a therapist to help her sort all this out.
Had she been homophobic or biphobic, the two would never have become friends in the first place, so it’s very unlikely that is the issue.
Just because someone doesn’t see an issue through your overly simplistic homophobic/biphobic lens doesn’t mean they “can’t read” or “grasp a fact.” Saying such things only serves to make you sound shallow, ignorant, highly immature and incapable of nuanced thinking.
pharaon.em.joe
My advise for her is to give me his phone number.
ScottOnEarth
Serious LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
marion
She can’t stop thinking about her boyfriend being gay, and Graeme can’t stop thinking about straight guys being gay.
Ryan99
I strongly encourage her to leave him. He’s too good for her crazy, hung up shit.
WSnyder
He was her friend before her lover. He was telling her about his sex life before they became lovers. She knew all about him before becoming involved. Some women would envy her for having that much info on the guy they were dating. Sounds like he hid nothing and has been totally open. {Of course we only know what she’s told us, so this is solely based about her account given here.] This is TOTALLY on her. There is NO reason she needs to speak to him to get clarity. She needs help and I doubt it will do anything for her. He can’t undo his past and there’s no reason HE has to justify or clarify why he did what he did. She needs to be honest and separate from him and tell him why. He may be hurt but if this relationship goes further, it may hurt more down the road. I say good luck gurl, it’s all on you. You’ll likely never find a better guy being open and honest with you and you f*cked it up.
nunya
She needs to let him go. She’ll only make him miserable.
Paulie P
A male friend of mine is into BDSM and goes to parties here in the city to meet other woman into that… there are other men at these parties… doing the same thing he is… does he fool around with them, no.. but is he is in the same room yes.. are there groups session yes… have he given a guy a handy he won’t say b ut really who cares…
James123
I have never heard of a man who used to be gay. It simply does not work that way. This woman is at high risk of contracting HIV and other STI’s and she should get the hell out of that relationship ASAP.
OberonOZ
Well if you had actually read the article, he never said he was gay. It’s not like he was once gay and is now straight to be with her. The man has had one admitted gay experience. He has never identified as being anything other than straight. So, no need to worry about him not being gay anymore. Nor is there any need for your somewhat hysterical (borderline homophobic) suggestion about HIV either. There is nothing in the article to suggest that he has EVER been unfaithful to her – all the sexual experiences were before they were a couple AND she knew all about them – so there is no way for him to catch, let alone spread, HIV or any other sexually transmissible diseases.
And yes, she IS being homophobic. It never worried her before they were a couple. NOW she, for some reason, cant get a one-time experience that her boyfriend had before they were a couple out of her head when they are having sex. Girl has issues!
James123
And no she is not homphobic. More than half the HIV population globally is now women and how do you suppose the women contracted the virus?
Cam
Drugs and heterosexual sex.
trsxyz
Obviously they need to talk about this… a lot… But it sounds like she may never get over this. In which case please let him go.
Josh447
Now Graham, when you wrote these stories the correct term is that he had sex with a man, not “another man”. Big difference. Just say he had sex with a man. The end.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Put a strap-on and STFU …..
ScottOnEarth
What good will talking about it do? She can’t change the past and he owes her no apologies. She needs to get over herself or move on because she clearly doesn’t love him enough to fully accept him.
Donston
She could be male homophobic or unnecessarily paranoid. But these are still her feelings. If I wanted to date a guy who had a problem with my experiences with females or with me not being a homo then that would be that. We can talk about experimentation, fluidity, maintaining an open mind and the romantic, sexual, philic spectrum. But people don’t automatically change their principles nor do people easily get rid of insecurities or skepticism. It’s likely best for the both of them to move on, unless she really loves this dude and wants something serious and long-term. What is surprising is that she was initially cool with it then became more anxious. She needs to ask herself why that happened.
Michael1500
Seriously, what does this woman expect of this man? She goes into this relationship with open eyes and knowing what and who he is, knows his history, so wtf? If you make the “grown-up” decision to buy a chicken dressed like a cowboy, you’d better be ready to deal with the chicken part of it when the cowboy outfit is removed. This woman obviously wants this man to keep the cowboy outfit on at all times.
Creamsicle
If you feel disgust during sex, then the relationship will never work. Break up and work on figuring out who gay sex causes such a viscerally hateful reaction.
This is what bi and pansexual men fear; that any deviation from 100% masculinity and heterosexuality will disqualify them sexually and romantically in the eyes of women. This attitude in hetero women is the source of a lot of homophobia.
I am friends with several bi and pansexual men who are extremely hesitant to be open about it, and most of them are only out to a handful of people. They have told me that they are often jealous of me as a gay man, because at least I don’t need to deal with women’s reactions to their gay experiences, along with male biphobia. Lots of gay guys won’t date bi men because they fear that they’ll abandon them and decide to live an easier hetero life.
jackmister
Run away.
radiooutmike
He could be bi, but his orientation is neither here nor there.
She falling into the trap of, what if he wants what I can’t give him? Frankly, he should dump her. The guy was comfortable with his sexuality to tell her these things. So, he was honest. And she sounds like a head case. A lot of woman do get like this if you mention anything non-heterosexual in your history.
She now is probably dissecting his every action and movement to sniff out the gay.
Troysky
@radiooutmike ….exactly. Exactly.
startenout
And she knew about this well before they started dating when they were just friends! So not only was this years ago, but she knew about it before developing a romantic interest and now wants to make him the problem. She sucks.
Me2
Sounds like she was never ok with it, she just ignored it and now her true feelings are bubbling to the surface. I applaud him for his honesty, but many women would have a problem with this. And there are some who wouldn’t. She probably should do him a favor and let him go, because this will always bother her.
startenout
Right?!? She knew about it when they were just mates and decided to get romantic and jump in with him anyway, but has a problem with it now. She’s broken.
startenout
Then break up, Karen, because you’re the problem, not him. He was honestly talking about having experimented once BEFORE you started dating when you were just friends, THEN you decided you wanted to date him and NOW you can’t cope? Yeah that’s your mental deficiency. Bye, girl. All you’re teaching men is to never be honest with their partners.
happy2gether
If she really loves him it is silly to worry. Unless of course, he’s a big ole bottom?
Barring that eventuality, she probably just needs to work on her self esteem through personal improvement. Just buy a case of Popsicles, dear. And get to work!