After a decade together, New Orleans couple Dale and Chris Liuzza ended their relationship. But because Louisiana doesn’t have second-parent adoption, Chris was able to leave the state, taking their 6-year-old son with him and leaving Dale with nothing but memories and heartbreak.
When their son, Seth, was born via a surrogate in 2004, the men were more concerned with caretaking than geneology. “We didn’t know or care about the biology,” Dale, 31, tells ABC News. “I pretty much raised him. As far as I was concerned, I carried him.”
But two years ago, Dale and Chris’ relationship fell apart. That’s when Chris learned he was Seth’s biological father, packed their bags and left Louisiana for Texas, and then eventually Washington State. Dale can only see Seth once every two months, and says his phone calls with his son are timed.
In more than 30 states, including Louisiana, second-parent adoptions are banned. That means non-biological parents can face a host of headaches—like not being able to pick their child up from school without a note, being banned from a hospital room, and not being able to provide their kids with health insurance and other benefits.
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It’s a bitter irony that the states with the highest number of kids raised by gay parents are among the most conservative—including Mississippi, Wyoming, Alaska, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, Alabama. And even if you do live in a state where second-parent adoption is recognized, it can be a legal nightmare if you go on vacation: “If you are a New York family visiting Philadelphia, you better take everything you have and hope there is a sympathetic nurse when you have to go to the hospital,” says Calla Rongerude, spokesman for the LGBT think tank Movement Advancement Project.
Should your relationship end—not a remote a possibility in this day and age—non-biological parents have almost no standing in custody cases. People like Dale can literally have the rug pulled out from under them. “I showed up at school one day to pick Seth up and he wasn’t there,” he says. “I called my ex and he was on a plane to Dallas. The school had no idea. My son had no idea. I had no idea.”
What makes this story even more tragic is once upon a time Dale and Chris seemed like the ideal couple, even getting profiled in Intended Parents back in 2004:
The Liuzzas were more focused on the elation of first-time parenthood than the legal technicalities of the adoption. They had grown fond of [surrogate mom Angie] Oliver and her family, just as the Olivers had grown fond of the Liuzzas. As they bundled up Seth for the trip back home, they promised to keep the Olivers updated on his progress through phone calls, photos and e-mails.
Except for an occasional wail, Seth slept through most of the flight to New Orleans. With experience baby-sitting their 5-month-old nephew, the Liuzzas felt they were well-prepared for their new roles as Daddy (Chris) and Dee Dee (Dale). But after 15 days of waking up every two to three hours to feed him, exhaustion had started taking its toll.
“You get so overwhelmed with the sudden changes in being a parent,” Dale said. “Everything revolves around him—when he eats, when he sleeps, when he gets a bath.
“At first we were hoping for twins,” said Chris. “But now we’re relieved it was just one.”
Back then Dale didn’t get any sleep because of late-night feedings and diaper changes. Now he’s up nights worrying about his son.
Molly
Can the Internet please shame Chris Liuzza into acting like a real father and acting in his son’s best interest by letting him grow up with BOTH of his daddies?
LaTeesha
Gay & lesbian parents who exploit the flaws in our legal system are a disgrace to the LGBT community & the human race. When you have a child with another person, you don’t get a do-over just because the law is discriminatory.
jay
While this story (and the second-parent adoption law) are both sad cases, would it be too much for potential gay parents to at least make an attempt in understanding the laws *before* they bring an innocent life into the world? Chances are, if you can afford a surrogate you can probably afford a small bit of legal advice; I’m sure even a google search would provide at least some type of general information about the subject.
This law is unjust and wrong, but it’s still the law, and unfortunately it has the final say. So until hateful rules are changed people, do not think that media sympathy will ever reverse the actions of a hateful former partner.
Ogre Magi
Looks like gay parents can be just as Sh-tty as straight parents
iDavid
It sounds as if a legal pre-sur, similar to a pre-nup, could be helpful in determining guidelines in case of a divorce or separation.
LaTeesha
@jay: But what are they to do if they reside in a discriminatory state? Remain childless? I’m glad my state, California, provides legal protections to children with same sex parents.
Discriminatory parenting laws harm kids. Why do bigots hate children?
Jon
Are we hearing both sides of the story? What caused the boyfriend to suddenly pick up and leave the state? Did Dale do anything that made Chris decide that he couldn’t see the child? Picking up and snatching a child and moving to two different states seems extreme for a mere breakup.
jay
@LaTeesha: “Remain childless?” If I lived in a discriminatory state, then yes, I’d remain childless… or move to a state that provides legal protections like your state. I know, easier said than done, but again we’re not talking about a puppy here, we’re talking about a child whose life is now *forever* changed and probably not in a good way.
We’ve all heard the stories about falling in love with a foreigner, having kids or even not having kids, and finding out that mom/dad (or if only your partner) is being deported. Stories about buying a house together, both contributing to the mortgage, only to discover that just one name was on the title when the other leaves or even worse dies.
Many laws concerning equality for LGBTs are dead wrong, but I also detect an air of irresponsibility and perhaps even arrogance in this story: nobody is above the law (especially the non-wealthy) regardless of how bigoted they are. Know what the law says *before* you entering into a potentially life destroying situation. Protect your child… and yourself!
Mark
They absolutely should have been aware of the law, but even if they were, what could they have done? Not had a child because the law treats them like second class citizens? Pick up everything they own and move to a new state? Even if they had known the law, there isn’t much that could have prevented this short of a law giving gay parents equal rights (of course the man who took the kid deserves the most blame).
michael
While the general issue is serious, portraying this guy as the victim is lame when we only know one side of what happened.
Michael Preston
I was thinking the same thing. What would cause Chris to snap like that??? Me thinks there is more to the story than poor Dale is letting us know… I would love to hear Chris’ version.
Matt
This is actually way more common than people want to admit. I know men who are partnered who adopted kids and then they split up and had a nasty custody battle over their kids.
Alexi3
Thsi is sadly just human nature – gay or straight.
FreddyMertz
See..we’re equal..in our nastiness towards exes….when children are involved. Trust me it harms the child more than it devastates the ex.
rick
“As far as I was concerned, I carried him.”
I’m sorry, but a man saying this just does not strike me as completely sane.
jkrupiarz
I’ve never understood how a couple can think that it’s perfectly fine to go through the surrogacy process while living in a state that has no protections for both parents and the kid(s). As for these guys, to be so enthralled with the idea of becoming parents that you make no legal arrangements is unconscionable. I speak from authority and experience having gone through surrogacy in California, as California residents, with my husband eight years ago, with the result being our incredible daughters. Wanting kids isn’t enough, and the legalities aren’t “technicalities” like checking the “I Agree” box on the Facebook user agreement. The legal and financial process is the backbone of the entire arrangement and without it there’s nothing there. Frankly, we had to focus so much on the medical, legal, and financial requirements of our surrogacy arrangement that I had little emotional capacity over the two year process to be elated about anything. I feel sympathy for Dale because I can’t imagine having a child removed from your life like this. I hope you can work something out. I don’t know about Chris, but it does seem suspect that he’d flee the state to the farthest point within the continental US to get away. This article should be titled “Innocent Child’s Life Thrown Into Turmoil by Irresponsible Adults”. I’m sorry David, your devastation is of your own making, and I think Queerty would serve its readers better by focusing on this couple failing this young boy instead of the impact on the father left behind.
leo
Forget about the drama, THAT KID IS SO CUTE, I wish I could see more picture of lil Seth
Prof Sancho Panza
With no legal tie between the non-biological partner and the child, what did they think would have happened if the biological father had died unexpectedly at any point during Seth’s minority? This is an arrangement absolutely laden with uncertainty and risk from Minute One and utterly dependent on any number of variables which can’t be controlled.
And yes, I’d like to know why the biological father fled the state one day without a word to anyone while his partner thought their son was at school. That’s rather drastic.
Allen D.
Even with any sort of partnership agreement, etc — that might not be enough. In Utah, there’s actually a law that was passed that says “any sort of legal agreement or arrangement similar to marriage between people of the same sex is invalid”. And there have been a few high-profile lesbian cases where one partner has exploited that law to their advantage.
If you love someone enough to have a child with them, there should be nothing that would cause you to cut that person out of the child’s life (short of abusing the child, of course). Those are my thoughts on it.
Oh well
Could some of you please explain what is this famous legal agreement you blame them for not making that would have had the same weight as a second-parent adoption in a family court in Louisiana?
jkrupiarz
There is no famous legal agreement available, that’s the point. They didn’t bother, at least according to Intended Parents, to give this the attention it deserved and this is the result. Becoming a parent, no matter your sexuality, requires the legal, financial, and emotional preparation to protect your child. If you live in a state where there are no legal protections, let alone being ignorant of that fact, then you really have no business proceeding with your need to be a parent. There’s now a beautiful little boy who is suffering. Just like if you live in a state such as California, where the legal protections exist, but you don’t have the financial resources to make it a success. Or if you have both the legal protection and financial resources but you’re in an emotionally screwed up relationship. You are the only one to blame for the result when you’re so enthralled by the idea of being a parent that you ignore the realities.
Triple S
@Jon: Actually, that can be just the thing. My mum doesn’t do this anymore, but she was quite adamant that my dad couldn’t see us after he came out to her and the divorce ensued.
People really CAN be that petty, bitchy, cruel and selfish. Unfortunately, a fuckload of gay men are exactly that. He probably did it to spite Dale as the final insult and humiliation before running away from him and tearing away his child
Triple S
What’s with people saying that all these legal actions need to be taken beforehand? It sours the whole thing, like you expect it to go down the crapper.
I know straight couples get some of these protections, so they don’t really need to do it, but simply expecting them to just KNOW to do what you suggest is unreasonable in my view.
Practical and prudent, yes, but do you think most couples are going to be thinking about a split at the beginning of it?
I suppose this is my opinion and I’m just angry that a child has been taken away from one of his fathers and absolutely nothing can be done to help.
In hindsight, going through the legal steps seems like the smart option, but I can’t imagine myself at this is end of a relationship myself without having thought about it in depth!
Why should they?
Should Dale have expected that Chris would do something so selfish? Usually when you have a DECADE long reltionship, you trust them.
When one betrays that trust after such a time, ANYONE will be shocked. If you’re a paranoid and suspicious person, then you might, but most people aren’t.
Don’t lay the blame at Dale’s feet at all. He may not have done the most prudent thing at the beginning of his joint fatherhood with Chris, but then again, why should he have? This is Chris’ fault through and through, and their child will pay the psychological price for it.
jkrupiarz
It’s an entirely different mindset that is not focused on the parents’ feelings. It’s about being your child’s guardian.
Hyhybt
Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. A decent father, no matter how well or poorly he got along with his ex, would, unless it put the child in imminent, real danger, make sure his child got to maintain relationships, legally recognized or not.
Hyhybt
@Triple S: One thing people seem to forget when they pull this sort of thing: children grow up, and they remember. They might well duplicate the example you’ve set in their own adult lives, but they’ll still hold it against you.
Peter
Many people know of this in New Orleans and that the reason Chris left was abuse!
TRUTHBTOLD
NEWS FLASH..HIS LIVE IN BOYFRIEND IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY CPS