Hi Jake,
30-something straight female here. My boyfriend and I have been together for about five years now, living together for three. Our relationship is good. Communication is good. Sex is good. There’s just one thing… He recently expressed interest in having a threesome with me and another guy. It caught me by surprise since he’s never mentioned anything about being bisexual before. He says he’s never been with another man, but he’s always been curious. He also says he’s only OK doing it if I’m in the room too. While I’m happy he feels comfortable expressing this with me, I’m not sure how I feel about it. The thought of being with two men at once sounds exciting, but where I get hung up is the thought of watching him perform sex acts on another man. Also, I know this is probably irrational, but what if he decides he likes being with a man better than a woman? How do I get more comfortable with this?
When Harry Met Sally…and Harry
Dear When Harry Met Sally..and Harry,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Shoutout to our straight female readers! I give you credit for being open-minded enough to give this situation with your boyfriend some careful consideration, and not just immediately shut the door on it.
Here’s the thing… Your man is definitely having some feelings or desires that want to be expressed. If you banished any possibility of them, it wouldn’t make them go away. Instead, he might repress those urges, pushing them down really deep, which is never a good thing.
According to Healthline.com, “repression can contribute to emotional distress and mental health symptoms, including reluctance to act on sexual desires, sex-related fear and anxiety, guilt associated with sexual desires, and harsh self-judgment of sexual thoughts.”
If he didn’t push down his desires, he might have instead just cut off communication with you about his attractions, and indulge in them behind your back. Dishonesty or betrayal is never going to lead to a successful relationship.
However, your boyfriend was able to come to you with something extremely vulnerable, and wants to include you in what’s really going on with him. To me, this is true intimacy, as he was able to let you in on something personal in his evolution. He clearly loves and respects you enough to do that, which is awesome!
That said, you have an equal part in this partnership, and you get to decide what feels right for you, or what feels like crossing a line. If you do decide to try something, pay attention to how things feel inside, and notice what comes up.
Do you feel jealousy? Anger? Sadness? Could you maybe be a little turned on? Perhaps, if it’s too uncomfortable for you watching him perform sex acts with another man, you agree to have both men just focus on you. You can decide how far you’re willing to let things go, and always re-evaluate at any time. The most important thing is to have continuous communication about how you are both feeling throughout this exploration.
If seeing him get pleasure with another man brings up uncomfortable feelings, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this. Would you feel the same way if it was another woman? If not, is that simply because of social constructs in society around what men are allowed to do, verses women? By unpacking this, you may be able to work through things.
At the end of the day, if he decides he likes being with a man better than a woman, allowing him to have this experience wouldn’t have stopped that. He would have found his way there eventually. Forbidding a same-sex dalliance would simply be putting up a guard rail that prolongs the inevitable. You can’t control sexual desire.
The goal in a healthy relationship is for both of you to feel satisfied sexually, while also feeling true intimacy, love, and respect with one another. Finding an understanding and open couples therapist might be a safe container to discuss your desires, fears, and boundaries. Who knows, maybe you’ll decide adding another man to the mix could contribute something exciting for both you and your partner. Double the pleasure?
Jake Myers, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, is the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first national platform for online therapy for and by the LGBTQ community, matching clients with quality LGBTQ therapists and providing a secure, easy-to-use platform for sessions. Have a question for Jake? Follow LGBTQ Therapy Space on Instagram and send us a message, or simply stay up to date on LGBTQ mental health tips and trends.
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ShiningSex
Hahahaha!!!! Bi-curious? What are you teens?
Who’s bi curious in their 30s. You know what you like. Sex has nothing to do with attraction.
If you are attracted to both, you’re bi honey. Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean you’re just bi-curious. It makes it seem it’s all about sex simply and it’s NOT.
If you are not bothered by your man f*cking someone else, fine, but deal with potential consequences. Simple as that. He may leave you or you may get jealous and that’s the end there.
If he is unsure of himself, he should not be in a relationship with anyone until he figures that lame shit out himself.
thisisnotreal
ugh thank you. i’m in my 30s and still a virgin (not discussing why, thats personal) but I’ve never needed to have sex to figure out whether or not i’m actually gay. I’ve known i was gay since before puberty even started and i’ve never needed to have sex to have that clarity in my head. maybe for some people their sexuality actually is very confusing to them, in which case sure pop off and go experiment. but i feel like by the time you are past a certain age it’s no longer a “curiosity” and it’s just a legitimate attraction and sexual orientation at that point.
Godabed
Ba-be it’s cute you think you have a say in it. There are so any Bi, closet gays, and hetero-flexible men on them. If he wants to do it, he will. The options are either behind your back, or with your cooperation. I’d recommend you choose, communication, honesty and trust. And be informed about your own sexual health and ask him to be open with you. Set some rules and both of you enjoy your sexual life and relationship.
LumpyPillows
Not like it’s actually up to her.
Donston
People are gonna do what they want, with or without their partner’s permission. If a man shows interest in “experimenting” then he eventually likely will, if he hasn’t already. The question becomes can you be comfortable with that “experimenting”, are you comfortable with that “experimenting” potentially becoming a regular thing, are you comfortable with him potentially developing feelings for someone else or wanting to have a legit “open” relationship or some “poly” sh*t? And of course, there needs to be an honest discussion about sexual health, fluidity, motivations, preferences, insecurities, and where he truly is in the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, relationship, commitment spectrum outside of identities or how he wishes to be perceived. More than likely, this is another fairly made up scenario/question, though one that does happen in real life.
MidCenturyQueen
Hysterical comments. After an actual therapist recommended great advice, the comments are full of water cooler comments. Hope she listens to the therapist. And yes, there is a big B in LGBTQ, meaning there are real bi people out there. Some of them do come out in their thirties, forties, even eighties.
Yooper
Open that Pandora’s box and it’ll stay open, just like the boyfriend’s hole.
GayEGO
Ha ha ha! Watch out for the MonkeyPox Virus!
UlfRaynor
What a lousy “therapist.”
So his advice is to put the pressure on her to accept whatever it is her BF is going through?
That if she doesn’t she would be repressing him and potentially causing him mental problems later?
What about her feelings, what about her expectations that she was in a monogamous relationship and now her BF is wanting to change the parameters of that relationship with a huge, unexpected twist?
The only thing this “therapist” got right was to seek couples counseling.
If he loves her, then what difference does it make whether he’s bisexual or not?
What she should really be deciding right now, is whether she want’s to open their relationship or not, because that is what he is really suggesting.
If monogamy has been and is what makes her happy, then she should dump him now and find a guy that wants the same thing she wants in a relationship and pay no attention to a “therapist” who tries to shame her into accepting her bf’s re-imagining of their relationship, that pander almost exclusively, to his particular fetishized fantasy.
bachy
Relationships are great until someone starts changing.
The boyfriend’s needs are changing, and I think it’s cool that he’s given his girlfriend a heads up, allowing her to evaluate and adapt to his changes – if that’s what she wants.
But you’re right, if she cannot or simply refuses to adapt, it’s a signal that it’s over.
JJinAus
Haha. He’s gay dear. Not bi-phobic. A realist.
abfab
Since you’re straight, the answer would be no. If you were just a well adjusted heterosexual, say yes and let the chips fall where they may.
bachy
According to Healthline.com, “repression can contribute to emotional distress and mental health symptoms, including reluctance to act on sexual desires, sex-related fear and anxiety, guilt associated with sexual desires, and harsh self-judgment of sexual thoughts.”
Hmm. I’ve never repressed anything and I experience all those problems on the reg….
ChrisGMN
“Should I LET him?” His body, his choice biotch. Goes both ways.