Hi Jake,
34-year-old bachelor here. I love the single life. I’ve tried relationships in the past and I’m not good at them. I’m much better at being someone’s FWB than their BF. I’m sex positive, on PrEP, and love letting my freak flag fly. That said, here’s my dilemma: The guy I’ve been meeting up with for the past three months recently texted to say he tested positive for gonorrhea. I was lucky and didn’t catch it from him. (Two STD tests have confirmed this.) We’re not exclusive, so I wasn’t upset that he slept with someone else. In fact, more power to him! But last week he sent me a late night “WYD?” text and I didn’t respond. A few days later, he texted to ask if I was mad at him. I’m not mad, but after the gonorrhea thing I’m just not really feeling it with him anymore. I don’t want him to think I’m being judgmental, because I’m not. STIs are part of the single life and I get that. But something about a gonorrhea exposure killed the vibe for me and I don’t think I want to hook up with him again even though we have awesome chemistry in bed. Does that make me a bad FWB?
Sincerely,
STR (Sexually Transmitting Rejection)
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Dear STR (Sexually Transmitting Rejection),
I want to applaud you for knowing who you are and what you want. There’s no shame at all around being single and enjoying sex with multiple partners, especially when it sounds like you are being responsible (yay, PREP!). There are also no rules around having to be in a monogamous relationship in your 30s, or at any age. That said, I’d ask you to think about whether you just don’t want a relationship, or if you think you’re just “not good at them”, as you state. If you simply don’t want to be attached to someone, more power to you. But if you’re holding back because you feel you are deficient in some way, you may want to talk to a therapist about that.
Now, on to your question… Even if you’re living your best life sexually, you still want to put yourself and your health first. It’s normal for your self-preservation mechanism to kick in when someone tells you they have an STI, and for you to want to avoid a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. As a therapist, I encourage everyone to pay attention to their emotional responses. Feelings are there to tell us something. In this case, your feelings of avoidance may be telling you it’s just not something you’re comfortable continuing. It’s not about judgment, it’s about your personal health and safety.
The downside to this, of course, is that you may lose out on what was otherwise a great sexual partner. I wonder if you’d feel more comfortable continuing a sexual relationship if you knew he had a clean bill of health before your next encounter? I think it’s perfectly fair, given the recent news, to say you’d prefer he show you recent negative test results for STIs before you hook up again. There’s also the possibility of suggesting the use of condoms, which are an extra layer of protection against STIs, in addition to your PREP for HIV prevention.
If neither sharing test results or using condoms would make a difference for you, I wonder what else might be going on? Perhaps, although you say you don’t judge him, you might be placing unfair generalizations onto him that you aren’t fully aware of, such as unconsciously viewing him as “dirty”, even though gonorrhea can happen to anyone? It may help to explore with an understanding and sex-positive LGBTQ therapist, to see if there might be some unconscious slut shaming going on. You could also talk to a friend, or join a community of other gay men, to hear what their thoughts might be (just watch out for trolls!).
Regardless, I would encourage you to communicate with your buddy. Ghosting him may cause unnecessary confusion and hurt. Feelings change in relationships, and you owe it to him to express that. How much you share about why you’re pumping the breaks is up to you, as long as you share something.
In a world where PREP can sometimes feel like a free pass, STIs are still a real thing! And flying your “freak flag” doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings. It’s most important to take care of yourself first, and avoid risk when you can. Feelings are allowed to change, but I encourage you to examine your own internal biases with a professional and to practice clear communication.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician. And don’t forget to join the LGBTQ Therapy Space community, and ask Jake a question!
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Chrisk
I’ll bet he’s on prEP because he hates condoms and is sexually active with many different partners. Hardly a place to feel the way he does.
RenoColt
The only thing unsaid in this article is what a great guy the FWB was to let you know he had tested positive. That would give me the kind of trust that he has my best interests at heart. Yes, yes, get in touch with your feeling and feel all your feels, but maybe get outside yourself and recognize it took courage and compassion for that guy to let you know he’d gotten an STI. He sounds like a keeper.
Inspector 57
Yup!
Thanks!
barryaksarben
wow. back in the 70s before AIDS an STIs were considered no big deal but you had to tell all the people you had sex with and get treatment. You respected anyone who was good enough to tell you. BUt tie change but he didnt have to tell you at all
winemaker
Let me see if I ‘ve got this right. Here’s mr. single, not into relationships per say and hooking up with other strange men and he’s gotten word that one of his ‘hookup’ had clap yet he dodged a bullet by not getting it and now he’s not ‘into this guy anymore’. Here’s another example of the disrespect, superficiality and shallowness that seems endemic in the gay community that just keeps going on and on like the Energizer Bunny. If this guy’s so paranoid of getting something from one of the strange men he’s ‘hooked up with’ and then ditching his ‘hookup’ after having heard he had an STI, he needs to do the following: keep his dick in his pants and stop hooking up with random guys he meets on whatever app he’s using, plain and simple and realize this is one of the risks of ‘hooking up’. Luckily for him it wasn’t something worse. If he’s so shallow that once the guy has something unacceptable, he’s ‘no longer into them’ and basically ghosts them, he’s just another POS., As far as the guy with clap, (which can be treated and cured) he dodged a bullet when his shallow, superficial and disrespectful ‘hookup’ just disappeared. STI’s are sadly a part of ‘hooking up’ with strange men and the sooner this guy realizes this, he’ll be better off. BTW: guy sounds like a real prize, NOT!
Cam
Let me see if I got this right.
One of the right wing troll’s multiple screenames is using a single person to again try to turn this post into an attack on the entire gay community because that’s what it’s job is.
It’s weird, it’s like, you think you’re being subtle and clever, but are the most obvious thing out there.
curiobi
This guy comes across as a collosal bag of douche. If you take away the benefits part they are still supposed to be friends, and this is not friendship!
He told him his test results, all he had to do was say he wanted him to show clear test results first before any further hook up and be ready to show his own clear results in exchange, AND make sure he knew he appreciated him telling him.
Even if he is so superficial he went off him for essentially being truthful, he still could have treated him decently. Ignoring his texts and making him worry that he was angry with him was a d ick move. The other guy is better of without him in his life because clearly he is not any kind of friend, benefits or otherwise
Cam
The guy told him which means he is a trustworthy guy. His reaction seems possibly more about his own internalized fear that he dodged a bullet.
So rather than playing more safely or admitting what he is doing is risking things like Syphilis, he is convincing himself that not sleeping with this guy will take care of it.
Bromancer7
Ask yourself, would I want someone to ghost me after I was kind enough to let them know I tested positive for an STD? If the answer is no, then don’t do it someone else.
And yes, I’ve had it happen to me (one time by the guy that gave it to me no less), and no, I have never done it to anyone.
canadiankid
I wonder how this guy would feel about himself when he catches an STI? Will he expect other people to not care? Sounds like it’s only a matter of time before that happens. The fact that this guy wanted to tell him upfront shows he’s a good honest guy.
Inspector 57
From Jake: “I think it’s perfectly fair, given the recent news, to say you’d prefer he show you recent negative test results for STIs before you hook up again.”
Bad advice. There’s no reason to trust that this guy (or any guy) didn’t acquire an STI between the time he gave a lab sample and the next time he hooked up with the letter-writing partner. He could’ve boinked his brains out as soon as he left the clinic.