Just look at the sorry state of the American educational system! Apparently, we have failed our children so miserably that they don’t even know what porn is.

When Texas A&M hosted a safe-sex seminar during national GLBT Health Awareness Week, a group of conservative college students had the brilliant idea of sneaking a hidden camera into the seminar to create their own bootleg version. They recorded an instructor explaining, in the most un-titillating and clinical of terms, how to safely penetrate a butt. Here it is:

That was apparently more than conservative student leader Justin Pullman could bear. “We had no idea there would be pornographic videos and new sex acts,” Pulliam said.

Oh Justin. Poor sweet cherubic Justin. Pornographic videos are videos that you masturbate to. Did you masturbate to the video of a lady doctor describing how to penetrate a man’s ass? That’s adorable. Keep doing that. We’re so glad you’ve found some “new sex acts” that make you happy.

But at any rate, when you use the word “pornography,” we don’t think that word means what you think it means. Simply talking about sex or taking off one’s clothing does not a pornograph make. Unless, of course, you consider medical textbooks to be pornographic, and the act of taking a shower to be gross indecency.

And if you’re still confused, allow us to recommend you make an appointment with Jonathan Coopersmith. He’s a history professor at your very own university who’s been studying porn for years. We’re sure he can help you clear up your confusion.

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