Hi Jake,
I’m embarrassed writing this letter, but since it’s anonymous, here goes…
I’m an older gay man, and being in your late 60s in “the gay world” is basically being invisible, especially when you’re attracted to young, hot “masc” types in their 30s and 40s. What ends up happening is that I spend a lot of my time in fantasy. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps me going. But lately I’ve been wondering if I’m taking it too far.
When I am told that a repairman, plumber, or even delivery person is going to be showing up to my apartment at a certain time, I immediately go into a daydream that maybe this hot, young strapping lad is going to want to have his way with me. I’ve heard of crazier things, and it certainly happens in the adult movies I watch. So I’ve taken it so far as to actually… prepare, if you know what I mean. Just in case. If my fantasy were to come true, I need to be ready, right?
Needless to say, my ideal scenario has never even come close to happening in real life. In fact, usually the ripped, bisexual stud I was expecting looks more like The Whale when they show up at the door. I know it’s a total delusion, but I can’t stop myself from giving up the fantasy. Do I need serious help?
Sincerely,
Pipes Clogged
Dear Pipes Clogged,
Fantasy is a very powerful thing, and sometimes we can use it as a coping strategy when our current reality makes us feel sad, down, or hopeless. In your case, indulging in this fantasy is not hurting anyone, since you aren’t actually crossing any inappropriate boundaries with the UPS man. It also doesn’t seem like it’s causing you any harm, assuming your backside is not gasping for air amidst a constant deluge!
There’s some part of you that knows this is all delusion, and that Ronen Rubinstein showing up at the front door with a tool-belt is an unlikely possibility. That said, you’re choosing to do it anyway because it makes you feel good, and serves as a temporary relief. There’s nothing psychotic or truly deranged going on here, so no, I don’t think you need serious help.
We all choose our escapes, whether it be watching reality TV, drinking a beer, or hunting constantly on hookup apps. In this case, instead of turning on the porn, you’re creating the fantasy the old fashioned way, in your head. The question I have is whether or not you feel a great sense of disappointment after you realize that the reality was nothing like the Falcon video you had hoped for? If not, then it doesn’t seem there are too many negative consequences for your actions, despite some self-flagellation going on in your head (which I would encourage you to let go of).
While it’s true that gay culture is often youth-obsessed, it doesn’t mean that older guys can’t have really fulfilling sex lives, so I would also encourage you to not give up completely on reality, either. While adult-movie scenes don’t often happen in real life, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t find the sexual partner of your dreams some other way, as long as you keep making yourself available and vulnerable.
I would also make sure to keep working on creating connection and meaning in your life, through friends, family, etc., so that you can feel okay in your current reality as much as possible. Sure, it’s inevitable that we’ll want to escape sometimes, but fostering a daily sense of fulfillment or gratitude is an essential quest.
Lastly, I wonder if you’re holding yourself to a very high standard when it comes to being “clean” and “ready” for sex. After all, if the plumber comes by, and wants to clean some additional pipes, shouldn’t he be lucky to do that, whether you’re completely “ready” or not? Make sure you’re not holding yourself to a standard of perfection, or overly trying to avoid rejection, due to a self-worth issue.
The hot repairman is a trope that goes back to the dawn of civili-gay-tion, and I suppose if you are living somewhere like The Castro or West Hollywood, it’s not completely out of the question. After all, somebody has to win the Powerball jackpot, too, right? I’d just be careful not to put all your hopes and dreams on that one lottery ticket.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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GlobeTrotter
I used to have the same fantasies growing up. Back then in college when I got my first off-campus apartment, I would also make sure I was ready whenever the repairman/maintenance guy, etc. came over. One day the cable guy came over and on that particular day my hormones went into overdrive. I was so horny, I thought I would just explode. The cable guy came over, a really good-looking guy if I remember, and I kept hovering around him, trying to duplicate those scenes I must have seen a thousand times in pornos. I even laid down on my bed, just to give him a glimpse whenever he past my bedroom door. Most disappointedly nothing happened. Damn!
HOWEVER, this straight friend of mine from Nigeria, tall, dark and extremely attractive is a UPS delivery guy. He told me one night at a bar that bored housewives come on to him all the time and that sometimes he’ll go inside for a quickie. I thought he was lying until he showed me the text messages they sent him on his mobile. I couldn’t believe it!!! There were dozens of text messages asking, “when are you coming back my way?”, or “I just ordered something on Amazon so we’ll be seeing each other next week”, along with naked pictures they sent him, etc. He explained that a lot of these housewives are bored out of their minds, their husbands are away on business trips, and so whenever he rings the doorbell, they sometimes answer in lingerie or morning gown. The typical conversation goes like this, “ahm, my sink just got clogged up and I can’t seem to unclog it – would you mind taking a look to see if there’s anything you can do?” And right away, he knows this is his “invitation” to come in. Like I said, I would have never believed it had I not seen the text messages on his mobile.
smittoons
Pipes should take a long trip to Southeast Asia. The number of gay couples I see there with a 20+ age difference…
Jim
My nephew-in-law was an AC man and was hot (laugh here).
Not sure how much he played
frapachino
In todays world this is considered “sexual harassment” per the rules made up by the radical me too people.
Matt in SD
Yes, so awful that people don’t want to put up with unwanted sexual advances at work. How unreasonable! How radical! And the me too people know what they’re talking about because they’ve been sexually assaulted. I’m one of them. Really, it sounds like you just outed yourself as a sexual harasser. Maybe even worse.
Fname Optional Lname
Men seem to engage in these delusions frequently. Hearing anyone complain about the “me too” movement is shocking but until you’ve been preyed upon and can understand the trauma that brings on your ego can run wild and contribute to the delusion part of your fantasy. Sorry but if you’re mindset includes you giving yourself permission to make unwanted advances you might want to ask a close female friend or family member what is wrong with that mentality. Any advance without consent is unwanted and gross.
dbmcvey
Depending on how he is “prepared” it might be harassment. How is it radical?
Fahd
Does Jake ever recommend that a correspondent procure the services of a sex worker?
still_onthemark
A sex worker is probably a lot cheaper than a plumber. (I’m guessing.)
trell
It is a bit sad that the writer starts off by feeling invisible to the community at large. Surely there has to be some social space where he can actually meet people where age isn’t a factor and where he can make connections and form friendships?
As for the fantasy itself, let’s assume that he calls a plumber, the guy turns up and he is very hot. Then what? The adult movies usually involve some double entendres, “passing a wrench” or straight out boning. – The reality is likely that any advances will either be rejected at best, or be sexual assault at worst. – If a professional comes to your home to fix something, having someone hover over them while they letch out will probably make them feel uncomfortable. They’re there to do a job, and being objectified is one way of sending them packing with a half-assed job done.
But if the writer of the letter still wants to make himself presentable and ready for any eventuality, then he should do it for himself, to make himself feel good, not to prepare for someone else who probably won’t notice
Doug
I agree, this fantasy seems to come strictly from porn. I know several guys who have told me maintenance guys were coming to their houses or apartments and their imaginations have run wild over what might happen. They’ve always ended up sorely disappointed, lol…
dbmcvey
This could verge on sexual harassment. Knock it off. Fantasize all you want, in private.
Skywriter2024
I worked with Ronen a few times but unfortunately it didn’t go anywhere.
KellyRobinsonJr
I can relate to this man’s fantasy. During my raging teenage years, I was naive, young, dumb, and full of cum. I developed a crush on the daddy who was our mailman. I can vividly recall lounging on the living room couch leaving the front door ajar. I lay there with a wide stance, and I would wear short gyms that exposed my bits on the side. Pretending to be asleep, I would adjust my morning wood when he came on the front porch, all in the hopes that he might take a peek through the door and notice me. I can’t say for certain whether he ever noticed me, but like Mr. Pipes Clogged, I was certainly prepared for the possibility.
DrJohn
Back in the day, I’d suggest on the phone lines some role-playing scenarios in which the ‘delivery guy’ stopped in to give me some documents from my office. We both knew what was gonna go down (heh) but once the guy arrived, it was like exciting impromptu play acting for us to arrive at the same point. Once a genuine FedEx guy showed and when he was leaving he turned around and said ‘Successful delivery.’ Hot times.
Morandi
The reality does not live up to the fantasy. When in my thirties a repairman came to my apartment to do some work. He liked what he saw. I didn’t. I spent a lot of time fending him off. I can’t recall what finally got him to leave.
active bitch face
I was 16 or 17 in the mid-2000’s and there was a fire nextdoor, so I went out to take photos, wearing normal clothes. One of the firefighters kept eyeing me, and since he was like 6’3 or 6’4 I was eyeing him back. He eventually came up as I was lingering on my porch and asked for a copy of the photos, so we exchanged numbers. We had a months long tryst, it was great.
dbmcvey
That’s what we want. Distracted first responders.
blooeyz9000
I’m 60 and until about three years ago I only slept with guys in their 20s. Then I decided to give guys who weren’t my traditional hook up a try and I’m so glad I did.
Older men, chubby men all different types and I kick myself in the ass for being so stupid because I’ve met someone and have been in a happy healthy relationship for nearly a year.
When you’re approaching 70, your options are limited. I’d strongly suggest that you expand your fantasy to other types of men. You might not be so lonely if you do. Don’t forget Rentmen. It’s only $300-$500 an hour plus tip for a porn star and you can’t take it with you. Good luck
Openminded
So Mr. “Late 60″s” can’t understand why nobody wants to play with older people, but he quickly dismisses those who are “whales”. I’m betting this guy has spent a fortune on having things around the house fixed that were never broken.
Leo
Pipes clogged,
Perhaps you should move to Mexico. Where I live, your fantasy is not uncommon and often fulfilled.
winemaker
Wow, since when is over 40 years old invisible? It never ceases to amaze me how rude and nasty gay men can be to those over a certain age. These dolts if they’re lucky and take care of themselves, might get there some day and right now can learn a thing or two like, being respectful and polite, even if somebody isn’t your type, yet polite and he hits on you. How many of us have been rudely rejected ( by what turned out to be an asswipe) after getting up the courage to approach some guy and then was rudely treated and given attitude Lots of us can relate to this issue. And since when is being nasty to somebody who is friendly and polite to you and who finds you attractive yet you’re not attracted to them for whatever reason, acceptable? Treat others as you’d like to be treated. Too many gay men are this way, at least here in San Francisco where you’re supposed to accept this as a part of gay life and the way it is. No thanks bud.
FreddieW
That’s funny. Here in the South where HVAC companies, plumbers, and electricians all advertise their Christianity and print Bible verses on their invoices, I take down paintings in my bedroom, stuff DVD’s in drawers, and turn my Tom of Finland books backwards in the shelves or stow them under the bed before repairmen arrive. I want my stuff fixed, not sabotaged.
bachy
I’m a white collar professional, and I suspect part of the allure of blue collar professionals is how seldom we get to interact with them. Here in LA, they are ALL at least good-looking. If a painter or electrician or plumber or carpet cleaner is coming to my apartment, I do my best to be respectful and friendly in the hopes of getting both good service and the chance to get to know the type of male who is not part of my typical milieu. They frequently seem grateful not to have to deal with a tense, critical, adversarial client.
Once a relaxed, convivial atmosphere is established, it is easier for them to subtly signal sexual availability if they are horny and interested. If not, at the very least I enjoyed a friendly chat with an appealing male.