Hi Jake,
My partner of six months casually suggested that we share each other’s location on the iPhone “Find My” app. When I asked why, he looked surprised and said it would be “fun.”
He went on to say it helps to plan better when it comes to timing and meeting in various places, since you can see where the other person is. He used an example of how when he cooks dinner for us, it would be helpful to know how far away I was from his place, so he could time the meal accordingly.
How about we take this to the next level?
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I get all that, but to me, this feels like a breach of privacy. I’m not hiding anything, but I also feel like it’s creepy that someone can watch my every move on an app. Some things I just like to keep for myself. I’ve always liked having my freedom, even within a relationship, and don’t like feeling monitored.
I told him I’d think about it but I’m worried if I say “no”, he’ll think I’m up to something shady, when I’m not. At the same time, I don’t feel comfortable doing it. How should I handle this?
Staying Off The Grid
Dear Staying Off the Grid,
Having your very own “boyfriend-GPS” has both pros and cons, so it’s really up to each couple to figure out what works best for them. But don’t forget, a couple is also made up of two individuals, and it’s okay if you’re not on the same page as your partner. Your concern about privacy is completely valid.
Having your location monitored can feel like a boundary violation, especially if you’re not 100% on board. It’s okay to have a world that’s “yours”, without sharing every moment of your day. Allowing someone to track you is letting them fully into your life, which is a very intimate thing. If you’re not ready to take that step, honor that, just as someone shouldn’t be pressured to move in with their partner before they are ready.
Often times, it’s the intent behind the location sharing that matters. If your partner was suggesting it as a way to “control” you, or keep you “in line” (a.k.a. make sure you’re not cheating), that’s certainly not a healthy motive. Relationships are built on trust first and foremost, and spying is certainly not going to help that. Or, if a couple feels anxious without knowing every little thing their partner is doing, that might lean more towards codependency, which is also not ideal.
In your case, your partner says he just wants to use it for fun and/or practical purposes. Still, it might not be a step you’re ready to take, especially after just six months. I encourage you to trust your feelings and verbalize them. Explain that you’re not comfortable with opening yourself up that much and that you value some privacy. If your man has a problem with this, that might be a red flag, as he should want to respect your feelings.
Who knows? Your thoughts about it might change down the line, or maybe it will always be important for you to retain some level of autonomy (some couples even decide to use it only when there might be a safety risk, and then turn it off again). Either way, it’s your call.
Sure, GPS exists, and can help with navigation, orientation, and even tracking, but just because something exists, doesn’t mean we have to use it. In this case, I encourage you to gauge your inner compass first, before giving up your coordinates. Sometimes, it’s even more accurate than your phone.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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RIGay
Wow…
I have been with my husband for 25 years. He has a beast of a commute every day. We have location services on so that if he gets in trouble, wrecks, etc., I know where he is. What’s the problem?
Eternal.Cowboy
If that is what you both want to do then there is nothing wrong with it.
1967Man
I have been with my husband for 29 years. I would never consider this. I’m not a dog. I don’t need to be chipped. Note: We also don’t open each other’s mail, read each other’s texts, etc. We share our lives. But, we also lead our separate lives.
Jim
If it’s not mutually agreeable it’s a bad idea.
Al
His partner wants to know where he is so he can prepare dinner?? Isn’t that’s what texting is for?
Man About Town
Exactly. “I’m thinking about starting our dinner prep. What time do you think you’ll be home?”
Fname Optional Lname
his partner is either paranoid because he has done something questionable in the past or he is extremely insecure / jealous type and in either case this is a problem. Starting dinner? Oh please, he wants to know when he should ask Trade to leave so he doesn’t get caught
Louis
I read “it will be fun” to mean “I can’t tell you the legitimate reason so I need to say something vague”.
I would definitely never do this.
Surely, as they live apart, the OP would say “I’ll get to yours for 6”, and the paranoid partner would prepare dinner for 6:05. And if OP was consistently late, then paranoid part er can just wait until OP arrives.
Or if OP always goes over after work, paranoid partner should know “He finished at 5, usually gets here for 6 due to traffic, I’ll do dinner for 6:05-6:15 for a bit of leeway”.
Chaucer
I’m not in favor sharing GPS. It’s intrusive.
Fahd
Patience. Soon he’ll just be able to use an app to communicate with the universal facial recognition system where he will be able to find out his partner’s (or anyone else’s) location instantaneously.
Yooper
Nope. Been together 31yrs, have no desire for an ankle monitor. Younger generation are used their parents having location detection on their phones, so maybe it’s not an issue for them, though I would never want it nor ask for it of others.