Hi Jake.
I’ve been hooking up with this guy from my gym for the past few months. It started as a steam room thing and eventually I started inviting him back to my place since I only live a few blocks away. The last time he was over he casually dropped a bomb. Apparently he’s in a relationship with a woman and they have a kid together! He’s never said anything about this before (doesn’t wear a wedding ring), and obviously I never thought to ask (but maybe I should have?). I have no idea if she knows he messes around with guys but I’m guessing not. Honestly, the whole thing feels messy. But at the same time, I actually don’t want to stop hooking up with him. Is that totally immoral? Should I just figure out an exit strategy now?
Shocked in the Steam Room
Dear Shocked in the Steam Room,
Learning more about a casual hookup can sometimes be alarming, after all, at the end of the day Mr. Steam Room is actually a fully formed human with a potentially complicated set of circumstances. It can be jarring when the truth comes out about (and might even ruin the fantasy), however, it’s ultimately going to be up to you to decide what feels right for you moving forward.
The interesting thing about your situation is that Mr. Steam Room actually came forth with the information that he’s with a woman and he has a kid. For whatever reason, he feels comfortable telling you, and I think that actually says a lot about a person. Clearly, no matter what the arrangement he has with his partner, and whether or not he is out to her (as “bisexual” perhaps?), he feels open enough to share it with you and not keep things hidden.
Perhaps that transparency means it’s not that big of a deal for him, or that he doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong or shameful. A lot of bisexual guys may have committed to a woman as a partner, but need to get the full breadth of their sexual needs met elsewhere, and they figure out an arrangement to make that happen.
As for having a kid, I don’t think that necessarily means his sex life should be over, but it does probably indicate he’s pretty invested in his relationship with this woman, and hooking up with you is just about physical satisfaction.
It’s definitely messy if someone is cheating, and you’re caught in the middle, but in this case, you’ll probably want to find out more before deciding what to do next. Has he told his girlfriend/wife/partner, and she’s okay with it? Maybe he’s not cheating. Or, is it something that he’s totally fine doing without approval? If so, it’s up to him, not you, to figure out all the complicated stuff.
As long as you’re clear this relationship isn’t going to be romantic, and you don’t have those kinds of feelings for him, I don’t see a need to necessarily run (unless for some reason you thought this thing between you guys was monogamous, but considering how is started, I’m guessing not).
If it bothers you that he’s with someone else in general, then maybe that’s something you’d want to end your dalliance over. But if things are working as is, and he was just trying to connect with you by letting you a little deeper into his life, then why rock the boat?
On the chance that he is cheating on his partner, I still don’t think the responsibility falls on you to decide if you’re leaving or staying. A lot of readers are surprised when I tell them this, because they assume the “other man” has a part in hurting someone who is being betrayed. However, you’re not the one who made a commitment to someone. He is. The onus is on him to maintain integrity in whatever agreements he’s made.
You never really know who that guy is that flashes himself at you in the sauna, and what his life looks like beyond the treadmill. Sometimes the fantasy can fizzle when you find out the truth, and other times, it actually gets better. In fact, in it seems like you’re now the object of male-on-male lust from a bisexual guy who only has you to fulfill his full sexual potential. You may be considering an exit strategy, but I have a feeling there might be a line out the gym door to take your place.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
dbmcvey
It’s not something I would pursue but I’m an old married person. I don’t know if steam room and his wife have an agreement, but this is something from which I would stay far away.
Leo
I have had many hookups with married men in my younger years and before marrying “the man
who makes me happy” and agree with ask Jake on the issue. It is his choice if he is cheating, you are not. Enjoy the trysts, just do not get too emotionally involved.
RIGay
Agree, 1000%. Don’t put any emotional value on the romp.
I had one of those once. The guy would NOT leave me alone, and was engaged to a very sweet woman. We hooked up a lot up to the wedding (I was even a groom!). Then he showed up a week after they returned from his honeymoon and wanted to fu*k around some more. I told him NO and right after that, had an opportunity to move out of the area.
dbmcvey
That’s a great way to get involved in a lot of drama.
abfab
What’s life with out a little drama?
dbmcvey
Enjoyable, abfab.
JRamonMc
I’m neither advocating for or against this situation as I’ve had my fair share of them. Just keep this in mind if things get messy and the wife wants to get even with you and the husband, she can sue you in a court of law for alienation of affection. Then you’re screwed!
Shady Gaga
Not an accurate statement. There is no grounds for a lawuit here.
JClark
Most states have abolished the tort known as “alienation of affection,” but it is still actionable in half a dozen states. It is a difficult case to make, so even if you live in one of those states, the possibility of liability is very low.
Golf Guy
Terrible advice. And what a cop out. You’re definitely culpable once you know the truth about the cheating. After all, it takes two to tango.
abfab
Or 4.
keyth57
I agree. This Jake guy offered a bunch of psycho babble. I feel sorry for the woman not knowing. Had thiere been an agreement between the 3 parties-then thats thier business. I cant believe theres so many people on here thinking it’s ok. Both these guys can move on-especially the gay guy. Theres plenty out there for him. I think he is interested in this married guy in more ways than one. lol-good luck -he’ll just find another guy after he tires of the gay guy. It ALWAYS happens.
wade.l
The bi guy made the ultimate commitment and is now cheating and the loser gay guy is in a quandary. Two pieces of crap.
keyth57
Agreed. The author himself offered TERRIBLE advice. It’s on BOTH of them to end it-who cares who does it first ?
FreddieW
I think you both owe it to the female to tell her that her boyfriend or husband has hook-ups with guys at the gym, and she should get tested for any and all STDs.
And I can’t believe this crap of telling people that they can choose to remain in sexual relationships where the other person is cheating on a third because there’s no responsibility for a third party. You know, gays should be good and moral people, too.
Man About Town
There’s also the possibility that the married guy is so clueless it doen’t even occur to him that trusting this guy with the info about his wife & kid will remain secretive & she (along with family, friends, & co-workers) won’t find out.
And even if his wife finds out and she gets upset, he might clumsily try to salve her with the age-old chestnut “It’s apples and oranges.” News flash buttwipe: Fruit is Fruit.
BStewart27
I’m married to someone who can’t have sex and I’m definitely going to stay with him no matter what. I like the idea of finding another committed man for sex now and then. I’d definitely NOT like to get caught up in any drama and would rather do without sex than get into something messy. BTDT.
abfab
Do it and enjoy it, Stewart, and thanks for sharing. There is nothing wrong with recreational activity, whatever the reason. It happens all over the world every day.
How refreshing to hear about a very real scene. ox
1967Man
Cheating? A lot of us don’t believe in monogamy, instead seeing it as heteronormative handcuffs that resulted from no birth control and our pilgrim philosophies. Sometimes, sex is imbued with meaning. Sometimes, it’s just transactional. In the case of the former, it’s not cheating, at least not in my mind.
DarkZephyr
And a lot of us don’t view it the way you do. The way *I* view it has nothing to do with heteronormacy and everything to do with life experience. People can catch feelings despite any initial intent or how much trust there is and beautiful relationships can be threatened and even destroyed. Those willing to take that type of a risk have every right to do it and if it works for them, that is fantastic. But not every philosophy that exists is tied to heteronormacy. Monogomy is every bit as valid as non-monogomy. We all have to do what is best for us.
Bosch
It’s not the sex that makes it cheating, it’s the deception. If two people have different sexual values, and they can’t compensate, then they shouldn’t be together.
abfab
”shouldn’t be together” is most insensitve. It’s a wide world filled with all sorts of arrangements you might never see. It’s really none of our business, but I realize that we are just kvetching. Carry on!
Bosch
Any kind of arrangement is fine, as long as it’s done with honesty. No one needs to be devoting their time to a liar.
keyth57
Despite some trendy, buzzword, fancy hopskotching with words…..cheating will ALWAYS be cheating.
Scribe38
The most awkward situation I’ve ever had was having some random lady call about what I was doing with her baby’s daddy. She 1st called cussing, then calling me the f-word, finally begging me to confirm he was gay. I lied. I lied. I lied. I said, he was just doing work for me and I’d never hire him again because what she was doing. I was unwilling to out him and blow up his life. Ended my situation with the dude and moved on.
bachy
Ugh! You’re describing a scenario similar to one I have experienced. Not with a wife/mother but with the girlfriend of a man I had become close to. The man and I were not intimate – just friends – but the girlfriend was extremely paranoid and confronted me. Her insane interrogation was super-uncomfortable.
My2CentsWorth
Think that the advice given is very good. Engaging in sex with someone who is having multiple partners is risky. The only good outcome for Shocked in the Steam Room [SSR], the other guy, and the lady would be if she was not engaging in sex with multiple partners and the guy in the middle was only engaging in sex with her and SSR. If both SSR and the guy in the middle were concerned about the STI dangers enough to NOT seek out other sex partners it could safely work out. This could turn out to be even a situation in which the guy in the middle satisfied his cravens, SSR did the same and no one could get hurt.
radiooutmike
What is the big deal?
Enjoy the hookups and keep them for what they’re worth. Now, if you are catching feelings; that’s a different story.
Also, cheaters cheat, but not the actual person they maybe cheating with.