Hi Jake,
I am a 55-year-old man, living in Atlanta, Georgia, dating a 27-year-old man. We are both cool with the age difference, and I rarely even think about it. I find him to be very mature for his age. We have amazing conversations, and I never feel he is “too young” to understand the subject matter. Additionally, we are an inter-ethnic couple. Again, we are both consenting adults and haven’t given it a thought.
Last weekend, we were out and having a great time, but kept getting attitude and comments thrown our way about our differences. My question is, why can’t people accept that we are together and happy? Why must I hear, “he wanted a sugar daddy and got one”, and be told I am “feeding my fetish for young, black men”. It is really tiring to be hearing this in 2021 and in Atlanta of all places.
Minding the Gap
How about we take this to the next level?
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Dear Minding the Gap,
The short answer here is: Stop caring what other people think about your relationship! It seems like you’re both happy. And the fact that you don’t think twice about him being young, or him being black, probably means those factors aren’t an issue for you. The concern seems to only have been planted in your brain by outside haters.
Age is different for everyone. It’s more important to evaluate things like how a person makes you feel and if you are able to meet each other’s emotional and physical needs than what songs were playing on the radio the year they were born.
We’ve all seen the 59-year old at the club still going hard on molly, afraid to let the party end. Or, we’ve seen a 21-year old wise beyond his years, giving you the most mature advice about how to not engage with a toxic ex. You can be “young” but connect more to older people, or vice versa, depending on your level of emotional maturity, life experience, and ability to be introspective through things like therapy.
When it comes to ethnic differences, again, it’s about whether or not you can connect that is most important. We are often attracted to certain types of physical characteristics in our partners, for whatever reason, and that’s okay. It’s what you do with it that matters.
If you have a different cultural experience in the world than your partner, it’s up to you to get to know them fully, learn about where they come from, what it’s like facing oppression, etc. If you find all of that isn’t important to you, and you’re only interested in the person sexually, then maybe I’d have some concern that it might be a fetish. But if you’re attracted to them physically and also want to connect with them on a deeper, more emotional level, it moves out of the fetish category, because your partner is not just an object to you. You appreciate the whole person, inside and out.
At the end of the day, you’re content and enjoy being together. So who cares what anyone else thinks? People tend to put judgments on what they see based on broad, generalized stereotypes because it helps them make sense of the world. Next time you’re out and someone makes a rude comment about you guys, I say give your boyfriend a big kiss right then and there. Show them what they’re missing!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
G-Man
Exactly, forget what the haters are saying most of them are probably jealous.
mark2029
No not a fetish than guys who date plus size women or old men who date young girls or those who date latinos or asians. We live in a free world.
Kangol2
If this White man into this one Black guy, it’s not a fetish, unless he’s fetishizing the young man’s Blackness, race, etc. If they both are happy as an intergenerational, interracial couple, go on about their business and tell the haters to bite. And yes, they’re an interracial couple. Interethnic would be a German American and a Italian-Irish American (both White, different ethnicities), or an African American and a Nigerian immigrant (both Black, different ethnicities), etc.
Liquid Silver
Who cares? Ignore the haterz and run with it. News flash: you’ll find haters no matter who you are and what you’re doing. Toxicity is everywhere, even trying to call you out on not being pure enough.
Enjoy yourself and have fun.
Cam
The headline seems off. The person writing in didn’t ask if he had a fetish, he was pointing out that when he and his boyfriend go out they get some attitude from other people. A totally different thing than the headline.
As for the questioner, If you both get along and are happy, don’t worry about it.
Kangol2
The headline definitely sensationalizes the story, I guess to provoke comments. The trolls haven’t appeared yet, though, which is refreshing.
Chrisk
I wouldn’t bat an eye at a 27 yo with a 55 yo. Maybe the black guy looks younger or the people making the comments are racist. Seems harsh for strangers to make fun of them.
Then again if he’s targeting black twenty somethings it could just mean people know about his fetish. Like allot of gay men he could have the peter pan syndrome. They don’t want to grow up so they try to date guys half their age or worse.
Dymension
To each his own. I never set out to find a dark skinned Dominican. He just found me.
ShowMeGuy
At the end of the day, if you’re White…… you’re wrong no matter what.
If you think Shawn Wayans is sexy then you are guilty of fetishizing his race AND if you think
Damon Wayans SR. looks goofy then you’re a racist.
Kangol2
You’re expressing your fragility, which isn’t surprising, but maybe think a bit more about what you are saying. If you’re attracted to Shawn Wayans, own it. There’s nothing to feel ashamed about. If you don’t find Damon Wayans attractive it, own it. If you shift from specific cases to generalizing about 47 million people, you probably are racist. And even then, own it.
Cam
Nothing enrages the trolls more than any story about Black people. (Unless it’s about trans people).
You’re right, white people really get the worst of everything.
That must be why there are no white CEOs, no white Billionaires, no white owners of major sports teams, no white college presidents, no white politicians, no white owners of major media.
Yep, you’re right, white people really have nothing.
(Your troll game is still sad and weak)
Milton
If i date a black guy its a fetish if i dont im racist.
Kangol2
Are the racist bots out in full force? If you date a Black person or person of any race, that’s your business. If you don’t, that’s your business. If you categorically believe an entire group of people are inferior or unattractive, etc., then you probably have some issues. From your bot-like comment it sounds like you might.
Milton
@Kangol2 just highlighting that for a significant portion of commentators these days there are only ever 2 positions both usually polar opposites. I agree that who ever you date or dont date is no ones business but your own and thats the way it should be …. buts its not.
Unfortunately given you made the extraordinary leap to assuming i probably have issues and potentially categorically belive entire races are below me is no different to those that call fetishism or racism re interacial hookups.
JJinAus
If you have to ask the question, there’s something wrong. If you’re only into young black men, then yes, it’s a fetish. Not necessarily a bad thing. If, like many of us, you end up with somebody who is not your type, that’s not a bad thing either.