A Grand Old Party

16 Queers Who Could Be President If The World Was A Little Gayer

Republicans have fielded a clown car full of candidates for next year’s presidential elections, some of whom couldn’t run a used car dealership let alone the nation. But the Democrats have kept their numbers down. Of the five original candidates, Hillary Clinton could sleep walk to the nomination, and sometimes it seems she actually is.

Indeed, as the GOP Death Watch continues, there is a very real possibility that a woman will succeed a black man as the leader of the western world. So why not start imagining the next step in our progress toward total enlightenment–an LGBTQ president, perhaps even a queer Republican president. Sure, the odds are long. But so is dating Ian Thorpe.

As the GOP gathers for yet another debate about how to limit America to people like them, what better way to liven up the party than speculating about the 16 LGBT people who should–or at least theoretically could–occupy the White House some day.

Let’s get this party started with our faves. Add your own in the comments section below.

1. Representative Jared Polis (D-CO)

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Congressman Polis is gay, but he’s also pro-business, meaning he can unite two constituencies. He recently voted in favor of the TPP trade deal even after liberals decried it because it provides favorable status to some nations know for the persecution of gays and would raise the price of HIV medication. Polis, a successful entrepreneur who sold his company for nearly one billion in cash, believes that the best way to win human rights is through more interaction and more business dealings, rather than less. With his own considerable fortune and this overture to the Fortune 500, he certainly would not lack for funds.

2. Leslie Jordan

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America’s favorite teacup gay has a loyal following of suburban soccer moms, but is he tough enough to face down Putin? Based off his recent encounter with a homophobe at a West Hollywood Starbucks, it looks like he could at least tackle Boy George.

3. Annise Parker

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Houston’s lesbian mayor is out of a job next month so why not begin the groundwork for higher office? With state government dominated by Republicans, her only hope is federal office if she wants to continue her career in politics. She lost her battle with the religious right on election day when the Houston inclusive human rights ordinance was repealed, so she might fare better with the more liberal national electorate. With public disgust at Washington running at an all-time high, a capable urban mayor from a conservative state might not fare badly at all.

4. Lana Wachowski

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The famous director and producer knows what the general public wants to see. She’s not afraid to take big risks and comes with a built in running mate – her brother, Andy. Americans, however, don’t seem inclined to swallow the red pill; they’re happy living in the Matrix.

5. Senator Tammy Baldwin (D-WI)

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Senator Baldwin isn’t known for her flashy style. In fact, she’s not particularly well known outside of her home state and the LGBT community except as “the lesbian who looks kinda like Elizabeth Warren if you squint hard enough.” But she’s got charisma, looks the part of a lesbian president, and is from a solid midwestern state that could appeal to the white working class.

6. Don Lemon

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The Republicans have Donald Trump traipsing through their ranks spouting off inanity and utter nonsense, so it only seems fair that Democrats let Lemon in to play. He’s pretty and isn’t afraid to speak his mind. Sometimes he even uses it. And lord knows he’s a smooth talker, with the television experience rivaling even The Donald.

7. David Geffen

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The liberal philanthropist is a brilliant investor, knows how to spot rising stars like no one’s business, and is well connected to both the Clintons and President Obama. In fact, he’s brought cute younger guys to White House functions, so at least he knows his way around the place. As a billionaire he could self-fund his own campaign to prove his financial independence from special interests. And if there’s one thing America hates, it’s a nonsense-free reasonable solution that wasn’t dreamed up by a corporation. OMG!! Forget about that! Did you hear what Dom Lemon just said?!

8. Wanda Sykes

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Hillary Clinton may be hawkish, but Skyes’ eagle eye sees what the average voter needs. Plus, her progressive politics would let her compete with Bernie Sanders but with none of the eccentric grandpa factor working against her.

9. Barney Frank

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank listens to U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner testify before the committee on Capitol Hill in Washington in this October 29, 2009 file photo. Representative Frank, the outspoken, witty Democrat closely tied to the 2008 U.S. bank bailout, faces a tough re-election battle after 15 terms in office at a time when incumbency itself is a liability. Challenging the Massachusetts liberal is Republican Sean Bielat, an Iraq war veteran, and opinion polls suggest Frank has an uncomfortably narrow lead over a political unknown. REUTERS/Larry Downing/File (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS ELECTIONS HEADSHOT)

The former congressman’s rapier wit makes him an attack mode savant and he has actual legislative accomplishments from his years of service in the house. He could recycle his old campaign slogan, “neatness isn’t everything,” and scoop up basement dwelling millennials. He even comes complete with a gay sex scandal! His somewhat mumbled speech could prove a problem or an advantage by making his actual positions indecipherable and thus acceptable to everyone.

10. Brian Sims

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Brian Sims is an astute politician, social justice champion and, let’s face it, a total stud. The Pennsylvania state representative recently announced his candidacy for Congress, so our hopes of seeing a Sims administration may have to wait a few terms. Keep your eye on him though; he’s going places.

11. Chad Griffin

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Griffin’s killer smile, friendliness, impressive record on marriage quality, and political rolodex probably won’t be enough to convince Democrats to give him a shot in 2016, but it took the equally generic Mitt Romney a few tries, too.

12. Anthony Romero

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Currently the executive director of the ACLU, Romero would be as versed in the Constitution as Antonin Scalia when he took the oath of office but with less of the political bombast. Named one of Time Magazine’s 25 Most Influential Hispanics in 2005, he’s spent decades fighting for minorities and championing equalty. While he’s helped to shepherd legislation through Congress and managed a massive budget, he hasn’t had to answer to the general electorate – only a board of directors.

13. RuPaul

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What list of queer celebrities compiled since 1993 hasn’t included RuPaul? Insert your own joke about perennial candidate Ron Paul here.

14. Kate Brown

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Oregon’s bisexual governor doesn’t have a full year of executive experience under her belt yet, but she’s proven herself a more than competent manager and politician throughout her career in government. She may not be ripe for the presidency yet, but with a little more experience, her calm demeanor may be exactly what voters crave. And of course she would appeal to both the gay and non-gay demographic.

15. Margaret Cho

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She’s a bisexual Asian, covered in tattoos, and has a foul mouth. She may not be electable in middle America, but we can dream about a Cho administration speaking truth to power. At least she’s already “Prime Minister of the Gays.”

16. Aisha Moodie-Mills

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The Victory Fund’s new executive director, Moodie-Mills may be the most serious entry on the list. She’s energetic, incredibly intelligent, good looking, personable, and has a photogenic family. Moodie-Mills is the perfect candidate for higher office and she knows it.

Honorable mentions

Ellen Page

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The progressive Canadian actress isn’t legally eligible to be president, but, hey, that hasn’t stopped Ted Cruz.

Caitlyn Jenner

Caitlyn Jenner accepts the Arthur Ashe award for courage at the ESPY Awards at the Microsoft Theater on Wednesday, July 15, 2015, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

She’s a Republican. Nothing frightens right wingers more than a transgender woman who might need use a restroom on the campaign trail except Obamacare. The GOP would never nominate her.