A ROYAL MESS

Which RuPaul Drag Racer Had A Mental Breakdown Onstage?

NOTE: Technical difficulties prevented us from posting this during the show, but here it is!

8PM – The grand prize for RuPaul’s Drag Race includes $75,000? The past seasons’ contestants all competed for just $25,000. Suckers.

8:02 PM – Everyone sheds a millisecond’s worth of tears for Carmen being eliminated a second time. Raja admits that he lost his cherry by being the bottom last week. But we have a feeling he lost his cherry being the bottom loooooong ago.

8:07 PM – Then Ru comes in wearing a striped button up coat straight out of the Mary Tyler Moore show and says that for the mini-challenge the girls have to sell something on the Ru home shopping channel. Raja sells his “gaff” which is apparently some sort of genital taming device. Manila sells a hairspray slash table polish spray. Jara sells a big mangy blonde braid that looks like it was stolen off of Rapunzel. She sells it using her usual horrible high-pitched clown voice. Alexis Mateo sells handmade pads for your saddlebags and ass. Luckily, many viewers who actually watch home shopping networks already have natural padding for their asses.

8:14 PM – Ru announces the winner of the mini-challenge by scrubbing her butt with the long twisted braid she bought from Jara. Ru then gives Jara a million “Ru Dollars” to play with and then announces that the girls must make three outfits for a huge drag ball: first a swimsuit “hot enough to attract a billionaire, then cocktail attire for after 5 ‘o clock, and then an evening gown “eleganza” using two and a half million Ru paper dollars. Ru says “I want you to create a dress that literally screams ‘money!'” which is gonna be hard because how can you train money to literally scream?

8:22 PM – As the panic begins to set in girls slave away and Raja comments that she feels like a glamorous sweatshop worker. Alexis complains that the judges always hate her body because she’s constantly criticized for having misplaced pads all over it. Then Jara starts swearing a blue streak because she accidentally hot glued a dollar to the back of her hand. Alexis begins slowly circling the drain as she has never tried making a bathing suit before. Even Raja puts on a gold lame tarp over his shoulders and decides that he hates it and will have to start all over again. Then Ru comes in once more.

8:25 PM – When Ru asks, Alexis says that her real competition is Jara… Jara’s definitely the least of her worries. In fact, we’re pretty sure she’s probably gonna go home this week. Jara says she used to make dresses in Puerto Rico and that she wants to come and make fashion in the United States. Ru says that Jara should come back because “we need more wearable art.” Ummm… don’t forget affordable health care, Ru… and better schools. We kinda need those too.

8:27 PM – Raja reveals that he stays skinny by doing yoga, Pilate’s, and that if he wins Drag Race he’ll finally have that gastric bypass surgery he’s always wanted. But we all know his real secret (sticks finger down throat).

8:28 PM – Ru announces that on top of the ass-rape of work she’s already placed on them that there will also be a twist… of course, because Ru always like fucking her girls over mid-show. Ru wants the girls to choreograph a group number to kick off the ball to Latoya Jackson’s “Just Wanna Dance.” Jara’s in charge of directing the number which is a really shitty “prize” for winning the challenge. They should have given that crap to the loser.

8:30 PM – Alexis continues to crash and burn as he “just wants this to be over.” But luckily for her, Raja wants this to be over as well. So if Alexis just holds out… maybe Raja will quit first! But no… Alexis starts packing her bag and then walks out of the work room for good. Oh no! Who will fill her enormously large breasts?

8:35 PM – After the commercial break, Alexis predictably walks back in and starts hot gluing gold lame together. Jara wears a turban this entire episode that makes him look like Professor Quirell from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

8:38 PM – Fans of this show will know how much it looks like the third to last episode in season 2 where the girls all participated in the Diva awards. As always, there’s one girl who can’t get the choreography. This time around it’s Raja. During the rehearsal, Jara and Alexis reveal that they have great big bouncing Puerto Rican asses that make men’s mouths water. That’s good because Manila and anorexic Raja both have skeleton asses that cave in on themselves about midway.

8:40 PM – As the ladies put the finishing touches on their dresses. Jara’s dress looks like a nightmare out of a bad Michel Gondry video. “RuPaul’s gonna love it!” she exclaims! Uhh… umm… no.

8:42 PM – The girls all come out in their bikinis for the opening number and they all actually look H-O-T-T!! Then, as the actual runway show starts Jara comes out looking like a merry widow getting ready for Liberace’s funeral straight out of a film noir. Alexis’ cha-cha cocktail dress makes her look like a golden Carmen Miranda. Manila comes out rocking lots of golden disco shirt that’s wide and fabulous. Raja comes out looking like a pouty spoiled heiress in a simple golden baby doll dress and a party hat.

8:44 PM – Now for the big dollar gowns! Jara comes out wearing her money monstrosity… it looks horrid. One judge says that Alexis’ dress looks kinda like “The Little Mermaid” meets Lil’ Kim. Then out struts “Imelda Markup” Manila rocking big-hair and a Texas tycoon gown made mostly of pink and blue bills with a big pink shoulder flourish and flower in her hair. The Raja comes out wearing a rad flapper dress with differently colored layers of bills that make her look like a parrot… a very beautiful parrot that will undoubtedly find itself in the top 3!

8:45 PM – The judge’s critique: Jara tried to pull an Alexander McQueen but Mike Ruiz says it looks like she got run over by a Brinks truck. They say her cocktail dress performance as the merry widow was morose. LaToya didn’t like Alexis’ simple cocktail dress or bikini which was too low cut and too “abuelita” for Michelle. Manila says that her crumpled dollar dress was inspired by all her drag money being crumpled up in her purse after shows. The judges loved her French Riviera bikini and her golden disco shirt. Raja’s simple baby-doll outfit reminded with the cone hat reminds one of the judges of the tin man… and not in a good way.

8:50 PM – RuPaul asks everyone why they think they should be the next drag superstar. Jara “Says that she’s so broke that she doesn’t have anything in her bank and her credit card is maxed out.” So basically she deserves to win because she really needs the cash. Alexis wants to be the winner so she can win with “honor, respect and pride.” Uhh… that is NOT a reason, Alexis. Manila feels like she’s not a Cinderella story and she has a beautiful supportive family and she would spread that message of love so we can push ourselves to love more. LOGO makes sure to add triumphant Hallmark music in case you didn’t know how to feel.

8:52 PM – In the best response of the night, Raja wants to leave a legacy for all the little boys who are teased, afraid, and express their selves creatively. He wants to be an example who is proud, accomplished, and proud of what he does. He even gets teary-eyed as he delivers his speech. Ruiz is so touched (because he was that faggy little boy growing up) that he doesn’t even care what Raja was wearing, he just wants that bitch in the top 3! Is there anyone left who thinks she won’t win this thing?

8:55 PM – C’mon, we all know that Jara’s going home. Manila wins this challenge — that’s two weeks in a row. Raja is safe which means the Latinas have to battle it out! They do Patti LaBelle’s “I Think About You” a song my mom describes as “terribly depressing.” True to form, Jara tears off her clothes and wig, has a mental breakdown, and begins crying in a crumpled lump on stage as Alexis continues cluelessly lip-synching. The judges watch the tiny Puerto Rican queen weep exhaustedly on stage as Patti LaBelle’s song inappropriately rages on. This is undoubtedly the saddest goddamn lip synch for your life ever. Alexis is crying, Mike Ruiz is crying, LaToya Jackson is crying. Everyone is crying.

8:57 PM – After the awfully depressing display, RuPaul tries to make Jara feel better by saying crap like, “You are a star!” And Jara looks all like, “Yeah, OK, right, bitch.” And though I never thought weird little Jara should ultimately win, I certainly didn’t want to see her ruby heart crushed during a horrible song on national television. I’m gonna have to ingest a whole Quaalude to forget this sad event.

NEXT WEEK: They do the stupid season re-cap show of highlights from the entire season. Will we be here to cover it? Only our budget department knows for sure!