After all this talk of open relationships and polyamorous love, a new study has just found that younger gay couples are trending toward monogamy once again. At least, according to a new study.
The study, titled “Choices: Perspectives of Younger Gay Men on Monogamy, Non-monogamy and Marriage,” was conduced by researchers Blake Spears and Lanz Lowen. They surveyed over 800 single, monogamously-coupled, and non-monogamously coupled gay men ages 18-40 years about their relationships. A handful of “monogamish” men were also interviewed.
Related: Study: Gay Men Are Figuring Out How To Make Open Relationships Work
“The most striking finding of this study is younger gay men’s greater inclination toward monogamy,” the researchers report. “We see this in the overwhelming number of relationships that are monogamous (86 percent). In addition, 90 percent of the single younger gay men were seeking monogamy. This is a sea change compared to older generations of gay men.”
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Researchers also report that “the notion of ‘monogamish’ appears to be increasing, particularly as couples are together for longer periods of time. … 75 percent of our 45 ‘monogamish’ respondents reported mostly having three-ways and always playing together as a couple. A few couples mentioned sex parties and bathhouses, but were clear they always played together.”
In addition to that, the researchers noticed what they call a “dis-owning of the notion of ‘open relationships’ which younger gay men assume are wide open, whatever goes, relationships. Open relationships are associated with previous generations of gay men and are viewed as part of the previous gay culture that is no longer necessary.”
Related: Don’t Knock It Till You Try It: A Case For Polyamorous Love
So what exactly is the takeaway from all this?
A few things.
First, researchers say, “despite the myths and horror stories, both monogamous and non-monogamous couples can have enduring, healthy and happy relationships.” But not just that, they say, they can have “have enduring, satisfying sex lives within their primary relationship.”
“Oddly, we heard both monogamous and non-monogamous respondents complaining of the lack of support for their respective relationships,” the researchers conclude. “To the degree monogamy and non-monogamy can be more fully discussed in the community, the better. … As a community, let’s stop proselytizing our preference as ‘the right way’ and demonizing that which we don’t embrace. We need to create norms in the community, where both monogamy and non-monogamy can be rationally discussed and considered.”
Related: Here’s How Americans Feel About Open Relationships And Sex Parties
jdboston617
Nice. I’m finding this to be true for older couples as well. I fully support open relationships since they work well for lots of people and have tried myself. But I’m hearing from many friends, and my own experience that it did damage to their relationship or lead to it ending. It’s not a easy thing and not meant to fix a bad relationship. I think that’s important to consider. I think it’s fair to say, that hook-up apps and PREP more than anything have been a primary cause for more gay men to experiment with open relationships, which is fine, but not for all.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Good. About time. Every fetish and outre behaviour, it seems, is validated in our community under the rubric of “diversity” for diversity sake, except, that is, expressing a *personal* belief monogamy and degree of self-control in matters of sexual conduct ..and then you’re considered “slut-shaming”, “heteronormative” (whateverthefuckthatis ) and the ultimate fallback insult of the intellectually bereft gay-hysteric: “self-hating”
ChrisK
It’s always been this way though. The ones the practice monogamy the most are the 18 – 20 somethings who have the preconceptions of what a relationship is. That immature sappy.. “I just love, love him stage. We have the love that no else has”. Lots of jealousy and drama along the way.
After about age 30 that usually ends for more reality or they’re just tired of each other. Then later on in life when sex is no longer a priority or just harder to get it’s once again monogamy.
The circle of life:)
ChrisK
Btw. I could just as easily find a study saying the opposite. Just interview them from sites like Grindr. Lol
jdboston617
@ChrisK: Whose “reality” are you referring to? No offense, but your comment seems kinda bitter and not so “real”.
Juanjo
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID:
It is not slut shaming to state that you are monogamous and that you believe this is a beneficial way in which to live. It is slut shaming when you personally attack others who are not living according to your standards of monogamy which is a common problem in posts here and elsewhere. For example making overly broad value judgments about “self control” as you referenced in your comment.
Juanjo
@ChrisK: I am curios as to the actual verifiable data you base you conclusions on. My experience and data I have seen indicate that the term “monogamy” is very fluid in how it is defined by both heterosexual couples and heterosexual couples. Most all straight couples at least publicly claim to be monogamous regardless of what they might do in private either by agreement or without telling their spouse or partner. The number has historically been less for gay couples in no small part because there was not legal or social recognition for the relationship and no negative social consequences because of being non-monogamous.
Now we are entering a new era in which gay couples are marrying and indeed younger gay people can have an expectation of marrying and living openly with a spouse without any negative consequences officially and in many parts of the country, socially. If you grew up in the 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s for example you knew that was not going to happen. Gay people did not marry and many were closeted, not out to their family or friends at all. Long term relationships did not exist publicly for most gay people although there were exceptions. This makes for a very different mindset and accordingly an approach to live.
ChrisK
@Juanjo: Monogamy in straight marriages made sense because you have other considerations ie kids. Plus, women are nesters and men are wanderers by their nature. Even still my parents weren’t even remotely monogamous and it never hurt us one bit.
At any rate, signing something on paper doesn’t automatically change people. It’s not some new monogamy utopia.
ChrisK
@jdboston617: No bitterness at all. Just saying what I see. Monogamy is mostly younger people as it’s always been and open relationships are mostly older. Like it would be rare for me to hear of a 40 something couple in one unless there was some circumstances. Marriage has nothing to do with it either.
ChrisK
Back in February Queerty was reporting that 74% of gay male relationships were open. You narrow it down to my explanations and it’s probably closer to 98%.
https://www.queerty.com/just-how-many-gay-men-are-in-open-relationships-these-new-stats-may-surprise-you-or-not-20160204
jdboston617
@ChrisK: I couldn’t say. I can only speak for myself. I know older couples who are monogamous, and some who aren’t. The same for younger ones. What I have seen in the last year is that lots of my male couple have found it too difficult to manage and that their relationship suffered. So my “reality” is different than yours. 😉
jimschneider
@Juanjo:
However, truth is that if more gays were “slut shaming” in the late ’70’s and early ’80’s, the AIDS crisis wouldn’t have spread to the epic proportions that it did.
Heywood Jablowme
The headline is incorrect because it’s not a “comeback” when it’s a new thing:
“We see this in the overwhelming number of relationships that are monogamous (86 percent)… This is a sea change compared to older generations of gay men.”
So it’s new, not a comeback.
montserrat
Yayyyyyyyyyyy. This makes me happy.
Arconcyyon
luck my luck our good the good the positivy new tema love by love ! Am I the future Monogamy and polyamorus love .
SportGuy
That’s good to hear that maybe there is hope for the community not being just skanks and whores.
Chris
Speaking personally, the older I get, the more open to new ideas and people I am becoming. I know this is not generalizable. But it does suggest that at least one pathway through life is to start monogamous (which is how I started) and then shift towards openness as one learns how much work, heartache, and failure are entailed by monogamy.
Danny279
Excellent! This has been a slow, long-term trend but it really accelerated with the Millennials beginning about a decade ago. This study joins 4 or 5 others recent studies, including studies from France and Australia, showing that monogamy is on the rise, with younger gays leading the way. And these studies don’t even reflect the impact of the legalization of gay marriage, which may turbocharge the trend. I think this is fantastic. Monogamy and non-monogamy are not equals and we absolutely should elevate the former as an ideal over the latter.
Some of the cheerleaders for promiscuity respond to studies like this by insisting that monogamous gays must have open relationships and are just defining monogamy to exclude sexual exclusivity. That is false. Even when the definition is clarified to include sexual exclusivity the trend towards monogamy – real monogamy – is clear.
Danny279
@ChrisK: Wrong. First, Queerty doesn’t report anything. It lifts stories from other sources. Second, the source in question is an AIDS-related UK website called FS, which does not conduct peer-reviewed studies, does not release any of its data and does not disclose a single detail about the methodology of its study or of the respondent pool. It may well consist of responses from readers of their website, which would not be a valid method from which to derive statistical data about the gay male population. I actually asked FS to provide info about the survey and how it was conducted. They never responded. Not an indicator of legitimacy. Third, even assuming that the FS mystery survey is valid, it doesn’t report the statistic that you claim. It does not say that 74% of gay men are in open relationships. It says that 41% are or at some time in their lives have been in an open relationship. Those are 2 totally different things.
Ukin Blome
@jimschneider: I find your comment offensive and uninformed. Think.
juiceboy
@Danny279: “Monogamy and non-monogamy are not equals and we absolutely should elevate the former as an ideal over the latter.” I will never understand this sentiment. My ideals involve people making their own decisions about how best to live their life and how to be happy. I can’t see any way in which telling someone they should be monogamous instead of non-monogamous is any better than telling someone they should be straight instead of gay.
RadChad
Cool, good change.
WPalmer
A fantasy. Why should people believe that those who say they are in monogamous relationship actually are?
Danny279
@juiceboy: You are confusing: 1) who gets to make decisions with 2) whether particular decisions are right or wrong. No one is claiming that a police force should be set up to dictate behavior. Individuals get to make their own choices. But we as a society get to opine and weigh in. And we are under no obligation to pretend that all choices and all behavior is equally good. Moreover, when individuals make choices, they don’t do so in isolation from their social environment. If behavior X results in approval, affirmation and increased social capital, and if behavior Y yields no such approval, on average people will tend to gravitate towards X. Some won’t be affected by the social environment, but most will. For decades, a gay man just coming out would be confronted with an environment which lavishly approved of promiscuity but which was, at best, silent and at worst disapproving of monogamy. He would find a rich assortment of bars, clubs, bathhouses and cruising spots for loveless hookups. But if he wanted to have a long-term monogamous relationship, he would find few if any resources and would have to run a gauntlet of opposition and obstacles. In that environment, gay people were steered toward promiscuity, with catastrophic results. Now, for the first time, the environment is changing in favor of love and commitment. And that is a good thing.
mariana_cordoba
people say they are monogamous, but they arent… its all wishful thinking