I recently learned my ex is into a bizarre fetish. How am I supposed to take this?

Hi Jake,

I recently learned some new, unflattering details about my ex-BF. We broke up in June after four years together (two years too many). Since then, I’ve heard from more than one person that he’s been pretty active on the apps these days… hooking up, going to sex parties, hosting orgies, etc.

Whatever, I can deal with that. But I’ve also heard that apparently he’s into some really freaky stuff, including… knife play?? I didn’t even know that was a thing until someone mentioned it to me. He and I never did anything like that when we were together, and he definitely never expressed any interest in knives. If he had, I probably would’ve freaked out.

I know he’s my ex, and it doesn’t matter, but when I learned about the knife thing, it gave me a really creepy feeling. Who was I dating all those years? Was I unsafe?? And what exactly does he like doing with these knives???? We haven’t seen each other since we broke up, but I know we’ll run into one another sooner or later since we have a lot of the same friends. I don’t know how I’ll handle it knowing he has this shocking fetish that he kept from me for so long.

Knives (Not) Out

Dear Knives (Not) Out,

This is a good reminder that no matter how well we think we know someone, we will never know everything.

Even in a relationship where you share intimate conversations, experiences, and even maybe the same physical space, it’s impossible to be privy to every single thought, fantasy, desire, or even sexual craving going on in someone else’s head. The hope is that with open communication and dialogue you can try to share as much with each other as possible, but clearly, some things get… cut.

If the rumors are true, it seems like your ex’s libido is in overdrive, and you might never really know what’s behind that. Perhaps he’s in a lot of pain from the breakup, and he’s using sexual gratification as a coping mechanism. Maybe he now feels a newfound freedom to explore without inhibition the things that arouse him—matters which, for reasons unknown, he might not have felt comfortable discussing with you.

Ironically, sometimes it’s easier to show the more kinkier sides of ourselves to a stranger on a hook-up app, than to reveal them to our own partner. If you think about it, there’s less to lose.

If our partner judges us for that, we might feel a lot of shame, and fear that they may not accept us fully, or even break up with us. With a hook-up, you’ve probably already pre-screened the situation, and both parties know what they are getting into.

If your ex had whipped out a pocket knife during sex, or even floated the topic to you, it sounds like that might have bothered you. Now, he may feel free to let his freak flag fly, without the fear of shame or judgment.

For the record: Usually, while knife play can walk a fine line in terms of how dangerous it is, it doesn’t usually involve actual injuries or pain. So, even if your boyfriend secretly wanted to do that with you, you probably wouldn’t have been in any actual danger. It’s not usually about wanting to hurt someone.

According to Wikipedia:

Knife play is a form of consensual BDSM edgeplay involving knives, daggers, and swords as a source of physical and mental stimulation. Knives are typically used to cut away clothing, scratch the skin, remove wax after wax play, or simply provide sensual stimulation. Knife play can also be a form of temperature play or body modification.

It sounds like your ex may like engage in his dark side, but the best approach if you run into him is to remember that his current sex life is not really any of your business, and it has nothing to do with your past together.

I would encourage you to try your best in any future relationships to create a space for open and honest communication, without judgement, so that your partner can feel safe to talk about their kinks. Just because he shares them doesn’t mean you have to engage in them. You always get a say in things too.

And when you do see Mr. Knife-boy himself, I’d keep your knowledge about his private life, and your feelings about it, private. Let him do his thing and you do yours. You don’t really have a stake (knife) in the matter anymore.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.