My boyfriend asked me to lick something really strange during sex & I’m just not sure how to see this

Dear Jake,

I’d say I’m pretty adventurous in the bedroom. I’ve never been one to shame anyone for their turn-ons, and I’m willing to try a lot of different things in the name of being experimental and free. That said, this guy I’ve been dating asked me for something I had NEVER heard of before.

When we were in the middle of a steamy encounter, he asked me if I would lick his eyeball. I thought he was kidding at first, so I laughed, but he looked at me dead serious and said, “No really, can you?” I laughed it off some more, and told him I couldn’t do that right now.

How about we take this to the next level?

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After we were done, I asked him if he was really serious about that request, and he started talking about it. He said the thought of it drives him crazy, but that he doesn’t know why. He mumbled something about it being the “ultimate intimacy” and a “mixture of bodily fluids”. I Googled it later and it turns out eyeball licking is an actual fetish some people have.

The idea of doing this for him really weirds me out, but at the same time, it also kind of turns me on to be one of the rare few that would satisfy this bizarre urge for him. It doesn’t hurt that he’s beyond attractive and our chemistry is fire. Should I just fulfill his fantasy, even though it grosses me out? Also, is it sanitary if I do?

Eyes Wide Shut

Dear Eyes Wide Shut,

Whether or not to participate in something beyond your comfort zone is a highly personal decision, and I applaud you for buying yourself some time to consider it carefully.

You are correct, there is an actual name for this particular fetish of “eyeball-licking”, and it’s called oculolinctus. According to Wikipedia, it’s also known as “worming”, and refers to the paraphilic practice of licking eyeballs for erotic gratification.

Supposedly, this kink started in Japan, at least according to stories that emerged in the mid-2000’s, citing a huge surge in the trend. That said, some of these stories were later deleted or redacted, leading some to wonder if the trend was simply a hoax, originating from a Japanese tabloid.

That said, even if it wasn’t the next big thing to come out of Japan since Pokemon, the fetish exists, and your situation proves it.

As with most things that fall under the BDSM or kink spectrum, I don’t always think it’s helpful to try and understand the “why”. A turn-on is a turn-on, and when we start to try and make sense of it, there can often be a tendency to pathologize, which I never think is healthy.

If someone likes being spit on, for example, it doesn’t mean something horrible happened in their childhood to make them feel deserving of degradation. If your partner likes knife play, it doesn’t mean they’re a murderer. In the case of your boyfriend, for whatever reason, he’s just into it, and it’s up to you to decide if it feels right for you to engage.

Sometimes, both parties are turned on by something a little unconventional, and equally get off on it. Other times, we might choose to do something for our partner that isn’t really our thing, as a way to please them and satiate their desire (in fact, sometimes it’s the act of granting our partner their scandalous request that becomes the turn-on for us, since we know much it drives them wild).

Conversely, there can also be deal breakers, where no matter how bad your partner wants it, it just feels like it would be crossing a line. So it’s important for you to turn to your inner compass and figure out where “worming” lands for you.

Does it give you a feeling of repulsion when you think about licking your man’s eyeball? Does it increase your anxiety when you imagine it? Or, does it give you butterflies, in an an exciting or intriguing way? The body is a great tool to tap into when we aren’t sure logically where we stand.

That said, I do feel some responsibility in relaying the facts, so that you can make an informed decision for yourself. While there’s a lot in sexual relations that could be considered unsanitary, and can even spread infection and disease, licking someone’s eyeball does pose some unique risks.

In a section bluntly titled, “Risks of licking an eyeball,” Wikipedia states, “The practice is associated with significant health risks, as tongues are coated with a film of microorganisms, and saliva has enzymes that can break down.

“These microorganisms may cause infections in the eye such as conjunctivitis, herpes, chlamydia, corneal abrasions, and corneal ulcers. Oral bacteria on the tongue can potentially enter corneal scratches caused by licking the eye, which then lead to infection.”

“Furthermore, there is also the risk of blindness from the resulting infections, as well as styes.”, the site states.

Intense? Maybe. Of course, a risk doesn’t mean a guarantee, and I’m sure there are some precautions you could take to minimize them (consulting a medical doctor might not be a bad idea here).

Regardless, try not to consumed by the heat of the moment, or how utterly handsome this guy is, and do what’s right for you. He may be the apple of your eye, but that doesn’t mean you have to lick it.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.