The Queerty Interview

If your dating profile says “No Asians” then you’re a “trash gay,” Korean comedian says

“Idiots who say ‘No Asians’ are the same trash gays who say ‘No Fats, No Fems, Masc only’ and other basic Grindr sh*t like that,” comedian Peter Kim tells Queerty. “It’s usually white gays (surprise!) that are enslaved to the heteronormative notions of shaming femininity and praising masculinity.”

Kim is a self-identifying “fabulous husky gaysian” comedian born living in Chicago. He’s appeared at Second City, Laugh Factory, and on The Moth, and has recently started using his platform to tackle the issue of racism among gay men, specifically racism directed at Asian men. Last month, he recorded a PSA about it for PBS.

Related: This “fabulous husky gaysian” comedian is so over your white supremacy

“Americans tend to emasculate Asian men,” Kim says, “so when you’re gay and Asian, you’re expected to speak in a hushed whisper, if at all. When strangers meet me, they expect me to be sweet and understated, so I make sure I serve them the complete opposite dish.”

We had an opportunity to chat with Kim about his experiences as a gay Korean-American man, the absurd things people have said to him about his race, and why he’s not putting up with it any longer…

QUEERTY: How often do people ask you where your from and how do you respond? 

KIM: I was born in Flushing, Queens and have never been to Korea, but because of the way my face looks, I am charged with answering for my Korean-ness, instead of being an American human that just happens to not be white. It’s absurd because it’s just another little way white people make sure Asians feel like second class citizens. My favorite is when they find out that I’m Korean and they ask “North or South?” I always say “North” and blankly stare at them until their faces contort and explode with shame.

What are some of the most annoying misconceptions you’ve heard about gay Asian men?

People assume that we are all bottoms, and that’s just not true. Some of us are power-bottoms! And tops, and vers, and asexual, and greedy little leather pigs. What I’m trying to say is that it should be obvious that Asian gays are as sexually diverse as white gays, even if you don’t see them portrayed in your media as such. And by “media,” I do mean “gay porn.”

What about those dudes who write “No Asians” on their dating profiles? Why is saying stuff like that racist? And what about those people who insist it’s not about race but rather “preference”?

You can call it what you want, but it’s straight up disrespect and I’m not having any of it. People think they can be casually racist to Asians and it be totally OK because you don’t see us clapping back. Well, here’s me clapping back: If you’ve never asked yourself why you prefer what you prefer, then you might as well be cattle.

Idiots who say “No Asians” are the same trash gays who say “No Fats, No Fems, Masc only” and other basic Grindr sh*t like that. It’s usually white gays (surprise!) that are enslaved to the heteronormative notions of shaming femininity and praising masculinity, which is insane because, hello, WE ARE GAY!

You’re dating a white guy from Minnesota (where I’m from, BTW!). Have you experienced any challenges being an interracial couple?

Firstly, congrats on being from Minnesota. I’ve traveled all around the Midwest, and you guys seem to be doing the whole “white thing” right. I’ve had the best time meeting my boyfriend’s family and friends in Minneapolis. People seem to be woke, without being self-congratulatory, which is a difficult balance to achieve.

Frankly, the only roadblock we’ve faced is from my mother, who is lovely but does not speak a lick of English, and she’s been an American for 35 years. I guess she figured that I’d learn it, make a bunch of money, then take care of her… So I guess what I’m trying to say is that she better get hooked on some phonics, quick.

How do we, the LGBTQ community, begin to tackle the issue of white supremacy in our culture?

We must tackle white supremacy in our culture by learning from the mistakes of white feminists. We must wake up and stand up for all oppressed groups, intersectionally, starting with women. If sexism and male supremacy is not fixed first, then we have no hope for anything else because oppression trickles down. The abused turn around and abuse those more vulnerable, quickly forgetting the lessons we’ve learned.

Especially during a volatile and confusing time under our current administration, we must all band together and fight hate and fear as a united front. And I think the way to do that is through more communication and exposure. If you care for someone who is a gay Asian man or trans Latina woman or a Black bisexual, you’re more inclined to use your vote to protect them from institutionalized hate.

Is there anything you would like to add?

Privilege, in all its forms and in itself is not a bad thing. We are all more privileged than others in different ways. It’s how we decide to engage with it that defines our character. Some people are so willing to believe that they are the victims of their story that they choose to be willfully ignorant of how much better they have it than so many others in our country, much less the world. It’s not a crime to be privileged, but it is criminal to ignore the existence of it.

Related: Bottom Shame With A Side Of “No Asian”: A Message For All You Racist Grindr Users Out There

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103 Comments

  • corktownboy

    Trash? Really? That’s definitely a blanket statement. Not everyone is attracted to all races sexually. How often is this seen as an issue in the straight community on their dating profiles? You have a sense of grandiosity if you feel we cannot all state our preferences.

    • davidkohl

      The point he makes is a good one. I share a house here in London with a white guy who exclusively dates asians because he assumes they are all ‘bottoms’ and can be dominated and controlled by him. Why would you exclude entire races of people when considering where you might your true love unless there is at least an element of racism? I have never excluded any group – and have had many wonderful relationships with men from all races. I do not limit myself to ‘tops’ or bottoms’ or anything else. I date people – not colours or sizes. I applaud Mr.Kim.

    • OhJisook

      Just as Peter Kim stated, ask yourself “Why?” What is it about a particular race that you find unattractive or have issue with? Is it skin color? Your answer could reflect a bit of racism deep down in you that maybe you’re unaware of.

    • Kathy Green

      @ David Kohl: According to your logic, gay men (including Kim) are sexist for not wanting to date women and straight men are sexist for not wanting to date men. You write that you “date people”. So, are you bisexual? I am bisexual, but I have my preferences when it comes to race. Simply because people of different races look different. I happen to find Asians attractive, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not being attracted to Asians. Also, there’s a big difference between writing “No Asians.” and “No fats.” “Asians” is a neutral term, “fats” is derogatory.

    • corktownboy

      You both make good points and a healthy conversation we can have. It’s nice to see us not shooting down ideas or points. For me, I’m Caucasian and am sexually attracted mostly to other white guys; that’s not to say I haven’t slept with other races because I have: black, brown and Asian. I have friends of all races and some of them exclusively date out of their race, and some inside their race. It’s all in what one person does and doesn’t find preferable to themselves in a mate.

    • cabe

      I think by saying “No Asians” you are automatically shutting out a whole group of people when you might actually come across an Asian you find attractive. I also think it just feels like hanging up a sign on your store window that says “No Jews, No Asians or No gays Allowed”. To state it so blatantly is just somewhat offensive.

    • Xzamilloh

      No, Kathy Green, you did, that is NOT the line of logic, because as gay men we don’t sexually discriminate against women… because we don’t want ANY WOMAN, just like a straight man doesn’t discriminate against any gay guy sexually. Big, small, tall, short, black, white, Asian, whatever… if you have a vagina, a gay man don’t want you, so PLEASE stop with that stupid retort because it’s just that, stupid. I don’t even have a personal issue with men who date a certain race or exclude another because there is too much good D and A out there to be hung up on one d-bag’s preferences.

  • JerseyMike

    I wonder if he date guys other than white. Asian, black? Doubt it.

    I never put what I don’t want in a profile. I am very specific about what I want. If your feelings are still hurt, that’s your problem.

    • cabe

      Just ignore or politely decline notifications from Asians if you’re not into them. I just feel like announcing it to the world is offensive. To me its like hanging a sign in front of your store saying “No colored people or gays” allowed.
      Dont you think if you were Asian you’d feel sh$tty about it? I would.

    • JerseyMike

      Cabe: not sure if I’m misunderstanding or if you are.. I’ve never said I wasn’t attracted to Asians. As I said earlier I never put in MY profile my dislikes.. I always say thank but no if I’m not attracted.

    • Vincent22

      This ^. I think saying what you want in a positive way is sooo much better than saying what you don’t want. Wish I could thumbs up your comment.

    • zxcv

      Typical NJ “person.”

    • zxcv

      I will say one thing: at least you don’t list what you hate but what you love. Better than the alternative of using slurs, etc

  • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

    Go eat a dog or whatever it is you’re into and stop worrying about what white people do.

    • davidkohl

      WOW – I am surprised you get away with such an obviously racist comment like that. You don’t have to be Trump to be a racist American.

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      Yep Heywood they sure do. And the number of Koreans doing it is on the rise. It’s considered a delicacy.

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      And also, I don’t give a damn it it’s racists. Although it’s funny so many facts are racist these days. White gays are going to start fighting back. Deal with it.

    • rmarin776

      What is your problem? Is it tough being a white guy? Wah.

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      Oh it’s no problem whatsoever. You swing at me and I’m going to swing back. It’s that simple. Or tools like this guy can quit being leg humpers and go about their own business.

    • Kangol

      That’s extremely RACIST, and you know it. Absolutely disgusting, but let’s see if Queerty does anything about it.

    • davidkohl

      Who are you fighting with? I am also a white gay – I am not Trump – I don’t feel the need to fight against minorities and anyone else I don’t like. This ‘fighting back’ against a mythical enemy is just an excuse for white supremacy and blatant racism. Deal with that Trump lackey!

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      If the fact that Koreans eat dog is racist, then they need to stop eating dog. Is it also racist that blacks eat pork or that pretty much everyone eats cows? Some people find eating pork and beef upsetting. Why aren’t they racist for that?

    • Kangol

      He’s Korean-American. I.e., American.

      And yes, your comment is racist and offensive.

    • zxcv

      I smell a lawsuit headed your way. Do what you do best: go gas Jews, Slavs, Gypsies, and other “undsirables.” To the other sane ones: why is it that this “person” hasn’t been flagged, banned? This is a patently racist comment

  • Bromancer7

    Or maybe we just don’t like unattractive and unfunny comedians. Can I put that in my profile?

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    “No fat ugly Koreans; but cute Koreans welcomed” more acceptable?

    • davidkohl

      Disgusting.

    • zxcv

      What is wrng with you North Ameicans? Why hide (in this case, thinly veil) your racism as snarkiness? You people deserve to be hated at times

  • Josh447

    As far as races go, yes, white is at the top of the food chain, very sexy. Asians are at the bottom, least sexy. It’s called life on a spectrum. It’s how this world works. Choose wisely the next time you are born. It lasts a lifetime.

    • JerseyMike

      White be at the top,of your food chain..

    • JerseyMike

      White might be at the top of YOUR food chain….

    • davidkohl

      You people shock me and make me ashamed to be white. If you are gay then you are already part of a minority who are discriminated against. Why would you then perpetrate that same discrimination on others? If you are not gay then you probably voted for Trump.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @davidkohl: It’s not “discrimination” in the sense of employment, or housing, or educational opportunities, or the criminal justice system… or anything that’s actually, like, important.

      It’s not even “discrimination” regarding friendship. It’s not even necessarily “discrimination” regarding dating.

      It’s just about sex. Casual, meaningless sex.

    • rmarin776

      @davidkohl: thank you. also ashamed to read so many of the comments here. though the optimistic part of me hopes it just a few sad guys begging for attention, it is indicative of a larger trend.

      @heywood: i don’t think I’m into casual sex with guys who seem to have no soul. sex is a human connection, whether once off or ongoing. if you’re going to use other people as a masturbation tool, it’s called narcissism, and you may as well just stay home.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @rmarin776: Well, we’re all very proud of you. We acknowledge your superiority over the rest of us horny drooling mortals. (eyeroll)

      But since you’re so superior, you should avoid Grindr. And I assume you have already figured that out.

      You should also – unlike Peter Kim – refrain from the equating whatever happens on Grindr with the gay (male) community in general. Those are two entirely different things.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @rmarin776: Also – Peter Kim ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND. So WTF does he care what guys on Grindr are doing?

    • dean3000

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah your leader Trump is so damn sexy

  • Chevelter

    I a white guy who finds many Asian men attractive, and also men from all other races as well. I’m not offended if someone says upfront what they like or don’t like, though. If I put “No Women” in my profile am I trash, too? We all like what we like.

    • Kangol

      Well, if you’re on a gay (as opposed to all orientations, bi, or trans) website, I’d assume no women would be after you, but I could be wrong.

    • mhoffman953

      @Kangol trans isn’t an orientation. What if someone puts “asians only” or “blacks only” are they still racist?

  • am_psi

    Guys who aren’t into fat, feminine Asians (or any other given characteristic) aren’t going to be shamed into liking them. All you do by insisting that they not state their preferences outright is to waste your time and theirs. I would suggest looking for guys who are into the things you are, but I have a feeling people like Kim would find fault with people “fetisihizing” them.

    • davidkohl

      You miss his point – be excluding whole groups of people based on looks you might be missing that one true love of your life. Of course we are not going to fall in love with everyone – but it is so shallow to reject people simply based on appearance. He is not wanting to shame you into liking people – he is asking you to think about why you discriminate against whole groups of people.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @davidkohl: Yes, that’s it – most guys on Grindr are looking for the love of their life.

    • yrab8691

      @davidkohl
      how is it shallow to reject people based on appearance?, by your logic if ‘appearance’ didn’t matter – then surely we’d all be bisexual – because we wouldn’t care what people look like. And before you say ‘yes but woman have vagina’s and men have dicks’ …. I say to you that there are gay men who AREN’T dick centric and look for other other appearance or mannerism qualities in a partner! for example some guys might prefer a FTM trans guy who is masculine over a femme cis-male. Attraction is highly individual and complex. Looks aren’t everything….. but neither is personality

  • da90027

    I find anyone who lists what they don’t like in profiles to be a jerk. Just list what you do like instead a list of what you don’t it’s called manners and decorum. If a guy hits you up you don’t like just say no thanks and leave it at that.

    • davidkohl

      First comment on here that I can agree with. You sir are a gentleman.

    • corktownboy

      Yes, eloquently expressed. Thank you.

    • cabe

      Exactly!

    • Heywood Jablowme

      Agree – it IS that simple.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    I’m curious to learn how he and his (white) boyfriend met. Most people who actually HAVE boyfriends are not utterly obsessed with Grindr. Since he’s still so obsessed with Grindr, I wonder is that where he met his bf? Did his white bf say “I’m into Asians”? Some white guys do say that, you know. Although I suppose that would be “fetishizing” Asians (as a poster says above).

    Are they still both looking around on Grindr? Perhaps only to tsk-tsk at the racism, ageism and “fat-shaming” they see there? Perhaps they might consider finding a more productive hobby.

    Attention, SJW Grindr police: Grindr is not a dating site!

    • zxcv

      SJW is a label people need to wear proudly

  • justyouandi

    I’ve never used any of these apps, but aren’t they solely used for people looking to have sex? If I were I would also include blonds and redheads, and anyone who shaves their legs in my list of exclusions. I have close friends who are blond, red haired, and some who shave their legs, but, as much as I value their presence in my life, I don’t want to have sex with them.

    I met a Chinese guy once who was tall, had very hairy legs and chest, and I couldn’t get enough of him. So if I could find him, or someone like him, I would include Asians, but it’s not likely to happen.

    What’s wrong, really, with knowing you don’t want to have sex with a fat guy or an effeminate guy, so, to save time, you let that be known up front?

    • Bromancer7

      Because it’s racist! And ageist! And fat-shaming! You’re required to have sex with anyone that asks, whether you find them attractive or not, otherwise you’re discriminating against them!

  • Gates

    We need to stop getting our little gay feelings hurt. If you are not attracted to a physical type you should save everyone a lot of time and hurt feelings by saying so up front. It doesn’t mean you are racist, everyone has types they are not attracted to. There are plenty of men that are attracted to Asian men, so stop your bellyaching. Gay men are such whiners.

  • OhJisook

    I just love how articles like this bring out the worst kinds of people to the comments section. Racists, trolls, and those who feel the need to go straight into insulting appearance or cultures.

    • rmarin776

      Totally agreed.

    • davidkohl

      Excellent and to the point comment. I just feel sad that gay people should be the ones so willlng to indulge in this type of racism. And worse – try to defend it.

    • mozzer

      So many ASSHOLES on here!

  • JerseyMike

    Seems like the guys who scream sexual racism are the ones who don’t date guys that look like them. Don’t get mad when someone does not want to date you because of your race, when you can’t date someone from your own race.

    I will admit that I have fcuked/”dated” the rainbow. As I get older I do find men who are a reflection of me more appealing. This is were I am at this time in my life. That does not mean I dont find men of ALL races attractive. Does not mean I will not date/love someone who doesn’t look like me.

    I say date whomever you like. Life is to short not to have love, sex, friends..

  • Armiya

    Of course my preferences in men have changed over the years. It would most likely be not only due to age, but also I’ve changed too. I could give a shit about Grindr, because it’s just a catalog of cloned types wearing the latest tacky underwear. Also if you have a preference you don’t even have to list it, just ignore the message. It’s not like people are looking for deep meaningful conversations when on Grindr.

  • NateOcean

    Actually I saw Kim’s segment on PBS a few weeks ago. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out *why* it was even on the News Hours.

    Now, having read this article and after the PBS segment, I can say with certainly that’s I’d rather not date Mr Kim.

    Mostly because he’s just plain obnoxious, with a bit of clinging victimhood mixed in.

    • davidkohl

      When you are not part of the group being discriminated against it is easy to dismiss them as ‘victims’ or ‘obnoxious’ in that derogatory way. You entirely miss the point he was making. And no I am not Asian or Black. Oh and I don’t think anyone asked you to date Mr.Kim.

  • Black Pegasus

    Gay men are mentally damaged creatures. Our hang ups surrounding race highlights part of the dysfunction. I’m fatigued with the topic of white supremacy because fighting against it now drains my soul. Humanity is a cancer to itself as long as Race and Religion continues to divide us.

    Now excuse me, I’m boarding a Spaceship to leave the planet.

    • davidkohl

      Best comment on here!

    • Bromancer7

      Better make sure you take an Asian, overweight man, and a guy over 40 with you. You wouldn’t want to be called a racist, body-shaming, or ageist for excluding them.

    • zxcv

      + 10

    • zxcv

      That was for Black Pegasus. Bromancer should just die.

  • dean3000

    Well I think people who put that in their profiles do me a favour. It exposes what trashy thoughts they have and how they are best avoided.

    Gay white supremacists exist you know.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      Right, that’s the way to look at it and there’s no need to overcomplicate it. If someone puts that in their profile, that’s going to be sexually unappealing to a lot of white guys too (& not just Asians or whatever group is “no”). It indicates a general narrow-mindedness, to say the least.

      Some guys are STILL gonna do the “no” stuff, though, and I don’t see any point in this constant crusade to shame everybody on casual sex apps into using better words.

  • davidkohl

    @ Kathy Green. First – I am not bi sexual – I am totally gay. In the 1950’s and 60’s in the UK you would be able to find signs on boarding houses saying ‘No Blacks No Irish No Dogs’. Is that a ‘preference’ that you would approve of? Fortunately, these days we are much further ahead in terms of how we treat other groups of people than it appears you are in the USA. There is no point in pretending that we don’t know what most people mean when they say things like ‘no Asians’ or ‘no blacks’ – just look at the openly racist comments on here. I was shocked when I read them. But I am not surprised – the election of an openly racist, sexist, homophobe by a minority of your people has somehow given permission for the other slugs to crawl out from under the stones. I am just sorry that some of those happen to be gay.

    • Bromancer7

      You really can’t grasp the difference of actual discrimination, such as in housing or facilities, and have a sexual preference, can you?

      Putting up a sign on your business that says “no Blacks” = bad.

      Putting in your online sex profile “no Blacks” = you don’t find Black men sexually attractive and don’t want to have sex with them.

      If you can’t understand the difference, or even acknowledge there is a difference, then you have bigger problems.

      All you little snowflakes need to get over this sh*t. People have preferences as to what they like and what they don’t. It doesn’t mean they’re racist. It means they’re being up front with they kinds of men they want to have sex with, and the kinds they don’t. It’s as simple as that.

    • Kathy Green

      @ David Kohl: As Bromancer7 already pointed out, there’s a big difference between businesses and private people.
      You aren’t sexually attracted to women. Am I offended by that? No! Am I calling you an evil sexist for it? No! I accept that you are attracted to what you are attracted to. Just like there are people who aren’t attracted to all sexes, there are people who aren’t attracted to all races.
      Blatantly writing things like “no Asians” or “no blacks” in one’s dating profile can be regarded as impolite, but it is definitely not racist. I view it as an impolite but efficient straightforwardness. If someone wrote “no Ch*nks” or “no n*ggers”, then that would be racist because of the choice of words.
      By the way, the people who voted for Trump aren’t my people. I am German. I disapprove of some of the other commenters’ choice of words, too. However, I totally agree with them that it’s okay to exclude certain racial groups because you aren’t attracted to them.

  • whatsaywhat

    GROAN! We aren’t entitled to have every nameless, faceless stranger-with-an-iPhone be attracted to us and our physical features! If someone states they aren’t attracted to Asians on Grindr then they aren’t the right guy for you. Thats fine. They don’t owe you anything and their sexual tastes are not up for negotiation. There are lots of white guys who ARE into Asians, if that’s what you’re looking for… Or better yet, find an Asian to date yourself – there are literally 4 billion to chose from!

  • whatsaywhat

    And just the same- if u aren’t turned on by white guys, it’s totally cool to just say it upfront so they can know to move on. That doesn’t make u racist and it shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

  • davidkohl

    I really can’t understand why all you Americans don’t seem to understand the point Mr.Kim was making. Too subtle maybe. It’s not about White v. Asian or being upset by some comment on a tacky sex site. I am White myself and no I do not feel attracted to every man I see. But I don’t dismiss them based on appearance or colour. Like many other people I have been approached by men in clubs or bars – I always at least spent some time talking with them even if I was not physically attracted to them. And to my surprise on more than one occasion I ended up having a relationship with that person. Why? Because I saw past the shallowness and looked at the inside. That’s the point Mr.Kim was making. I am shocked by the level of racism on this gay site and the fact that nothing is done about it. Nothing has really changed in the USA has it?

    • Heywood Jablowme

      You told us above (the second comment in this thread) that you LIVE with a racist housemate in London, but I bet you never say anything to him about it.

      Apparently it’s a lot easier for you to tap away here and call all Americans racist than it is for you to confront an actual racist living in your own house?

      You’re comparing apples and oranges by bringing up bars. Bars are different than Grindr (and better, IMO!) but of course that’s a different and psychologically richer environment. I’ve never used Grindr and I’m not defending it. Obviously in a bar, people’s interactions are going to be different and better.

      Real dating sites are different too – I’ve never noticed the “no” stuff on real dating sites.

    • Bromancer7

      Grindr isn’t used for finding long-lasting meaningful relationships. It’s for getting laid.

      So that right there is your first problem; one among many.

  • nitejonboy

    I’m a slightly overweight white male who’s given up on dating entirely because of the whole no fats no fems thing in dating profiles. If you aren’t even willing to meet me and see that there is more to me than my exterior, than you’re the trash that Kim is speaking of. You could be missing out on the best relationship of your life. I could rock your world. I could be everything you’ve ever wanted. But because you aren’t willing to see past my lack of washboard abs and swimmers build you are wasting a wonderful opportunity to get to know someone new. You are probably not afraid to try new food, or new music, or new movies, so why not give a different type of man a try ? Hell I could be hung like a horse for all you know and the best in bed you’ve ever had. But you’ll never know. Causer you decided to be a shallow prick.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      “I’m a slightly overweight white male….” So was I at one point, but gosh, it never occurred to me to give up on dating entirely. That seems rather drastic. Wouldn’t it be easier to go to the gym and walk a lot? :-)

    • Bromancer7

      Well you have 2 options. Hit the gym, bulk up, and lose some weight to expand your attractiveness to other men, or accept your lot in life and find other chunky guys just like you who don’t care if you’re overweight because they are too.

      Oh, but wait, if all the dating profiles you’re seeing say “no fats” you’re likely looking at fit, buff, muscular guys. So even you don’t want to date guys that look like you. Now there’s some deep-seated therapy sh*t going on there.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      Actually there’s a 3rd option: chubby chasers! Seriously, they are out there.

    • yrab8691

      Attraction is attraction – you should want to have SEX with someone! And therefore its hard to see past appearance! sex isn’t everything but it is Something – surely you’d want to get with someone who wants to sleep with you – and you wouldn’t be happy if someone says ‘hey your great can we be together – but I don’t want to have sex with you because I’m not into you’ – that would be shitty! Also you assume guys want a washboard stomach, abs and biceps – but often its a balance, with your case it might mean sliming down to a flat stomach – and that will be enough for most guys! its a meeting half way! its being good enough – not perfect!
      Also there are guys who like large guys or dad bods – and it isn’t always about being fetishised – everyone deserves to be with someone who finds them hot!
      Unfortunately attraction matters! sex matters! for some people maybe it doesn’t! and those are the ones to go after – don’t try trying to change other guys attractions!

  • Heywood Jablowme

    Peter Kim is about the millionth gay observer to conflate the worst aspects of Grindr with the gay male community in general. This is essentially libelous to gays in general.

    If Grindr upsets you, don’t use it. Try a more serious, real dating site. And even the sleaziest bar sounds more serious than Grindr does.

    It sounds like shallowness is part of its “appeal,” such as it is. I wouldn’t expect 6th graders to be able to do a Ph.D. thesis. Similarly, it’s not terribly surprising that a lot of Grindr types are shallow (at least now, when they’re young) and not particularly interested in deeper relationships (at least yet).

    It’s an odd and quixotic crusade to try to stamp out racism on Grindr by complaining about it endlessly on Queerty. That’s kind of like trying to put out a fire in one house by pouring water on the house three doors away.

  • ppp111

    Oh God not again. Honestly, I’m sick of Asian men complaining about how white guys don’t find Asian men attractive. Can we just give this all a rest? You can’t force someone to find somebody attractive. The reality is in the gay community, white and light-skinned latino men tend to garner more attention than other men. I’ll be the first to admit that I find white and latino men more attractive. Sorry, just my thoughts.

    • JerseyMike

      In your gayborhood they do.. In mine they might make the cut but note the top 3..

    • Kangol

      Corrected this: “in the WHITE gay MALE community, white and light-skinned latino men”….

    • ppp111

      Kangol, I’m inclined to agree with you but I can tell you that in gay male Asian circles, white guys are still the desired commodity.

  • davidkohl

    @Heywood Jablowme
    To correct you sir – I have many times attempted to address the racist views of my house mate, always to no avail. A racist is a racist and rarely changes. You cannot argue logically with someone who holds irrational beliefs like racism. Much like it is difficult for many people on here to admit they are racist. And yes it is an American thing and always been – or at least for 250 years. 61 million of you voted for an out and out racist – shocking.
    I personally have never even seen this Grindr and have no interest in closing it down. What does it take to make you people understand what is being said here? The person called NITEJONBOY explained it very clearly. He, and others, are asking for a chance to be considered as potential partners and not just rejected for absurd racist or fattist or similar reasons. That’s the message I get. But judging from the torrent of racism even on here I doubt that the message will ever get through. You people deserve the odious man in the White House.

    • whatsaywhat

      Stereotyping Americans as all being racist is sort of the pot calling the kettle black, no? You’re making a sweeping generalization about 350 million people. Check yourself.

      I lived in London for years and casual racism is even more blatant there than in the States. The Brits are more likely to approach the subject of race openly and with their typical no-apologies sense of humor, rather than with hushed voices and hand-wringing and self-flagellation of Americans because “Race” is not a national obsession as it is in the US.

      Also, Brexit was driven by a strong current of Xenophobia, racism and fears of mass immigration – so there is really no high horse for you and the British to ride around on as far as this topic is concerned. Please spare us all the lecture.

      Finally if you have ever been to Hong Kong or Tokyo, you will know many Asian men have no problem saying they are not interested in gwai lo or gaijin…. Are they “trash” too? Or should we all be sensitive and accepting because they’re Asian. Seriously. There are more important things to get worked up about than this.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      “potential partners” – You keep confusing or conflating Grindr with real dating sites and even bars. Many have pointed out your confusion and you keep ignoring it. You even bragged about open-minded YOU are at bars. That’s great, we’re all so proud of you, but that’s an entirely different situation. I’m relieved to find out you’re personally unfamiliar with Grindr (as am I, but at least I realize that it’s not a real dating site!). Maybe after people inform you several million times that Grindr is not a serious dating site, maybe it’ll get through to you that it’s not a serious dating site. Shallowness is not exactly the same thing as racism.

      I see interracial couples all the time in NYC and other big cities. Peter Kim managed to find a boyfriend, and I’m guessing he didn’t find him on Grindr, so despite the supposed overwhelming racism on Grindr and the like (which I’ve still never seen any statistics on, despite this being a Queerty obsession at least WEEKLY) he did find a bf. I think his calling the Grindr “no Asian” types “trash” is fine; I’d avoid them too. And Grindr is not the gay world.

    • zxcv

      I suggst you break your lease and move elsewhere. It would be better if your racist roomate got saddled wih that lease.

    • zxcv

      Sorry for the typo. Computer types really slowly

  • Xzamilloh

    The real question is, why are so many minority LGBT folks so damn hung up on being loved by white dudes? Caucasian desire ain’t the litmus test for your self-worth as a gay man.

    • Kangol

      White supremacy! None of us live in a vacuum, and only some of us develop tools to resist the powerful structures and systems we’re raised in, that we internalize. What always me is why do people like this guy, who rightly decries racism, run right into the arms of white dude? Is he interested in other Asian American guys? Latinxs? Black men? Anyone who isn’t white like his “Swedish” (American) boyfriend? At least own up to the fact that he’s in thrall to whiteness even as he’s critiquing its power. But also, Queerty has presented this same guy before. Mix it up, Queerty, come on!

    • Xzamilloh

      That’s one of my issues with “arguments” like this guy’s for the very reason you started: because when I see other people of color arguing about racism and white supremacy, they are the main ones hung up on white people and being with them. I stopped counting how many of these “pro-blacks” have white spouses/partners, and meanwhile, my black ass who gets called sellout, Uncle Tom, c00n, and the like has NEVER been with a white guy. Again, not that I wouldn’t, I just haven’t because I personally prefer the rainbow of color that is the black skin. At the same time, though, you’re right… I feel like if white people have to be held to this standard and explain their preferences, we should be held to the same standard. Ask this guy if he’s into the racial backgrounds you mentioned, and if he isn’t, he needs to explain why.

    • hejiranyc

      As an Asian American, I can tell you honestly that it isn’t necessarily just about “being loved by white dudes” as much as it is about generally overcoming the sense of “otherness” in society and aspiring for the mainstream, which, for what it’s worth, is white. That is why one finds relatively few Asian gays who are exclusively on the look out for black gays, i.e., otherness seeking other otherness. To be real, Asians are secondhand citizens in American society despite what all of the demographic numbers will tell you. Asian women have a significant advantage in the sense that they are considered to be sexually desired, fetishized even, by American society as a whole. You are many times more likely to see an Asian woman on television, modeling in fashion magazines, acting in movies, etc. than an Asian man. The poor, dehumanized, desexualized, neutered Asian male, especially the gay Asian male, is generally depicted as the fey, unattractive, weak, asexual, socially awkward creep or a completely over-the-top compendium of mincing gay stereotypes. Literally at the bottom of every metric of desirability in society at large. Accordingly, It really should come as no surprise at all that Asian gays aspire to get out of this ghetto of perception. For all of Peter Kim’s bluster about gay Asian guys being so resilient to white society’s bullsh**, the sad truth is that we have all been beaten down by society (to various degrees) and are unnerved at the prospect of being rejected, which is a very, very real thing.

    • zxcv

      Xzmilloh +100

  • Herman75

    Trash gay? There are trash gay men? I’m shocked to hear that.

  • hejiranyc

    Typical. The Asian dude railing against white dudes for not connecting with Asian dudes who, himself bows down at the altar of the Big White D. Do as I say, not as I do, am I right? WHITE trash gay, meet ASIAN trash gay.

  • Nevada_Summer

    Hi please don’t be hostile to each other. It is a fact that mostly if not all asian gay guys want, like, need white guy in their lives. It is the love for beauty. Do not judge people by what they like. Just accept people for who they are and if they don’t like you, it’s okay, he’s not the only man in the world. You like what you like and who likes you likes you. Those who don’t, may never like you so there’s no use bashing and hating each other for it. It’s just the competition that is probably stressing you. White people don’t make a lot of babies so there is a big demand. :D In the name of love and all who believe in love, I ask you all to make peace with each other. many races under one umbrella LGBTQ that’s what make the rainbow beautiful.

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