THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: Fashion Crisis Hits Bon Temps!

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True BloodIn fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: Fashion Report!



The shoulder pads. The red leather/pleather/whatever. The fishnets! If Pam were to meet her true death, someone better hide every other iteration of this outfit. Because no one will ever wear it as fiercely.

Grade: A+

 

Emma, I know that you’re only a child, but don’t bore me again. Sure, you look cute in fur, but you can’t keep wearing it over and over again and not expect me to call you out.

Grade: B+

 



My graph from last week on this atrocity still stands. Nope. Horrible. Stop. Eyes. Burning.

Grade: F

 

 



For a man who looks like he walks through walls instead of around them, the pink duvet is an unexpected choice. But anytime Alcide covers his body, I feel a twinge of disappointment for the sexiness I’m missing.
Grade: A-

 



Sookie, Sookie, Sookie. Dressing like a tablecloth only makes all of your problems worse.

Grade: C

 



Terry and Whatshisname did an exceptional job of coordinating their dull subplot with some homogenous earth tones. I’m simultaneously impressed and sleepy. Bravo!

Grade: A

 



I don’t care if these are uniforms, when two people show up wearing the same thing, one is required to change. End. Of. Story.

Grade: C+

 



Salome, don’t think we wouldn’t recognize your “Sexy Secretary” outfit from Halloween. Wearing the same costume twice? For shame.

Grade: C-

 



Just because you play golf doesn’t give you the right to subject us to it.

Grade: D

 



The best thing about fairy outfits is that you can spot them with your eyes closed. However, golden-bird pins belong in the Hunger Games not True Blood. So unless you’re saving Peeta and his bread-baking beautifulness from peril, put that accessory back into the mystical charm box it came from.

Grade: B

 



You’ve been unearthed for like half-a-season already, right? This mess shouldn’t be happening. Pull yourself together, Russell.

Grade: C-

 



Oh, good. You found a Chico’s.

Grade: B-

 

Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. His expertise on clothes comes from having a season pass to Fashion Police. Photo credit: HBO

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10 Comments

  • KILLSTRATEGY

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AMAZING.

  • VONDA

    Who cares why Anderson came out. He’s out and the community (world) is all the better for it!!! Actually I knew it a LONG time ago. Just thought everybody knew it!!! Was surprised that it was “NEWS”
    (PS. I’m a straight 79 year old great grandma) LOL Now I’m “out” as straight!!!!

  • MJ (different from the other one)

    @VONDA: wrong article

  • Gauthier

    Yasssss!! Thanks Jason, I can go to sleep now (it’s 00.35 here), having had my monday dose of True Blood satire!

  • Joan Rivers

    You will not get away with this blatant ripoff. My lawyers will be in touch with you soon!

  • RayJacksonMS

    Congratulations on coming out Vonda and I think we all knew about Anderson.

  • Beth

    I contemplated adding shoulder pads into my fashion repertoire for half a second then I remembered that I am not Pam and never in a million years would be able to pull it off.

    Also, this show needs more Alfie Woodard. It’s like they magically found the exact point in time and space that I would laugh like a hyena at a mother saying, “Jesus love the little faggots!” to her gay son. That entire scene was awesome.

  • jo

    Love this. More of this. Thank you, Jason. -jo

  • Cam

    With Pam and especially with Hoyt they seemed to be going very 80’s.

  • raisedsouth

    HILARIOUS! Anderson Cooper should be a vampire so he stays sexy gray man forever!!

Comments are closed.