Abercrombie & Fitch finally apologized for its chairman and CEO Mike Jeffries’ ham-handed comments declaring A&F intentionally exclusionary, read “fat people ain’t cool.” Well, some aren’t, but there are plenty of skinny bitches, as well. Anyway…people were outraged, including the 18-year old with an eating disorder who got 68,000 people to sign an online petition at change.org, and Ellen, who nailed A&F with this fairly genius bit of proactive political monologue-ing on her show the other day.
Not to be left out, and in the spirit of piling on, here’s our response to Jeffries in the form of an appreciation of big guys we’d love to undress (such as Chris Pratt, pictured), or at least admire terribly, however tight their A&F polo might be.
Seth Rogan
His regular-guy, not-much-luck-with-the ladies image and stamp of approval from Barbra Streisand make him one of our favorites.
Chris Pratt
The comic Parks and Recreation actor dropped some lbs. for his role in the Oscar-nominated Zero Dark Thirty.
Jason Segal
This star of How I Met Your Mother and The Muppets better stop losing weight before he falls off this list. Super adorable, any size.
William Howard Taft
This was a big man who didn’t let his 300-lb-plus figure stop him from becoming both president of the United States and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. That’s huge!
Louis CK
CK’s insights on the human condition are dangerously self-lacerating, blue, and really f-ing funny. And funny is hot!
Henry VIII
The fact that Jonathan Rhys Meyers stars in The Tudors has nothing to with our attraction to Elizabeth I’s dad. We just like men in tights, with big appetites, who are royal, and can off their spouses when they’re done with them.
Vinny Guadagnino
The Jersey Shore star is beefy, sure, but fruity? According to one-time fling Snooki, hooking up with him was “like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.” Like we said, we like big guys!
Alec Baldwin
Back in his Hunt for Red October days, Baldwin was a callow youth — smokin sexy — but who doesn’t think Jack Donaghey filling out a bepoke suit is one of the hottest men alive?
Cee Lo Green
Hmm. Maybe if he was taller?
Jack Black
Still big, but needs to get back to being funnier. Bloated isn’t sexy.
Kenan Thompson
Still big and adorable all these years after Kenan and Kel? What’s up with that?!
Marlon Brando
The original sexiest man alive became a Hollywood giant after smoldering across the silver screen in A Streetcar Named Desire and later in Last Tango in Paris. He got really big around Apocalypse Now, but never lost his onscreen charisma. “The horror…” never sounded so sexy.
balehead
Does anybody still wear this after middle school?? Activists or whatevers should grow lives already….
fredo777
I would bone the meat off of Chris Pratt.
jeff4justice
There’s a difference between being big from muscle and being big from fat.
I became fat this past year – but when I wasn’t I still liked guys of all walks of life. I just like emotionally-open nice guys. Sure, attraction is either there or not, but a nice personality is far more valuable than a hot bod.
A guy can always lose weight. Losing a horrible personality is much harder to fix.
boring
Wow Queerty, your definition of beefy is unsurprisingly off the mark.
boring
All I’m saying is that my body has the general shape and texture of a rotting Jack-O-Lantern and I bet you wouldn’t throw a single shout-out to me.
RomanHans
Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, he’s really beefy. When I see him in his little suit I think, hey, that’s a smokin’ hot slab of man-flesh.
If I was trapped on a desert island with Jack Black and the rotting corpse of Anita Bryant, I’d spend the rest of my life thinking, before eventually dying of exploded balls and sunburn.
And I agree Louis CK looks pretty good with his clothes on. A couple times on his show he’s appeared in underwear. And every viewer has learned an important lesson: BEFORE YOU AGREE TO SLEEP WITH A GUY, MAKE HIM TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT.
boring
@RomanHans: You want a shock, check Louie’s early HBO sitcom where he does full frontal nudity. A lot. An ungodly amount of full frontal Louis C.K. nudity.
It’s like the ending sequence of 2001.
Kangol
I’m not feeling any of these guys, especially Segal, Jack Black, Seth Rogin, and all the other heffalumps Hollywood keeps trying to con us into liking. No thanks. There are really hot beefy men out there, like Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Chino XL, and Goldberg, but not a single one made your list.
MikeE
@Kangol: the guys you named aren’t “beefy”. they’re “steroidy”.
fredo777
@Kangol: None of those guys made the list because your definition of beefy is what most people consider meathead/musclehead.
Beefy guys aren’t necessarily beefy from muscle, but are otherwise solid/thick.
2eo
Don’t forget Taft had an affair with Mr. Burns mother.
fredo777
I didn’t view all the guys before commenting, but Vinny is one of my favorites (even though I don’t think he counts as the type of beefy this list is supposed to be about).
FStratford
Yuck. I hate A&F. Its for douchebags.
Caleb in SC
Cee-Lo Green? He’s a homophobic douche bag with T. Rex arms.
viveutvivas
That first guy is hot and what I used to think “beefy” meant, but he is hardly what people mean when they write “beefy” on their online profile. Online “beefy” is used as a synonym for overweight, sometimes obese.
Cobalt Blue
People has to have the right amount of muscle and fat to be called ‘ beefy ‘ Marlon Brando in his youth was beefy ( than became fat, obese…); Willian Baldwin is beefy. The others are obese or ‘ ordinary ‘ ( neither obese, nor muscular ) men.
miniskull
Sadly a lot of Asian men (espcially Asian gay bears) are wearing a lot of A&F. They all thought the clothes look athletic and cool, that’s all. They have no idea what kind of buyers A&F targeted in America.
viveutvivas
Well, Abercrombie did use to be very gay in the 90s and even early 00s. The Abercrombie boy was the clone of the 90s, a common gay stereotype.