See, it's all very simple.

The Onion offers an exclusive, entirely satirical report!

The satirical journos over at The Onion turned their stink eye on Mitt Romney earlier this week.

Watch as they probe Romney's apparent gay love. The Republican has "relied so heavily on the bigot vote," that homo-tolerance may destroy his campaign. And, quite frankly, he has three options: enact a hate crime, call an opponent or public figure a "faggot" or he should "come out and explain from his own experience why he finds gays to be subhuman degenerates." The sad thing is that he probably would if he thought it would grab votes.

Finally, the Onion News Network gets a straight answer on why the government prohibits gays from serving in the military:

Under no circumstances can we put America's homosexuals in danger… Gays of America are the only group left untouched by war. They're special, pure and rare, like a gleaming diamond… It has been the solemn oath of every man in uniform to lay down his life in defense of America's precious, precious homosexuals.

Also learned: one gay life's worth seven straight soldiers. We estimated eight, but we were pretty close. That counts for something, right?

The Onion's Brandon Kelley wants to know one thing: why are gays so fucking efficient? An excerpt:

…It seems that no matter what I do, there's always more. If they put another eight hours in the day, I might be able to catch up on the laundry list of chores I have, or even just my laundry, if I were lucky. But you know who really gets it done? Homosexuals.

I know what you're saying: Brandon, you're just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I'm saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight guys look bad.

We're sorry, Brandon. Here's some advice - everyday when you wake up, pretend like there's a giant vagina right on your heels. It keeps us running straight through the day (insert rimshot here).