Marcus and I had been seeing each other for about six months when I finally ended things. It wasn’t his looks, personality, or body—hell, no, on all three counts—it was because I had made the conscious decision to stop wearing condoms with men who were more than just a quick fix.
When we met, and I explained that I was on PrEP, the 42-year-old told me that he wasn’t comfortable going bareback, for now, but that he would eventually make the transition. He was going to talk to his doctor about Truvada. I would never want a partner to be uncomfortable in something as intimate as sex, and we both agreed that the gloves would go on and stay on.
About three months later I realized I wasn’t finding the latex sex particularly satisfying. He’d changed his mind about PrEP. I was mostly there to please him and felt selfish wanting bareback. Most of us who lived through the HIV/AIDS pandemic still have a bit of ingrained guilt about going raw, and it doesn’t help that we are slut-shamed on social media and in social circles.
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I actually felt a bit like a whore when I called it off and told him the reason, like some dirty old man who was happy to transmit diseases for a slightly more erotic thrill.
I got over that quickly.
My sex life from the age of 20 to about 50 involved adhering to a strict condom code. It was a 30-year necessary form of survival for men of my generation. With most studies showing PrEP’s rate at preventing HIV infection hovering at around 99 percent (when taken daily), I decided I’d earned the right to be “selfish” in bed.
Studies concur that I’m not the only one who feels this way. And if personal experience is any indication, along with what my friends tell me, most of the men who say they are using PrEP as extra protection along with condoms are lying.
“I meet guys all the time who go on and on, posting on social media about how PrEP is an extra security blanket or something, but when you get to know them, they wouldn’t think of using a condom,” says Frank, a 34-year-old Truvada user who says he has not worn protection in more than five years. “I don’t know why they do it; it’s like they want to feel superior in public.”
One only has to examine the porn industry to witness the change in sexual dynamics. It was just a few years back that condom-less sex was taboo among mainstream sites, but now even the biggest studios are trumpeting all-bareback scenes. There’s also the increasingly popular OnlyFans, where you can scan for hours without a latex sighting. The men on that site cover the spectrum from top porn performers and escorts to average Joe’s from anywhere.
Related: Is everyone an adult film star now? OnlyFans and the mainstreaming of gay sex
“They [the studios] are all switching to bareback,” says Michael Lucas, founder of Lucas Entertainment and PrEP advocate. “To survive you have to make movies without condoms because, naturally, people don’t want to see condoms when we are talking about a fantasy.”
Lucas’ own studio made the move to bareback four years ago and says he believes condoms will disappear entirely from the gay male consciousness within a few years.
“When you see Grindr, there’s a graph that says your status,” says Lucas. “Then there’s a choice to make; negative, on PrEP. Half of Grindr is negative on PrEP. There’s no way that someone who writes that will be using a condom.”
Damon Jacobs, a PrEP advocate, and therapist, says condoms will remain in a diminished capacity, mostly for those who are concerned about non-HIV STIs: “It’s the beginning of a new era of how we’re talking about sex. People have not been using condoms since the beginning, but now people are talking about semen exchange as a part of the pleasure. Condoms aren’t the enemy, and people will continue to use them, not because of HIV, but because of the other stuff.”
Jacobs believes that much of the backlash against PrEP users stems from “ignorance, fear, and, many times, trauma.”
“People like me, who survived the AIDS crisis, have a really hard time separating sex from death and disease. People were initially opposed to PrEP on a moral, not medical, basis.”
While it’s often taken a backseat to the PrEP/no condom debate, undetectable men are adding another layer to the raw v. wrap debate.
The World Health Organization has stated that people whose HIV viral load is stably suppressed cannot sexually transmit the virus, and more and more men, both negative and positive, are comfortable going bareback when non-transmittable is a fact.
“I’ve been undetectable for five years and I no longer fear that my penis is a weapon, nor do I worry about condoms, either on me or my partner,” says Luis, 58. “But about a year ago, after a guy topped me, I reminded him again that I was undetectable and he freaked out. He told me I’d probably given him AIDS and never spoke to me after that. So the ignorance is still out there.”
Clearly, not everyone has jumped on the condom-less bandwagon and many men I spoke with don’t see them disappearing anytime soon. While some simply distrust the statistics of Truvada or undetectable success rates or fear they are going to change when a new strain of HIV appears, others fear a new catastrophic rise of STI’s that are increasingly resistant to medication.
“Every time I think about sex without a condom, I just think of all the diseases I might be exposed to,” says Marcus, who agreed to be interviewed for this piece on the condition that his surname be omitted. “Too many guys are having raw-sex parties, there’s men who invite people over for Pump N Dumps; we’re just headed for some sort of disaster. I don’t think every bareback guy is promiscuous, but, as it’s always been, when you sleep with one guy you’re sleeping with all the other guys he’s been with. I don’t think condoms will die out until HIV ends and STD’s are kept to some kind of minimum…
“So, probably never,” he concluded.
As for me, I’m old enough, and was precocious enough, to remember a time when men were having unprotected sex without ever mentioning a condom. Yes, they talked about STI’s and often made regular testing appointments. But I never saw a Trojan pop out of its wrapper until after I heard the word AIDS. Will that day arrive again?
Only time, science, and public opinion can tell.
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Bromancer7
Popcorn is buttered, waiting for the pearl-clutching slut-shamers.
Vince
Yes the slut shamer order of the holy righteous will be coming along soon to do what they do best. 😉
Vince
I remember when I was saying that most on prep don’t use condoms. It was like a curse word and I’d get attacked. Nobody wanted to admit it. They would give the standard line ..I use prep and condoms because I’m the safest of them all! Lol
Billy Budd
This is MADNESS. I will cease to use condoms when they find the cure. Or when I die.
Chrisk
Didn’t you say you were obese. Isn’t that another form of safe sex. Lol
Kangol
@Chrisk, was the fat-shaming of Billy Budd necessary? Can’t you respond to his comment without the nasty childish attack?
andrewl
I agree with you. PReP does not protect you from other STI’s and there are some very nasty bugs around. Also I do not know if the science knows about the long term health effects of taking this powerful drug every day. Too many risks and unknowns. This by the way is not slut shaming as use condoms and go for it, have fun safely and sanely!
Billy Budd
Chris, you are acting like a three-year old kid. Is that your way of winning an argument? Pointing at someone and saying “you are fat”, “you are gay”, “you are latin”? Are you repeating the way people treated you when you were a child? Were you bullied as a child? People who were abused have a marked tendency to become bullies later in life.
.
Grow up!
Wicked Dickie
1. This “story” is an ad for Truvada and PrEP.
2. It really made no sense
3. It’s not a badge of honor to have an STD
4. It is not a badge of honor just because you are on PrEP or Truvada to “take on the whole town”
5. PrEP and Truvada does not protect against Herpes, which is also a LIFELONG STD.
Chrisk
Speaking of not making any sense. No where did I see anyone calling it a badge of honor and everyone already knows it only protects you for Hiv so what is your point? Jesus Christ. Bromancor is right. Get the effing popcorn.
Wicked Dickie
@ChrisK, Truvada and PrEP do not protect against herpes, which, even though it’s not a “killer”, it certainly isn’t cute to be out in public with herpes sores all over the corner of your mouth, or on your asshole WHEN you have a flair up. The point is that like any heterosexual or gay relationship, trust, verify, play safe. I have “unprotected sex”, but my HUSBAND AND I don’t play around on each other and we got the full battery of tests done before when we started dating exclusively and we still get tested as part of our annual health physical. So take your rotten hole and go somewhere.
Bromancer7
Fun fact: condoms aren’t that effective against herpes. The herpes virus is often found in the surrounding pubic and anal areas that aren’t covered by a condom.
caris
Ok, you can choose to not use condoms, but let’s not poo-poo on the idea of other people using them. I am assuming that your insurance covers it, and that whatever side effects for you are minor and manageable.
I am more than willing to bet that the insurance aspect is not going to be close to universal. There are also going to be guys who look at the cost of condoms and the total real cost of this drug and go it just doesn’t make sense. For those people condom use is still going to be mandatory, unless they are chasing the disease or they are idiots.
And here is the catch, the responsible guys not on Prep are going to pass you buy unless they have proof that you have been on your regime 100% perfectly, maybe. More likely, you are only going to have sex with guys who are confident in their use of Prep and those who do not care. Big difference than what you are assuming, which is that with Prep no one should care.
frankcar1965
Whatever, all the guys who say they use condoms ALL if the time are big effing liars! They mean they use them when they feel like it and when they THINK the other guy is neg. Or of course, the other guy says he just got tested and is neg, right, give me a break. THEY ALL LIE! Queers are the BIGGEST liars about everything, especially about SEX.
Just like the ones who say they’re in a monogamous relationship, at least they think they are in a monogamous relationship, until they find out they’re not.
Wicked Dickie
He said poo-poo, lol. I see what you did there. Condoms protect against poo-poo on your d!ck.
MonkeyMan
This idea that because you’ve had unprotected sex X amount of times and haven’t caught anything so you don’t have to wear a condom is so faulty and unscientific it’s unbearable.
Prep is not 100% and certainly doesn’t protect you from getting or spreading any other STIs. And you not telling your partners about your status before sex is uncivilized and just plain stupid. They have the right to know even though you’re undetectable and on every medication the doctor has to offer.
No medication or sexual prophylactic is 100%. But who in their right mind would go with 98% if you can get to 99.9%?
HIV is no joke and you’ll be depended on meds and doctor visits for the rest of your life if you get it. Why is there any debate surrounding this? It’s as obvious as it can be!
If you wanna get together with a bunch of people who wanna do it without a condom then go ahead. But don’t drag people into that lifestyle by not telling them or assuming they don’t care because you think your medication makes you safe and undetectable.
Chrisk
First maybe actually read the article since this is NOTHING TO DO with undetectable stats and Hiv+ people. Dumbass.
1898
@Chrisk it sounds like you’re the one who didn’t read the article or didn’t read it carefully enough. the author talks about poz guys and “undetectable = untransmissible” in the article. one of the people he quoted in the article is a poz undetectable guy who doesn’t use condoms…
Wicked Dickie
ChrisK is an idiot. He’s probably been passed around and well known on the bathhouse scene.
Vince
@Wicked Dickie. Wow the trolls like yourself sure are attracted to articles like this. Must be tough being so unwanted and lonely.
Vince
@1898. It wasn’t the author who said that. It was the World Health Organization that he brought up that did.
1898
@Vince ok you are really splitting hairs here. I said the author talks about it in his article, and he does.
PinkoOfTheGange
If he was having sex without anyone even thinking of condoms, he ain’t 50 or he was 14 at the time.
BTW thanks for your unsupported rationalizing overshare.. It is your decision but why we need to know about it…I have no clue.
Chrisk
Ha. That was a very astute observation. Maybe he was an advanced 14 yo. Lol
Actually found his rationalizing very relatable. 30 years and now condom burnout. Plus as men get older they experience ED issues more which makes condoms even more burdensome.
frankcar1965
Stupid you, this is Queerty, it’s not classic literature, did you come here for real hard facts? It’s a trash gossip website and you certainly are here reading it.
metta
With other STD’s on the rise, there is more to be concerned with than just HIV. There are good reasons to continue to wear condoms, even if they are on Prep
Heywood Jablowme
“As for me, I’m old enough, and was precocious enough, to remember a time when men were having unprotected sex without ever mentioning a condom.”
uh… wait a minute. You’re 50 now, so that means in 1981 (when AIDS first hit the news) you were 12 or 13. Or maybe you’re referring to a year or two earlier than that, before AIDS was heard of? Really, you were butt-f*cking at age 12 or 13? Or earlier? With “men”? Yeah, that’s rather “precocious.”
(calling b.s. on your memory, if nothing else!)
Kangol
There’s no way David Toussaint is “50” and remembers men “having unprotected sex without ever mentioning a condom” without those same men worried about HIV/AIDS, so either he’s 60 or he’s not telling the truth. I get his feeling about condom burnout, but it ends up reading like an ad for Truvada/PrEP, which is effective but clearly does not protect against every other sexually transmitted illness or disease. Condoms are effective against nearly all of them, and condoms+PrEP even more so. Anyone who lived through the 1980s and early 1990s can also attest to the staggering number of people whom HIV/AIDS took from this world. It was heartbreaking.
The writer isn’t talking about using PrEP in a long-term monogamous relationship, he’s basically saying that he dropped someone he was seeing because the guy didn’t want raw sex. What Toussaint doesn’t say is whether he is POZ or not, or what the other guy’s serostatus was, and that this is part of the issue.
Also, Michael Lucas of all people claims that no one wants to see sex with condoms, but that’s BS. For someone people condoms are not a turnoff, either when we’re having sex, or seeing on others during sex. Maybe fans of his studio don’t, but that’s not everybody.
Meanwhile, you continue to have HIV and other STI transmission and seroconversion, despite all the decades of HIV prevention education, because a sizable number of people are neither on PrEP nor using condoms, or they’re incorrectly using PrEP and think it’s a kind of cure-all, and you have a discourse that being undetectable means no HIV transmission, which may be true, but it isn’t a magic bullet if you’re taking 10 raw loads in your @ss. Is Truvada claiming it is? I don’t think so.
frankcar1965
Sorry read up and get informed, It is better than condoms for HIV. Besides you are lying if you say you are using condoms, how did we get all these HIV poz men if people are using condoms? It’s because they’re not. It doesn’t matter if you should use them, it seems nobody was even before PreP, it was all Russian roulette.
Juanjo
The simple reality is that with negative people on PrEP and HIV+ people compliant with HIV medications, those people if they go bareback are not likely to have issues passing the virus or becoming infected. HOWEVER, the other simple reality is that there are all sorts of STDs out there that can cause all sorts of medical issues. Including STDs which have become resistant to antibiotic treatment.
Geeker
Dear God PrEP whores are tedious…We get it PrEP makes you feel empowered and invincible now just shut up about it already!
Vince
You do realize this is an article about PrEP and you don’t have to even look at it? Maybe you should try shutting yourself up too.
Modernheretic
Wear condoms if you sleep around, be safe or become another statistic. If you are already positive, have a heart and help end AIDS by wearing condoms.
Aromaeus
I read these articles and I just think about how super gonorrhea is on the rise.
Also quoting Michael Lucas? The guy whose been accused of not testing his models and having negative ones work with poz models without informing them.
Sfmoby
We convinced whole generations of gay men to fear sex. It should not come as a surprise many of those men still fear (and judge others)
for barebacking. On top of that, we created a culture of sero-sorting. In one corner, you had supposed neg guys claiming “neg for neg”, “clean only”, and/ “disease free” in attempt to avoid transmission while not always using condoms. The irony was this approach only led to higher transmission rates and more stigma.
Then you had poz men sero-sorting to avoid the ignorance, fear, and stigma associated with their status.
With the discovery of PrEP, both camps are rediscovering natural sex without fear. Education on real risk factors is going up while stigma and transmission rates are going down.
Not every situation will or won’t require condoms. STIs beyond hiv are still of concern. (Of course, they were rampant prior to PrEP, primarily because almost no one used condoms for oral.)
The fear-mongers need not fear, condoms will not go away or become useless until we find a cure for not only HIV but all other STIs. However, many more men abandon their irrational fears and make better informed choices on when condoms are a necessity.
surreal33
Several issues here which are extremely problematic.
1. If Prep is wonderful? Why don’t men on Prep state I take every raw dick I can but don’t worry I am on Prep.
2. Luis why did he wait until AFTER the sexual encounter to remind the random trick he was undetectable? If undetectable is not a problem, then Luis should disclosed BEFORE the sexual encounter. The article is trying desperately to normalize unprotected sex. Yet fails to address different strains of HIV as well as the laundry list of other STIs which Prep offers NO protection. Many of said STIs are becoming resistant to all antibiotics.
3. What is truly frightening the sheer number of gay men believe “I can get off better without a condom” therefore it is okay risk transmitting diseases.
4. The gay cowards whom behind the subterfuge of “slut shaming”. Ironic sense you can only shame someone if there is questionable behavior or action. If in your heart of hearts you believe your actions are just then it is impossible to “slut shame” a gay man.
drumstick
The other “moral lesson” we learned from the AIDS crisis, it’s that sex is about more than physicality, it’s and best when you care enough about the person to make sure they feel comfortable and secure. It allows you to expand your horizons.
Jussie_Racist_Clown
It’s the antibiotic resistant STD’s that worry me.
Heywood Jablowme
PrEP is intended to protect the person who is TAKING it. That’s the whole idea. That part is great.
PrEP was not intended to be used as a cudgel to beat any “long-term” (6 month) relationship into barebacking when he doesn’t want to bareback.
The author even says, “I would never [!!!] want a partner to be uncomfortable in something as intimate as sex, and we both agreed that the gloves would go on and stay on”… until the next paragraph where he changed his mind and decided “never” wasn’t a long-term concept and he was perfectly fine being “selfish” and having the partner be uncomfortable. Or else… bye Felicia.
And his rationale is mind-boggling: *Porn has a lot of barebacking, therefore I must bareback.* (The modern version of “I think, therefore I am”?)
joe
about 4 yrs ago i was diagnosed with hepatitis b i had the vaccine but it was either too late or i already had it. it took about 6 months to figure it out. it was hell. i ALWAYS used condoms ALWAYS. i was never “wired” that bareback was hot. i was pretty crazy my friends all did porn, i went along on shoots, sex parties every circuit party that came along. then the reality set in i’m not blaming anyone but myself they were my choices. so now every 6 months i need to get blood work and ultra scan for my liver which thankfully was not damaged as it was caught in time. FOR ME i could never not use a condom. if i got another sti i think i’d hang myself. the shit i went through with figuring out the hepatitis was life changing and i’m reminded every 6 months. prep is great but why would i not add a condom so i would not have to through hell again. these are only my choices everyone has to make their own..
andrewl
I am sorry that you got Hep B but glad to hear it was diagnosed in time before you got liver damage. Thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective. The trouble is that when you are younger you think you are bullet proof and the idea of medical treatment that lasts the rest of your life just does not compute. It’s only as you grow older and see more of life you understand and appreciate implications.
andyinchicago
This is highly inappropriate and unethical. Being a slut: cool. Sleep with whoever you want and do whatever you want with them. I’m down with that. I do that. But telling people that if they’re on PrEP to throw away condoms is hurtful. Condoms help protect or reduce the rate of infection for chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, and syphilis. As more bacteria acquire antibiotic resistance, protecting yourself from these diseases in the first place (The bacterial ones, not the viral ones) will reduce unnecessary use of antibiotics. The more antibiotics are used, the more likely that they lose their effectiveness. I say this as a man with a PhD in microbiology looking at the spread of antibiotic resistance. If you’re with a partner and monogamous, cool: ditch the condoms. If you are having outside contact with strangers or people who are not tested regularly for the full spectrum of STI’s, wearing a condom is what you owe everyone.
1898
“…others fear a new catastrophic rise of STI’s that are increasingly resistant to medication.”
their fear is justified because there IS a significant rise in non-HIV STIs, and more of those STI cases involve either antibiotic resistance or they involve patients who are allergic to the first- or second-line antibiotics. it’s a completely legitimate thing to be afraid of.
there are millions of people who are allergic to penicillin, and those people therefore cannot take the first-line treatment for gonorrhea. these people must take four other antibiotics, and the outcomes are not as good. if the person has gonorrhea for too long, they can develop heart infections which carry a 25% risk of death and also require antibiotics which may or may not be effective.
then there’s syphillis, which first-line treatment is penicillin, and again this is not an option for the millions of people who are allergic to it. coupled with new resistant strains and the need to use less-effective second-line antibiotics, this becomes extremely difficult to treat, and it is gruesome.