Would you like to return to the golden age of 2004 when Ken Mehlman was still closeted and Americans unified in opposition against terrorism governmental corruption giant robots homosexuality? Of course you would! That’s why you should vote for Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, or Rick Santorum. They all support a constitutional amendment banning marriage equality—at least they did in last night’s Republican Presidential debate. Even Ron Paul doesn’t think “rights” belong to “groups” like teh blacks or teh womenz.

So take it from Queerty, if you need to vote Republican for some insanely inexplicable reason, vote for Herman Cain CEO of Godfather’s Pizza—the only GOP candidate that considers battling against gay rights “a distraction.” We would say vote for gay GOP Fred Karger, but that guy will never appear in a televised debate let alone the Oval Office.

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