There’s no shame in being a slut, of course, but some gays just want one true love—including some who sowed their wild oats and some who never did. Others are ready for long-term non-monogamy with a special someone or special someones.
In a 2016 study, researchers Lanz Lowen and Blake Spears found that 90 percent of single respondents were seeking monogamous relationships and that both monogamous and non-monogamous couples “can have enduring, healthy, and happy relationships.”
And on Reddit recently, community members of the r/askgaybros subreddit explained their motivations for LTRs after one user asked them why they keep committing to a serious relationship.
Check out what commenters said below.
“I had my slut phase when I was younger. It was all right while it lasted, I guess. But now I am no longer interested in meaningless sex. I want a connection, and I want my life partner. I’ve been with my boyfriend for [around] 1.5 years and have never been happier. So much more fulfilling than just hooking up or sleeping around.”
“As much as hookups are genuinely great, I would rather be in a relationship, which I currently am. I won’t replace my boyfriend to have sex with a hot daddy or hot twink. Cuddles, holding hands, and having someone you can trust [are] worth a lot to me.”
“I’ve been with my now-husband for nine years, married three years ago. I’ve never really enjoyed hookups and never really had a slut phase. I always enjoyed the sense of trust, friendship, and partnership that comes with being in a relationship. Even sexual intimacy (for me) feels that much more meaningful when I feel like I know and care for the person in and outside the bedroom.”
“Love. Daily joy. Laughter. His love for me. My love for him. His care for me. His cooking. He lets me explore his body. I love making him moan and writhe. Waking up in the morning in a tangle of arms and legs. We take time for a quick hug and cuddle several times during the day. (We work from home.) We make a great team. We’re an interesting couple to be friends with. I cannot imagine life without him.”
Related:
Gay guys explain why they choose open relationships
Some of us are monogamous, some of us are monogam-ish, but honesty is always the best policy in a relationship.
“Because my only real goal is to have someone special to grow old with. I have no interest in hookups or promiscuity, and I think there’s no lower form of scum than cheaters. And I definitely could not handle an open relationship. Long term monogamy sounds great to me, thank you very much.”
“My husband is a great guy; he’s an absolute joy to be with. Plus, he’s super hot. Makes it easy to stay committed.”
“I never felt a connection to meaningless sex, even as a horndog teenager. I’ve always craved love, intimacy, and friendship in a relationship more than the sex.”
“Consistency. When I’m happy, sad, mad, and in the complete wrong, Jordy treats me the same. With unconditional love. He handles himself so well, lol. He’s a little older, and I appreciate that he gives me the grace to learn from my ridiculous behavior. We’ve been together for six years, and if the script were to flip, I’d definitely step up to the plate for him.”
“I’ve never been into hookups. But I’ve been with my partner for almost 20 years now, and I can’t imagine my life without him. We don’t need to talk to understand each other. We are comfortable [talking] about any subjects and [trying] new stuff. Lots of cuddles and [attention]. We share lots of hobbies together. He’s always supportive and never judges me. And the list could go on and on.”
“I was raised by my grandparents, who were married for over 50 years. They had the most beautiful, healthy, supportive relationship you can imagine. That is what I want for myself.”
Related:
Gays who met their partners offline & not on an app describe those meet-cutes
Remember what it was like to meet a guy in real life and not on an app?!
FreddieW
So the summary answer to the headline is love and companionship, not sex. Sex is great, but it’s not the glue of a lasting relationship.
gymnofrater
One of the reasons that younger gay men may seem like they’re more into monogamy is because older gay men are much more aware of how a relationship can flourish on the terms of the people involved rather than still common societal expectations. My husband and I have been together for 28 years. 28 years. Your respondents would not have qualified for your survey if they were much older than that. Because I (the younger) was 29 at the time and had experience with relationships and my partner (43 at the time) also had long term experience with relationships, we knew what our options were. Although we have grown together over almost three decades, we have never been under the illusion that sexual fulfillment is what keeps people together. Love and relational skills are. And relational skills must include being honest about (a) finding other people attractive, and (b) figuring out what relational configuration works for you. Not your grandparents of 50 years. For you and the one you want to spend 28 years with (as I have and hope for a couple of decades more).
Steve9999
1) Who the hell selected THAT photo to use as the article image? Those two aren’t old enough to be “long term humans,” let alone in a long-term relationship.
2)The person that wrote “Ive been in a relationship for 1.5 years and could not be happier. 18 months??? WTF?? That’s NOT a “long term” relationship unless all of your other relationships have been 1 week or 1 day!
Come back and reply when you’ve been a monogomous, loving relationship for 31 years like I have.
Ugh.
Jaesly
Young people can have opinions too. And I say this as a 56-year-old man. It’s not a competition, or maybe it is for you. To each his own, I guess.
tristanrobin
I’ve been in two long term relationships. My first when I was 20 lasted for 27 years, and my (current) second relationship is in it’s 23rd year now. I’ve been so fortunate to have had two of the most terrific guys in my life who have both been smart, funny, successful, interested in the same things as me, and hot & sexy as all get out! I can’t imagine how lonely and adrift I would feel (personally) if I were on my own and just hooking up night after night – year after year. I know that for some that is the only way to live – and more power to them! – but ease, comfort, familiarity, reliability, shared goals and accomplishments, pride in each other and care for each other all make the physical side of the relationship even more powerful and exciting and fulfilling.
I also have to agree wholeheartedly with gymnofrater and Steve9999 above – their observations are spot on target!
MISTERJETT
finding someone whose priority is being at home with you is easier said than done. trust me, i know.
GlobeTrotter
I know two gay couples that are in long term marriages, one for over 30 years and the other for over 15 years, and THEY BOTH credit their longevity to their decision to have an open marriage. Each partner is free to sleep with whomever he wants, but they remain very loyal and devoted to each other. The couple that I’m closer to even has monthly sex parties complete with sling hanging in the living room and each of them has their own hook-ups on Grindr or guys that they pick up at at parties, etc. For middle aged guys they have the sex lives of teenagers, yet they love each other and remain slavishly devoted to each other.
Some years ago a hook-up went wrong when one member of the couple brought home a guy that eventually fell in love with him and tried to break up the marriage. All his efforts were in vain however as he faced a united front and was reminded in no uncertain terms that this was a fool-proof marriage for life.
They tell me it’s IMPOSSIBLE for gay men to have long-term monogamous relationships and that they’re just adapting to the reality of marriage with twice the amount of testosterone. I myself make no judgment, just putting this information out there…
dbmcvey
I’ve been in a long term relationship (together for 26, married 10) and we are monogamous. It was more important to him than to me but that is why I’ve stayed monogamous.
I know couples who have been together for a long time who were in open relationships but that was decided when they got together.
I’ve never seen a relationship last when they opened the relationship because one of the parties wanted it after they’d been together for some time. That has always been the death knell.
bachy
I am currently single, but whenever I’ve been in a relationship it has been monogamous. I tend to believe that some people are naturally monogamous, while others are not. Key is finding someone who has a relationship style similar to your own: someone naturally monogamous or naturally polyamorous. You can’t force someone to be something they are not, especially when it comes to sex and desire.
Also helps to fcuk your partner so much that they don’t have any energy for someone else.
winemaker
Bottom line whan you’ve been together for a long time and although you have your differences and arguments you stay together and work things out. That ‘s what most rational adults do unless there are issues like cheating, lying, theft etc. that betray trust. They say the grass is always greener on the other side but is it really. In the long run how many of us are tired of meaningless hookups which leave you unfulfilled and lonely only to repeat the same thing over and over? If the ststistics on this were out, there would me lots of us who feel this way. Sometimes it’s better being alone rather than dealing with liars, loosers, fakes and flakes.
powersthatbe
It comes down to respect. For yourself and your partner(s).
Accept the love you deserve, not what you think you deserve.
Do not ignore red flags. You know in your heart what makes a person good, and be true to that human being inside you who knows what is right and what is wrong.
This my advice, for what it’s worth. Being in a long term relationship or not doesn’t make you an authority on this. There is no right or wrong here, only opinion. This is mine.
Good luck, and don’t eff it up.
KellyRobinsonJr
In any long-lasting relationship, prioritize forgiveness—it opens the door to endless possibilities. The bedrock of my 35-year relationship is rooted in the force of forgiveness and the art of letting go of minor disagreements. It is a liberating experience for the mind. And, jealousy and suspicion act as a wedge that drives people apart. Free your mind by letting go of trivial jealousy and allow love to occupy the empty space.
bachy
Oh wow, I love this! Please comment more often!