Earlier this year, Charlie Tredway was officially crowned Mr. Gay New Zealand 2017, but his accomplishment has been overshadowed by his HIV-positive status.
While campaigning for the title, Tredway was open about his HIV-positive undetectable status. He also talked about having condomless anal sex. As a result, he received quite a bit of backlash from critics. Now, one blogger is standing up for Tredway in a powerful new op-ed published by OUT in Perth.
“While the stigma Tredway faces in his highly publicized position (as Mr. Gay New Zealand) may seem pretty extreme,” Anthony K J Smith writes, “it is not dissimilar to the multiplicitous experiences of HIV stigma faced by everyday gay men.”
Smith mentions his friend Kane, who is HIV-positive. The two recently had coffee together. Smith recalls:
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Kane has sent me screenshots where guys on Grindr have sent him random messages such as “stop spreading HIV to everyone, you’re a sick f*ck” and he’s even been accused of “lying” about his status when it comes up during text conversation when exchanging pics and discussing sexual practice, despite it being listed on his profile in the first place.
“At some point I can sense in his voice that he doesn’t feel like anyone will ever love him,” Smith writes, “let alone have a few dates or casual sex with him.”
He’s sick of countering myths, he’s sick of explaining the difference between HIV and AIDS, he’s sick of defending his right to have a pleasurable sex life, he’s sick of educating when he could be cruising. He’s sick, but not because of a virus, but because of a community that seems so far behind.
Smith goes on to talk about how modern HIV treatment usually results in an HIV-positive person having a sustained undetectable viral load, rendering the virus non-infectious.
“This means that even if you don’t use condoms the risk is thought to be negligible,” he explains. “PrEP and PEP aren’t even clinically recommended if your only sexual partner is HIV positive with an undetectable viral load.”
Ultimately, he says, “if you only limit your partners to guys who say that they are negative (or think that they are negative), and engage in condomless anal sex on that basis, you are putting yourself at a higher risk.”
Smith ends his op-ed with a call to action:
I call upon my fellow HIV-negative guys to learn about HIV. To read up about stigma and disclosure. To think through your assumptions about HIV. To get tested. If you meet Mr. Right and he turns out to be HIV-positive, he’s still Mr. Right.
“You can live a long and happy life together,” Smith concludes, “or just have a few casual f*cks.”
Related: Why I Wiped HIV Off My Face
1898
“PrEP and PEP aren’t even clinically recommended if your only sexual partner is HIV positive with an undetectable viral load.”
Can you cite a reliable source for this, please? This is the first time I’ve seen or heard such a statement, and it’s contrary to what I’ve been told by multiple physicians and health care providers.
KaiserVonScheiss
Isn’t it better safe than sorry? That doesn’t make much sense to me either.
jussie_roderick
Definitely seems like a mischaracterization to me. Healthcare providers usually only give out PrEP or PEP if you’re someone who is more susceptible to contracting HIV, like if you are in a serodiscordant relationship (undetectable partner OR NOT).
Heywood Jablowme
I almost wonder if they left out a word from that quote. Or put in an extra word. It’s the complete opposite of the truth, I think.
joe
yeah that does not sound correct.
living the lava
This information has been on the internet for a decade now. Especially with the leading studies from Sweden, you and anyone could have researched it already. Before you do that, have you looked at how many cancer viruses you can receive from straight folks? Over 40. Cancer viruses are far more in the wild and killing people than HIV, or haven’t you noticed? Yes, I am cynical, because gay men join lock-step with the straight community to disparage the gay and HIV Pos, but never question why the government does not track Cancer Pos. and create laws to lockup Cancer Pos if they have unsafe sex. Have you also joined lock-step with the straight community to track all in the gay community? Because that is what it really is.
1898
living the lava: none of what you wrote makes any sense, but thanks anyway
dlr123
This is in line with what I’ve been told by my HIV doctors and nurses i.e. PrEP is not necessary for a negative partner in a serodiscordant relationship where the other partner has an undetectable viral load (under 200 copies/ml). There are zero recorded transmissions of HIV between serodiscordant partners if undetectable across very large sample sizes. The investigation is almost coming to end with full results published either this year or next year.
Source: Alison J. Rodger, MD et al., “Sexual Activity Without Condoms and Risk of HIV Transmission in Serodifferent Couples When the HIV-Positive Partner Is Using Suppressive Antiretroviral Therapy”, JAMA, 2016, 316, 171-181.
junk4sts
I don’t think it’s up to someone else to determine who my Mr. Right should be, additionally I can determine why a guy is or isn’t Mr. Right for me. The “controlled and undetectable” argument is a purely logical argument, and when you know the facts as we currently understand them, the “I don’t want to have anything to do with an HIV positive partner” argument is purely emotional. Since we humans tend not to be completely logical (as that would make us machines). There are different amounts of emotion and logic that each of us will apply to this situation.
We should all have a basic understanding of STD’s and STI’s and how to minimize our risk of contracting them, and both sides of this discussion SHOULD approach the subject with understanding and acceptance. Being gay is about following your heart when it comes to who you love and how you display that love, so those who choose not to knowingly love and have sex with HIV+ partners should not and need not feel bad about making that decision.
I’ve said it before, unless you’re willing to share verifiable medical records, just telling someone you are “Controlled and Undetectable” does not mean that you are. Where there is proof of “Controlled and Undetectable” in a monogamous relationship there is still the need to maintain that status with medicine and should the ability to maintain that status be lost, doubt and fear can enter the relationship.
In casual sex situations this whole discussion is pointless because if you are living a “hook up life” you should be on the proper medicines to protect your health, and keeping in mind that HIV is just one of the infections that you can get from your sexual partners and some of those other infections are just as bad as HIV.
When you hook up, no matter what he tells you about his health, assume he is HIV+ or has some other STD and take the necessary precautions to protect yourself from infection.
surreal33
100% agree! You can’t trust a man with a stiff dick period full stop. Assume any man you meet or in a relationship with has an STD and act accordingly. Monogamist men are as rare as virgins in a brothel.
Danny595
surreal33 – You speak from pure ignorance. There are decades of studies on men and monogamy. Although men are less monogamous than women, the vast majority of men in monogamous relationships – gay or straight – do not violate their commitment. What you really mean is that you are not to be trusted. You don’t like the thought that you have poor character, so you project to all men.
IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou
You don’t get to make the decision for anyone else. Stop trying to guilt trip people and tell them who they have to have sex with.
ChrisK
We don’t want to hear how you find your umm.. dates. I can’t imagine trickery not being part of that equation. I’m sure everyone reading this agrees with me too. No one wants a bitter mess like you.
IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou
You mom’s easy to find. She’s always on the same corner.
Scotty63
And i dont have to tell u
Danny595
My goal is to have a committed monogamous relationship leading to marriage. Someone who gets infected with HIV in 2017 is a big red flag for non-monogamy, poor judgment, and disregard for his own health and the health of others. Maybe he could explain how it happened in a way that didn’t rule him out, but probably not. And if he was like the guy in the article, going on Grindr to have sex, forget about it. No way.
ChrisK
You sounds like a real catch. If you judgmental pricks that is.
johnnyboy1988
With that attitude I would imagine most dudes – poz or neg – wouldnt want to date you anyway lol. What if someone had a drunken night in college 10 years ago? Or they were born to an HIV positive mother? I used to volunteer at an hiv testing center, and the number of couples in their 20s who would come into our office to get tested together AFTER being monogomous for a few months was all too high. They met, hit it off, trusted each other, became exclusive, and assumed the best. People make mistakes, people trust each other, people assume the best, and most importantly, people ignore things that scare them – hiv is scary and many dudes like to pretend it will never affect them. Its easy to, especially when going to the doctor is expensive or some dudes dont need to often anyway. This does not make anyone a whore or unworth of love. Many times, someone in this position is closer to a prude – but HIV can infect anyone, no matter your sexual activity (save for abstinence). Your comments are very, very disheartening and only serve to add more stigma, shame, and yes – fear – to this epidemic. And what does that do? It adds to the cycle of people avoiding getting tested, ignoring the truth, and perhaps making the epidemic worse.
Danny595
Johhnyboy – lol! I’m 22 and I have no problems in the dating department and everyone in my circle of friends feels the same way I do. But thx for your concern.
You sound like a real fool and anyone who falls for your nonsense is an even bigger fool. You live in a dream world where HIV+ people are all monogamous, the offspring of HIV-infected mothers and victims of freak condom accidents. It’s BS that you tell yourself and others to deflect responsibility from the ways people really get infected in 2017. Yes there are rare cases of a careful person being the victim of circumstance or screwing up just one time and getting infected. But those are like 4-leaf clovers. HIV infection among “MSM” are overwhelmingly correlated with multiple sex partners, sex with strangers, drug use, low self=esteem, poor mental health and other sexually transmitted infections, especially prior or contemporaneous infection with syphilis. In most cases, someone who gets infected with HIV in 2017 is going to be someone with a lot of baggage and poor judgment, not Mr. Right. If a dude is one of the rare exceptions, then I would be open to hearing him out. But most of the time, it’s gonna be a deal-breaker. Byeee!
living the lava
This information has been on the internet for a decade now. Especially with the leading studies from Sweden, you and anyone could have researched it already. Before you do that, have you looked at how many cancer viruses you can receive from straight folks? Over 40. Cancer viruses are far more in the wild and killing people than HIV, or haven’t you noticed? Yes, I am cynical, because gay men join lock-step with the straight community to disparage the gay and HIV Pos, but never question why the government does not track Cancer Pos. nor create laws to lockup Cancer Pos if they have unsafe sex. Have you also joined lock-step with the straight community to track all in the gay community? Because that is what it really is.
Blackceo
I’m no longer in the game cuz I’s married now, but if I met my husband and later found out he was HIV positive I would HOPE that I wouldn’t end any possibility of a future because he was HIV positive. But if I’m being completely honest with myself I can’t say with certainty that I wouldn’t do exactly that, and I feel bad for even thinking that way.
Me2
Being up front about your status is key. An HIV diagnosis does not damn you to a life of despair on the dating scene, you may just have to expand your horizons. Chances are, the person who’s so narrow minded that they let HIV stop them from experiencing true love, is a person that you’re better off being without. This is NOT 1988! There are SAFE ways to overcome this non-issue.
karl61058
Nice and concise Junk4sts! As someone who is positive, never, ever have unsafe sex.
Amen brother.
Xzamilloh
HIV is manageable, not curable… and with strains evolving and becoming resistant to certain treatments (as well as strains of gonorrhea), I’m not trying to hear someone say HIV is no longer an issue when gay men are still being infected. As far as I’m concerned, treat every penis like it could have something and wrap it up, or go raw and take the risk. But, don’t act like you’re expected sex just because you don’t think it’s a big deal to go condomless while HIV positive
Me2
No one here is advocating raw sex, nor is this post about raw sex.
Bob LaBlah
Honey, as long as HIV meds remain out of reach for the common person regardless of what country they have to be a citizen of and require some form of government financial assistance a cure never will be found, or should I say the cure will never be released. I am taking the belief to my grave that there is a cure for HIV but that is the reason why it will never be released. What lead me to that belief was the cruelest drug of them all, Truvada, or Prep. It will prevent the transfer of the virus in 98% of the time but no drug exists that will cure it? I can’t be the only one who thinks something is wrong with that.
jag4313
I’ve been with my partner for almost 15 years. He’s positive and has been positive our entire relationship and I’m still negative. I knew he was positive when I met him but I also knew he was my soulmate. I wasn’t going to let something like that ruin my chance of happiness. There have always been ways to prevent transfer and now there are ways to keep us both very healthy.
jussie_roderick
Good luck to both of you! Love hearing about serodiscordant relationships! I would totally date someone who was positive.
alanballs
jag4313: heartwarming; thank you so much for sharing. my man is also HIV+. We don’t have 15 years under out belts yet, but we certainly will…and many more. Our love for each other is amazing, just as you’ve described so well.
QJ201
the ignorance that posts like this bring out in the comments are sad…
the folks that SHOULD know the most about HIV because it effects them the most…
Google can be used for things other than porn fellas.
Try Poz dot com or other reputable sites that base their info on SCIENCE.
TroisBoi
Celebrating fifteen years with my HIV positive husband and still going strong. I am negative, we are monogamous, and still making love on a regular basis. Would never give him up for any reason.
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ErikO
No he or she is not Mr. or Ms. “right” if they are HIV+. Not everyone wants to have sex with, or even a partnership or marriage to someone that’s HIV+. PREP/Truvada is toxic and mostly every man that’s on it just uses it as an excuse to bareback, and they’re helping to create new drug resistant strains of HIV, and it’s foolish to put all of your health and life into a toxic medication like this, and men on PREP who bareback are idiots who are basically walking Petri dishes of STDs.
joe
the instructions with prep are very clear you are to ALWAYS wear condoms. i laugh at some of my friends who try to convince me to try bb just once, to see “how good it feels” telling me its ok prep works. but they really don’t like it nor have a decent answer when i point out how they are picking and choosing only the parts about prep facts that they want to hear
Bob LaBlah
From the article: “While campaigning for the title, Tredway was open about his HIV-positive undetectable status. He also talked about having condomless anal sex. As a result, he received quite a bit of backlash from critics. Now, one blogger is standing up for Tredway in a powerful new op-ed published by OUT in Perth.”
Miss Teen, Miss America, Miss USA, Miss World and Miss Universe can come up with issues effecting everyone regardless of sexual orientation but our Rebecca of Sunnybrook here can’t do better than the issue of bareback sex? Ok, ok. Its me. I know. Its me.
Mikey
IMO, the title of this article is wrong and very judgmental. You can’t shame people for choosing not to have a sexual relationship with someone who is HIV positive. You don’t know these people, or what they’ve been through. I watched my uncle become a living skeleton when he moved in with us until he died of complications from AIDS. I personally couldn’t take the risk. It would bring up too many fears from that period in my life, and I’d feel like I wasn’t honoring his memory and everything he went through. I’ll be your BEST friend, but I can’t be your lover. I shouldn’t be shamed for that.
ErikO
Exactly.
alanballs
in your case, that’s very true, well said.
living the lava
I became positive in 1996 caused by Harborview Hospital Staff in Seattle. I was in a study for a Hep vaccine. They were recycling their needles and I never noticed. This is quite common. Thousands and thousands are infected by hospital using dirty needles; look up the Las Vegas Hospital that was having nurses recycle needles. NURSES are doing this, it just blows my mind that they do this.
Beyond that: there are over 40 Cancer viruses that are transferable just by kissing, you can read this on the Cancer.org site and most any credible site. Without criticizing anyone directly on here, I want you to ask, have you joined the straight community (really straight government) and walk lock-step with the straight community into tracking HIV Pos gay men and creating laws of imprisonment for them??? That is all the laws, testing, and tracking are for!! To continue the tracking of gay men. The proof is in the comparison: has the government, State or Federal, set up testing and tracking and laws against people with a cancer virus? Are they posting encouragement banners for Cancer Pos people to have safe sex? NO. Now of that is happening, because they are not concerned about the following the straight community even though Cancer Pos has flooded the straight community and is killing millions, or just like Michael Douglas, just his throat and was able to receive deadly treatments and survive.
It is very obvious, Cancer Pos people are not judged or tracked or oppressed like HIV Pos, and there are millions more Cancer Pos exposing people in the wild via safe sex, or even just kissing. Bluntness: think of how many straight men you have sucked, and now of them informed you they were transferring Cancer from them or their straight community????!!!! I have two roommates, both gone through throat cancer treatments, loosing part of their neck, saliva glands, vocal cords, all from Cancer viruses.
Why do they not track Cancer Pos straight community? Because it would lead directly to the families of the elite, important, and Congress. No State government is going to allow “government” track their own families, sons and daughters, or themselves. But the gay community, it is okay, even though it is less of a threat than Cancer.
junk4sts
Here is a link to what the American Cancer Society says about viruses that may can cause cancer. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-causes/infectious-agents/infections-that-can-lead-to-cancer/viruses.html
Even though I feel that Living The Lava is a bit of a conspiracy theorist, it is true that some cancers can be caused by a virus (or even bacteria) but the cause/effect of most of these viruses are dependent on other factors (a weakend immune system usually being one of those factors), furthermore, most of the virus’ that can cause cancer are not spread by sexual contact and are usually so easy to catch that many people are already infected with these virus’.
As for tracking, I don’t think it’s fair to say cancer patients aren’t tracked, if a person has a cancer and is treated for that cancer there are records (medical and Insurance) that document these cases and their outcomes.
It is also not fair to say that there aren’t banners about cancer, HPV gets lots of press and can lead to several kinds of cancer, and it is mostly sexually transmitted.
In any case, cancer itself is almost never “contagious” https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-basics/is-cancer-contagious.html?sitearea=&level= so calling a person “Cancer Pos” is of little value in a conversation that is about preventing the spread of a virus.
Although Living the lava isn’t wrong about the link between virus’ and some cancers, he is trying to some how compare a person with cancer (not a contagious infection) to a person with HIV (a transferable infection). What Living the lava is really questioning is why HIV infections get so much attention when other virus infections aren’t nearly as polarizing and contriversial. This is kind of an interesting topic, but to try to bring it around so that it’s relatable to this article, the real question would be “If your mister right were dealing with cancer would he still be mister right?”
It is interesting to note that if a person is worried about getting an infection that could lead to cancer they should adhere to many of the same guidelines that apply to STD’s and STI’s. And for many this doesn’t change how they feel about being in a relationship with an HIV+ partner.
alanballs
My own gorgeous Mr. Right is HIV+ and our relationship is absolutely amazing: full of happiness, fun, laughter, goofiness, giddiness, frequent, mind-blowing, passionate sex, abundant respect, trust, compassion and love. He is the love of my life, and we will only be temporarily parted when we eventually croak. I feel like the luckiest man alive.
He BGB
Wish I could go back in time before HIV, before anyone had even heard of it or had symptoms of GRID and everything written in this article and all these comments. But I know it’s not going to happen. At lease I have my happy memories. As Bette Midler said once, you have sex with the wrong person, your arm falls off.
DarthKitsune
HIV/AIDS is not a deal breaker as long as I find out from them early enough before/during the relationship, but most certainly disclose your status before sex, even with a condom.
Scotty63
We are very close to moving to a world where someones hiv status is none of ur business…preventionacess.org…take responsibilry for yourself!
danielplainview1981
My first real boyfriend was HIV+. He told me on our second date. He was upfront about it and, even though we lived in a big city, many people in the gay community knew his status.
We both knew we liked each other very much and that we were onto something. I took a day or so to think about it before I told him I wanted to give the relationship a go. In my mind, living with HIV is in some ways like living with diabetes. If you manage it correctly you can have a happy life and not worry about it. I was not going to throw away a promising relationship or let his status prevent me from being with someone wonderful.
I spoke to doctors and read up about other gay guys’ experiences so that I could alleviate some of my concerns and go into a sexual relationship without fear. We had protected sex every time we played. And we had fantastic sex A LOT. We had more sex than I had with any of my other boyfriends.
We were together for two years. In the end, the thing that broke us up had nothing to do with his status. The relationship just ran its course.
Don’t let HIV stop you from pursuing someone great. And be sure to protect yourself.
umac40
Sorry, I’m not going to be guilted into accepting STD’s as part of the norm just because some queens like to treat their bodies like landfills. It’s one thing to live and let live, it’s another to tell us that we need to start dating people who are ok with contracting diseases. Unless you’re positive because of an infected blood transfusion (insanely unlikely), you contracted it through whoring around, or sharing needles, neither of which I’m looking to date. Call me judgmental or stuck up, but if everyone in this community just did their part to be safe & responsible, we wouldn’t have to STILL be talking about this nonsense.