Life isn’t always easy when you’re packing! Especially when it comes to dealing with handsy TSA agents, apparently.
In a recent letter to Slate, a 36-year-old web developer named “Max” shares his plight of walking through airport security with a large member (humble brag much)? He says his enlarged package always stands out on the body scanners, prompting agents to pat him down “about two-thirds of the time.”
“I don’t envy the agents who are forced to do the pat down,” he writes empathetically.
According to Max, our anonymous hung friend, the TSA scanners compare your silhouette against an average body. In order for the scanners to work properly, one’s feet must be placed in a wide stance.
That’s bad news for Max!
“At first, I didn’t even totally comprehend that it was my penis that kept flaring up the security system,” he says. “It wasn’t until one time when I caught a glimpse of the screen that the agents use to determine which part of a passenger’s body looks suspicious. Sure enough, a yellow square was painted right over my dick and balls, as if I was transporting an explosive in my nether regions.”
Translation: “My balls are so big, they look like bombs.”
Justice for Max, and all of our big-balled brothers!
keeps happening to me too weird
— lets go (@blablanic) August 6, 2023
Omg I knew this was a thing keeps happening to me
— Santa Cruz Roots (@SantaCruzRoots) August 6, 2023
Apparently, Max is far from the only person experiencing this intrusive problem. He says this topic is often discussed on the r/BigDickProblems subreddit, and even includes a hyperlink for the readers’ convenience.
Sure enough, another suffering lad complained about “TSA SCREENING PAT DOWNS” a couple of weeks ago. One commenter said he just volunteers himself for the pat down every time (OK?) and another says he’s quit flying altogether!
Max, for his part, says he knows the TSA agents don’t enjoy the pat down procedure.
“Most of those security agents use the back-of-the-hand method when they feel around for potential contraband, so it’s not too intimate,” he writes. “Once they feel what I’m packing, I’m sure they quickly understand why the millimeter wave lit me up.”
Translation: “I’m so big, you can’t miss it!”
We’ve covered the chaos on r/BigDickProblems before. A couple months back, a dude complained about having sex with a bigger-than-average dong, saying bottoms have “told him to flat-out stop.”
The good news is, Max and other suffering hung guys soon won’t be alone for too much longer. A recent study finds that men’s penis sizes have grown about 1.2 inches over the last 30 years.
That means more guys than ever are joining their exclusive club!
SFMike
First world problem we all can’t identify with but the big dick has other perks that I’m sure are worth it.
ShaverC
“He says his enlarged package always stands out on the body scanners” You mean his “large” package. An “enlarged” package would mean it’s becoming bigger.
abfab
You are a pedantic little piece of shit.
Jim
So maybe he means it’s becoming bigger when he goes through the scanner
Only YOU can prevent pedaticism!
SUPREME
we knew what he meant.
Jack
No sh*t, I had a former employee that had this happen all the time. I found out when he was running late for a flight to meet me at a client meeting and missed it. TSA detained him for pitching a fit about being held in a separate line for secondary screening. I should have asked to see the proof. But ‘chile you could see the proof just fine.
dbmcvey
Seems like bragging, but why not just lodge a complaint?
abfab
Lodge. xo
Kangol2
Or make sure they log one! 😉
abfab
Now all I can think about is Miss Ross. They were very intrusive and mean to her at Heathrow. She showed them WHO IS THE BOSS!
The real Bruce
It ain’t bragging if it’s true. But why lodge a complaint about being “gifted”?
Brian
TSA agents are some of the stupidest employees in the whole federal government. Back in 2007, TSA agents at the Madison, WI, airport put me in a room all alone while they “tested” a suspicious device in my carry-on. It was an iPod. When they returned with the iPod, one woman screamed at me that they needed to know where the bomb was — she assumed my iPod could detonate a bomb. Finally, one of her coworkers told her what I’d been saying all along. The iPod (with headphones attached!) was a music player. I was the last person to board my flight, with less than a minute to spare. I’ve got more stories like those. They’re all morons.
abfab
You poor baby.
overlarry
I think the Madison, WI airport must have *exceptionally* stupid TSA agents. I flew out of there in about 2010. As we lined up to board, I was taken out of line and thoroughly searched. I never knew why. I was just a middle-aged, clean-shaven guy with a small carry-on bag. After getting on the plane, bad weather developed somewhere and we all had to get off and wait again. An hour later – not having left the small waiting area – we lined up to board again and I was AGAIN taken out of the line and searched!! And believe me, it wasn’t the size of my ‘package’ which got me targeted.
Joule Onyx
I call BS on this
Kangol2
I don’t. I’ve been patted down repeatedly in the crotch area, after going through the scanner. I’m not the only one I know. It’s never turned into being detained, thankfully, but believe me, this does happen.
abfab
They need to keep NRA members off planes…and out of airports. The amount of shit these GOP douchebags bring on-board is atrocious. No tickets for you, bitches. Fu ck ing rednecks.
Terry
What’s with that “abfab” person who just writes little b*chy responses to everything on here? Go away, abfab. Get a boyfriend or get on antidepressants or something.
abfab
I take it those ideas worked for you, Terry? Sit down, child.
Terry
Really wish we could block people on here, Queerty. Ab Fab seems to have time to post on nearly everything on this site, and is almost always nasty. Bitter old queens are great when they’re funny and not just mean / horrible.
London_Resistance2
abfab is a nasty little Gender Goblin that haunts the caverns of Queerty
It was manufactured out of used tampons and nose bogies in the dark dungeons beneath Sauron’s mountain
abfab
Uh oh……she’s back.
bachy
If you spy a big piece
call the International Police!
abfab
Last week this semi-hot guy had a kardashian butt X 10! His ass got lots of attention, spanks and who knows what else they did to him in the back offices. LAX?
Bromancer7
It’s happened to me a few times. Go thru the scanner, get stopped for “abnormal density” while the monitor has a grey circle around my crotch.
Both times the TSA agent seemed to get excited, as if they finally found something. Then they both got all crestfallen and disappointed after the pat down turned up nothing but my junk, exactly what I told them it was.
abfab
Leather co ck rings with studs were a big issue pre 9/11.
tjack47
I can imagine that would be annoying and invasive, and yet, people do pack things in that crotch. Other’s safety is important on a airplane, much more so than his getting felt up because he’s well-endowed. I don’t believe it’s all about sexual assault or harassment at all.
JTinToronto
I wish I had that problem. lol He should tell them before the scan that they are going to have an issue and then just drop trou. That’ll shut them up and get him moving through faster.
Inspector 57
I have the opposite complaint.
Some people constantly whine, “This only ever happens to ME!”, right? So annoying. But, honestly, I feel that way regarding TSA and me. I am probably the blandest guy you’d ever (not) see, no criminal record, not ethnic-looking in any way. Yet I am almost always pulled aside for an additional screening. I’m always there early, so I’m not bothered by the delay, and it doesn’t scare me. I just don’t GET it.
I’m glad TSA is helping to ensure that flying is safe, and I’m happy enough to do my part. That’s where the complaint comes in. The agents have always been polite enough, sometimes even friendly. “Please raise your arms. I’m going to touch you near your armpits, okay?” “Go ahead and spread your legs. Okay, I’m going to touch the back of your calves for just a second.” ALL over — EXCEPT for my groin. I have never had an agent put so much as the back of his gloved hand anywhere near my balls. WTF?! What’s the point? Are you guys trying to teach me, “Hey, if you want to bring contraband or an explosive device on board, just tuck it under your dick. We never go there.”? It’s not like I’m looking for a cheap thrill — it wouldn’t be. It just upsets me that their homophobic procedures prevent them from doing a thorough job at something important.
abfab
You’re not ethnic looking. Okay. Let’s all take a deep breath. Wow.
Inspector 57
@abfab
My beige look is relevant to that story.
You’ve really been testy and kind of irritating lately. Hope things get better for you.
Thom59
TSA Agent to Max: “Sir, is that a pistol in your pocket, or…?”