A straight-identifying man in his 20s says heâs only ever slept with women, but lately heâs been chatting with dudes on Grindr and heâs not sure why, so heâs seeking advice from Julia Naftulin over at Insider.
âIâve only had sex with women,â the man writes, âbut I havenât been with any women in a while because Iâm a pretty picky dude.â
So he recently did what any straight-identifying man who hasnât gotten laid in a while does⌠He downloaded Grindr.
âIâve been going on Grindr and talking to other men with no intention of ever meeting them. I just like flirting with the people on there.â
How about we take this to the next level?
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Mostly.
But there was this one time when he decided to meet up with a guy and, well, weâll let him explained what happened:
I decided to meet up with one of the men. It was great at first, but things got sexual and when I saw his penis, I freaked out and immediately left. Why did I react that way? Am I definitely straight? I feel so uncomfortable asking these questions, especially since I see myself married with a wife and kids in the long run.
Now the man wonders, âWhy do I like going on gay dating apps when Iâm horny?â
In her response, Naftulin tells him that he needs to stop thinking about sexuality in such black-and-white terms.
âItâs normal to want to put yourself into a box when it comes to your sexuality, because, well, thatâs a human tendency,â she writes. âWe love to compartmentalize others, and ourselves, because it makes life easier. But sexuality is more complicated.â
Naftulin then explains how sexuality exists on a spectrum and that he might consider exploring where he falls on that spectrum.
âEven though youâre grown up, itâs not too late to explore that part of yourself. It seems to me youâve already started,â she says.
âFlirting with other men on Grindr is a great way to spur sexual exploration,â she continues, âand you shouldnât be ashamed about your curiosity and enjoyment in doing so.â
Related: âMostly straightâ guy thinks he might be falling for his roommate during quarantine
Hdtex
That he likes to flirt. I flirt with the ladies in the office when not stuck working form home. It means nothing. Enjoy flirting, it’s fun.
Cam
No surprise that the troll account that always defends anti-LGBTQ bigots would want to claim that a guy inching out of the closet isn’t real.
Go back to trollville.
Hdtex
@Cam: You will never get with me. Go away now, this will never be yours, no matter how you want it. And you’re being obvious again.
Cam
@Hdtex
Awww, I point out the troll account under all of it’s screenames is obsessed with me and it is so bad at this, it can’t even come up with it’s own response.
But again, I get it, the anti-LGBTQ troll account wants people to stay in the closet, so it can’t actually respond to this post.
Cam
“âIâve only had sex with women,â the man writes, âbut I havenât been with any women in a while because Iâm a pretty picky dude.â”
Except by “Picky” he means he wants a woman if she has a penis and a flat pecs instead of breasts.
To anyone who has come out of the closet this story doesn’t sound too unfamiliar. A completely straight guy would be going onto dating aps and chatting up women, not hitting up Grindr to randomly chat with guys and meeting up with them.
Once he gets over his internalized homophobia things will get better.
Donston
Liking to flirt with randoms is one things. Downloading a âgayâ app and meeting a dude adds other dimensions. Ultimately, thereâs a variety of things that could be going on. He could just like getting attention and affirmation with whoever. He could be a âgayâ and homosexual guy who has only had sexual interactions and relationships with women in his young life. Thatâs a thing for many. He could have greater sexual instincts and sexual comfort towards women but feel greater same-sex romantic attachment, emotional longing and need of attention and affection. Really, thereâs not enough info here to say anything.
This is the problem with getting so caught up in identity, ego and sociological expectations instead of just living your life and doing what you really want to do. Fluidity is a real experience for some. So is âquestioningâ. Many folks develop certain paraphiliacs. And the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum is wide and varied. Just be honest with yourself and make sure whatever u do is not determined by ego and sociology.
Hussain-TheCanadian
He freaked out from seeing a penis because sh*t got too real? When he left his date hanging (pun intended yes), did he hop on a unicorn as he escaped?
controversial2019
Itâs always hilarious to read the same comments on here over and over again; that every man who does the slightest âgayâ thing (even once) is a closet case. Every time.
I had a 19 month (sexual) relationship with a woman before I âcame outâ as gay. Does that mean Iâm ACTUALLY straight due to my one experience? No. And none of you would say otherwise. Yet when a guy who identifies as straight, and has only been with women, has one interaction with a man, itâs like the Witch Trials and you all scream âGay Witchâ.
The guy might be curious. The curiosity might be over now that he freaked over a penis (I get that; some can look VERY aggressive!). Or he might just be someone that likes being complimented or flirted with. Maybe the chats with men donât really mention their dongs so when the chat turns to him getting a hole or head, he pictures women and the enjoyment comes from the fact that the gay men are so much more graphic with their descriptions.
We donât know. We donât know him. We donât know his mind.
He could be gay (although Iâve never known a gay man to be freaked out by peen, even those who donât want to be gay). Likewise he might not be.
How about we donât tar him with the same brush as âevery other gayâ. We all know how much the commenters on here cry when Queerty do a news article where a hetero dares to stereotype us…always interesting to see the hypocrisy come out and the commenters to do the same.
Cam
@controversial2019 said….
”
Itâs always hilarious to read the same comments on here over and over again; that every man who does the slightest âgayâ thing (even once) is a closet case. Every time.”
If you think thinking about sex with men, downloading a gay hookup app, connecting with guys on it and meeting up for sex is “slight”” LOL!
At least you’re consistent, BOTH of your screenames on here are desperate to defend the closet.
Hdtex
Isn’t it fun to watch him go psychotic when two people agree?
Yeah, if the guy goes further, great. If it’s just fun to flirt, great. Let him decide that in his own time, not that of some Queerty poster with no power, no maturity, and who likes to accuse everybody who disagrees with him of being a troll.
Plus, like any of us would have the time to rabbit job comments that much anyway. I, anyway, have a life. Not much of one right now, but a life nonetheless…
Cam
@Hdtex
Translation: You came out to defend the comments. Made your little obsessive posts after I commented, and now are still trying.
Isn’t it about time for you to switch screenames and say the exact same thing under your comments to pretend it isn’t just one troll account with 14 different screenames?
Hdtex
The bait isn’t that attractive, sorry, not unlike you.
Donston
Sometimes folks just want validation/affirmation/an ego boost from any source, especially if their options are limited. But really, thereâs not enough here. All he says is that he envisions being married to a woman and having kids and that he freaked out at the site of penis. He doesnât really talk about his attractions, affections, romantic feelings, emotional longing, relationship contentment, etc. (And yes, it could be a made up scenario). So, itâs virtually impossible to tell what might really be going on. All you can do is tell him to really dive into his dimensions and/or motivations. But you canât flat-out dismiss it because he is âquestioningâ things.
CurtisIsTheOne
@CAM. Give it a break. There ARE people who disagree with your take who aren’t homophobic or logging in with multiple accounts. But then again, you’d just dismiss my comment as one of a multitude of accounts I allegedly have. This is the ONLY SCREENNAME I USE. And then again, gurlfriend, how do we KNOW that you don’t have multiple accounts as well? Or multiple personalities? LOL. It may be time for you to recognize that the LGBTQ community has a multitude of opinions, some of which don’t necessarily correlate with YOUR OPINIONS. It’s called diversity. And btw, it’s fine to call out homophobes. I’ve done it a few times also. But not every time I disagree with someone who posts on Queerty.
controversial2019
*Cue empty screams of Troll because someone dared to disagree with the majority opinion – oh my, how dare they!*
Cam
Sweetie, you’ve tried this tactic under all of your other screenames. It never keeps people from pointing out your trolling.
Hdtex
It’s become a habit everywhere. Either cries of Troll or Russian. And if you point that out, it leads to cries of Troll and Russian. đ
I’ve become convinced that rational discourse is dead. It’s mostly that schools no longer teach it, and nobody is interested in discussion any longer anyway. Somebody actually argued with me about a direct chemical effect yesterday on another board. This is, literally, a published fact.
Jack Meoff
I’d say he just seeks validation because he probably can’t get dates with women.
Cam
So your contention is every guy coming out of the closet is just an ugly guy who can’t get laid?
I wasn’t aware that the stereotype for gay guys was that all of them are just too ugly to get laid by women.
controversial2019
@Cam
Where did I defend him? Did I say he ISNâT gay? No. In fact youâll find that I said maybe he is.
My point is that you donât know him. We donât know him. So we canât just assume.
Itâs evident from all your posts that you think you know every thing about every user when you actually know sweet FA.
Accusing people of being trolls because they disagree with you. Wrongfully assuming that if more than one person disagrees with you, then all of those disagreeing with you must be the same person using different screen names.
Seriously, itâs a shame you donât actually have any power here so you could check log in records etc. and realise that your assumptions are so wrong; it might help you grow up a bit.
Cam
If you’re going to pretend you aren’t a troll it isn’t a good idea to lie about what somebody said on the exact same thread where the original comment can be seen.
I never said you defended “Him”. I said you, as always, defended the closet.
But then again, you knew that, and had to lie about it so you could create a false narrative to argue against.
I’d say “Nice try” but it was actually really poorly done.
mailliw110
He looks familiar….
tjack47
I always find it funny to read something about a guy seeing a penis and freaking out. Then he smashes his girlfriend’s head down on it, because, of course she is supposed to love it. Then he makes sweet, sweet love to his own penis. It’s also laughable to me when a guy says he’s never tasted semen. I can’t imagine any guy who’s never masturbated and gotten semen in their own mouth. That’s just bound to happen.
Relax. You don’t have to be a label. Man, you got to roll with it, Baby.
vinnieboiblue
To me it means, his ego needs to be fed be it with a guy or girl. It is not about the person he is with now, but his own insecurity. The knowledge he can score with either sex gives him a sense of pride. Almost as if saying “if you leave me, I have someone else I can hook up with”. If it is constant, I would drop the guy.
david_warner
This is just dumb and completely unbelievable. Someone made this up just to be provocative. And if by any chance in hell it’s true, he’s either a jackass catfisher or a closet case looking for his first dick to suck.