Hi Jake,
I‘m a professor in my mid 40s at a pretty well-known university. In addition to teaching classes, I’m currently mentoring three PhD candidates in developing their research skills and completing their postdocs.
Sounds professional, right? I try to be… which is why I was freaking out when I saw one of my candidates at a very frisky men’s spa that I frequent in L.A.
Trust me, I’ve always had reservations about being out in public in this type of setting, especially since it’s basically become a modern day bathhouse. Guys are wearing nothing but a small white towel, and many times even those are fallen by the wayside when they are in the steam room or saunas. Not only that, but there’s TONS of action, and no one even tries to hide it!
That said, professors have needs too, and I had never seen anyone I knew before… until now.
As I was walking towards the hot tub last weekend, low and behold one of my PhD candidates is coming back from that area and walks right by me, locking eyes along the way. I felt immediately exposed and embarrassed (and worried he would tell other students), so I left the spa. I can’t even imagine what he might be feeling.
I really don’t know what to do or say. It’s not like he can judge me for being there, since he was there too? He was obviously there to get his needs met as well. Is it better to not say anything and pretend like nothing happened? Or should I casually bring up our run-in and assure his confidentiality, so that we can move past it?
Panicked Professor
Dear Panicked Professor,
Students seeing their teachers (and vice versa) in a sensual light is not a new phenomenon (see this and this), but that doesn’t mean sharing a sauna should be anywhere near the syllabus.
Whenever you’re in a position of authority in the community, it’s always a risk when you put yourself in a situation where a more “personal side” of your life might be revealed. It’s a small world after all, and you never know who’s going to turn up where.
At the same time, as professionals, we deal with calculated risks all the time, and we have to balance being a person who embodies authority and garners respect with also being a real-life human being. You’re not doing anything wrong by going to a spa, and you’re allowed to have a healthy (and hopefully safe) sex life, too.
I actually think you did the right thing by leaving right after you saw your PhD candidate. As the person with more power in the relationship, you have to be the one to step up and do what you can to ensure boundaries aren’t crossed more than they already are.
Part of what makes certain mentor/mentee relationships effective is that they are very contained, and you don’t have to worry about lines being crossed, allowing them to feel safe and secure.
Just like with therapists, lawyers, and doctors who may run into a patient in the wild, there’s always a chance you can run into one of your students, and we do our best to set up parameters to ensure the relationships can remain as confidential and protected as we can. As your situation shows, that’s not always easy, but you can move forward from a messy situation in the best way you can.
Since going to a frisky spa has probably zero to do with the work you are doing with your candidate, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. If he mentions something, and you get the sense he wants to talk about it, then you can certainly make space for that. However, bringing it up unnecessarily could make him really uncomfortable, and sour the relationship. Plus, you don’t know for certain that he even saw you (sometimes people have other things on their mind in those settings!).
Should you go back again to that particular spa? Maybe not. I’d consider finding an alternative, just to avoid a repeat encounter. If your mentee decides to tell his classmates (which I think is unlikely), remember that as long as you have no shame about your actions, no one else’s opinions should affect you. You weren’t breaking any laws, nor hurting anyone else.
Plus, who’s to say you’re not engaging in “research”? 🙂
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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quantum
“I’m a college professor who saw my “straight” PhD candidate at a men’s spa.”
I’ve read this article three times now. Where is the reference, in the question or answer, to the man being straight?
Regardless, I call BS based on the line “Not only that, but there’s TONS of action, and no one even tries to hide it!” which sounds like how a horny teenager would describe a bathhouse, not an adult who has ever actually been to one.
Editing is supposed to clarify meaning, not change it.
correctio
the bathhouse (technically Korean spa) in question is pretty clearly Century spa in los angeles: in fact, there is a TONS of action, and no one even tries to hide it
also, if you were someone’s PhD advisor, you would have a pretty good sense of what their sexuality was… or at least how they presented to the world
correctio
there is one sus detail about the story, tho: are these students completing their PhDs (= predocs) or are they completing postdocs (= postdocs)? You only do a postdoc after you have become a doctor, i.e., after you get a PhD. If they’re PhD candidates, they can’t be postdocs.
my guess is that it’s supposed to say “competing for their postdocs” instead of “completing their postdocs”
Brian
Agreed, this presentation is weird. The letter never mentions the student’s sexual orientation. Queerty added that detail to make it more salacious.
Sounds like two gay or bisexual men both went to the same sex club outside of work, outside of school. That’s nothing. This never needed to be a letter, and the professor should just move on with his life. There’s no there, there.
correctio
once abfab is done sleeping off his wine hangover, we can ask him: pretty sure he works for qu 3 3 r ty and writes half these articles
Jim
I remember going to a gay club with a co-worker and her husband. I’d been going with just her but this husband decided to go along.
Anyway the three of us were dancing when all of a sudden he tells his wife to dance closer to him because one of his students had just walked in.
I was bemused.
still_onthemark
Depends upon the Ph.D. subject. If it’s in the hard sciences, okay. If it’s sociology or history, maybe the kid is writing ‘Queerness in the Metropolis from the 19th to the 21st century’ which might involve all sorts of intersectionality and fellatio and stuff, and become PROBLEMATIC. (My favorite college word!)
Kangol2
I’d say be professional and say nothing. Broaching the fact that they were both in the bathhouse together to a student you’re advising could get you in trouble these days if the student feels the discussion is inappropriate and sexualizing what should be a professional relationship.
It’s a long way away from the old days, when, especially at certain New York-area/SF-area/LA-area/Chicago-area etc. universities, you might see professors, TAs and other grad students, fellow students, and staff, at the gym, dance clubs, saunas, sex clubs, bathhouses (most of which were closed by the early 90s), and if you hooked up, there was far less brouhaha (not that some pushback wasn’t necessary, especially if students, junior faculty and staff in particular felt pressured).
Stan H
Don’t mention it. Just ignore it. It’s not a big deal. Your thinking to hard over nothing.
correctio
yeah, I strongly disagree with Jake’s advice that he should avoid going back to the spa completely. that’s bad advice
someplace
@correctio He manages to find problems where none exist pretty reliably.
bachy
I once read an essay which divided a person’s life into 3 spheres: the Private Sphere (home), the Public Sphere (community) and the Professional Sphere (office). There is always at least some overlap, but it’s best when the spheres remain distinct. It’s why one shouldn’t wear pajamas (private sphere) to the office (professional sphere) or loudly discuss business deals (professional sphere) on a cellphone at a restaurant (public sphere).
To avoid similar gaffes, sex is best kept in the private sphere (ie, home). It is recommended that one avoid posting nudes on the internet (public sphere) or gaily carouse with one’s towel “fallen by the wayside” at a spa (public sphere).
There is a time and a place for everything!
still_onthemark
I hope whoever wrote that essay expanded it into a Ph.D. dissertation!
BigFloridaBear
If you ain’t interested in sucking his dick it’s none of your business
Diplomat
Let sleeping dogs lie
winemaker
What a predicament. That said since you both saw each other in a less then professional environment you might want to bring this guy into a private room and have a quiet discussion. Grown ups for the most part will take this in stride and pretend it never happened. You never touched each other or had an encounter, you just saw each other, big difference. This is what mature adults do. If this were high school, it would be different as high schoolers are immature and unaware of the ramifications of blabbering something like this. Again, to keep things quiet you might want to have a private discussion with the other party. This reminds me of a gay hollywood actor ( long dead ) that I saw years ago in a long closed West Hollywood bath house, 8709. This bathhouse was on 3rd Street right across from Cedars Sinai Hospital. It’s clientele were mostly young good looking gay men who went after hitting the bars on Santa Monica Blvd who didn’t get lucky. They were very discriminitory of who they let in and you had to be ‘referred’ by a current member. Again, discression is the better part of valor here. The prof did nothing wrong, he’s overthinking something completely innocent. Again there was no physical contact or encounter, they just glanced at each other.
GayEGO
They used to call them steam baths, shhhh, that straight man must be hiding in the closet!