Help! My partner & I decided to open up our relationship, but we can’t agree on our third

Hi Jake,

My partner and I have been talking about bringing a third person into the bedroom for a while. We hit our five year mark recently and decided to finally give it a try. Both of us were excited, as it seemed like the next logical step in our sex life as a couple.

You wouldn’t think it would be that complicated, except apparently we both have completely different ideas about who this guest should be. He likes more nerdy, talkative, twink types, and I’m more into brooding, mysterious, “manly” men.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Anyway, we’ve talked about the various people we know in our lives who might be good candidates to approach, but every time I suggest someone, he is vehemently against him, and vice versa.

Last weekend, we decided to go out to the bars and point out guys we both might be into. Every time I pointed to someone, he’d “veto” my pick, and when he’d suggest someone, I had no interest in his choice either. It was almost comical.

At this point, I’m not sure what we should do. We both clearly want to explore together, but are not on the same page about who to do it with.

Apple to His Orange

Dear Apple to His Orange,

Couples aren’t always on the same page, and in fact, can’t always be. After all, you’re two individual people, and it would be impossible to always be in agreement about every little thing (at least not without some major codependency issues). That said, being apples and oranges can create some roadblocks… especially when you’re both seeking a banana.

You’re not alone in navigating the challenges that come along with opening up a relationship, including how to select the lucky test subject. In fact, we recently witnessed another couple figuring out that process on Peacock’s streaming hit ‘Couple to Throuple’, who just like yourselves, built a strong base, and were eager to explore. If there’s one thing we learned from Ashmal and Rehman, jealousy can sour a connection, so you’ll want to keep that in mind as you carefully make your choice.

Here’s the good news: you clearly have a strong, solid relationship if you’ve been able to navigate being together for half a decade. During that time, I have no doubt there’s been some difference of opinions, yet somehow you were able to work through those and stay together.

I would invite you to think about some of the ways you’ve disagreed in the past, and remember how you ultimately got through them. Then channel that same sort of energy into who makes a guest appearance in the bedroom.

In some situations, one of you may decide the “win” is not that important, and you’re okay conceding to the other. In others, you might want to stand up more for yourself. During some strifes, negotiation may be warranted. Maybe you meet halfway, or maybe you decide there’s simply no compromise and you pivot in a different direction.

How exactly does this look in your current situation?

Well, what if instead of picking your “10” for the bedroom, who your husband says is a “3”, you both agree to meet in the middle, and take home a “5”? Or, what if you allow your partner to pick the guest for the first time, with the agreement that next time is all you?

No matter what, you’ll want to discuss what the strategy is, so that you’re both on the same page before moving forward. If there are unspoken resentments, that can only create jealousy, like it did for Ashmal and Rehman, or potentially even cause one of you to shut down physically or emotionally before the grand event.

Remember, opening up your sex life is meant to add something to your relationship, not take something away. If it’s feeling icky, take a moment to pause and reflect, until a compromise is reached. I have faith that you’ll figure things out, just as you have about many other things in the past.

As for the lucky contenders, may the odds be ever in their favor!

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.