PRIMARY SEASON

Now For What Really Matters: Which Republican Candidate Has The Sexiest Son?

The Romneys! Now here’s a pretty well-rounded survey of handsomeness.
Like a majority of Republicans, I tried to ignore Mitt Romney for most of the primary season. Then I had a dream one night that he was driving this tractor mower around my lawn while flashing me that high-wattage smile of his. I woke up and spent the better part of the morning Googling “Mitt Romney, underwear,” “Mitt Romney, naughty,” and “Mitt Romney, topless.”
Since then I’ve started to see him through a new, sexier filter, more like a friend’s dad in high school: You’d do it because it was familiar and safe, but he wasn’t your first choice. Now, Mitt and Ann have five boys—brunets Taggart, 31, Matt, 30, Josh, 36, and Craig 30; and blond Ben, 33. I don’t even need to pay attention to any of the rumors I’ve heard about how hot sex with a Mormon is to appreciate the appeal of these fellows. At least two are immediate panty-droppers, the other two I’d like to see naked first, and the fifth is sort of a “save for a rainy day” fantasy. Still, that’s an admirable showing from the Romney clan.
Sadly, Mitt’s boys are making fewer cameos on the campaign trail than they did the last time he ran for president. I’m a far cry from a political consultant, but maybe that’s why ol’ Mittsy only eked out ahead in Iowa?
You’ve got a fine pack of legitimately lickable pups, Papa Romney. Put them to good use and don’t deny us!
Image via LA Progressive