There is a whole universe of misinformation about sex work.
One of the most reprehensible things people insist on believing is the notion that there is some element of it that makes folks on the provider-side of the table inferior, less-than, or degraded.
It goes without saying that there are as many reasons people chose to be in this industry (which includes everyone from go-go boys to cam performers to street hustlers) as there are individuals making their livings via sex work.
How about we take this to the next level?
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What can be lazy or salacious to assume is that people only enter or stay in this industry because they are down on their luck, are drug addicts feeding a habit, or are so desperate for attention that they’ll show you their hole for a couple bucks on a premium SnapChat. But the truth (as truth so often works) is much less clear.
I came into the industry while I was in undergrad in New York City because my $11 an hour retail job wasn’t paying the bills for my private art school education.
I was already sexually adventurous and using my fast-talking charm to indulge in a nightlife scene that I hadn’t the wherewithal to appreciate fully. It seemed like a simple enough transition for me to find some way to monetize those qualities. I read a few books about how-to and what-to-expect and signed up with an agency that sent me out that same week to meet my first client.
In the decade since, I have been fortunate to receive a world-class education in how to treat people with respect, how to respect myself and my business, and how to approach emotionally-fraught situations with compassion and care.
While I could go on about what I’ve learned like that all day, below are the 5 most significant things about human nature my work as a professional companion has taught me:
1. We’re all looking for the same things
And at the root of those things the human desire for acceptance. It’s as true for the dude perusing escort ads as it is for the guy on the other side of those ads. Something that gets lost in the drama and gloss of commercial sexuality is the idea that it’s perfectly ok (and normal!) to want to be accepted, to desire to be seen and to want to be approved of. We don’t examine these ideas much in our culture, and men often don’t acknowledge them even to themselves in any real way.
Beyond that, it really is ok to seek that acceptance through unconventional channels. This can mean looking for a community that shares your interests and celebrates your quirks, or seeking out more personal attention from a provider whose reputation or presentation you find intriguing, the same way you might seek out a restaurant known to prepare your favorite type of food.
2. You can’t pay somebody to care
But you can pay somebody for their care. Emotional labor (the kind at the core of almost any kind of intimate work like nursing, therapy, or escorting) is largely undervalued in our culture and hugely misunderstood in American society in particular.
As transactional as one might envision a provider-client dynamic would be, the undercurrent of care necessary for that dynamic to proceed is real. One of the reasons I always insist that compensation is solely for my time is because what I do in that time – at it’s deepest most core level – is care for that person. It’s work. I work to treat them with respect and dignity and to create an environment where they feel safe to share intimate aspects of their lives (sexual or otherwise), that they might like to explore more deeply.
The idea that sex work is strictly transactional, even in something like a pornstar experience (PSE), overestimates human ability to functionally disconnect from one’s emotional self and perform a mechanical sexual activity solely in exchange for money. The truth is that the best companions (and pornstars) learn how to find a human connection and to share that connection in a meaningful way. It’s why porn, where the performers have chemistry, is more fun to watch than scenes where they are only banging parts together until the director tells them to stop.
3. Even if your business is unconventional, you’ve got to treat it like a business
That means, you need to make sure you’re getting paid, you need to cultivate relationships that can help your business flourish, and you need to take good care of yourself so you can keep succeeding in your work. Among the hardest lessons I learned was coming to terms with the idea that what I did was actually worth the dollar amount ascribed to it (self-esteem is always the enemy of good business practices, I don’t care what industry you’re in), and with allowing myself to take time off. Realizing that I could stand up for myself was a big win for my work, and learning when to sit down and take a breath allowed me to come back refocused and refreshed.
A good slice of life wisdom from RuPaul that can be applied to so much of adult entertainment with ease: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Meaning, if you don’t take care of you, you won’t have much space to take any care of anyone else. The people who succeed as porn performers or escorts or companions are the people who have learned to care for themselves; working out, eating well, resting, and saying “no,” when something just doesn’t work for them.
Related: After spending 23 years in the closet, this married man found happiness as a gay escort
4. People will surprise you more than they will disappoint you
On my Instagram, I describe myself as an “aspiring optimist” because I will be the first to tell you that it is not my default state. I’m naturally a worst-case-scenario kinda kid every day of the week. But one of the most positive things I’ve learned from the people I’ve had the privilege to know– one that has pushed me to question my pessimism about humans in general – is that there are people who aren’t out to hurt or take from you. A lot of them.
One of the best Marina and the Diamonds songs (lyrically, anyway) describes how I feel at 31 vs. how I felt at 21:
And now I see, I see it for the first time
There is no crime in being kind
Not everyone is out to screw you over
Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya
5. In life, you really do get what you give
That’s not a magical formula or some prescription for solving every problem or hardship one might face. But in my experience, the more I invest in my relationships, the more time I put into my work or my body, and the more care I allow myself to offer others, the more I get in return. Not just financially speaking; I get acceptance from my friends, family and peer group because I’m invested in and care deeply about what I do. I get care in return from clients with whom I forge lasting relationships. I get opportunities to rest and step away from work. And I get surprised, constantly, by people who listen to what I have to say and find ways to incorporate it into what they know.
It’s significant to recognize that sex work isn’t, by definition, a curse. In fact, it is a blessing. I am better now than I was when I started, in almost every way.
Tyler Dårlig Ulv is an Ontario-based blogger and professional companion. He was previously the social media director for Rentboy and the editor of Manhunt Daily. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram, or find out more about his work at his website. Tyler lives full time in Toronto.
thisisnotreal
A very insightful and interesting read, good job queerty.
Goforit
It must be the dead of night in Russia. Iamru2 hasn’t jumped in here yet with his holier-than-thou, church lady routine.
cynicalsteve
@Goforit – My thoughts exactly…! But unfortunately IT will chime in eventually. IT’s just a tired-a$$ self-hating queen.
Vince
Lets face it. We get older but it doesn’t mean we stop being sexual. Couple that with the fact that gay men are statistically way more likely to end up single in their mature years. Unfortunately gay society thinks you should just disappear.
I think hiring can help. Sometimes it’s not even about sex. Just the need to be touched and feel connected.
Glenn
So true. Living alone as an old gay man and somehow being obsessed with hot young bodies (thanks, porn!) only available to me when being paid, I can identify with a lot of this message. Thanks to Tyler for putting it out there in a calm, comprehensive way. I resent being judged by so many in the gay world for seeking to remain sexual at 77. Some would have us just shrivel up and die.
sfcarlos65
Years ago, I stopped apologizing for my sexual desire. It’s great to see people of a certain age, talk about desire.
Billy Budd
This is really nice. We must remove the stigma from escorting. To me, it is just like therapy of any kind.
Billy Budd
You are nasty. Apart from being condemned in the bible (a tribal book written dozens of centuries ago and totally outdated), why do you think having sex for money is wrong? I don’t see much difference between being a “whore” as you say, and a masseur.
Vince
@paxthe0. Pretty much anything that comes out of your vile mouth is shit. That’s what all trolls do though..
Prax07
Yeah sorry, not everyone that believes hookers are the lowest tier in society is a troll. Not trolling when I say they’re pretty much not much higher than trash. And those that use them are essentially the same. Nothing to do with religion, just morals. A whore is a whore wether you’re getting a free dinner before sex or paid cash money. Dirt is dirt is dirt.
Vince
Why do you have such anger and hate for people who don’t bother you in the slightest? Your over-the-top reaction is just bizarre.
GentlemanCaller
Insightful and intelligent, and frankly that’s hot so it’s no surprise he’s successful at his career. As for people who think sex workers are low and despicable and trash, well, then don’t do business with them, but please keep your unpleasant and smugly superior judgmentalism to yourself; it doesn’t matter, and no one wants to hear it.
QNetter
You are at least as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Another example of why the sex worker peeps I know are some of the best.
Geeker
Being beautiful and desirable is to have power and privilege so it’s easy to see the bright side of people when you have that going for you.
Prax07
If you’re and old man that wants sex, umm maybe date your own age range? It’s disgusting that a 77yo pays dudes, I’m guessing, in their twenties for sex. Oh boohoo, your 77 and young non-hookers don’t want you? No surprise there, so hook up with guys your own age.
Trying to normalize prostitution, no wonder people look at gays as deviants.
NeilIN72
Because no straight men who are 77 pay women in their 20s for sex…*rolls eyes*
thisismylife247
As a former sex worker, who found working a minimum wage retail job in college was not going to be enough to support him, I will say that I agree with most of the points Tyler brings forward with the except to some of his insights on #3 –
Both my roommates were escorts as well; one was a stripper/go-go boy and escort; he made sooo much money (but taking off my clothes in front of a crowd is totally not my thing), my third roommate, and myself, escorted only.
I fully understand the concept of accepting your worth, respecting your identity and self esteem and sticking to a dollar figure – non negotiable.
However, that business model does not work. Think about it: when you see something in retail you like if the price is too high you, as most consumers, will wait for a sale.
My example: My third roommate and I were very similar – both vers sexually, had similar builds, similar height, exact same age. The only difference was he was Caucasian brunette and I’m Caucasian blond. He charged 250.00 per hour and was adamant that his rate was non-negotiable and did not offer 1/2 hour rates.. He on average saw 1-2 clients per week. I, also charged 250.00 offered 1/2 rates and was open to negotiations on price (within reason of course). I saw 7-10 clients per week and had several repeat clients. In my last years of college I did not make under 1400.00 a week. It’s a buyers market, excellent customer service and the ability to establish rapport are important but also your ability to establish a price market – or not price yourself out of it.