Hi Jake,
I work in sales which means I travel a lot for work to meet with various clients. I don’t mind that being part of the job, especially because it allows me to experience new parts of the world. More importantly, it gives me time to do my own thing, away from my husband. I think it’s healthy to have alone time in a marriage, since we normally spend so much time together at home (we both work remotely).
Lately, however, I’ve been doing something that I’m not exactly proud of. Whenever I have a business trip, I lie to my husband about the dates, and add a couple extra nights onto the trip. I really just want the extra time for myself that’s not filled with work or home stuff, so I can pamper myself, “disappear”, and do whatever I want, before returning to my real life.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing too crazy! Most of the time I just order a bunch of room service and watch the movies I want to watch that my husband would hate. Occasionally, I’ll get an erotic massage in my hotel room.
I feel bad lying, but it’s just something I like to do. I’m afraid if I tell my secret to my husband, he won’t approve. I’m not ready to give it up, especially because part of the fun is being off the grid. What should I do?
Crafty Commuter
Dear Crafty Commuter,
I can certainly understand the appeal in enjoying some private time. Let’s face it, being married with a house and a full-time job can feel like a lot of obligation–and that’s not even including having pets or children!
When you’re balancing so much, the thing that often falls by the wayside is actually the one thing you need the most: taking care of yourself. By extending your trips and giving yourself some solo-time, what you’re really doing is prioritizing yourself.
We all have things we like to do that make us feel good. If these things are healthy coping mechanisms, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
Watching your favorite movies, eating chicken fingers from the hotel restaurant, and yes, even getting an erotic massage, is a lot more benign than going on a drinking binge, doing drugs, or throwing away your life savings in a casino. If self-care time helps you reduce stress, and reconnect with yourself, that’s a good thing!
What isn’t a good thing is anything that involves guilt or shame. Some might not care that they have their little “secrets”, but the fact that you wrote this letter indicates there’s some level of uncertainty about what you’re doing, and concern about whether or not it’s fair to your husband.
If he loves and supports you, he’ll want the best for you, and yes, that might even include allowing you to have an erotic massage from time to time. I would encourage you to talk to him about your needs, and why they are important to you, so that you aren’t tainting your alone-time with a feeling of doing something wrong.
If you were to talk about what you need, and he doesn’t approve, it might bear some further conversations, not only to convey the importance of this for you, but also to understand why it bothers him. Couples therapy can be a great place to have these negotiations, with an objective mediator.
My hope is that eventually you’ll be able to continue doing what you need in a respectful way, without feeling like it’s your “dirty little secret.” Instead of texting your husband that you’re in the middle of a Powerpoint presentation, hopefully you can kick back on that Westin Heavenly bed, scroll MasseurFinder.com, and watch Buffy on repeat.
Just make sure you’re hitting your honesty goals just as much as those sales quotas.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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dbmcvey
Whatever the nature of your trips or your relationship, lying to your partner isn’t a good idea.
IAmGayNOTQueer
Occasionally, I’ll get an erotic massage in my hotel room…this is cheating!
Man About Town
That’s highly subjective.
IAmGayNOTQueer
Watching your favorite movies, eating chicken fingers from the hotel restaurant, and yes, even getting an erotic massage, is a lot more benign than going on a drinking binge, doing drugs, or throwing away your life savings in a casino. If self-care time helps you reduce stress, and reconnect with yourself, that’s a good thing!
It is so disgusting that someone other than YOUR husband giving you pleasure is just glossed over…WOW!!!
Man About Town
Ibid.
DrJones
As I said before, the judgment about others’ lives and relationships is not a good look for you. What works for you is different than others, so keep it to yourself! You can go enlighten yourself (but I doubt you will) but recent research suggests half of gay relationships are open and the trend is such the longer partners are together and become more comfortable in themselves and their communication, the more they tend to become open. If that’s not right for you, that is fine, but don’t shade others for living their lives how they see fit.
Fahd
He’s writing into Jake for Jake’s approval of the erotic massage part? Who’s paying for these extra nights at the Westin? Is he spending community property? Me thinks that the step from “erotic massage” to “Grinder/whatever hookup” is a small step for mankind and well that’s not part of a healthy relationship. Some people can respect boundaries, but this guy, no.
Imo, this level of escapism is indicative of a problem. I’d say individual therapy to figure that out in addition to the recommended couples therapy are in order if there truly is a sincere desire to save the marriage.
dbmcvey
The erotic massage is the closest thing to cheating, but the fact that he needs to lie about taking a few days to watch movies or whatever shows there are some problems in the relationship.
Mr.Gavin Elster
“Erotic massage” is just another polite term for prostitution. I hope the “crafty commuter” is practicing safe-sex, and is tested regularly for all STIs, as should his partner.
IAmGayNOTQueer
Exactly…bringing it home and then playing like he is innocent…
bachy
Dear Crafty Commuter:
Singlehood allows you to eat chicken fingers, binge Buffy and scroll MasseurFinder.com 24/7. That’s my dirty little secret!
DrJones
Wow, so much judgement here??!!
Yes, withholding information from one’s spouse is generally problematic, but I thought he was going to say he was doing a drug-fueled orgy, not ordering room service?!?
What is lost here is that the majority of male-male relationships are “open,” so what one finds as “cheating,” looking from the outside, is likely not the case. In terms of “erotic massage,” that definition can vary, but generally just means massage of areas often not performed traditionally, e.g. buttocks, pecs, etc., and perhaps with a hand job.
IAmGayNOTQueer
What is lost here is that the majority of male-male relationships are “open,” ..where you dig that obtuse fact from…that is messed up that you and others think that way….
JakeS
What has been left out of the letter and needs to be addressed is the relationship agreements. In what ways might it be open? The husband at home may be similarly enjoying his alone time while the letter writer is away!
dbmcvey
If they have an agreement that’s another issue, but the fact he’s lying about this makes it questionable.
Chaz
This should not be an issue at all. You should not be feeling bad. You should not feel the need to hide this from your husband. Your husband should be 100% supporting your “me time” as this is good for you and ultimately your relationship. He is after all ironically also benefiting from extra me time.
andrewmpls
100% agree. I’m pretty chill so if I got told all this was happening, I’d be like, “Great! I ate junk food and lived like a slob all week. I don’t mind the extra day to do the dishes. Maybe I should get a massage, too.”
By gay standards, he could be doing some serious slutting around. Too much pearl clutching in the comments. But, the worrisome part is lying to the point of needing to ask a columnist about it. His husband must be a pearl clutcher, too.
Consider This
There goes the trust in this relationship…
winemaker
Why get married if you want to play around? There’s no other way to put this, it’s a breach of trust and plain old cheating and basically over. An erotic massage is an encounter with another and cheating, pure and simple. One thing for sure this realtionship if you want to call this marriage a realtionship, is nothing but roommates or friends with benefits without the responsibilities.
JOJO
I think we should address how often this happens. If the “couple extra days” is say twice a year, then I could see the need. If this happens say, once a month or even once every other month, that would give me A LOT of pause. Also, don’t think the other man is naive. He must know on some level. If not, then this behavior is sinister at best especially if there’s an erotic massage being given. This is also assuming they are monogamous. If they’re not, then it’s a matter of the time away. If they are, then we’re talking infidelity which would make this, for me, grounds for a knock down drag him to hell divorce.
…And the need for an erotic message? How is it possible your husband isn’t enough for you? Sounds to me like there’s quite a bit of growing up that needs to be done. Maybe someone married too soon or needs to make a serious decision about their future. Also, are there kids? For their sake I would certainly hope not.
The erotic message is perhaps indicative that Mr. Pleasure needs to grow up a realize he’s now an adult, AGAIN assuming they are monogamous.