How could life possibly get better following the Year of Miley Cyrus?
2013 introduced some crazy new trends. From twerking to jerking, triumphs and setbacks marked each day in history as one of the best. We saw progress at home, violence abroad (and sometimes violence at home and progress abroad), shirtless selfies, new celebrity couples, old celebrity hags, too many new albums to count and not enough straight dudes kissing.
It’s good to look back, but it’s m0re fun to look forward. What will 2014 give us that 2013 couldn’t? (The sound of the fox, perhaps?)
Here’s what we think will be so hot (and so over) in the coming year:
All eyes will be on Brazil next year as the 2014 FIFA World Cup draws thousands of spectators and exotic men in bikini to the Amazonian city of Manaus. Count on hundreds of new photos of footballers being unintentionally homoerotic and even more photos of the first LGBT couples married in the country’s capital—Brazil is expected to become the largest South American country to legalize same-sex marriage next year.
Russia, on the other hand, will continue to strip LGBTs of civil rights and ban those who promote tolerance. If anything good can come out of this hell hole next year, it’ll be the groundbreaking coverage of a volatile political atmosphere that sparks a revolution.
HOT: Men in drag
NOT: Men in denial
Stick a pipe in it, America! Men in drag will be infiltrating pop culture in record numbers next year, and no amount of Twitter shade is going to stop it. 2014 will be the year Neil Patrick Harris makes his drag debut, RuPaul’s Drag Race will air its greatest season yet, and the bug inspiring straight men to wear wigs will become more contagious.
To balance the excess of men in touch with their feminine side, men out of touch with reality will become yesteryear’s news. Men who deny their sexuality are so over, and their careers will soon follow suit.
HOT: Secret no-hype album releases
NOT: Exhausting album release schedules
Beyonce changed the game in a massive way this year, dominating a fourth quarter filled with album releases by secretly dropping her fifth studio album (complete with 14 songs and 18 new videos) in the middle of the night without telling anyone.
Lady Gaga waged war against Katy Perry with a desperate last-minute album release and infuriated the Billboard charts with some super shady tactics. Artpop became Artflop, Prism faded, (Did you even know One Direction came out with an album?) and Britney Jean just needed. to. stop. In 2014, let’s pause the hype and play the hits.
HOT: Musicals on stage
NOT: Musicals on television
If there’s one thing to be learned from Carrie Underwood’s much-hyped role in NBC’s first-ever live musical production of The Sound of Music, it’s that Audra McDonald should play every character in every new musical the network is already planning to produce next year.
Gotta love the big networks trying to force Broadway onto America, but sometimes, things like this are better seen live. 2014 will be a big year for Broadway, which boasts a new lineup of bona fide Broadway babes, Neil Patrick Harris in a wig, the revivals of Cabaret and Les Miserables, a brand new Disney classic, and Leighton Meester in the arms of Mr. Franco.
The feminist movement found a powerful voice in Lorde, the 16-year-old Kiwi pop star that shamed everyone from Miley Cyrus to Selena Gomez for setting women back this year. Couple her antics with Beyonce’s Feminist Manifesto, and we’d say it was a great year for the ladies.
Seriously, everyone. It’s time to get over the age difference between Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black. You’ll happily watch intergenerational porn but clutch your pearls at intergenerational relationships? Theirs is not the first, and it certainly won’t be the last. Let’s all grow up.
HOT: Gay sex on TV
NOT: Straight sex on TV
Behold, the year of Gay Sex on Television! With the world rooting for a Modern Family hookup and more gratuitous nudity on Teen Wolf, gay sex on TV and in movies is getting more realistic than ever. HBO will start the year off strong with some “very beautiful, very emotional” time with out actor Jonathan Groff in Looking.
Sorry the whole “sex on TV” thing didn’t work out for you straights. You should have known people wouldn’t tune in for something so gross.
HOT: Hot guys on Vine
NOT: Racial stereotypes on Vine
Twitter’s six-second video sharing network quickly became the MVP of the app game shortly after guys with hot bodies became users. 2013 introduced us to John Mangum, Marcus Johns, Dem White Boyz and straight dudes humping rugs. Bless.
The most annoying Vines made in 2013 usually began with something like “Asians be like…”, “Black girls be like…“, or the ever-popular “When a white girl…” These actually weren’t funny at all in 2013, and they’ll be even more offensive in 2014.
HOT: Ja’mie King
NOT: The Queen’s portfolio
Mean girls made a comeback this year with Aussie comedian Chris Lilley’s third contract with HBO, pulling the hilarious Ja’mie King out of Summer Heights High and into her own primetime slot with Ja’mie: Private School Girl. All hail the queen of quiche.
Though the United Kingdom has lost a considerable amount of land through a century of decolonization, the old empire’s wretched grip on homophobia still remains. Of more than 21 territories once ruled by the United Kingdom, only three have decriminalized sodomy, and 2014 promises to be a tough year for marriage equality abroad as Australia and India regress.
HOT: Straight guys making out
NOT: Straight guys “wishing” they were gay
Our evil plan is working! Homosexuality was successfully contracted by a number of heterosexual celebrities in 2013, including noted heterosexual James Franco, GQ Germany, Andrew Garfield and even Harry Styles!
HOT: Celebrity selfies
NOT: Celebrities twerking
Here’s to more shirtless celebrity selfies in 2014! This year introduced us the beautiful bodies of Nick Jonas, Robbie Rogers and Tom Daley, as well as some NSFW selfies from Cheyenne Jackson, Josh Hutcherson and George Burgess.
When it comes to twerking, everybody (except Dustin Zito) just needs to stop.