As the author of Queerty’s “Daddy Issues” column, about once a week I get an email from a stranger, usually an older gay man. He’s writing to tell me he’s feeling invisible, and either wanting advice or shaming me for not lifting his spirits with my words. Sometimes I’m even scolded for saying that at 53 I love my life, still sexual, still hitting the gym, the idea being that I too need to realize that it’s time to slip into the wallpaper.
If there’s one near-consensus among the 40-plus generation it’s that we weren’t prepared or prepped for this time in our history. While that can feel like existential drama, the important thing to remember is that we’re still here, we’re still queer, and we need to figure out how to get used to it.
I can’t pretend to understand each predicament, but I can at least respond to notes I’ve received, and offer suggestions on how to make it after all–although anyone who doesn’t get that reference can just stop reading now.
1. I’m not gonna be ignored, damn it!
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
It’s easy to get bummed at the gym when a beautiful, young guy ignores your smile or brushes off your hello, cocky and dismissive like you’re an appetizer he just threw back. It’s probably harder if you used to be greeted with endless smiles, and phone numbers. But here’s the deal: The dude probably also does that to guys his own age who aren’t up to his “standards” (ask a few young men about invisibility), and he’s got major insecurity issues. And, putting aside vanity for a moment, is it really important that a stranger, a rude one at that, acknowledges you? Move on and pump responsibly.
2. You gotta get up every morning…
I’m almost thrilled today that I wasn’t considered drop-dead beautiful when I was in my 20s and 30s because I know so many men who hit the half-century mark and decide that, without those “perfect” looks anymore, their lives are meaningless. All the Botox and fat freezes and collagen implants in the world aren’t going to change things if you can’t find satisfaction on the inside, and that’s where the actual work needs to be done.
Take a cue from those who learned early on that, in order to make true friends, you needed to be funny, smart, confident, informed, or, wait for it… just plain kind. You already have those qualities stored up. If you haven’t already, start using them. (And by the way, maturity is sexy.) The late Carrie Fisher once said that youth and beauty are not accomplishments, and those are words to live by. The pressure we put on ourselves to be physically perfect is absurd at any age, so take some time off from the mirror and reflect on the beauty of what you can do with today.
Related: 7 things to never say when you first meet Daddy
3. But I wanted to be a Sadie…
You’re over 40, 50, 60, and you’re not a married “lady”–it’s one of the most common emails I get, detailing the loneliness that comes from being single in a now gay-partnered world.
After writing two gay wedding books I’ve come to resent how much the hetero-normal institution of marriage has been thrown at us like flypaper. (It’s much harder on queer millennials, who are now pretty much expected to tie the knot and start a family.) I stand by my books and would love to get married, but I’m not planning my life around an institution that will only work if I’m madly in love and he loves me back. And we both want to get married.
I’ve seen kids, barely in their 20s, with no money and no real plan, get married because it’s the new gay thing to do, like wearing slippers or sporting a porn stache. I’ve also witnessed men of all ages get married because they’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, or found them ages ago, and they’re prepared to do the work.
No matter how much you want to be married or partnered, if you can’t enjoy being single until, or unless, it happens, you need to do some serious personal work. If that means seeing a therapist to learn how to enjoy your own company, by all means, make an appointment. We all die alone, so take advantage of the quality time to commit to projects and hobbies in which solitude is a requirement.
A straight, single, female friend of mine forces herself to go to dinner–alone–once a week. She’s always nervous, but she’s determined to learn how to be alone in a coupled world. Some people read, some people garden, some people paint. If you’re only happy if you can identify as a “we,” you’re also more prone to couple up with a partner just for the sake of coupling up–and that’s just about the loneliest feeling in the world.
4. But you gotta have friends…
There’s a lot of solitude out there, especially as we get older, and I’ve received heartfelt emails from gay men who’ve lost their loved ones, who live in an area where Grindr is the closest thing they have to gay connection, or who truly believe they’re incapable of making new friends. Once you’re in a solitude rut, it can be difficult to break out of it. I live in New York City and I’ve gone through horrible ups and downs figuring out how to establish a social life.
It can be done, however, but you can’t expect the party to come to you. I have friends who’ve joined political groups and formed social clubs, who’ve started a side business, who’ve finally stopped drinking and learned it made them more accessible to adventure, who’ve finally written that book that, at 20, sounded like nothing more than cocktail chatter but now is printed reality, who’ve returned to the theater world they once abandoned as childish. And I have friends who’ve made it a priority to reestablish lost connections, lost friends, to keep alive those shared life experiences.
And speaking of parties, start entertaining again. In my parents’ day, it was de rigueur to socialize outside of a smartphone, and the trend is making a comeback. You don’t need a lot of money or a lot of preparation to have a few friends over for dinner or a cocktail party, and you’ll be surprised how many people are flattered to receive an invite. If you know how to cook or want to learn, you have an additional plus-factor in going this route.
5. Do not stand in the shadows.
The long and the short of it is that, if you don’t like feeling invisible, change the scenery. And know that the only people who are perpetually happy are actually Instagram photos. Get off social media if its false-fun feel is depressing you, stop watching bad television because you’re bored, and plot your course. Utilizing your particular talents, and we all have them, is a good place to start.
Make a simple goal and do something an hour a day or one day a week that you’ve never tried before, whether it’s joining a gym or taking a fitness class (for those of you who never indulged), volunteering at the local gay and lesbian center or anywhere that you believe you’d be most useful, or finally pursuing that bucket-list item that can no longer be left till tomorrow.
More important, take a stand. When I stopped seeing myself thoroughly represented in the publishing industry, I started writing articles about older gay men and pushing them onto editors. You’re reading one now. I believe that most dismissal (of whatever kind) can be eliminated or at least improved by our own determination to change the system, on personal and professional levels. If you don’t tell people you’re out there, there’s no incentive for anyone to notice.
For me, like so many other men in their 50s, I’m at a unique crossroads. I’m not bound by newfound expectations to get married and have children—as well as a youthful society that seems increasingly intent on shaming others—but I also watch mortality’s shades close down on my features every time I look in the mirror. My body feels them shut as well. And that accomplishment clock is ticking ever louder, like a cuckoo bird on Ritalin.
Am I lonely, scared, fearful of the future? Sometimes, sometimes every f**king day. Am I invisible? Only if you’re not smart enough to look.
jkb
Good read.
GourmetGuy
Bravo, David! I plan to read your essay once a week for reinforcement. Truer words have seldom been written.
Josh447
About “Sadie”. Younger gay people feel pressure to get married or that it’s the new gay thing to do? Really? Can some young guys out guys in the know comment on that? We’ve always lived in a “partnered world” and to say marriage was thrown at us “like fly paper” when we worked our NeverEnding asses off just to be able to have that option seems a bit of a stretch. It sounds from this author’s point of view that we’ve somehow now shoved it down our own throats as an expectation. Is that really the case out there? Clueless here would enjoy some input.
Josh447
Edit: Can some young guys or guys in the know comment on that?
ChrisK
My only complaint is that he seems to be obsessed with 20-somethings not viewing him as sexy. Says way more about him then his objects of lust.
ChrisK
Outside of that I think he’s got a lot of really great things to say.
For too long the older guys have been completely ignored by LGBT media like they don’t even exist. I mean damn. Throw in some stories for some variation at the very least.
MizzSydney
I’m a bisexual female in a new city and have as well dealt with minor bouts of anxiety, such as when men approach me. I read this and really related thought you were speaking directly to me, so great writing David! Keep it up. I’ll enjoy each article you present here. ??
ChrisK
Of course when the millennials start to get older things will change. They’ll want something to reflect their lives and won’t put up with the same bullshit like Gen X and the Baby Boomers put up with.
MizzSydney
I found far too many typos in the comment I just left. Also the 2 question marks were smileys, btw.
Kieran
I’m 55 so I’d probably see you as a younger brother rather than a senior citizen. Plus, we’d be able to reminisce about growing up in the seventies, something a millenial twink could only imagine.
Kangol
I found this a well-written, well-reasoned article that could be very useful to LGBTQ people as we get older, particularly once we reach middle age. Life, fun and happiness need not end when you turn 40 or 50 or 60, etc., despite all the challenges we face. One thing to underscore about gay male life and culture in the US, though, is how relentlessly focused it is on youth. This site is very much a part of that too. There are days when nearly the entire main page of Queerty is covered with faces of men under 30. So I hope we hear more from Mr. Toussaint and Queerty posts more articles on older gay people. I’ve also noticed that if Queerty has an article with an older gay man’s heading it on the main page, unless it’s a superstar actor like Sir Ian McClellan, the comments are few. Maybe gay people reading the site who are interested in the topics can respond more as well.
ChrisK
Yes and it’s usually the same under 30 guys over and over. I think they just follow them on Instagram and Twitter.
CastleSF
Talking about coverage of the news on this site, I wish they had less – a lot less – coverage of drag queens. These queens are most nothing but drama, not high drama like opera, but cheap and tiresome drama like daytime soap opera.
scotshot
@ CastleSF
I lived for too many years in a small “city” that every Saturday night they’d shut the music off and have the same 6 performing until closing at 2AM.
I stopped going to that bar and don’t read the fluff about drag queens. Easy.
Cylest Brooks
I can second the sentiment here. The writers and the folks in charge are paying attention to the comments here that provide (kind, thoughtful) suggestions about what readers would like to see. If you want more of a certain kind of content, a comment like Kangol’s is a good way to get noticed and have your voice heard.
Heywood Jablowme
“After writing two gay wedding books I’ve come to resent how much the hetero-normal institution of marriage has been thrown at us like flypaper.” Wait… what? Somebody put a gun to your head and forced you to write TWO gay wedding books? Not one but two? Yikes. No wonder you’re resentful.
(I do hope you threw in a chapter about how to find a homophobic bakery out in Trump Land that you know will turn down your demonic gay money… so you can sue them, lol.)
There is a lot of useful info here, though. But personally I enjoy using my invisible superpowers!
CastleSF
Invisible superpowers? How mysteriously intriguing.
lambchopp59
Turning 59 in September, long widowed and abandoned on earth by literally all the gay friends I had in youth to the scourge of AIDS before more effective treatments became available. Partially disabled as well, brothers, do I ever know the double whammy pariah effect.
I get out when I can, when my work doesn’t exhaust all my energy. It helps to socialize a bit at a gay scene, yet I’m not the social butterfly my long gone ex was. I stay absorbed in my work, my hobbies, and find much solice in the company of my dog. My one and only true soulmate left the planet long ago, and I know there can never be another.
I gave up the attempt to re-establish a social circle several years back after
getting injured in a hate crime. I’ll finish my working years, sell all I have and move to Sao Paulo, where I’ve found much of the gay population to be far less pretentious than practically anywhere, USA.
And if the only friend I still make there is an adoptive pet, so be it. I’m pretty much convinced humans, not just gay ones, are nearly incapable of unconditional love.
Heywood Jablowme
Wow. I’m older than you and I was injured in an anti-gay hate crime, and it would definitely never occur to me to move to… Brazil??? You’ve got to be kidding.
RomanHans
Lamb, I hate to read your negativity. You will forever love and miss your soul mate and friends but there are more out there. When my husband died my life was over. Horrible, of course — but it also meant a new life could begin. I moved to Berlin, married a great man with wonderful friends, and now I’m happier than ever.
Don’t be afraid to write another chapter in your life. And absolutely sell everything and move — it worked brilliantly for me. Think about Berlin: there’s a huge older-gay community here that’s smart, fun and sexy and doesn’t give a damn about all these twinks.
masterwill7
I’m very sorry to read this, but there are lots of people capable of unconditional love in my life, you have to give to get.. Then there is the “never will there be another soul mate”, this a self fulfilling prophecy… This means you yourself compare everyone to your lost love… You CAN meet another great guy, you truly can. And no, it’s not easy, and you have to go and find it yourself… That’s what the writer of this article means, don’t wait, go and find happyness yourself! Of course you are totally true when you say that dog’s are the most loyal beings on this earth! 😉
Brian
It sounds like you’ve made the conscious choice to live your life as a victim and, if this post is any indication, wallow in it constantly and thoroughly. You can’t make new friends because you got injured? That doesn’t even make sense. What a shame that you’ve closed yourself off to the possibility of all sorts of wonderful things happening over your remaining years, which could be several decades. Sorry you don’t think you deserve better than that.
Dubr1988
Txs for tallyng us that wodnerfull storry of you live and love..up’s and d.
Well just let me say
There is a photograph of Bette Davis sitting on a sofa with the little embroidered pillow that says “Old Age is not for Sissies.” I’m 67 and the dear friends have thinned out, by Aids, my marriages, by move aways, by alcoholics who sit in the same bar everyday. Each year I feel myself getting more and more invisible. When my partner and I of 20 years broke up – or I should say he dumped me – a voice said “Madonna reinvents herself and starts again.” I did that with great success!! Howver, now I am out of re-invent-myself-steam – oh! the spirit is willing, the bones are not. The doctor gave me viagra. The get dressed effort to get to the bar – the stand around time — I’m scared to do Grindr cause I don’t want the person to say “are you kidding” – You told me your name is George but you didn’t say George Washington. OK – in my defense I am a hairless white Hispanic and a few people go ape for my skin. I always say I have skin of a 35 year old and bones of an 80 year old. And as a person who has a very good share of sex I always say – it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion. OK I’m old and forgot the point!! Oh yes – lonliness. Yes sometimes I feel really lonely. Remember Bette midlers song “say hello in there.” good time to listen. thanks for letting me ramble!
StudMuffin
I’m 77 years old and lost my true love of 33 years about five years ago, and as much as I tried to get back into the gay singles scene, it was futile because of my age. We lost so many good friends to AIDS when it was a death sentence back in the 80s. We went to 14 or 15 funerals within six months. Now I am alone and handicapped, so there is no hope of finding any new gay friends because being gay has a problem with it: It’s only good and wonderful if you are young. Now I just look at those beautiful, young, happy men and recall all the happy and wonderful times I used to have, but they are gone and I have no way to communicate with other gays. You younger guys are in for a surprise when you get up to this age because there is nothing here for you but loneliness. Have fun while you can but just remember that it won’t last long. I wish I would have died when my true love did because without him there is nothing left at my age.
Heywood Jablowme
“get back into the gay singles scene” (ugh, what an unpleasant way to phrase it) — not really practical.
Finding new friends in their 70s who are in your exact same situation — practical.
“Now I am alone and handicapped, so there is no hope of finding any new gay friends….”: The “so” in your sentence doesn’t really work as a “therefore.” I’m younger than you (but not that much younger) and I’m alone (in the sense of not-coupled) and I’m hand… um, I have a disability. There’s a reason we stopped using the H-word and you’re displaying WHY quite well; it damages one’s sense of self.
There are lots of older gay guys with disabilities. Do you think they don’t exist? Or do you realize they do exist, but you assume they all avoid interaction like you do? Not all of them/us do.
masterwill7
This is so depressing!! I’m 34 years old and have lot’s of great friends! But I know youthfulness fades, and so does beauty, but I will never be alone and miserable!!! If my Mario dies, a part of me dies with him, but I will not sit and fade away in loneliness! Never ever! I truly feel sorry for you, but you have to make something of it yourself, no one will do it for you, you should have learned that at the age of 77…. Try a “game night” at your home for elder people.. Send in an article in the local newspaper for anyone who’s interested.. Or attend a bingo or just go out somewhere, dress up and go and have a few coffee’s somewhere crowded. Go do things you would never do, and find out there is a lot to live for still!
Dubr1988
You are killing me softlly..here..so said,triste,traurig i tužno..? love erik
Well just let me say
I am 68 and have a house which I am going to sell soon and with the money I am going to build five apartments for gay people over 60. I figure that is the only way I will have some fun – remember when – neighbors!!
MaxTaste
I was invisible when I was young. If you’re not attractive you have to wait for the right person to come along who will appreciate your personality, but it’s a long, lonely wait.
Stefano
@MaxState : exactly like me. I’ve been in a relationship for 24 years (i met my husban at 24 yo) and he left me for a younger guy (35 yo) two years ago. I was invisible and unattractive too…and i don’t have many friends. It is sad but i have to deal with it and move on. I’m very lucky because i met someone last year and i’m very happy with him.
Well just let me say
@Stefano –
Not fair – it was a happy ending and you made us feel so sorry for you till the punchline. But I am happy for the happy ending.!
OzJosh
What about not writing articles with sub-headings that reference Funny Girl and early Bette Midler hits? Surely that’s very ageing.
Franklin
I think it does make it difficult to creat a social group in the gay community when you are not young or attractive. Say what you will, but from what I’ve seen many gay guys tend to base their friendships on physical qualities first.
Dubr1988
Agreed.
Pete Pakapat
Very well written and helpful. Thank you.
CityguyUSA
Maybe it appears that way to people living in NYC or the Bay but I can tell you most of the people I come across are lost and never had any relationship of any sort and are either depressed or hreading for depression. To add to it daters, or what really rurn out to be people with online profiles, aren’t connecting at any age.
Serms that everyone has huge expectations for anyone they would consider datable and it often starts with looks obseesed men who not only want the perfect looking underwear model but they’d better have the right attributes when the clothes come off or they’ll be going home post ejaculating if it gets that far.
Magazines & TV shows have set up the gay population to have high expectations. Expectations that the judges don’t even pass on their own daily inspections.
I was in my prome right as Marky Mark was posing in his undies, 30 Something was promising the first gay kiss and Wham was setting the trend on how to maintain facial hair to look like you just came out of the timbers and Google came up with the best advertised search engine and dating sites used age so users wouldn’t even have to look at someone over 30 and I oted that I was headed for my 40’s just as dating sites became pervassive.
I used to get dates by being seen in public at gay bars or functions and now the gay bars have all disappeared for whatever reason, maybe a tradeoff for legalized gay marriage, and I’ve been cutoff by a search algorithm from the rest of gay socierty as “over the hill”.
Heywood Jablowme
I suggest checking out Meetup.com in your area and maybe they have a gay activity group or two. A more challenging idea would be to create a Meetup group of your own — lol, I know it’s intimidating because I still haven’t done it myself yet. I identify with a lot of what you say and live in a medium-sized dullsville, though fortunately for us a big city is “only” a couple of hours away (fortunately by train, since I hate driving & I like to have a few drinks!). The disappearance of gay bars in smaller cities is depressing. Probably due to Grindr more than anything else, since the young guys no longer need to hang around in bars anymore, and gay bingo doesn’t have the draw it used to have!
You don’t sound too old for Scruff, though, which is more for YOUR age group. And not everyone on Scruff is out for a quick lay and nothing else. They often mention their non-sexual interests.
Serious dating sites: I’m guessing from your geographical situation they might involve a lot of driving to reach the one semi-compatible guy (according to the all-knowing algorithm) within a 300-mile radius! Worth a look, though.
PinkoOfTheGange
Thanks for the MeetUp referral. didn’t even know it existed,
CastleSF
People have to accept that every choice they make about their life has consequences, sometimes dire ones. Not saving for retirement when you are young and working, let your body go flabby, allow your anger and resentment to turn yourself into a bitter uncaring person, let your depression go untreated. Why are people surprised that they are where they are because of the accumulation of their past choices?
bodie425
I think you and I grew up in the same era, Cityguy. I loved my 20s & 30s in the gay culture–as I look back on it–HOWEVER, while in the midst of it, there was uncertainty, vanity, fear of AIDS, and addiction. Change, such as the closing of our safeplaces–gay bars and businesses, is inevitable. We can move with the changes of get stuck in the past. The problem is that as we age, we just don’t want to move so much. We become set in our ways and rutted to a way of life that doesn’t take kindly to new trends and ways of thinking. Staying limber is not just a physical issue as the years pile on, its also a mental and a social issue.
I was fortunate enough to have a young, gay, US Army vet who needed a place to stay and I had a room to spare. His social vigor and sexual prowess lit a fire under my ass and got me going to the gym and working out (as opposed to going there and picking stuff up and putting it down.) I joined a few dating apps and pulled a few tricks. After about a year tho, I met the man of my dreams: carmel brown, 6’7″, looks like Common, gorgeous hunk of man meat. We just hit the four year mark and I can’t imagine a day without him. He calls me Fuzzy. 😉
hansniemeijer
My advice would be to love yourself (and others) and work on your self esteem, whatever age
olmeca
Being old or gay or single is not easy. Being all of them is definitely hard. I’m in my late 40s and have come off an almost 20 year relationship. For the last few years, I’ve been really trying hard to re-establish a social circle. I have a good job, I’m physically fit and active, I’m in fitness classes, social clubs, professional organizations, speed dating, outdoor groups, and more. And yet I have had no luck. It’s almost like people have no interest in even talking to me. They either already have their group of friends or are just not interested. I’ll keep putting myself out there, but the thought has crossed my mind once or twice (or a lot) that this is it. It can get frustrating and I totally understand guys who give up.
FRE0
Why doesn’t the article even mention keeping physically fit?
One reason many older men seem “invisible” is that they’ve let themselves go to pot. I’m not saying that they have to have a spectacular physique, but bodies which are flabby all over and 100 pounds too heavy are not attractive. Waiting until one is olde to do something about one’s physical fitness will not work well. Instead, one should strive to be reasonably fit through life and to avoid becoming overweight.
Kieran
That’s an excellent point. And you shouldn’t just keep in shape to attract somebody else. You should do it so that you like what you see when you look in the mirror.
Dubr1988
Super nonsensses sorry..
sfhairy
Preach! Great article. Alas, I’m so tired of men my age (late 40s almost 50) wanting nothing but 20 and 21 year olds. You have nothing in common with them outside of you each having a D, it won’t last.
queerbec
I liked this article very much. I was wondering if we could get the AARP to do more for LGBT people over 50. I am in my 60’s now and find the issues worsening every year, not only as my health changes but as my income suffers as investments change. But I still feel very much alive and kicking, but because I do not have a partner, I feel very alone and isolated, as my friends are not near by. I live in the far off suburbs of Connecticut and had an apartment in NYC, but my fiscal situation is causing me to give it up, so I feel I will be isolated in CT, though there are buses and trains that go down. I get a great deal of power and positive energy in NYC, even though I only know a handful of people closely, but I seldom feel alone there, like I do in Connecticut. I am trying to change that–and may even think about offering some support to members of the LGBT community who lose their spouses and all of a sudden find themselves alone. I am looking for groups in CT that I could attach myself to in order to do this, or I could just do it informally, and just as a potential friend. I guarantee that I am not looking for sex–I just want to fill up my life with busy, chatty friends.
laidbackdude69
I created a profile just so I could respond to this post. It’s a very well-written article that definitely hits on a lot of the issues I feel as a single 48 year old. With the electronic community of Grindr, Scruff, etc, I don’t get responses from the people I’m interested in because they see my age. These same people see me in a bar and have no problems talking to me because I don’t look my age at all. For me, and this is only my opinion, I believe people in general learn a lot by seeing how generations before them handled their aging. The problem with that is something others have mentioned in other posts; AIDS did a number on the gay community where my generation didn’t get to see a lot of older gay men during the end of the 20th century. Now that we are approaching those ages, we don’t have a lot to go on as to how to progress. A lot of what we knew for social engagements (bars, businesses, etc) has moved to the “online” world. There’s an old phrase I remember from somewhere; “adapt or die”. Unfortunately that couldn’t be more true in this day and age. A lot of typing later and all I really wanted to say was this; I’m not giving up. I will continue to enjoy my alone time and will continue to look for that elusive soulmate. And if I don’t find him (or them), at least I’m still enjoying life.
Cylest Brooks
This was really nice to read. Thanks for being here.
jstueart
Nice article! And a good reason to find you on Queerty. I too just created an account so I could comment. Thank you, David. We’re just not talking about this enough. We need more examples of gay men over 50 living life fully–in columns, daily talking about life. We should also be establishing non-conformist relationships–like living together in big houses, so that company is there, maybe sex is there, and lifetime with people is there. I’m excited about 50 coming on… but I hear that ticking accomplishment clock too. I’ll follow you on Daddy Issues, David. Thanks!
WindsorOntario
I came out at 14. I’m now 43. At times, I feel like coming out ruined my life for good. I didn’t know it then, but all I was told about there will be so many men to meet, such a great gay community to get involved in, so many opportunities…never happened. What I found was a group of gay men who wanted little to do with one another, were always expecting and waiting for someone younger, impossible to attain, very highly educated, successful, etc; those gay people who went through hell and barely graduated high school…didn’t go on to college…worked entry level jobs were deemed worthless. Unless you had a lot of connections, you were silently shown your way out of the gay areas of big cities…there’s no way those guy would ever be able to afford to live among other gay men. We want the best, the youngest, and right now.
We have no milestones in life that a lot of straight people don’t even think about. Unless you have affluence and access to resources, we can not have children. It’s becoming more clear to me that this whole legalization of marriage, this campaign of we’re all in this together/inclusion/tolerance was a bunch of crap – I see no difference now versus before marriage was legalized. We mostly have no ability to go on a second date with someone or even care to find out each others’ name. How do you feel good about gay marriage being legal when you aren’t even seeing prospective dates out there? Where are we supposed to find them besides online? So many of our meeting places are gone.
It saddens me to have seen firsthand what the drug crisis has done to our community, particularly opiates; so many have told me that in absence of any kind of bond or feeling of love from other gay men, they’ve moved on to a substance to create a feeling of happiness and comfort for them. And logically you look at this 2-3% of the population called gay men we are stuck with and who can blame them? Taking heroin or pain pills at least you know what you’re getting and you get to control when that high happens. Gay men are experts at desertion and cowardice. We have a certain arrogance and narcissism that we believe we’re better than other gay men; someone else will come along, we deserve someone younger and perfect.
These young gay men are probably going to experience a crisis of suicide similar to the last few generations experienced the ravages of AIDS…with how isolated so many are now, with how many of us have been burned badly by other gay men, with how rejected we feel and angry that there’s nowhere to go with that rejection because gay men as a whole make up such a small percentage of society…a lot of us are going to one day realize this is how it’s going to be (alone, childless, no dating prospects; alone until we die) and decide we don’t want to live anymore. And I’m afraid that’s going to be a huge wave of gay men who come to this decision.
CastleSF
I don’t mean to be disrespectful but I really think that you are borderline clinically depressed. You can’t brighten your outlook on life as of now because your brain chemistry is kind of messed up and your dopamine level is probably way low. Please seek help and start taking anti-depressants such as Celexa. Once you start feeling better, you’ll realize that even if the physical environment around you won’t change much, the way you look at things will change for the better.
CJ59
Don’t forget economics. There’s a special kind of isolation that comes when you’re a man of a certain age who’s screwed up and isn’t doing as well financially as his 50-something or 40-something or 30-something or 20-something friends. Personally, though I’m single, I do have a lot of friends of all ages, and I still feel incredibly lonely as I watch each of them leave me behind and have to come to terms all of the things that aren’t available to me anymore. Sorry, I don’t usually throw cold water on a party like this. But I don’t think I’m alone in this, so I thought I’d share a different perspective.
Dubr1988
Nice..
john.k
In my opinion number 4 is the key. Make friends. A good way of doing that is to join things. Although I’m 69 I’m a paid up member of a gay soccer club. I don’t play of course (although another guy who is a year older than me does still play 6 a side games!). But I support the players, attend their games and from time to time socialise with them. I was at a get together with them on Saturday. Most of them are in their 20s and 30s but they all make me welcome. There are other supporters of the club who are older than the players and we are all friends.
Kevan1
John K. That sounds great. You have a great idea. We are all getting older and it is hard to think out of the box. I love your idea. I am glad you have found something fun and worthwhile.
Kevan1
So tired of Castle SF and his negativity.