Gay men name their red flags in the dating world that are dealbreakers

Being uncommunicative? Hard pass. Exhibiting internalized homophobia? Kindly step to the side. Acting disrespectful toward others? That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!

Reddit users listed those turnoffs and many others when one person asked the r/AskGayMen community for red flags in the dating world. (One guy, meanwhile, made a hanky code joke: “Well, I believe the red flag means fisting. And I’m all for it.”)

Below, we’ve rounded up some of the no-nos named on that thread, with responses tidied up for readability.

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Behold the character traits that have gays waving their red flags faster than a Les Miz extra:

“Lack of empathy. Low emotional intelligence. Inability to admit mistakes. Poor communication skills.”

“Hating on ‘femme gays’, accusing them of being attention seekers, etc. Hating on ‘masc gays’, accusing them of having ‘internalized homophobia’, etc. Both of those can be true sometimes, but the generalization is a red flag.”

“They can’t be platonic friends with other gay men.”

“I have another one: They forbid you to be friends with other gay men. But I guess it boils down to them being extremely jealous.”

“An obsession with an aesthetic of a relationship rather than finding out if we’re compatible. Example: masc4masc or fem equals bottom or ‘woman in the relationship.’”

“When they want to be seen as ‘one of the good ones’ for straight people.”

Related:

This guy’s laundry list of “dating-nots” is going viral because the internalized homophobia is *real*

This guy’s laundry list of complaints about the gay community on Hinge proves that internalized homophobia is alive and real. :-/

“Extra focus on superficial things (parties, income, status) with minimal to no interest in growth, real life, community outside of the queer spaces. If all their friends look the same. If they exhibit any forms of shame (body, hair, age, sex, etc.). They lift themselves up by dragging others down. Drama follows them or they’re messy. Transphobia or bi-erasure.”

“Being a total top or total bottom.”

“Someone who always insult or disrespect others.”

“Flakiness. Non-commitment. Unaccountability.”

“Being demanding or having unrealistic expectations, e.g. golddigger vibes (especially when the relationship is new). If you’re asking for stuff right off the bat or demanding gifts or dinners at all these fancy places, you ain’t securing that bag with me, baby. Sorry to pooh-pooh on your parade.”

“The ones that go above and beyond to prove they’re ‘not like other gays.’ Basically trying hardcore to fit into a cishet society without having any stereotypically gay mannerisms, styles, etc. Like, dude, it’s fine if you genuinely don’t want to do/be those things, but dragging others down because of it is gross.

“Oh, and gay dudes that don’t support gay marriage. It’s cool if you’re not personally wanting to do it, but it’s not your place to try to determine if others can. … Gay men who hate on trans gay men like we’re going to ‘trick them’ into being with us. It’s not common at all for trans people to not reveal their trans status before they hit the bedroom because it’s a safety issue, to be honest. But people love to cite the rare times it does happen as a way to hate on everyone… I’m so tired of the monolith mindset.”

“Republican.”

“Lack of kindness. Everything else follows from there, mostly.”

Related:

Horny gays recall the dumb things they did just because a guy was hot

“Pretended to be a bottom.”