So you’re about to take the plunge and go from two beds to one, eh? Well congratulations, you two are sickeningly cute and in love. That said, you’d better be sure moving in with your partner is the right choice, and that’s not always the easiest thing to determine.
Scroll down for six pitfalls to beware when weighing your options
1. “It makes economic sense.”
When generating the pros and cons of moving in together, putting economics on the “pros” list is the biggest mistake you can make. Sharing a room, a bed, a life with someone is not like watching Death Becomes Her on Netflix for the two hundredth time instead of seeing Interstellar in IMAX. There are lots of wonderful reasons to move in together, but money isn’t one of them. And cheap rent is way too tempting — so much so that it’ll blind you of any potential deal breakers. Suddenly slicing your rent in half sounds dreamy, but you’re giving up more than square footage. You’d better be rock solid on what you’re getting back in return.
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2. Assuming your roommates are cool with it
Unless you or your honey boo boo live alone, there are more people than just the two of you to keep in mind. You may think your roommates are totally cool with your guy officially becoming a part of the family, but don’t assume that just because the four of you stayed up late drinking whiskey and playing Cards Against Humanity that they automatically welcome this big change. If they aren’t into it, don’t hold it against them. You and your partner’s needs aren’t the only ones that have to be met.
3. Losing yourself in the equation, or engulfing your partner
Chances are, your vision of the perfect living space is going to clash with your partner’s. There will be a natural tendency for one of your aesthetics to start to edge out over the other’s. This can gradually lead to one of you feeling like you’ve disappeared. If your boyfriend is moving into your place, or vice versa, one idea is to take everything down from the walls and start from scratch. Incorporate both of you into the physical space and you’ll feel like you’re both equal partners in this new endeavor.
4. Not making time for each other
You might expect that by living together, you don’t need to consciously make time for your partner. You’ll be seeing him every day, after all. But that’s exactly why you do still need to set aside time with the person you love. Just “being around” each other isn’t necessarily being close. There’s the internet, cell phones and junk TV all constantly within an arm’s reach. Proximity does not equal intimacy. Go on dates; leave your phones at home.
5. Not making time for yourself
Just as important as keeping that spark going with your other half is realizing how silly the term “other half” is. Though you may have been in a steady and stable place with your partner for years, it’ll be as important as ever to find “me time” once the two of you are shacked up. The best description we’ve heard of a successful relationship is when two people are spinning independently in harmony. Get one-on-one time with friends, even if they’re mutual friends of both of you. Stay engaged in what makes you happy and you’ll bring a grounded, satisfied you back to your relationship.
6. Thinking it’ll be a breeze
You’re taking a huge step with your lover — perhaps your best friend, too — and there’s a lot to be excited about. But if you think the road ahead won’t be bumpy because the two of you are just so “in sync,” you’re in for a rude awakening. You know those moments when you get so frustrated in your relationship you have to get some space until you cool off? Yeah, those will still come but then you’ll also have to watch your partner not clean the sink after he spits his toothpaste all over it. Living with someone isn’t easy, and sometimes it isn’t fun.
And yet somehow it can also be the best thing in the world.
You’ve been warned! Now please continue being disgustingly cute.
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Scribe38
Not married, but have lived with the same man for 20 years (No marriage equality in Mi). Instead of tearing down the story above, I will just post some reasons to make a commitment to someone.
1. You have found a decent man who cares as much for you as himself (They are very rare, and pushing him away b/c you need personal space may end with him being the perfect husband for someone else).
2. You want all the rights given to every other married person. You want to decide medical decisions, not his mom who hates you. You want him to receive your house, pension, and porn collection when you die.
3. Life sort of sucks when it is lived alone. Yeah a bunch of random sex can be fun, and friends are awesome, but there is nothing like having a dude of your own who is always there for you.
TrueWords
Cohabitation Facts
Your relationship will change when you live together; it is a completely different entity to what you had when you were just dating.
Moving in together will not help a hurting relationship. If it was troubled before, the issues will become magnified and more trying when under the same roof 24/7.
You will have to compromise and be more flexible. How you managed your home and life when you lived solo now needs to be negotiated with another’s outlook. You will be giving up a degree of independence.
If you or your boyfriend is still “in the closet” and having continued “coming-out” struggles, living together will pose some additional challenges as it will be difficult over time to hide your relationship. You will need to be prepared to face the reactions of your family, friends, neighbors, and perhaps even your job.
Pre-Move-In Questions
Here are some questions you and your man could ponder as you come closer to making a decision about your living arrangements. Communicate with each other about all of these issues to ensure mutual understanding and agreement.
Why do I want to move in together? What does it mean to me? What are my motives? If it’s for convenience, financial security, or because you think you “should” do it, these are not the right reasons. Only go for it if you’re comfortable with your partner, are fully committed, and are confident in your compatibility and have no doubts that you’re a good fit.
What do I want to get out of living together? What are my expectations of myself and my partner?
How will we consolidate? Where will we live? How will we combine our belongings? How will we manage finances and domestics?
Is the timing right for us at this very moment?
What You And Your Partner Can Do For Cohabitation Success
Before you guys move in, ensure that you’re completely committed to each other and the process, that you’re open and honest about anything and everything and have a solid foundation of trust and mutual respect, and that you have a shared vision for your relationship and future.
Communication is key. Share with each other your fears and concerns, as well as your joys. Always keep the channels of dialogue open, regularly “check-in” with each other, and never keep things you’re feeling bottled up inside.
Set some ground rules BEFORE you move in, defining your home climate and expectations so there are no surprises. Be flexible in sorting out who does what and mix up the roles periodically.
There will be lots of shared decision-making. Make sure the two of you have a good system in place for productive problem-solving and healthy anger management. Emphasize the positives in your relationship when things get rough.
Practice living together before you actually do by “playing house.” Practice domestic roles in each other’s separate residences or go on an extended vacation where you’ll constantly be together to gauge the strengths and weaknesses you see from all the “togetherness.” Try it on for size!
Jonty Coppersmith
If saving money on expenses is the primary motivation for living together, the relationship will most likely fail. If there are other roommates, there will be added stress in the relationship, so it’s best if just the two of you are living together.
Excellent advice from Scribe38 and TrueWords. The bottom line is that relationships/marriages are not easy. They take work, compromise and commitment. I think the most common problems that couples face include: issues of trust and fidelity, how to handle finances, a shared vision of what your life together will be like, substance abuse, division of labor, and how to handle disagreements.
First and foremost, if you have agreed that you will be monogamous, honor that commitment and don’t put yourself in situations that will lead to excess temptation. There has to be balance. While we all need personal time, if you are routinely leaving your partner at home to go out partying with your friends that is likely to be a big problem. If you have agreed to a more open arrangement, the two of you must come to a mutual understanding of exactly how that will work and abide by the rules.
Money is a big problem for many couples. Will you each maintain separate finances? Who will be responsible for paying which bills? Will you pool your money and pay everything from a joint account? How much will go into savings, into retirement? Is one person more of a spender who loves to shop and sometimes goes on sprees? Do you discuss and agree on big ticket items ahead of time? Does one partner make more money? If so, does he treat the other partner as less than equal? Does he use his higher income as an excuse to make all the decisions?
Do you both share a similar vision of your life together? Where will you live? Do you both agree on whether or not to have children? Will you be out of the closet as a couple or must your relationship be kept secret in some aspects of your lives such as at work or with one of your families? Where and how will you spend major holidays? Together, with his family, with your family, alternating families? What will happen if one of your parents needs to be cared for, needs to live with you someday?
Does one person drink too much and begin to miss work because of hangovers? Will the other partner just walk away, stay and seethe with resentment, or stay and provide constructive support?
Who will do which chores? Does one person cook while the other cleans up, or does one partner expect to sit and watch TV while the other does the cooking and the cleaning? Who does the yard work? Who does the housework? The laundry, etc.?
Discuss your pasts and how they have contributed to who you are as individuals. If either person harbors hurt or resentment because of childhood experiences, learn to deal with that constructively and don’t take things out on your partner. Learn how to deal with anger because you will experience anger at some point. If you respond by lashing out, screaming and saying cruel, vicious things the relationship will not last. In my experience, the first few years together can be the most difficult because you are getting to know each other more fully and honestly. You don’t ever fully know a person until you live together. Even then it can be difficult to truly know each other if one or both members are holding a part of themselves back and not fully sharing their true thoughts and feelings.
These are just some of the issues that we’ve dealt with over the years. It is too easy to just walk away at the first sign of anger or disagreement. Both partners must be very committed to making the things work if you are aiming for a long-lasting relationship.
Merv
Don’t assume that sleeping together in the same bed every night is the only option, or that not choosing this option means the relationship is in trouble. Sometimes, people are incompatible sleepers due to snoring, light sleeping, or other reasons, and it can lead to resentment. Other sleeping options include sleeping together on some nights, but sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms other nights. Or you might sleep together at the beginning of the evening, and then retire to separate beds for the rest of the night.
onthemark
It’s funny how gay men in relationships always want to brag about how much “hard work” it is. Apparently it’s harder work than almost anyone’s actual job nowadays. Geez, they make it sound like 19th-century coal mining, or sharecropping cotton. Only with no pay. (Well the other name for that was usually “slavery” but let’s not go there.)
Nah – I’m far from being a hedonist, but unless it’s fairly easy and definitely FUN, I’m not interested. You guys are gonna have to do a better sales pitch than this! And if it’s simpler and prevents a lot of problems to just live apart, that sounds fine to me.
mastik8
There used to be a saying about becoming an actor. Something along the lines of if you can think of a single other thing that you could do – then you should do it. Google “living apart together”, then do that. You don’t gain nearly as much as you think you will by living together and you lose far more than you thought you could and would.
MarionPaige
The “missing point” in this story is the definition of “What Is The Typical Male Couple”? There is an old book titled The Male Couple that attempted to define the typical long-term gay couple. I have to assume that things probably have changed a bit since that book was written. However, at that time, the typical LONG TERM male couple had a considerable age difference between them. So,
Where there is a considerable age difference between the parties, there will most likely be a “wealth / income” difference. And, that will likely result in the younger less well off party moving in with the older party.
One has to assume also that if both parties are young, in their twenties, today, that economics will in fact be a major factor in the decision to share living expenses. I don’t know about other cities, but for a while in New York City, I was always hearing these stories about FORMER LOVERS who were still living together because neither one could afford to move out. Keep in mind that, in New York City, rents can be raised on apartments with new tenants, so, moving into a “new” apartment will most definitely cost you more money than a comparable apartment you are already in.
AND THEN THERE IS THE FUCKED-UP FACTOR, which has to be addressed. Let’s face it, more likely than not, GAY means that you have been abused and/or discriminated against at some point. And when you have TWO possibly abused / discriminated against people moving in together, what are the odds that that will be a healthy thing?
Contrary to all the gay marriage bullshit in the news, the trend in America for years now has been that there are more single adults living alone.
Saint Law
@MarionPaige: “I’m alone coz no one can stand me.”
There I saved your readers the chore of wading through all that.
Mykaels
I want to meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, and live happily ever after…right next door to them.
I am a horrible person to live with. I accept that. My boyfriend bought his first house. I helped him pick it out, tore hell fury during the negotiations to get a lower price and make the home owner pay for closing costs, and even found him a good yard service.
But I will not live there. We both understand that. I spend every other weekend there, and an occasional week night (I keep a spare change of work clothes there) and that’s enough, haha. I LOVE my little studio efficiency and my minimalist living, he needs space for tons of crap and wood working and crafting. He is a mess and I am super clean.
But when we get together it just all works out
MarionPaige
When you read about sexless marriages and married people having open relationships and couples inviting thirds into their “relationships”, at the very least, you have to accept that people today “live together” for reasons not clearly defined.
It was “interesting” to read an interview with actor / model Jamie Dornan who got a roommate even though he clearly could afford to live alone. Dornan was quoted as saying that when he went home, it was nice to have someone there.