Manager seeks advice after his straight co-workers ask to attend Pride with him

Pride Month may be over, but Pride festivals continue to take place around the world. The big Pride festival in Berlin, Germany, is called Christopher Street Day. This year’s event is due to take place on Saturday, July 22.

One man planning to attend wrote to the AskGayBrosOver30 subreddit with a dilemma: His straight co-workers have asked if they can accompany him to the parade.

But these aren’t just regular colleagues—he says he’s their boss, “which makes the situation more uncomfortable.”

“I usually separate my work life from my personal life… as I work in a traditional industry (pharma),” he explained.

“Me and my hubby do go clubbing sometimes and visit bathhouses and darkrooms together… we usually go to pride with our gay friends… and me and my friends like to dress somehow a little ‘sexy/slutty‘ for pride (see-through shirts or shirtless, harnesses, jockstraps, thongs, leather gear, angel wings and so on),” he continued.

“Sometimes hubby and I would go to a gay bathhouse directly after pride and/or in the evening to parties around town with friends where we would visit the darkroom. My straight coworkers are quite chill…. But these are things that I do not want to be known at work. I cannot forbid them to go to pride… how should I deal with this?”

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“Be proud of your sexy/slutty outfits!”

The question prompted many responses and fueled debate about straight people in queer spaces. Everyone appreciates allies, but most of us don’t always want straight people around when we want to let our hair down… or wear our “slutty” pride wear.

“You either plan some G-rated fun to have with your coworkers (with a definitive end time, so you can go have fun) or tell them that you, as their boss, prefer to separate your work life from your personal life,” was one well-liked comment. “If they go to Pride without you and run into you in the street, there’s not much you can do about it. But it’s Pride, so be proud of your sexy/slutty outfits!”

“I did a G-rated Pride with a trans friend, her wife, and their kid as it was their first Pride this year and they wanted to go with someone who had been before,” said another. “I went to the leather bar with friends after they left in the afternoon.”

Many said they wouldn’t want co-workers hanging around them at Pride.

“I missed pride last year due to a family tragedy… and the years before due to covid…. So this year I‘m planning to tune up the sluty outfit lol…. but I don‘t want my coworkers to be around,” said one.

Blurred lines

One suggested a potential response to the co-workers:

“’I appreciate your interest and love that you’re thinking about going to Pride, but as I’m in a position of authority at work, I don’t believe it would be appropriate for me to hang out in that relaxed of a setting outside of work.’

“Most people are aware of how dicey things can get with the blurred lines of work acquaintances and after-work friends,” he continued. “Simply telling them in corporate speak that you don’t think it’s a good idea should be enough to clue them in.”

Another suggested using the husband as his—truthful—excuse.

“My husband and I have a pretty set routine at Pride and I wouldn’t be able to give you the attention you deserve!”

Maintaining leadership boundaries

Another manager said he had the same issue—but with gay co-workers he managed.

“Just say no,” he advised. “You are the manager and it’s an easy excuse to say, ‘Hey, I don’t want to blur the coworker/manager lines but appreciate your support.’

“I manage a couple other gay employees and make it a point of staying separate from them socially. If I see them in the bar, I will give a nod or smile to acknowledge and then I go about my way. I want them to feel comfortable to let loose on their free time without worrying about their boss.

“I’ve even left an underwear party because one of my employees showed up and I decided that I had the responsibility of removing myself from the situation. I was bummed because I was looking great and having fun but the onus is on you as a manager to keep that separation.”

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Climbing the corporate ladder

Another suggested this may be a sacrifice one has to make to climb the corporate ladder.

“You will probably dislike this answer, but it is what happens when you choose to be in a position of management/leadership. I have seen many professional careers end quickly due to managers socializing with their direct reports or non-managers outside of work. You are the manager, end of story. You do not hang out with those who are your direct reports outside of work unless it is something all are invited to, and it is controllable.

“As for whether or not people who work for you see you at Pride, that can not be prevented. If you do not want to be seen in a jock and harness with some guy’s name on your ass, then don’t wear it in public.

“It’s the same as being seen on a dating/hook-up app or in the bathhouse by someone at work who is gay. You do not always know who is, and surprise there is Mike the new IT Guy going down on some guy in the corner. As a manager, it is your responsibility to block them or leave the situation.

“It sucks, I will not tell you otherwise. I am single again after several years, and living in Palm Springs. Yet I can not show my face on any dating app, and can not share it unless I see the other person first. Sadly, there are so many people who work under my line of leadership, I can’t recognize them all. Makes hooking up or trying to make connections really tough.”

Keeping Pride a safe space

Others emphasized that Pride is for the LGBTQ+ community first and foremost and suggested that the original poster must prioritize what he wants to do, over his straight co-workers.

“I’m with the just say no people,” said another guy. “Telling people ‘No, I don’t want to hang out with you because I have my own traditions’ is hard, but still easier than skipping your own traditions and muting your day to accommodate others.

“I produced a late-night pride celebration this year and my mom and her fiancé asked to come,” they continued. “I still feel guilty telling them not to come, but honestly, no matter how cool they were I was going to be way too stressed about it. So they skipped out and I shared pictures. Same with your employees. You aren’t comfortable being yourself and living your life while feeling like you’re hosting them. Just say ‘Pride is a pretty special thing for my friends so I’m going to stick with them, but I hope you have fun!’ And leave them to it.”

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Having to navigate a gay space and maintain professional boundaries? Or telling straight people to stay away from a queer event?

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