Hi Jake,
I know my boyfriend is cheating on me. About six months ago he started “going to the gym” a lot more often. He went from 2-3 times per week to literally almost every day, and sometimes he goes at really random hours, like 9 or 10 at night. I started to get suspicious when I realized that, for someone who “works out” as much as he does, he should be in way better shape. Part of me thinks I should confront him about it, but another part of me doesn’t really care. We’ve been together seven years and I like the stability of our relationship. I don’t want to mess that up. And as long as he’s being safe, I think it’s probably OK. What should I do?
Not-So-Naïve
Dear Not-So-Naïve,
How about we take this to the next level?
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While your boyfriend’s new anthem may be, “Let’s Get Physical,” it sounds like he may not really be working the kettlebells. Often times our intuitions are true about a cheating partner, and the gym is a classic alibi. For a lot of gay men, it’s as common as going to the grocery store, so it doesn’t raise suspicion to be constantly swinging a gym bag around and disappearing for a few hours at a time. In this case, I understand why the sudden change in frequency, late-night hours, and strangely plateauing waistline might raise some eyebrows.
Similar to a multi-interval HIIT class, your feelings about this seem to be alternating. On the one hand, you may not appreciate being lied to, hence your idea about confronting your man. At the same time, when it comes to actually having a monogamous relationship, it sounds like you’re not all that rigid about the concept. I’m hearing you might even be open to the trips to the “gym” if they were happening in a more honest and respectful way.
The main concern I have is your willingness to push all that down and not allow your feelings to be heard, just to keep the “peace.” While you say that things are “stable” in your relationship, it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of actual intimacy happening here. Both of you may be holding back on sharing your feelings, thoughts, and desires, just to keep things “status quo.”
Rocking the boat can feel scary, especially for people who may have a history of a lot of turmoil. It can feel easier to just let things slide and not have to risk feeling anxious or uncomfortable by sharing your truth. However, there’s a whole lot brewing beneath the surface that will eventually make itself seen in one way or another.
The best thing to do in this case is to push past your comfort zone and be willing to share. Set up a time with your boyfriend to have a talk about your relationship, including the agreement around monogamy. Try to create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings, without judgment. You might even share that you’ve noticed the change in schedule with the “gym”, and that you were wondering what that’s about. You could also say that you’ve thought about it, and you might even be okay with an “open” dynamic in your relationship, but only if you’re both honest, transparent, and respectful of each other.
Try to be as vulnerable as you can, so that you can get across that your main concern here is the withholding, lying, or betrayal that may be happening, and it’s not actually about the act of sex with another person. Use words that describe your emotional state, such as “hurt”, “sad”, or “angry”, instead of making it about him doing something wrong (that often just puts the other person on the defensive). Talking this out first with an understanding therapist could be really useful in helping you identify your feelings and craft your words.
Ideally, if both of you can get to a place of honesty in your relationship, you can then negotiate new terms around sex (safety should be included here!). You may find he’s still too scared to admit anything, and simply denies that he’s cheating. That’s okay, as you’re laying the groundwork for more transparency moving forward, so that he can emerge when he is ready. He may be feeling a lot of shame. The important part is to express your expectations around honesty.
When you ask a spotter to help balance the barbell on the bench press, trust is of the upmost importance. The same goes for relationships. Instead of 24-Hour Fitness, think 24-Hour Transparency, especially around sex and desire. It’s the best way to add muscle to your romance.
Jake Myers is the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first national platform for online therapy for and by the LGBTQ community, matching clients with quality LGBTQ therapists and providing a secure, easy-to-use platform for sessions. Have a question for Jake? Follow LGBTQ Therapy Space on Instagram and send him a message, or simply stay up to date on LGBTQ mental health tips and trends.
bachy
It’s accounts like this that make me feel very content to be single.
“I prefer viewing from a safe distance the exquisite happiness of marriage.” – Mary Barton
Doug
Yes! If it comes down to “I don’t really care either way, I just enjoy the stability of the relationship,” I’ll stay un-partnered.
basils_Herald
Being married is like any other relationship – it can be rewarding or toxic. I prefer Thich Nhat Hanh’s definition of true love. True love is the synthesis of the Four Infinite Minds: compassion, benevolence, equanimity and joy. You have to cultivate all four minds for your partner(s) and yourself, which is honest work. If you’re not being honest with your partner(s), you’re also depriving yourself of having a deeper relationship with them. A lot of cis men have been conditioned to hide how we feel for various reasons.
DBMC
This is one of those easily dealt with issues. TALK TO HIM. If you don’t care that much ask if he wants an open relationship.
Prowelsh56
Get a box of Kleenex. Your apathy just makes me laugh! Grow a pair.
Invader7
Uh NO !!! Girlfriend time to “sack up ” and leave the cheating ,LYING , duplicitous weasel.. You deserve way better treatment than this low life has been dumping on YOU. Better to be single and NOT mistreated, than this crap.. Besides there are many men out there who WILL respect and be honest with you !!! . And not play BS mind games.
winemaker
My question: why do so many gay men tolerate this SHIT? If you;re in a long term relationship and monogamous this is unacceptable, period! A cheater will always be a cheater, kick the bastard to the curb, move on to better things. And this BS of ‘open relationship’, nothing more than having a sure thing at home while playing the field. If an ‘open realtionship’ is what you want just stay single and don’t bring others who’re looking for monogamy into your dysfunctional drama
colliedude
Even if ok with a less than monogamous relationship, it’s never ok to be lied to about this kind of stuff.
Just tell him you want to go to the gym with him. If he’s not lying, you’ll at least get in better shape. And if he is lying, go to the gym anyway – maybe you’ll find your next relationship.
FreddieW
Wow. You think he’s cheating on you, but end by saying that if he’s being safe, it’s OK. So are you cheating on him, too? Is that OK?