I’m a moderate gay Republican & I feel like I’m in the closet around my liberal friends. What should I do?

Hi Jake,

I recently relocated to a new city for work, and have had to rebuild my social circle. For the most part, I like my new friend group. They’ve been super welcoming, and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with them… except when they talk about politics.

They are all very liberal. That’s fine. I believe everyone is entitled to their own political beliefs and opinions. That said, I consider myself more moderate/conservative (just to be clear, I am NOT a MAGA Republican and am appalled by that faction of my party).

How about we take this to the next level?

Subscribe to our newsletter for a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.

Daily

Weekly

Every time we go out as a group, either to the bar or a party or some sort of event, the conversation inevitably turns to politics. Someone will bring up current events, or the election, and pretty soon that’s all anyone wants to talk about for the rest of the night. From there it usually becomes a Republican pile-on, where they just make sweeping, sometimes really offensive generalizations about all conservatives. I usually keep my mouth shut when this happens.

I don’t feel comfortable speaking up because I’m new to the group, and because I know I’ll be totally outnumbered. Plus, if they knew I’m a Republican they might not want to be my friend anymore. That said, I also don’t agree with a lot of what they say, especially when they call all Republicans hateful, selfish, racist, homophobic, uneducated, etc.

The irony to all of this is that they consider themselves “open-minded” when in reality they’re just as blind to certain things as the group they criticize (for some reason they don’t seem to see it that way).

Politics aside, I really do like them all and want to keep being friends. But part of me feels like I’m back in the closet and can’t tell them I don’t agree with all their beliefs. What’s the best way to address this?

Quiet Conservative

Dear Quiet Conservative,

The world is extremely divided right now, especially when it comes to politics.

With social media feeding us content that often only fortifies our personal views, it seems like people are becoming more and more entrenched in their beliefs, making sweeping generalizations about “the other side.”

The fact is, politics involves nuance. There are many factors at play in our governing bodies, from social issues to economic challenges to international diplomacy. Regardless, people tend to take a hard stance, leaving little room for discourse. Considering that our rights are affected by what happens in government, it’s not surprising LGBTQ+ people feel particularly strongly.

A year ago today, there were literally 650 anti-LGBTQ bills targeting our community, in 46 states, with some calling it a “war on our existence.” As of today, the ACLU is tracking 484 anti-LGBTQ bills in the U.S. Even though not all of these will become law, they are all threats to our freedom, and attacks on queer people. Almost all of these have been introduced by conservative or Republican lawmakers, so hopefully you can see why this topic is so charged with your friends.

That said, even though the general consensus is that liberal politics are more aligned with gay rights, that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone who leans more conservative is a monster.

Sadly, radicals like Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Matt Gaetz have taken the GOP in an extreme direction, so it’s easy to want to dismiss conservative thinking as a whole. But having a rigid “us vs. them” mentality is never useful, considering we need to actually hear each other out in order to engage in the governing process.

Often times, if someone agrees even slightly with the “other side,” people automatically think they’re betraying their community. Feeling like an outcast can be hard, especially when you’re trying to fit in to a new group of friends. It might feel like the best thing to do is just stay quiet, so you don’t make yourself a target, but you probably know from previous experience that hiding in the closet is never a recipe for success.

Instead, I’d try to gravitate towards the friends who you know are going to listen and respect you, even if they don’t 100% agree. True friends should be mature enough to at least hear what you have to say. Sure, if it’s a “Republican pile-on”, that may not be the best time to pick your battle, but you may find opportunities for healthy conversations in smaller groups, or in one-on-one conversations.

At the end of the day, politics can be a heated and tricky subject to navigate, but more-evolved peers should be able to hear you out, without immediately rejecting you or making you feel isolated. And if the group pile-ons get uncomfortable, it’s certainly your right to remove yourself.

If that doesn’t work, you can always pivot the conversation to something else just as controversial, but slightly less charged, RuPaul’s Drag Race. 🙂 Republican or Democrat, we all know who should have won this week’s lip sync!

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.