Ask Jake

“Locktober” has me obsessed with chastity cages. Will locking myself up set me free?

Hi Jake,

I have a friend who is big into the BDSM scene, and he recently told me he’s been observing the month of “Locktober”. At first, I thought he was kidding. But when he started explaining it to me, my curiosity was peaked.

He says being locked up by a keyholder leaves him feeling totally free, because being “locked” gives him the ability to “surrender.” He also says he likes carrying this dirty little secret everywhere he goes, whether it be walking the aisles of Trader Joe’s, or going about his usual gym routine.

Initially, I couldn’t imagine giving my power away to someone else for an entire month, not to mention being confined for that long, but then I started wonder if I’m missing out on a chance to actually free myself in some way? Should I give it a try for the rest of the month, as a trial run for “Locktober 2024”, or will locking myself up just be utter hell?

Locked Out of Heaven

Dear Locked Out of Heaven,

It spooky season, but if saying goodbye to your mighty member for 31 days seems more frightening than the local haunted corn maze, then “Locktober” might not be your jam. But believe it or not, a fair share of gay men are enjoying the kink that comes along with giving up control.

By wearing a chastity device, guys are enclosing their genitals in an inescapable cage which will prevent erections, masturbation, and penetration. If that sounds sexually frustrating, that’s exactly the point.

In giving up control of what they associate with their primary source of pleasure, some men say they learn to appreciate other things, including being the best submissive partner they can be. There’s a sense of freedom that comes from relinquishing the pressure of having to perform, or the need to get off, which can actually increase intimacy.

It might seem like a contradiction, but fans of male chastity devices explain how abstaining from traditional sex has made their romantic lives better. That’s because “sex” doesn’t just mean penetration anymore; they’ve gotten creative and discovered new ways to experience erotic pleasure.

As one chastity enthusiast puts it, “my pleasure has to come from them, not my c*ck.”

They also find that other parts of the body become tools for sexual expression, including previously ignored body parts like feet, pits, mouths, etc.

Confinement also teaches men how to not give in to every sexual urge. In doing so, they gain a sense of control, and can assess what’s absolutely important to their sexual expression. This allows them to let go of things they never knew they could, freeing up more time and energy.

Is a month a long time to give up voluntary sex and masturbation? Some might say so, but the challenge is designed to help reset sexual appetite, and to get a better understanding of your body and what you want from sex.

A chastity cage is not for everyone, so you’ll want to start with slow and gradual experimentation. Staying “locked” for an extended period of time can be a very intense experience, breaching your sexual limits. I’d recommend you start by trying something it out for a short time at first, before you graduate to longer time periods.

Finding the right partner as your keyholder is also…well, key. You want someone you can trust, as the goal is ultimately to increase pleasure, rather than cause suffering. Some participants find a safe-word is often helpful. Others may start with something a little less confining, perhaps without a lock, until they’re more comfortable.

Exploring your sexuality means feeling safe to push yourself in areas you haven’t before, so always prioritize how something feels inside, and don’t be afraid to vocalize both the good and bad.

Just because Locktober is almost over, doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance to explore your inner kink-self until next year. In fact, February is right around the corner. If you’re new to the game, a shorter month might feel a little less… cagey.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.

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Queerty’s licensed mental health professional helps readers navigate questions related to relationship dynamics, sex, gay culture, and more, all through a lens of releasing shame and living authentically.
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