Ask Jake

I’m a straight woman with a bi-curious boyfriend. Should I let him experiment?

Woman in blue shirt hugging man in blue shirt

Hi Jake,

30-something straight female here. My boyfriend and I have been together for about five years now, living together for three. Our relationship is good. Communication is good. Sex is good. There’s just one thing… He recently expressed interest in having a threesome with me and another guy. It caught me by surprise since he’s never mentioned anything about being bisexual before. He says he’s never been with another man, but he’s always been curious. He also says he’s only OK doing it if I’m in the room too. While I’m happy he feels comfortable expressing this with me, I’m not sure how I feel about it. The thought of being with two men at once sounds exciting, but where I get hung up is the thought of watching him perform sex acts on another man. Also, I know this is probably irrational, but what if he decides he likes being with a man better than a woman? How do I get more comfortable with this?

When Harry Met Sally…and Harry

Dear When Harry Met Sally..and Harry,

Shoutout to our straight female readers! I give you credit for being open-minded enough to give this situation with your boyfriend some careful consideration, and not just immediately shut the door on it.

Here’s the thing… Your man is definitely having some feelings or desires that want to be expressed. If you banished any possibility of them, it wouldn’t make them go away. Instead, he might repress those urges, pushing them down really deep, which is never a good thing.

According to, “repression can contribute to emotional distress and mental health symptoms, including reluctance to act on sexual desires, sex-related fear and anxiety, guilt associated with sexual desires, and harsh self-judgment of sexual thoughts.”

If he didn’t push down his desires, he might have instead just cut off communication with you about his attractions, and indulge in them behind your back. Dishonesty or betrayal is never going to lead to a successful relationship.

However, your boyfriend was able to come to you with something extremely vulnerable, and wants to include you in what’s really going on with him. To me, this is true intimacy, as he was able to let you in on something personal in his evolution. He clearly loves and respects you enough to do that, which is awesome!

That said, you have an equal part in this partnership, and you get to decide what feels right for you, or what feels like crossing a line. If you do decide to try something, pay attention to how things feel inside, and notice what comes up.

Do you feel jealousy? Anger? Sadness? Could you maybe be a little turned on? Perhaps, if it’s too uncomfortable for you watching him perform sex acts with another man, you agree to have both men just focus on you. You can decide how far you’re willing to let things go, and always re-evaluate at any time. The most important thing is to have continuous communication about how you are both feeling throughout this exploration.

If seeing him get pleasure with another man brings up uncomfortable feelings, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this. Would you feel the same way if it was another woman? If not, is that simply because of social constructs in society around what men are allowed to do, verses women? By unpacking this, you may be able to work through things.

At the end of the day, if he decides he likes being with a man better than a woman, allowing him to have this experience wouldn’t have stopped that. He would have found his way there eventually. Forbidding a same-sex dalliance would simply be putting up a guard rail that prolongs the inevitable. You can’t control sexual desire.

The goal in a healthy relationship is for both of you to feel satisfied sexually, while also feeling true intimacy, love, and respect with one another. Finding an understanding and open couples therapist might be a safe container to discuss your desires, fears, and boundaries. Who knows, maybe you’ll decide adding another man to the mix could contribute something exciting for both you and your partner. Double the pleasure?

Jake Myers, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, is the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first national platform for online therapy for and by the LGBTQ community, matching clients with quality LGBTQ therapists and providing a secure, easy-to-use platform for sessions. Have a question for Jake? Follow LGBTQ Therapy Space on Instagram and send us a message, or simply stay up to date on LGBTQ mental health tips and trends.

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